To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

2 years was the perfect age gap for us! Yes, having a toddler and a newborn was tough at times but it got the nappies/broken sleep/pram pushing all done in one go.

Now they're older I'm back on track with my career, they're into the same things and are great friends. Of course it could change but for now they're very close. It also means DH and I will be younger when DDs get more independent, so in our 40s we'll be getting some time back for ourselves.

I'd have hated years of having to drop them in two separate places for school and nursery, or just getting to an easier stage where they were sleeping well and potty trained then having to go and do it all again. We knew we wanted two children and didn't want to be older parents so we just cracked on basically, and were very lucky that it worked out rhe way we wanted.

1. They might be thinking about things like going to the park with or for a walk/bike ride rather as well as the kind of trip you describe

2. maybe they aren’t putting that much weight on it but are feeling a bit defensive in the face of “I’m not judging but my tone is judgemental” posts like the OP’s so they throw all the positive reasons they have out there, it may not be as highly weighted by most people as you perceive

The most obvious modern reason is that first-time mothers are getting older; TTC can take time so if you’re 30+ when you have your first child and you want another, statistically you have to get on with it. Practically, children closer in age have similar diet, interests and requirements around the home: buggy, potty, car seats, toys, schedule, stair gates, which simplifies activities, food, things you need to have/buy/use. In addition you minimise the years of lack of sleep, kids in the bed etc. and compress the physical toll of pregnancy and breastfeeding i.e. you can ‘have your body back’ in less time. Other than for financial reasons, I cant imagine why anyone would actively choose large age gaps. There are 5.5 years between myself and my youngest sibling and we have very few shared experiences of childhood having had different activities, interests, schools and friends. An 8 yo does not want to do the same things as a 3 yo and that distance expands as the children get older.

I thought age gap of 2 years was pretty normal? It makes planning things so much easier when they are older - similar age for day trips, holidays etc

I have an 18 month gap which wasn't planned and was a contraceptive failure. It took some getting used to the idea but actually I found it really easy. 2 babies (effectively) suited me more than a bigger gap would have done. They are now late teens and have been really close their whole lives. I wouldn't have had it any different (though of course don't know any different!)

Happened to me unintentionally- dc1 took over a year to arrive so we thought same thing would happen w dc2! Nope! First month of trying so it’s a 21 month gap,
it was hard when they were young but they are young adults now and get on so well.
it was also good when they were younger kids as had similar interests at the same time so outings were enjoyed by both simultaneously.
Would I have chosen a small gap - prob not, but it worked out well in the end. The double buggy was a nightmare though, there are much better ones out there now though that I see out and about.

@WaddleAway I'm saying I'm the weirdo because we don't do "days out"! Seems like they're a massive part of life that just passed me by? I mentioned the city bit because we've got world class museums a 20 minute walk away, so we don't have to commit to a whole day.

@BiasedBinding That's interesting. I'd class a day trip as something where you leave the house in the morning and you're gone all day until bedtime or similar. I'd just class a trip to the park as a totally normal day-to-day activity.

We live an hour and a half from our nearest big city, so to go and visit museums is a day out for us. We wouldn’t just pop in and go to one, we’d go in the morning, visit a museum, have a walk round, go for lunch, go to another museum, see some sights…
We also go on lots of days out to places like farm parks, last weekend we went to the National Space Centre, we often spend the day in the Peak District etc.
It wasn’t a factor in my decision around age gaps, but we do have a lot of days out.

I think two year age gaps are very common, certainly with the families I know. We have 2 yrs 3 months between our DC's. Both DH and I have around the same between us and our siblings so maybe that was a factor. I can't really remember the conversation or decision making, we both knew we wanted another, DS1 was 18 months and a delight and it seemed the right time I suppose.

It works well as now at 10 and 8, days out, cinema trips etc we can go as a family of 4 and not having to split up. They are good company for each other on holiday etc. I personally can't understand big ages gaps, it must be difficult pleasing everyone on days out etc. We went on holiday recently with a family with a larger age gap between children and it always seemed the younger child's needs were being met in what they wanted and needed rather than the older child who got a bit left out and almost had to tag along.

I don't know, it's each to their own and what is right for their family, be boring if everyone was the same.

I often think the same! I worked in a nursery and spent alot of time around young children in general during my adult life before having my own....I swore I would never have less than a 3 year age gap as I knew how 'needy' practically and emotionally toddlers are.
Maybe lots of the people who have one then another soon after don't know what they are getting themselves into! I have had 4.5 years between my girls and that's been hard enough....I can't imagine trying to constantly supervise and meet the needs of a baby and a toddler, must be an absolute hell of a juggling act! I've seen friends do it too, and it seems really hard, although they have said that at least they have each other to play with from early on, and are into similar things at similar ages, so it's less demand on the parents in that sense I guess.

