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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another childs birthday at school and ds being upset.

128 replies

meandboys · 05/02/2008 09:59

There was a girl in ds's class who brought in party bags, but only 20, and there is 28 children in the class. So when i picked up ds from school, he was crying his eyes out, and would not tell me what was wrong until we got home! It was because he didn't get a party bag so i said did all the other children get 1 and he said that most of them did.

So am i being unreasonable for being very at the childs parent for not bringing enough bags in for this childs birthday?

Should tell the teacher that i was annoyed about the fact that my son was upset for most the evening, because of the parent not supplying the class with enough bags?

I feel stupid for being annoyed over something so petty, but it upset me to see ds so upset over it!

And the thing that annoys me even more is when it was ds's birthday, i baked about 60 fairy cakes, and this child was one who kept asking me for more when there was some left over, and i gave them to her to take home!

So what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
bananaknickers · 05/02/2008 10:48

I am going to get pencils or something like that instead of sweets from now on. Doh never though of that

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 10:53

I know what you mean branflake but school provides plenty of opportunities to experience the unfairness of life (well it did when I was there) without adding this sort of thing to it.

You can't always be fair but that doesn't mean you should be taught it's ok to be totally thoughtless.

lucyellensmum · 05/02/2008 10:53

I think you should approach the head tbh.

Why do parents feel the need to send their child in with party bags anyway?? What is that all about.

Not only that, what are in these bags? Nice choclate and sticky sweets, inappropriate shitty plastic toys? What if the child has allergies, what if the parents don't want thier child to be full of shit to eat - i mean, its not like they can take the stuff away. I am not PFB about this, my DD probably has too many sweets, but some people dont want their children having sweets.

I don't think it is an acceptable practise at all.

helenhismadwife · 05/02/2008 10:54

Im suprised the teacher allowed this to happen to be honest, its really unfair, its very hard to explain to a child why practically everyone else has something and he hasnt. I would approach the teacher and explain this to her, I wonder if maybe she didnt realise there were not enough for every child

wb · 05/02/2008 10:54

Is your son this little girl's best mate? If not, the fact that he was sooo devastated about not getting a party bag just makes him sound greedy (sorry).

If he was the only child not to get one then that was very mean but it doesn't sound like that was the case. I'd be worried about the message you're sending him if you complain.

But then, I don't really understand this 'all children must be treated exactly the same til age X (5, 8, 10, 18) or they'll be scarred for life' attitude -but maybe that's me.

PeatBog · 05/02/2008 10:55

dumb mother
weak teacher (yes I know she's shouldn't have to hand these things out, but she could have had a word with the mother)
your poor ds

our school has policy where they will not hand things out unless there are enough for everybody.

tell your ds from us that we think it was mean and unfair, and here's a chocolate MN muffin instead

themildmanneredjanitor · 05/02/2008 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bananaknickers · 05/02/2008 10:57

I would say that although I appreicate that you ( teacher) are here to teach and not referee the chidren and parents.I am a slightly upset that my son and a couple of others were singled out yesterday and didn't get party bags when the others did.As you can imagine he was very upset for the rest of the evening.This descretion happened in school time which is why I am talking to you about it and the children are then dismissed for us to deal with. I would never leave a child out and am upset that I had to explain why another adult had been so inconsiderate.

I wondered if something could be mentioned to all parents in general that if they wish to bring in partybags/ Sweets that they bring them in for eveyone or do this out of class time. Or not at all.

Better still write a letter an c.c to the head teacher if she is approachable.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 10:59

WB, may sounds greedy to you, but to most people it sounds like the child felt left out, and possibly rejected, as you would when it seems almost everyone except you gets something.

If 8 children had recieved them and 20 left out then fair enough, but to be one of eight in a class of 28? Come on don't be so cruel.

bananaknickers · 05/02/2008 11:00

Maybe the other 20 were greedy and pushed and shoved and had the good manners to wait.

