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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another childs birthday at school and ds being upset.

128 replies

meandboys · 05/02/2008 09:59

There was a girl in ds's class who brought in party bags, but only 20, and there is 28 children in the class. So when i picked up ds from school, he was crying his eyes out, and would not tell me what was wrong until we got home! It was because he didn't get a party bag so i said did all the other children get 1 and he said that most of them did.

So am i being unreasonable for being very at the childs parent for not bringing enough bags in for this childs birthday?

Should tell the teacher that i was annoyed about the fact that my son was upset for most the evening, because of the parent not supplying the class with enough bags?

I feel stupid for being annoyed over something so petty, but it upset me to see ds so upset over it!

And the thing that annoys me even more is when it was ds's birthday, i baked about 60 fairy cakes, and this child was one who kept asking me for more when there was some left over, and i gave them to her to take home!

So what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 12:55

Not at all, my child will act the way she has been taught to, unless she sees that the only way to gain what is rightfully hers is by acting differently, on multiple occasios, most scenarios would not happen recurrently, but if the teacher isn't spoken to then this situation could happen again, and again, and if the only adult there is a teacher who seems to be allowing this behaviour then Dd is going to look at it as acceptable.

With situations that aren't recurrent she would look at them on their own merits and not necessarily relate them to each other, even if they were similar, but the same situation happening again will stick in her mind.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 13:02

VS presumably this was an unusual occurrence otherwise meandboys wouldn't have brought it up. Therefore it was probably a one-off and a mistake and one needn't see it as forecasting a series of the same thing leading to children becoming like animals in the classroom or spending evenings in tears.

If it was me I'd let it go and if it happened again I'd speak to the teacher. She might already be aware of it and be rectifying it.

obm you can choose to use words like 'deliberate exclusion' but I'd still prefer to think of it as a mistake and to explain it as such to my dd so that she doesn't blow it out of proportion either.

wannaBe · 05/02/2008 13:03

Being upset for a whole evening over not receiving a party bag is completely ott and my ds would be told to snap out of that pretty sharpish.

But is it possible these 20 children actually attended a party for this child at the weekend and party bags had not been given out there for some reason so the mother had brought them in to be given to the children who had attended the party? My ds is only in reception, but I find this idea of bringing in party bags when there hasn?t been a party quite odd, hence me wondering if that could have been the reason why there was only 20 bags for 28 children.

Children need to learn to deal with disappointment. There will always be times when they don?t get picked/don?t get invited to a party/even when their best friend chooses to play with someone else instead of them, and if they don?t learn to deal with the small disappointments as a child (and not receiving a party bag counts among small disappointments IMO) then they will find it much harder as they grow up.

And I actually think party invites have a similar disappointment level for children because all their friends come running out with their invites/go into school to talk about the party and the few that don?t get invited will inevitably feel left out, but naturally not all parents can invite all children.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 13:07

wb, thank goodness. I am not alone! I agree with everything you've said.

At dd's school usually party bags are given to the whole class and only the whole class on the day of the child's actual birthday if it's a school day. This is probably largely to help the child themselves feel the day is special and to share that with their friends. It has nothing to do with who is / isn't coming to the party. But it might do something to take the edge of the disappointment of anyone not invited to the party as they still get to acknowledge the child's birthday and get a treat for themselves.

VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 13:10

Of course the child shouldnt have reacted so badly, I said that, but the teacher caused this issue.
There neednt have been an issue, if she had just said to the parent she could only hand out things to the whole class.
As for it being a one off, it may have been yes, but it could happen again, and as a precautionary measure the OP should mention it to the teacher.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 13:12

agree VS.
All unnecessary. Plenty of unavoidable disappointments in life, and plenty of time to come to terms with that fact.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 13:12

I would add as a precautionary measure the OP should encourage her child to handle such situations better. It's not the end of the world!

Original poster
meandboys · 05/02/2008 13:15

i didn't mean all night, but for about an hour after school, and he asked me again before bed if this little girl is still his friend?
i think if it was a invitation for a party, then he wouldn't have been upset, but because its a bag thats full of treats!

The girl is a friend of ds and her mother says how she keeps asking when she can take ds home to play after school, which is why i think ds was so upset because he thought the girl was a friend, and then something like this happen.

I have told ds that sometimes people dont realise how many children are in the class, (as sometimes there are a few absent from class on certain days!) And i will have a word with his teacher to find out why she allowed only some children to have a party bag! Its not all of her fault but i will ask her to get something put into the next newsletter, or maybe send a letter home, as it is unfair through out the school if this keeps happening!

I dont care how petty you think it is, i am sure you would have a problem if it was your child in the same situation.

Ds is 5 btw.

OP posts:
clam · 05/02/2008 13:15

Taking in sweets (or cakes or pencils or whatever) to share on a child's birthday is one thing. Party bags are quite another, even if there are enough to go around. Party favours are for parties, not school, end of. And the teacher should have known better. It's certainly worth finding out the Head's take on the subject, although you might find yourself the villain of the piece if there is then a blanket decision to ban all birthday treats, even little sweets for everyone, which would be a shame, I think. At my friend's DC's school in the US, no one is allowed to hand out party invitations at school either, unless there is one for everyone. Saves unnecessary hurt feelings. Parents have to mail them. Is this a step too far in trying to protect kids, or a necessary lesson in basic kindness?

VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 13:15

Oh Gosh IF, definitely.

