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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another childs birthday at school and ds being upset.

128 replies

meandboys · 05/02/2008 09:59

There was a girl in ds's class who brought in party bags, but only 20, and there is 28 children in the class. So when i picked up ds from school, he was crying his eyes out, and would not tell me what was wrong until we got home! It was because he didn't get a party bag so i said did all the other children get 1 and he said that most of them did.

So am i being unreasonable for being very at the childs parent for not bringing enough bags in for this childs birthday?

Should tell the teacher that i was annoyed about the fact that my son was upset for most the evening, because of the parent not supplying the class with enough bags?

I feel stupid for being annoyed over something so petty, but it upset me to see ds so upset over it!

And the thing that annoys me even more is when it was ds's birthday, i baked about 60 fairy cakes, and this child was one who kept asking me for more when there was some left over, and i gave them to her to take home!

So what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
pol27 · 05/02/2008 12:01

When I nannied often the rule was ~ one for everyone OR dish them out yourself after school in the playground. The teachers would not get involved, same with party invites.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:01

That's not a bad idea PB ...

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:03

pol I'm not sure it's possible to do that for all parents. Especially at dd's school where many kids have working parents and there's after school clubs. I think it's fine for the teacher to give them out.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 12:03

I think the OP should speak to the class teacher about it, just incase it was as someone else said, that the OP's child didnt push and grab but waited at the end of the line and they had ran out, if that is the case it is likely to happen again, and again, so rather than teaching the child to become less well-mannered and push and shove to get something, the teacher should make a point of not giving out anything that didnt cater for the whole class.

Party invites at DD's school, the childnre have to put them in their friends drawers.

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 12:05

So if you were with a group of people and one of them invited everyone around to their house for a meal but not you - you wouldn't think that entirely thoughtless and be someone hurt/put out?

Just to say though I do actually completely agree with you about down playing it with the child and teaching them to move on and not dwell on it.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:07

LVS, yes, responsibility lies with the teacher. The parent made the initial mistake but it could've been rectified by the teacher. I don't know where you've come up with teaching the child to push and shove being an option though.

Re. party invites, it doesn't matter where they put them, they all know who's coming and who isn't. Isn't it rather hard for the child to do that with all the other children seeing them? I would never get dd to hand out invites it would be awful for her to explain why she hadn't invited someone.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:09

CT it would depend. If they were a close friend I would assume they'd made a mistake or had a reason. If they weren't then I wouldn't assume I'd be invited anyway. I wouldn't think it 'entirely thoughtless'. I'd probably try to 'move on and not dwell on it' even if I did feel a little hurt

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 12:10

So it's ok for children to be disapointed but not for your dd to feel uncomfortable surely that's an important life lesson too?

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 12:11

WB said it was greedy for the child to be upset, and the response was..

By bananaknickers on Tue 05-Feb-08 11:00:20
Maybe the other 20 were greedy and pushed and shoved and had the good manners to wait.

So if the teacher does not deal with this, i.e. not give things out unless it's to the whole class, then the only way the child will not be disappointed again is by making sure they are at the front to get one, which would teach the child pushing and shoving to get something is the only way ahead.

Desiderata · 05/02/2008 12:11

Surely no one instinctively teaches their child to wallow in disappointment and dwell on injustice? That's not what we do, is it? Over a period of time, we teach them to move on. But what we shouldn't do is to underestimate their grief, and assume that it's got something to do with the contents of a party bag. It has everything to do with feeling excluded.

I think that argument is a bit of a red herring. The situation as described by the OP is simply unfair. I can see no justification for it whatever.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:17

CT I didn't say it was ok for children to feel disappointment, nobody wants a disappointed child. But do we want children who cry for an evening over something relatively minor? And no I don't think dd at 5-years-old is able to explain to a child why she's had to choose only a limited number of children to her party. I've seen a little boy saying to another boy 'xxx, why didn't you ask me to your party?' and the other boy was completely on the spot, he didn't know what to say. When she's 7 she can explain those things not before.

