To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

Personally I can’t understand big age gaps. Having kids at the same stage means they are both happy to do the same type of activities, they get dropped off and picked up from the same place, they like each others friends etc. It’s awesome.

I never wanted to start at the beginning again three plus years later.

I had four between the age of 23 and 30. There are between 2 years 4 months and 2 years 9 months between them all. I adored being a Mum, yes it was incredibly hard at times and very expensive, especially when I had to get the two eldest to school and the two youngest to different nurseries because we could not get them into the same one for a while and then go to my part time job. Do I have any regrets? Hell no 😁

20 months between DS and DD and I planned it that way. I wanted them to grow up together, and they have a wonderful bond. DS doesn’t remember life without DD. I was a SAHM and couldn’t be more grateful to have had those years with them. I wouldn’t have any more children now because the age gap would be too big.

Age and also it's easier in many ways to stay in the fog and do 2 close together. I have 3 children, I have an 18 month gap and a 3.5 year gap. I was 32 when I had my first and knew I wanted 3, I always said I didn't want kids over 35 but given I only had my first at 32 I had to move the goal post slightly. My third I had shortly after I turned 37 so I had 3 in just under 5 years.

Having them with a bigger gap is easier in that you don't need to be feeding the older one and changing 2 lots of nappies, but coming out of it and going back in was harder. We also had to buy lots of things again/replace stuff as even things we kept didn't survive the garage. Having to rehang baby gates etc, it's all a pain and more money as you can't find the bits to the old one. They do play together and will watch the same things on TV, my youngest now wants Peppa pig and the older 2 are way beyond that. Days out can be a pain finding something everyone likes if there's a big age gap. My parents had huge age gaps with my siblings and I (out of choice not fertility issues) and although I am very close to my siblings now we didn't grow up together, I wanted my kids to be at similar stages. My large age gap with our 3rd was to do with career, I had to wait to finish a further qualification and start a new job to get mat pay. In an ideal world I'd have had 3 with a 2 year gap between each.

I was very lucky in that I got pregnant immediately so had the luxury to chose, many people don't have that luxury and end up with larger age gaps than intended. Equally I know people who tried ages for their first and so decided to start trying much sooner than originally planned anticipating it taking a long time, but then they fell pregnant immediately and ended up with a small age gap.

I'm ancient so I had to bang them out in quick succession before my uterus shrivelled up!

I have the opposite point of view to you & have had since before I had my DC. I can't really see the benefits of having them further apart. Maybe for the parents there are upsides, such as not having to pay 2 sets of nursery fees at once & if you have financial constraints that it understandable. But from children's point of view I think they are likely to be closer if there is a smaller age gap. I think 2 years is the ideal age gap. I had my first DC after 13 years of trying & then DC2 within 21 months of that (was a bit of a surprise as the first one took such a long time). I will say that the first year or two with having both of them was hard work (& we had no one to help us) but the benefits have been huge. They are really close & play together nicely. We can do activities that are age appropriate for both. They can share a room. Just lots of positives & hardly any downsides as far as I'm concerned.

There's 4.5 between ours but bar the frigging pandemic after the twins came, it's quite a good gap. Eldest into full time school as youngest is home etc but that's as a SAHP. If I worked I think (bar my sick PFB and my shit fertility) that doing a mat leave whilst I should be paying for childcare would be a big incentive, along with not having two gaps in my career history far apart.

And there was me wondering why so many people have an age gap of 3 years or even more… 🤣 It’s just dragging out the number of years of lack of sleep and smelly nappies, dragging siblings to each other’s utterly age inappropriate activities, clogging up the house with baby equipment for far longer than necessary, more years of dumbed down outings and holidays for the entire family, more years of having to drag cumbersome bags full of nappies, tissues, clothes changes etc everywhere with you when you leave the house, and basically multiple years of developmental stages and interests being completely out of sync. It’s much less work having children closer together in age than having big developmental gaps to deal with.

