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Original poster

To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

616 replies

Lightningfast · 12/01/2023 20:28

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

OP posts:
louise5754 · 13/01/2023 00:02

I'm surprised by your question.

There are lots of kids in dd12 year who have siblings in dd10 year.

BringerOfDoom · 13/01/2023 00:13

I'm pretty much one and done and I wondered this but I think for some it's easier because they will most likely have similar needs and interests. And you can pass down the older child's clothes to the younger ones from 0-5 when they're growing like weeds! You know the first year they grow out of their clothes every 3 months. It's exhausting to go shopping that often. Better to just reuse them rather than replacing for each child. Easier on the environment too. You can probably reuse the toys too if the older ones weren't too destructive. Lol

Stompythedinosaur · 13/01/2023 00:50

I think two years is a very normal age difference. My dc are a bit closer than that, and it is great. They are very close, share friends, enjoy the same activities at the same time.

Swimminginthelake · 13/01/2023 01:04

My age was the biggest factor, late 30s. Kids are 2.3 years apart. It was tough at the beginning but also my DS was too little to experience much in the way of jealousy... and I didn't have to get up and do the school run with a newborn. Larger gaps are not hugely appealing to me as it gets harder to do stuff that interests both kids at the same time if you have a toddler and older primary child. Also double buggies, both falling asleep in the car, same nap times, sometimes at least! They get on pretty well on the whole now as older children. Horses for courses.

Angelil · 13/01/2023 02:07

Fenty1 · 12/01/2023 21:30

I fully support the idea that every parent should have more kids whenever they feel it is right for them. I deliberately had a 6 year gap as I wanted to fully enjoy my first before having any more plus he was a help rather than a hindrance when my daughter was born. However I do have a problem with the constant moaning from some parents who have 2 under 2 etc and how stressful it is. Once you have 1 baby you know how hard it is so don't rush for the next one if you aren't sure you can cope!

Yes, all of this.
My son is 4y2m and will be 4y4m when his baby brother is born.
I would have preferred a slightly smaller age gap (say between 3 and 4 years) but my work situation was not secure enough and so we waited.
We also didn’t want two painful sets of nursery fees simultaneously (I always knew I would be returning to work) and I wanted to fully enjoy one baby/toddler stage before having another child.
On top of this, we travel a lot as both sets of parents live abroad. It is SO much easier to have one slightly older one who can walk beside you, carry his own little backpack etc rather than wrangle two kids. We also live in a 1-bed apartment up a flight of stairs (no lift) so wrangling a double buggy was just never going to be on the cards either. I was 32 when I had the first baby and am 36 now so had time to wait between the two kids.
Our oldest is also much better able to understand about the baby that is coming. We can talk about it and he is better able to express his feelings (as opposed to landing a new sibling on a confused 2yo who can’t put his feelings into words).
Honestly I think a small age gap would have been hell on wheels.

AspiringMermaid · 13/01/2023 02:34

My mother in law had 4 babies in 5 years, her reasons;

  1. Career focus, she wanted to get back to work
  2. Fewer years changing diapers
  3. Wanted her kids to entertain eachother and have close relationships
  4. My DH, her 4th was an accident, she said only way for her not to get pregnant was celibacy lol

My mil loved having her children close together, she only regrets having everyone go through teenage hormones at the same time

CheesyCrumpet · 13/01/2023 02:38

There is 11 months between my first and second born, and 10 months between my second and third born.
I was in my early twenties when I had mine.

Felix01 · 13/01/2023 02:39

I'm one and done because of the massive age gap. It would be really hard for my DD age 9 to adjust to a new sibling a friend of mine is going through the same thing and her DD just sits in her room. Going from all the attention to hardly any because of a new born has been very hard I don't blame parents doing close together especially in your late 30s.

FrodisCapering · 13/01/2023 03:50

18 months between mine (planned).
I wouldn't have it any other way, well we started trying when my youngest was five months and it took us four months to conceive, so potentially the gap could've been smaller

It's great. They play together. They are only one school year apart. They like the same toys. They are really close.

I wouldn't want to be starting again now my eldest is 4.

Q2C4 · 13/01/2023 04:59

My DSis & I are 5 years apart and it was awful when we were kids as we had so little in common. What can a 10 year old play with a 5 year old etc.

ComfortablyDazed · 13/01/2023 05:25

@Lightningfast you sure light a touch paper.

Coming back to the thread you started, to engage with everyone who responded? Or do you have everything you need for your article?

Notplayingball · 13/01/2023 07:17

Having experienced a 5y gap, 3y gap and 23 month gap, I would say the 3y gap was the best. My final gap of just under 2y wasn't planned (preemie). Should have been just over two years gap but didn't work out that way.

I wouldn't recommend a small gap, personally.

primeoflife · 13/01/2023 07:26

ComfortablyDazed · 13/01/2023 05:25

@Lightningfast you sure light a touch paper.

Coming back to the thread you started, to engage with everyone who responded? Or do you have everything you need for your article?

