To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

This is definitely a problem I have. Mine are 17, 8 and 1. It’s virtually impossible to do things that they will all enjoy. It works because they are all pretty tolerant and love each other and being with each other but it’s not ideal. For example, we can take the littler ones to a play place, and my 17 year old will come and help his baby sister in the balls, but it’s not really for him. Or if we go to a museum or something like that, the older 2 would enjoy it but the baby would basically end up strapped into a buggy with snacks all day. It’s so hard to please them all.

I have twins so didn’t have much choice about a close age gap 😂 however, having had two toddlers, I can see the point in having them close together. I wanted to use the two other embryos I had in the freezer right from their birth to around them turning 2. They’re now 5 and the idea of going through the toddler years again is a hard no, so maybe that’s why - get all the baby years over and done with quickly, and reap the rewards sooner!

I'm pregnant with number 2 and they will be 18 months apart. I was keen to have the first 2 close in age because yes, it's nice for them to have someone their own age to play and share interest at home.
My experience is that they do grow quite close, I was one of 5 and saw this with my older sisters. I can see this with my nieces and nephews (now between 7 and 18) as all my sisters had their first kids 18-24 months apart, and the 2 oldest all have a close bound.

Also, I don't find it particularly difficult to be pregnant with a 1yo, I don't think it makes a real difference. We know that the first couple of years will be hard, because of the sleeping patterns, cost of childcare and the fact that under 3 will require a lot of attention, but we're quite happy to put things on the side for now and get our social life back hopefully in 2-3 years, rather than spreading things over a longer time.

I had about a year between each of my 4 children ! Not sure I would have done that with hindsight but my plan was to have them close together and get the baby stage out the way . There are 8 years between my brother and I but I actually think we are closer than my children !!!

This does make for sad reading, I'm 36 weeks pregnant with a 3 and a half year age gap... people saying that kids with that gap didn't even interact together? Oh I so hope that's not true. I desperately want my boys to have a close sibling relationship. Unfortunately a 17 week miscarriage in between pregnancies has left us with a bigger than hoped for gap. I thought they were still just close enough to have some shared interests and get along well (personality dependent!)

3.5 years between me and my brother. We were always partners in crime. Played together loads as children. Best mates through our teenage years and we're still very close now in our 40s.

I have had children 1 and 2, 7 years apart. Children 2 and 3, 11 years apart, and have decided to have children 3 and 4 just under 2 years apart for the fact that my first 3 children felt like 3 only kids. Having to do activities to suit different kids of different ages is more exhausting and time consuming and expensive than say just taking 2 kids to the farm or 2 kids to soft play or 2 kids to the cinema. I would have to do one at the cinema, one at soft play and one out for a shopping trip. And they were constantly bored and lonely and couldn't play with each other

My younger 2, are already showing signs of a great bond. My toddler loves his baby brother. The clothes and equipment are being reused. I'm still doing nappies, I still have bottles (cow's milk for one boob for the other) my living room looks like someone has broken into toys r us but it won't last forever.

For those that don’t like the baby/little kid stage and want to have another to get it out the way, get it over with etc - fair play to you!

it’s not like the baby/little kid stage lasts a few days or even a few weeks - it’s months / years!

so as I say hats off to you - I could never voluntarily put myself through something that I didn’t like for that amount of time (especially when I already had a child)

@Lightningfast are coming back to the thread?

I didn't realise I wouldn't like it until I did it. Only now 10/12 years later I'm thinking WTF were those first 3 years about.

Mine are 22 months apart and have never got on. Both girls. 😢

Also there are 4 years between me and my sister. We got on ok but weren't interested in the same stuff. Very different personalities especially now.

Often wondered this! My parents had an 18 month gap between me and my DB - disastrous! And, yes, it was choice rather than accident. They were desperate to give me a sibling and were worried they'd have problems conceiving

My Mum struggled to cope with a baby, let alone two under two. But for some reason this didn't stop her. She was really not suited to being at home with children. I remember it as a constant fight to get attention. And now we're adults I see/speak to my brother about once a year so not much point landing me with a sibling either.

Several factors I didn't want to get back to properly decent sleep then go back to broken nights.
I had HG so I wanted 2 children and honestly needed the second pregnancy out the way. I was sick 7-38 weeks. Could not be doing with knowing how awful my sickness is and waiting years. Personal choice.

I now get to enjoy their younger child years knowing no more pregnancies. Perfect

Same age difference between me and my sister. We never got on well and we don't as adults unfortunately. You never know, no age gap will guarantee you that they will like each other.

@xogossipgirlxo Yes I think it depends on personality rather than age.