2 years between my dc. Dc1 born when I was 39. I would have liked a bigger gap but felt we needed to start trying asap due to my age, and actually it didn't take long. Wish I'd had more time between them - I loved the baby stage and would have liked to stretch it out. Getting them both down for naps was also awful!

Ended up with a 3.5 year age gap due to stillbirth inbetween. The comments about feeling sorry for people with big age gaps and wondering if there any good points sting a little. You get the age gap you're given in most cases , based on lots of factors, luck, fertility, miscarriage, loss. Did I want kids closer together? Yes. Should people feel sorry for me and my kids that it didn't turn out that way? No. Are there absolutely no positives? Of course not. It's quite tone deaf to make such a statement.

Would imagine for many families they don't have the luxury of waiting for a bigger age gap as biological clock is running out so they just have to go for it.

Personally I'm glad we have a few years gap as feel like we got to enjoy the baby/toddler stage for each DC separately rather than it being a bit of a sleep deprived blur. But can also see huge benefits of having DC close together too 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s easier to do things as a family unit with a smaller age gap. My kids are 2.5 years apart and we can usually find a film or an activity that everyone likes and as such most of our experiences are shared (rather than a one child here, one child there approach). They’re very much a unit and they like it like that. I’m lucky that my two get on very well, though - and do know there’s no guarantee of that.

I'm so sorry about your loss. But the OP was specifically about making a choice one way or the other. So that's where people are coming from with their responses.

For me hormones- I felt I needed another baby. We tried for 6 months the first time- opk etc so came off pill when baby was coming up to 1. Never had a period, was pregnant immediately and so 2 under 2! They immensely close now age 9&8. No regrets.

This was exactly us. Convinced we were going to have further fertility issues so wanted to ensure we'd not be too late for ivf if it was another 3 years. Conceived second cycle!

Sorry to hear that @rattantat . I was joking when I said I wondered why so many people had an age gap of 3.5 years and more. Self-evidently there are pros and cons of short and longer age gaps. It really depends on individual circumstances and personalities.

I think lots of siblings (particularly same sex) with two years or less age gap end up very competitive in myriad ways, often without the parents realising it. Larger gaps tend to have a more harmonious relationship through the years as they’re not going over the same ground almost - but not quite -simultaneously.

I had 2 under 2! I wanted my career back and wanted the baby phase over and done with. No regrets. It's lovely because they enjoy the same things as they are so close in age. They get to play together at nursery. I had 2 siblings and always got on with the one a year younger than me, and not the one 4 years younger. I did everything with the older one.

My family experience has been siblings close in age tend to get on but bigger age gaps didn't, but that's down to a mix of things. Mine are very close to minimise the impact on my career.

I'm 35 and have a 5 week old. The plan is to have another one close in age to get it out of the way because otherwise, I don't think I'd do it again and due to my age, I don't want to wait too long anyway.

Not a fan of the newborn stage so far but thankfully it won't last long and I do want 2 children.

I gave birth to my second when my first was 13 months old.

It was absolutely fine and I wouldn't change a thing.

They are now 16 and 17.

I think as well that wealthier parents tend to be less worried about bigger age gaps, as they have more financial resources to help ease the work load and keep the different ages occupied. Though same of course with people with nearby extended family happy to get involved.

I think it’s easier to do things as a family unit with a smaller age gap. My kids are 2.5 years apart and we can usually find a film or an activity that everyone likes and as such most of our experiences are shared (rather than a one child here, one child there approach). They’re very much a unit and they like it like that.

Exactly this. I really wanted my kids close in age so deliberately started trying for a second as soon as my oldest turned 1.

I have a 17 month gap between mine and the first 18 months/2 years were pretty tough juggling what you've said. Now they're 4 and 5 it's all been worth it.

I have 2 13 months apart. Now adults. I was 34 when the eldest was born but it took nearly 4 years to get pregnant. We wanted a 2nd and didn't really take precautions as we expected it might take a while and I was also breastfeeding and hadn't had a period.

So, not so much a choice but not a non choice either. I'd have liked a 2 year break but you just get on with the situation that presents itself.