To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

We have an age gap of less than 18 months, no. 2 was slightly sooner than planned, but we did want a small age gap anyway. They are very close, so far, and they share toys/enjoy the same activities and playing together because they're similar in age.
It's not been long since our first got his free hours at nursery though, it wasn't an issue for us, but our nursery is quite reasonable for fees and it still came to around £1400 a month for 2.

There is 3 years between 1 and 2 and 17 months between 2 and 3 and they get on incredibly well, brilliant bond

The only mums with smaller age gaps for their children were a lot younger and were SAHMs with a lot of grandparent support so weren't affected by the childcare cost.

We were youngish late 20s early 30s and I was at home - but had no grandparent support. Did know a few like DH cousin who between parents and both sets of GP doing a day or two each had childcare covered so again weren't hit with childcare costs.

Most women who were dealing with childcare costs- they were getting pg nursery years or reception year. So yes it's a huge factor for many families that plays into family planning.

Hmm, probably area dependent then. That's a lot less than we were paying £1300 a month for one child in 3 days a week until the free hours kicked in and it dropped to about £700 a month. There's no way we could have had two in childcare at the same time.

School wraparound is a lot cheaper as only about £200 per month.

The only mums with smaller age gaps for their children were a lot younger and were SAHMs with a lot of grandparent support so weren't affected by the childcare cost.

I was late 20s and the nearest relative is 2 hours+ away. In-laws 4+ hours, mine 9+ hours. DH makes at least 5 times more than me and working full-time on my salary as an administrator didn’t cover childcare costs nor could they do flexible working so SAHP until first was in reception and second was in nursery part- time.

The only mums with smaller age gaps for their children were a lot younger and were SAHMs with a lot of grandparent support so weren't affected by the childcare cost

None of those things applied to us. Early 30’s, no grandparents nearby and both worked full time. I was (at the time) a fairly high earner so it still made sense to go back to work even with 2 in childcare.
My third child is disabled however so I’m no longer a high earner.

RidingMyBike I didn't have family around for help. I went part time to begin with and the nursery fees swallowed all my salary and child tax credits. But dh and I had planned for it and lived in small 2 bed house to keep the outgoing as low as possible to begin with.

When we had to move for Dh promotion I became a SAHM or took on pt jobs including working in pub on the nights to cut out childcare. Making ends meet was very challenging and draining having to juggle money just so I could buy new socks for the DC, only really buying ebay bundle of clothes for them, Moving/cancelling Direct debits to be able to do a very cheap supermarket shop to feed the family for a week.

The first 5 years were a real struggle financially, physically and mentally. But once the worst of childcare is over its onwards and upwards. I would never have wanted to prolonged the financial struggle even if it wasn't so intense and also prolonged my time out of my career.

The dc don't remember any of our struggle, they just remember days at the park/ beach being fed warm and loved.

DC1 is at uni in London and DC2 is heading off in September. Topping up there maintenance loans is still a breeze compared to those first 5 years.

5 year age between me and my sister. We were thick as thieves growing up. She's always been my biggest supporter. I say that as someone who has another sister 2 years older than me! It's all pot luck.

Assuming by your post that you don't have them close together OP!

I have 14m between mine. If I had my time again I'd do it exactly the same. My youngest is now 5 and had my husband been on board I'd have had a 3rd straight after the 2nd. I don't fancy a 5/6 year gap so we won't be having more. There are plenty of people who activity choose to wait and have that gap. Neither option is wrong.

The pregnancy was hard but my first DC was a delight as a baby. I wasn't phased at all by having a second so soon. We didn't actively try but didn't prevent either. It might've been different if my first was very fussy or I was struggling but I was ok. Babies are all different.

Mine are 18 months apart. It gets it all out of the way. I found the first year with DS horrible so was pleased to get nappies, sleepless night etc out of the way in one go. Now they are 5 and 6 and are at school and I have some of my life back. No way would I go back to a newborn now!

Three close friends had their kids within two years.

All three said they thought it was almost easier as they could do things together easier rather than worry about age appropriateness and it was better for the kids when they were very small.

They also could quit work completely and then go back quicker.

However they have older children now in late teens or twenties and this meant they could afford to take five years or so out rather than merely take maternity leave. So I think it's rather a reflection of when they had kids as much as choice of space of kids.

I think it's harder to do now because of the child care costs and other financial implications.

It kinda comes across that you're judging, OP.
I don't understand why you'd be so confused that different arrangements work for different families. There's arguments for and against all age gaps. I come from a 9 year age gap with my sibling. I have kids who are 20 months apart so I can see both sides and neither arrangement is better than the other, they're just totally different.