I knew ‘what I was I was getting myself into’, in that I expected the 20 month gap to be really hard. Then I was pleasantly surprised as it wasn’t as hard as I expected.

As a child, I had nearly 5 years between me and the elder sibling, and nearly 4 between me and the next youngest - who had only about 22 months between him and the 4th baby. Those two were always very close as children.

Although we all get on fine as adults, I can’t say I was ever really close to 1 or 3 - looking back it was a little bit lonely as a child.

Consequently I think it’s lovely that dd’s 1 and 2 are so close in age, and such good friends.

My own dds were almost exactly 3 years apart, and that did work very well for us, but then dd1 never showed the least sign of jealousy, so I guess we were just lucky.

One advantage is when my dd starts secondary in September her sister will be in year 9. So for the first year or so she can help her with getting the bus etc.

I always wonder this as well OP! Especially since I now have a 1 year old DD. I can’t imagine even thinking about TTC or being pregnant or having a newborn - I want all my attention, time and resources to go to her for the foreseeable. If we do have another I think 3 or 4 years is a nice gap.
SIL is pregnant with her second (has a 14 month old who is v demanding, as 14 month olds tend to be). She’s always moaning about how knackered she is and how hard things are and I think well…you had a choice?! She’s 27 with no fertility problems so no age-related TTC factors.
A toddler and a newborn sounds nightmarish to me but I appreciate everyone is different.

My sons were WAY easier as babies and toddlers than they are now at 5 and 7.

My oldest was 2.5 when I had his brother and his brother pretty much slotted in. Oldest was sleeping through the night and an easygoing toddler at the time. Youngest started off from birth sleeping 5 hours at night and nursing every 3-4 hours (no idea how that happened, just thanked our lucky stars). The routine for oldest didn’t change other than we now had his brother who was also easygoing and simply loved watching us and the world around him.

They are now sweet, mischievous, high energy, young children that need to be run into the ground and every day is an argument about putting on their school uniforms, having to grab them before they run away, the oldest will also remove his clothes after being dressed if you walk away for 2 minutes, bedtime is a battle, and they eat like their teenagers. I miss their baby/toddler days massively.

Why do so many people cite getting the baby and toddler stage "out of the way"? Isn't the point of having kids to enjoy them during every stage?
Seems like so many just wish their kids' childhood away.

I'd personally choose 5 year gaps or so if I wanted to have more than one kid and my age allowed it.

I guess everyone's circumstances/reasons are different. For us we took many years to have a successful pregnancy. We definitely wanted a second child so decided to try sooner rather than later (we were early 30s at this point) and it happened a lot quicker than we expected. We have 16 months between ours. I went back to work from MAT leave pregnant. Luckily i did not suffer with morning sickness as i think that would have been really difficult. It was good to get certain stages 'out the way' in one go. Easier for practical reasons like school drop offs etc both being in the same school/nursery usually or being the same ages for fun activities, so both a similar height to be able ride the same theme park rides for example. Although very expensive when they were under 3 and both in nursery! I was hoping they would be 'best friends' and they are sometimes but not usually!

Isn't the point of having kids to enjoy them during every stage?

No, I checked and there is no law that you must enjoy every minute to be allowed to have kids.

22 months between me and my sister too and we’ve never got on. I hated her as a child, she was a sly, manipulative, little tattle tell, who liked nothing better than getting me into trouble. (I’m sure she would remember differently). As adults we’re on speaking terms and sit together with my mam at family parties, but we’re not close and I definitely don’t feel like she’s enriched my life any.

I have a 9 year gap between my boys, and they’re best friends. The older I’ve is so protective and helps his little brother to do things. He lets him play in his room and shows him how to work the characters in computer games. The younger one idolises his big brother, and follows him like a shadow.

I think it’s definitely more to do with personalities that age. X

Are they? Do they do anything together or have anything in common?

@doingitalllagain my DD and DS1 have 3.5 years. Get along very well!

I guess we're just all not as virtuous as you.

It isn't about wishing their lives away, it's about excepting that there's a particular type of grind to an endless stream of nappy changes, food in one end and put of of two others, being communicated with in a weird language you can't interpret, your bodily and hormonal changes, career breaks, social isolation etc and it's perhaps preferable to have one long period of this rather than two separate ones over several years.

The 5 yo gap you'll have between yours if you get any actual say over it is also subject to criticism

Ours is closer to 3 but think life would have been easier now with a 2 year gap as the logistics of having one in school and one in nursery is a bit of a pain especially doing holidays. One youngest starts school having them in the same location will be much easier. I’ve got quite a few fiends with 18 month gaps and just one school year. Their life was hard during baby and toddler years but feels easier at primary age.

I guess we're just all not as virtuous as you.

I bet you're not, rude person.

Ok then, keep struggling.

I love having babies and toddlers, but there’s absolutely no way I would want to finish changing nappies, potty training, weaning, dealing with sleep issues… and then have to start it all again a few years later.