If it was DD I would've said to her to stop being so silly and it was only a couple of sweets after all, I would also have explained that it was luck of the draw and that it wasn't a lsight on her, just that the parent hadn't bought enough in, and that the teacher probably didnt even realise until she had started handing them out, I mean she does have a class to teach after all.

But then I would have spoken to the teacher and explained that I thought it was inappropriate that things like that were to be handed out and in effect excluding other pupils.

mrsruffallo · 05/02/2008 13:18

I agree, clam. We are allowed to take a cake in BUT NO PARTY BAGS!!
I think it's the right thing tbh. I don't want dd coming home with plastic tat and haribo once a week anyway

wannaBe · 05/02/2008 13:18

but how does a parent look that goes to a teacher and says "my child was disappointed because he didn't receive a party bag when others did"? It's a party bag, a plastic bag full of plastic tat and sweets which will be gone by the time the child gets home anyway. If teachers are told not to hand out party bags unless all children are included where do you draw the line? christmas cards? party invites?

There is a child in my ds' class who is jw so if all children were invited to a party he wouldn't be one of them, should that parent be free to complain because her child will always be excluded?

At what level is it acceptable too disappoint our children and at what level should they be given something and not have to learn to go without?

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 13:20

But meandboys if he knows this little girl is his friend then surely he would know that this didn't have anything to do with her? Were the bags marked with only specific children's names or was the teacher just inept and didn't notice there weren't enough?

I don't think you're being petty and my dd is also 5 and I've had to coach her through many disappointments. My point is purely to keep it in perspective and to encourage your ds not to take it so badly.

VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 13:21

Not just your child, 8 children in the class.

I'd say 'can I have a word' like I normally do if I need to speak to the teacher and then say 'DD told me yesterday that most of the class were given party bags except her and a few others yesterday and she was quite upset about it, I just wondered if there was a policy on birthday treats for the class? I would've assumed that if they were bgin given out they would only be done so if there was enough to go round or it doesn't seem very fair.'

It's pretty simple.

VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 13:22

Oops, too many yesterdays!

I just don't think that talking to a teacher always has to sound bad if you word it properly.

Original poster
meandboys · 05/02/2008 13:23

There wasn't any names on the bag.

OP posts:
imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 13:23

Our school doesn't do cake as two children in the class have peanut allergies, including dd whose allergy is life-threatening. Even though this is clearly stated in the handbook and told to the teachers there will always be some parents who do bring in cake and dd can't have any. That's a disappointment I've had to explain to her, for instance. And she does feel it but I have to get her to not take it to heart. I can't complain to the teacher as she already knows. I can't tell the teacher not to give cake to any of the others. These things happen and my dd has to learn to be strong.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 13:24

If there weren't any names on the bags then nobody was 'excluded'. The parent made a mistake and the teacher didn't notice. I wouldn't make a thing of it, the teacher's probably got a lot else on her plate.

marge2 · 05/02/2008 13:25

I agree with everyone - Stupid mean mother to not send in enough bags - don't blame teacher too much as she was probably mortified when she got to the end of the pile and had 8 kids left over - I would probably have assumed the mother had enough sense to put one in for everyone.

However I hate it when this happens at all. I also HATE it (DS1 loves it) when other kids bring in the Haribo multipack on birthdays. They get given out as the Reception kids come out of the door at home time - DS2 (2) sees the bag and just doesn't understand why he doesn't get one too and so to avoid sobbing all the way home I have to go out of my way to the shop to buy him something to make up for it!! If you are going to bring in a bag - make sure there's enough for siblings too I say - unless they get given out before home time and the little ones don't see.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 13:27

wannabe

Parent would look, to their child, who is important one in this situation, as though they were fighting child's corner and standing up to injustice.

JW child is excluded by his/her own parents.

To children, plastic tat is lovely, special treat. Not being given it when others are is painful.

PeatBog · 05/02/2008 13:29

ShinyHappy, that's awful. so sorry.

VictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 13:30

Marge, in that situation I'm pleased that Dd has learnt to have more thoguht for her sibling, when she is given something DS is told, 'No, it's DD's you cant have it' because it is DD's, it was given to her, not him, he has things when she is at school, but she always gives him at least one sweet if she gets some.

Original poster
meandboys · 05/02/2008 13:30

ds2 wanted one as well, but i said ds1 didn't get one, and he just looked at ds1 and saw him !

OP posts:
etchasketch · 05/02/2008 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedacleaner · 05/02/2008 13:44

The thing with birthday parties as well is the you would generally be inviting dc's friends rather than 20 kids leaving 8 out.

I can see that it appears the mother just made a mistake and yes the teacher probably was mortified and yes she has better things to do but she should have checked with the parent when they were handed in. When I was at school and with dd now it is enough for everyone or not at all.

I think these life lessons everyone os talking about ar fair enough when it comes to sport selections and birthday parties because that is different these are things that do have a finite number of places avaliable and at parties you probably tell your own children there are only so many places so are more accepting of it but I doubt anyone here on this thread would put in 20 sweets for a class of 28 because even the people arguing against it know that it just isn't done.

Children don't think the same as adults we see a bag of plastic tat they see a magical treat. ANd I think OBM was right when she said seeing them being handed out by the teacher nakes it seem like a punishment then. Yes we can say oh that silly mummy made a mistake and console them but it doesn't make their grief of the injustice go away.