Mine are 26 months apart, boy and a girl. We had a shortish gap as I was 38 when I had my first and therefore didn't want to wait too long before having another. Yes it was a bit of a juggle at the baby and toddler stage. I still remember the sheer joy (and relief) when both fell asleep in the double buggy at the same time!
We had so much fun when they were little as I could take them to the same toddle grouos, library activities, films at cinema etc. They also played together nicely at home and in the garden. As we are now entering the teenage years they aren't as close and there are inevitably different interests.

No reply from op then?

18 months between mine (and then 6 years for the next one).

• first took years to conceive so we didn’t want to run out of time
• Age - I was 37 for child 1 [as it transpired age wasn’t an issue as I went on to have child 3 at 44]
• Baby stuff all out the way (or so I thought)
• childcare costs and sleepless nights compressed in a smaller number of years (or so I thought!!)
• being able to easily do activities / holidays with them together
• Easy to cart around in double buggy rather than a longer stage of having child 1 dictating toddler speed and child 2 in pram.
• child 1 benefited from me being at home on the second Mat leave while he was still little rather than at school age.

It was hard, but it worked for us. Now they’re 1 academic year apart it works nicely for school as they talk about their topics etc.

2.5 year age gap we always wanted 2 children. I was 25 when I had dc1 and then hormones kicked in so why wait for dc2. plus it meant less time either being a sahm or pt working.

Yes it was hard having crying in stereo, getting one to sleep the other then waking them by crying. The sleepless nights. The fact that when dc1 started receptionist DC2 was napping at the exact same time I needed to go for school pick up. I tried everything to change their nap time so it didn't clash but nothing worked.

The up sides though have definitely outweighed the early downsides. All the family Holidays and days out, clubs and activities being of the same stage.
They get on but aren't super close, and we had a year of constant bickering.

I like life going through life stages and moving forward never backwards. Now i'm 45 DH and me are all about us! we can holiday together, go out together at the drop of hat. We're like teens again.

I am secure in my career and have plenty of time to keep progressing, or there is still time to retrain and change career with nothing holding be back.
.

By the age of 37, I had three under 3.5 years. My friends were all pretty similar. Now they're 22, 24 and 25. They get on extremely well, whilst having their own friendship groups, but get great independent, non-parental support and advice from each other. We've mostly done the same things with them at the same time - eg swimming lessons - and we've been able to do walking and cycling holidays with them all. Don't have to put clothes away waiting for the younger one to grow into them. They just moved from the first child's drawers to the second's to the third's. Six years as a stay at home mum, all quite manageable, but I knew nothing different.

Same reasons we didn't want the MN ideal of two children - we looked round our extended family and decide a close gap was better.

Also a factor I was left go in first pg and had a Velcro baby - so we thought having them close would mean less career break for me and that I could be home for then - didn't work out like that but it was part of the idea.

Also conceived later pg much faster than first pg - and DH family were at time driving us nuts - one of many issues was fact they insisted we were only allowed one child and I think that may have stoked some subconscious fear on my part DH would suddenly despite loving being a Dad and despite always being happy with idea of at least three kids they'd influence him and change his mind.

I was also despite having a Velcro baby blown away with how much being a mother made me happy - and DH was thrilled being a Dad - we'd have probably overcome our hesitancy about a fourth if the care during pg and birth of third hadn't been so poor and dangerous and we didn't really stop being broody till we moved - and each child had own room and youngest was 6/7 years old. So I think biology plays a role as well.

I was middle of three and it also felt like older sibling was pushed out as they aged - we had half the age gap between oldest and youngest than my siblings had and only felt the age gap when youngest was still primary and eldest was GCSE years. It feel less again at the moment.

It's worked for us - some of that is their personality but I think the close age gap played a role as well.

3-5 years seemed a common age gap when I had DD. Most families couldn't afford two in childcare simultaneously so the younger sibling only appeared once the free childcare hours were available at age 3. We considered it but childcare was still more than £700 per month even with the free hours so still unaffordable for two.

The only mums with smaller age gaps for their children were a lot younger and were SAHMs with a lot of grandparent support so weren't affected by the childcare cost.

My experience too @RidingMyBike and the reason why there will be 3y8m between DD and DS who is due in March. I would’ve liked a slightly smaller gap of maybe 2.5-3 years, but 2 in nursery would’ve bankrupted us!

Ds2 was 'unexpected' we weren't using contraception but we'd given ourselves 8 months to see what fate decided and then we were stopping

The reason he was unexpected was that we'd tried for 2 years and had fertility treatment for ds1, tried for a year and lost that baby and then tried for a year for dd. So I don't think either of us thought our chances were very high

He's adorable though,

a few years after dh had his vasectomy he said we should have had 4 😀