MaureenMLove · 05/02/2008 11:02

I wish this whole 'its my birthday, I've brought sweets' thing, could be banned completely! It's a complete nightmare trying to get the kids out of the classroom as it is, without getting a bottlenick, whilst 30 children dip into a sweet bag and argue about which one they want or whine, 'I don't like those.' If your lo celebrates a birthday on a school day, then invite their friends for tea or have a party. Lets face it, your lo probably doesn't speak to half the opposite sex in his/her class, so why should they care whether they get a sweet or not!

I do still think it was out of order though, for parent to a) take party bags to school and b) not provide enough!

souvenir · 05/02/2008 11:04

Message withdrawn

Rosylily · 05/02/2008 11:04

My dd has a peanut allergy so she gets the party bag with the sweets removed. So I tend to give her some of her nut free chocolate to compensate. Her teacher keeps spare party bags in case there isn't enough.
I sent in 30 nut free party bags on dd's birthday because it was nice for her to finally get the same as everyone else.

I do think it is really lousy to give out to most of the class a party bag and leave a few children out! I would definately complain about that!

wb · 05/02/2008 11:06

Not to be upset themmrjanitor - but to be that upset, for so long? It just seems out of all proportion to me.

ibelieveindreaming · 05/02/2008 11:07

It was my dd's birthday yesterday, I sent in 2 big bags of sweets for her to hand out. Party bags seem a bit OTT.

YANBU, I would speak to the teacher.

ROSEgarden · 05/02/2008 11:08

havent read all posts but i would use this example to tell your ds that not everyone always gets the same as everyone else and that some people dont think the same as others..i would have told your ds he could choose a special treat on the way hom from school the next day .

ROSEgarden · 05/02/2008 11:09

BTW, you could mention it to the teacher, but it wasnt her fault the mum was ignorant..the teacher may have evn been given a list..not nice, but some parents just dont think

lucyellensmum · 05/02/2008 11:13

nice idea about the special treat though. It goes some way to making up for it. I dont think it is greed, just the feeling of being pushed out is difficult to deal with when you are 8!!!!

Desiderata · 05/02/2008 11:15

Oh dear, wb. This has nothing to do with 'modern manners,' or any current trend towards treading all children as precious and fragile.

It's a basic lack of fairness, and something which would have been appreciated as wrong a hundred years ago.

The adult rules apply. After all, if you're going to buy a round, you buy a bloody round, and that means everyone.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:16

Dd's school is the same as souvenirs.

While I agree the teacher should have been more on the case with numbers this isn't crime of the century and I think it's as important to teach your ds perspective as it is to speak to the teacher. These kinds of disappointment are part of life and this isn't such a very large one. How will he cope when he's not picked for the football team or other challenges later in life? The way you handle it will also affect him. If you are 'outraged' then he'll be more upset. If you brush it off without a care he'll follow your lead.

Ispy · 05/02/2008 11:16

How heartbreaking for ds and you Stupid mum and even more stupid teacher.
Have a calm word with teacher to express your dissatisfaction and also get clarification on school policy for stuff like this.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:19

By that token Desiderata you are also obliged to invite all children to a party? How do kids cope when a limited amount party invitations are handed out? Or do the parents have to do it covertly? Kids have to deal with things like we all do. This was a mistake on the teacher's part but I'm sure fairness is taught in a myriad of different more important ways at school every day. Learning to handle disappointment is part of growing up.

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 11:21

This is not the same as not being picked for a team though is it, because in that situation there can only be so many people picked nobody deliberately created an unfair situation it's just one of life's unfairness's.

This was a situation made unfair by someone's thoughtlessness and bad manners. Totally agree with Des "if you are going to buy a round, you buy a bloody round and that means everyone"

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 11:26

For birthday parties, most children accept that there will be a number of 'spaces' that need to be filed, as with sports teams, there was no reason for there to be only 20 bags, that couldnt have been solved easily.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:26

My point was, CT, that children have to learn to deal with disappointment. Even though there might be limited places on a team a child not picked who loves football would still be disappointed. For a young child to spend an evening upset over a party bag is too high a price to pay for a stupid mistake on the part of the teacher. I think the teacher is more responsible than the parent.

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