You are so right!
Why do I never think this and then respond to OP 🤦🏼‍♀️

3sthemagicnumber · 13/01/2023 07:27

I would have chosen a 2 year-ish gap in an ideal world. But we were unable to conceive naturally and so decided to do our second round of IVF when I was still on maternity leave with our first child, which resulted in twins and an 18-month gap.

Like anything, it has benefits and drawbacks. There were a lot of drawbacks in the first year or two!

Notplayingball · 13/01/2023 07:29

FancyFelix · 12/01/2023 23:20

Agree with this! Why would you prolong the really hard bits

Show quote history

Ha, this is inevitable if you have a small gap within a large family anyway 😂 I have a 15yo, 12yo, 7yo and 5yo. They have different interests but also some siblings share interests too.

Thehop · 13/01/2023 07:31

There's 11 months between 2 of my boys and it's lovely.

yes, was physically hard work breastfeeding them both and settling at night, bending helping one walk round with a bump etc but they're really good friends. I love it.

adulthumanfemalemum · 13/01/2023 07:32

My 3 are all two years apart. It was hard work when they were small. But it also meant it was much easier to do things that would entertain everyone because they were more likely to enjoy the same things. My friend had three kids with 5 years between each and found it nearly impossible to find any day out that would entertain a 5,10 and 15 year old.

RudsyFarmer · 13/01/2023 07:33

We tried to have them close together but only managed a 3.5 year gap. It’s worked surprisingly well so I have no regrets.

I was just very very broody and wanted to be pregnant again pretty much immediately. No thoughts about baby things and friendships.

Izipizi · 13/01/2023 07:33

I actually feel the reverse and always feel sad for the kids with no siblings close in age.

For us, it was easier to have the second pregnancy whilst I was still at home with the older ones pre-nursery. It was a crazy few years, but it did pay off.

Mine are the best of friends. They are thick as thieves and are never bored when we’re mooching around at home or on holiday.

adulthumanfemalemum · 13/01/2023 07:35

Also once you get past the nappies and bottles stage you're done, you don't have to keep starting again. You're in the baby and toddler headspace. Then you're in the primary school headspace. Niw I'm in the secondary school headspace. You spend less time juggling different ones.

Izipizi · 13/01/2023 07:42

adulthumanfemalemum · 13/01/2023 07:35

Also once you get past the nappies and bottles stage you're done, you don't have to keep starting again. You're in the baby and toddler headspace. Then you're in the primary school headspace. Niw I'm in the secondary school headspace. You spend less time juggling different ones.

Yes, this is absolutely true.

The idea of having to start all over again with the misery of pregnancy (HG sufferer here), followed by the sleep deprivation and chaos of the baby and toddler years just as you’re seeing light at the end of the tunnel sounds like torture to me! I preferred to just get it done and out of the way.

I guess this is a matter of personal preference though… I suppose if you are one of those women who absolutely live for the pregnancy/baby/toddler stage, then prolonging it for 10-15 years is the whole point…?

Twizbe · 13/01/2023 07:57

I have 2 years and 10 days between mine.

Reasons for the smaller gap were;

  1. age. I was already in my 30s
  2. it took 2.5 YEARS to get pregnant with my first and a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. We could have been looking at another long wait for a baby (in the end only took 6 months)

We're out of the 'baby years' now. Youngest stopped breastfeeding at 17 months and was out of nappies by 2.5 years. I don't have to go back to those days now. Not a reason for us to have a small age gap. It just was a bonus.

They are good friends though that wasn't a reason we did it.

MrsMikeHeck · 13/01/2023 07:57

Cause dc1 was such an easy baby that it never occurred to me that another one might be any different.

LMB0716 · 13/01/2023 08:03

Lifeisapeach · 12/01/2023 23:24

I had three babies within 11 months. (3 under one, or Irish triplets as we call them!)

For me, having a baby is really restrictive to other things in life. Career progression, travel, socialising, and generally there is a lack of freedom with younger children. Especially for those breast feeding. As children get older, you start to get these things back again.

I enjoyed having babies but I wouldn’t want to go back to that baby stage again so I can see why people chose to have their children close together. As much as it’s wonderful at the time. There’s so much more joy I get as my family grows.

My friend is currently pregnant with twins, they’re due when her son will be 11 months old but are sharing a placenta so they have decided to deliver at 36 weeks, so he will be around 10 months old! I know it’s going to be tough for her, but it’s lovely to see someone who’s done the same and survived! 😂

Lwg87 · 13/01/2023 08:06

Alexandernevermind · 12/01/2023 20:33

I can't really understand why you would want a larger age gap than a couple of years, quite honestly. Why would I want to get one child to school and then start again with a baby - that's 8 years of being tied up with preschoolers!

This. Mine are just under 2 years apart. Lots of my friends waited to have one in school then start again. Their children don't really interact with each other. It was hard work when they were little but we are out the other side. Baby equipment gone, in the same school. Same routine. We were just grateful to be lucky enough to have 2.