LVS if you believe that then you believe that if a child doesn't get what it feels (in this case rightfully) deserves chaos is the only result? I don't think children resort to such behavior when they're disappointed. They're not that greedy.

Desiderata our children might resort to all kinds of extreme behaviours if we didn't teach them not to, including wallowing. My point is to teach them not to be overcome by such emotions.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:19

I don't think anyone is disagreeing that the OP situation was unfair and unjust. The discussion is about what you do about it. Do you help a child put it in perspective or do you blow it out of proportion.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 12:24

You really think that child of eight years old that keeps getting left out of the party treats because they are at the back of the queue will not make more of an effort to be at the front?

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:28

That would mean it would have to have happened an awful lot of times though wouldn't it? And it would mean there was an extremely irresponsible set of teachers dealing with that task as well as a thoughtless series of parents sending the darned things in in the first place.

That's exactly what I mean by blowing this out of proportion. One mistake is going to lead to a lifetime of chaos?!

Even more reason to get the child to acknowledge the injustice and move on.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 12:32

Not really, at eight years old it would probably take two or three times, if the school has no policy on this or the teacher doesnt control it then it will happen again.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:34

And you don't think that as a parent you could prevent that? Faced with an inadequate teacher it would become your responsibility to tell your child how to respond.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 12:37

"Over a period of time, we teach them to move on. But what we shouldn't do is to underestimate their grief, and assume that it's got something to do with the contents of a party bag. It has everything to do with feeling excluded."
Ah Desi, how wise you are, I am going to tattoo that on my arm. I am very good at getting angry on DS's behalf in these situations, and not nearly good enough at acknowledging and allowing his grief.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:37

Children are faced with injustices all day every day, mostly probably from their peers. At dd's school, a busy inner-city London primary with a ton of nationalities there probably with very different cultural values and ideas of what's 'just', she has to learn to rely on her own sense of 'right' and not follow other people. It's up to me to help her see what's right and also to deal with it when other people behave badly.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 12:38

Of course I could tell my child not to push in and wait your turn etc, but if she was already doing that and being the last person in the queue because she was doing as I taught then she would obviously start to think 'Hmm, mum's wrong here, I'm not going to get any unless I'm at the front'.
Which is why the teacher should be told.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 05/02/2008 12:40

I wanted to kiss and hug the mother who invited DS's whole class to a party at a community centre.. it meant DS got an invitation (he is disabled and in mainstream). He'd never had one before and he's never had one since! And he's in Y3 (his fourth year at school.) He was sooo excited.. I like to think he doesn't notice when invites get handed out and never to him; his attention span's not great,

He's going to special school soon (touchwood). Am hoping this will mean he gets to go to some parties before he's too old.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:40

obm, acknowledging his disappointment is one thing but allowing his sadness to last a whole evening?! Don't you feel obliged to help him cheer up?

I wonder if all the other 8 'excluded' children cried all evening?

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:42

SHPHH my friend's son is disabled and he is also rarely invited to parties. It's terribly sad to see. That's the real meaning of the word 'excluded.'

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:44

LVS your argument about the queue could apply to so many situations in life I'm not sure it's relevant. Your child will undoubtedly encounter a multitude of situations where other children behave in a particular way and if your child doesn't join in they don't get whatever is going. There is no solution other than that you help her maintain her own values.

This incident was, hopefully, a one-off. My point is about helping a child not take it too hard being the most important lesson to learn from it.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 12:51

yes all night a bit much, missed that bit.

IMO
the fact that only 8 didn't get them out of 28 is important. Would feel like deliberate exclusion.

the fact that this occurred IN SCHOOL, and therefore and vitally, was sanctioned by a hugely important authority figure, would feel like a punishment. And therefore would become far more meaningful to DS than not being invited to a party.

I think issue is with the school.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 12:51

apols for punctuation madness.