Mine have 19 month différence. If I'd had my way it'd have been 12 months.

I wanted to get the diapers out of the way and I wanted them to be close /have similar interests. By that I mean, I know of course they're not clones and will have their own passions, but if I do an activity aimed at 5 year olds and my kids are 4 and 6, I know they will both probably enjoy it. Whereas if I have a baby and a 6 year old I'd end up having to cart one or the other to age-inappropriate activities. Not to mention different schools/nursery. Logistics nightmare.

As it happens my two boys are very close and loving and watch out for each other so in my case the close age gap paid off. It was harder for the first year, yes, but I see it as an investment in the long term - now it's much easier because they play together and entertain each other while I cook.

Mine have 19 month différence. If I'd had my way it'd have been 12 months.

I'd have been the same but MW told us to wait a year before getting pg again - to be fair we did ask how soon we could reasonably have the next with no health issues.

I did bf so possibly would have delayed it anyway - though got pg both subsequently times still bf - but we had 20- 23 month gaps - second was immediate conception which was a contrast with first pg.

I had three children in two years. A 2yo, a 1yo and a newborn. It was much easier than getting used to a 6 or 7 year old that slept well and was pretty self sufficient in as much as a child that age can be then starting again with sleepless nights, carrying nappy bags and always having baby vomit on my shoulder..

I always said had I left a large gap I’d have not had another child.

I personally found it easier to have my babies close together. I’ve looked at the new mums arriving at school pick up that are heavily pregnant, then they come with their pram and I wondered, why?

I’m one of 3…me, then 13 months later my brother, then 12 months after him my sister. I personally loved it growing up. I wanted the same for my kids.

mine are more spread out. We have three who are now 18,17,15. And then another two who are 10 and 7.

Obviously I went on to have more, however for me the pros of a close age gap is days out are easier when they’re all similar ages. Once you’re out of the baby stage with youngest then that’s it (if you don’t have more) hopefully a close relationship between siblings.

As a mother of a 2 year old, I can't understand it either. My DS is such hard work right now, can't imagine also having to take care of a newborn.

Maybe people are just being too optimistic about what having a 2 year old will be like when they are trying for a new baby.

I also have a 2 year difference with my sister, and we've never been close.
There was more fighting then friendship when we were growing up.

Yeah, we’re all different and there are no guarantees. I knew it would be hard work with an <2yo and a newborn, and it was (plus lockdown - I think I can be forgiven for not anticipating that when I got pregnant, though you never know on here, apparently some think you should have planned for any extreme events). It was, but i still enjoyed highs as well as lows and wouldn’t do it differently if I had the chance. Just as many with larger age gaps would do it differently again.

because we’re all different. But I know this is AIBU where that isn’t accounted for

Some toddlers aren’t that hard work. I had a 20 month gap and DD1 was a really easy toddler.

I've said this on a previous thread that so many people put so much weight on "days out" as an important factor in spacing their children blows my mind.

DS is 3.5 and I don't think we've ever done a day out unless we're on holiday? And then it's usually something that DH and I enjoy too that happens to have a kid element - like a wildlife park or museum rather than soft play or the like. We live in a big city, so we're always doing things, but it never takes a whole day.

Maybe I'm naive or insane, but why wouldn't both a 4 year old and an 8 year old like a zoo or a museum at the same time?!

1, Career reasons - condensed time where you work around little children or take career break/ part time working plus maternity leave means no childcare bill for oldest for a year. My career progressed when they went to school.
2, Age factors.lots of older mother's time does run out and risks increase. So people just get on with it if they want more than 1. This is probably the main reason really. You are more fertile straight after having a baby so if late 30's or 40 you really can't hang around.
3, Close age gaps are easier as they get older ie holidays, days out.
4, Get the baby and nappy stage done quickly and move on.

It's been said over and over, but there are advantages and disadvantages of any gap.

Round here 2 years is so normal. There are 7 children in my son's class who have a sibling in my daughter's class, 2 years above. Its worked out wonderfully for us because their relationship is amazing 😍I love watching them play their tedious small world games 😂

I have a 9 year old, a 7 year old and a 4 year old and we go on loads of ‘days out’. I don’t think it’s all that unusual. We don’t live in a big city, not everyone does.

I disagree that kids close together get less attention, I think they get more attention as can do things together that interest both/all kids (eg games, trips, stories) whereas bigger age gaps means you often have to split the available time as eg a 10 year old doesn’t want to go to soft play, or lots of available time is spent doing things of no interest to one or more kids eg preschooler doing older kid’s school run