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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

another childs birthday at school and ds being upset.

128 replies

meandboys · 05/02/2008 09:59

There was a girl in ds's class who brought in party bags, but only 20, and there is 28 children in the class. So when i picked up ds from school, he was crying his eyes out, and would not tell me what was wrong until we got home! It was because he didn't get a party bag so i said did all the other children get 1 and he said that most of them did.

So am i being unreasonable for being very at the childs parent for not bringing enough bags in for this childs birthday?

Should tell the teacher that i was annoyed about the fact that my son was upset for most the evening, because of the parent not supplying the class with enough bags?

I feel stupid for being annoyed over something so petty, but it upset me to see ds so upset over it!

And the thing that annoys me even more is when it was ds's birthday, i baked about 60 fairy cakes, and this child was one who kept asking me for more when there was some left over, and i gave them to her to take home!

So what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
bananaknickers · 05/02/2008 11:26

Party invite are not the same as a bag of goodies though are they?If it was op insisting that her child was invited to a party then she would be unreasonable.It dosen't take much effort or expense to not leave children out.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:27

You think so, LVS? I remember seeing one of dd's friends in floods of tears at not being invited to someone's party in her class. Do you mean it's easier for us to explain to them? I think the disappointment is just as great regardless of the rule. Depends on the age of the child of course. I'm thinking of 5-6 year olds.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 11:30

I suppose the first time it happens it's hard for them, but most children have had parties themselves and only been allowed to ivnite a certain number of children, so they know how it works.

Not all getting the birthday treat is a bit like not giving everyone a christmas card, you buy a pack large enough for everyone or small enough for a select few.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:30

BUT teaching her ds to deal with disappointment is important. That's what I'm trying to get at. Not saying they're the same thing.

Or do you think crying for an evening is a worthwhile outcome of that situation?

Ok, a more similar situation, I remember dd coming home from school one day feeling very sad that the dinner lady had forgotten to give her any pudding. All her friends had theirs and she was too young and too shy to put her hand up and tell anyone but it had upset her. She told me about it, I commiserated and told her next time to tell the teacher, then we forgot about it. I didn't speak to the teacher, she didn't cry all evening.

Desiderata · 05/02/2008 11:30

Yes, IF, learning to handle disappointment is not just a part of growing up but a rather major part of life in general!

However, children are not daft. There are things (like not being picked for the football team) that are part of the inevitable hard school of knocks.

But to only provide 20 party bags when there are 28 people in a class is either incredibly thoughtless, or breathtakingly rude.

And to answer your question, if my son was having a birthday party, then yes, I would invite the whole class.

Tiggiwinkle · 05/02/2008 11:32

It is hard to imagine what the mother who did this was thinking. I can't think how she could justify her actions in leaving out 8 children in the class. Bizarre!

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:33

My main point to meandboys was that rather than go over the mistake itself it would be valuable to teach your child how not to be quite so disappointed over it.

bananaknickers · 05/02/2008 11:36

When I arrange birthday parties for mine they obviously have their choose of friends to come. They can't invite everyone they want so have to choose.This is because of limited space/costs ect.This is all explained to them.

So when DD/ DS are not invited to parties I think this helps them understand a little as to why they are not invited to sombody elses. My children now don't bat an eyelid now. I think this is the difference to me anyway

Desiderata · 05/02/2008 11:36

I disagree. I think the main point is to teach the idiot responsible for party bags (the adult) to make sure there are enough to go around. I don't think it's that difficult to avoid certain situations. Life has a very adept way of creating its own disappointments without them being forced by carelessness.

Mind you, party bags at school are not something I'd bother with. I don't recall all this palava when I was at school.

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 11:37

I see what you are trying to say IF but in that situation you were able to explain to your DD that she didn't get pudding because the dinner lady forgot, it was mistake and you showed your dd what she could do in that situation again to make sure she got pudding.

The OP can't say any of that to her DS.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:37

Tiggiwinkle it might not have been so sinister, perhaps she made a careless hurried mistake?

Desiderata in dd's class there are very few parents who do whole class parties. And I agree children are not stupid so they also know that sometimes life deals them disappointments.

How about the pass the parcel situation when there are not gifts for all? Dd's been to a few parties with entertainers who have prizes for say 2/3 of the attendees and not for the other 1/3 maybe because she's only paid to do so many and more kids turn up than she's planned for. You couldn't have all those kids who didn't get a prize weeping for an evening could you? Wouldn't you feel it your duty as a parent to teach them how to deal with it and put it in perspective?

cosima · 05/02/2008 11:39

tell the teacher and the head teacher. I can't believe that is acceptable behaviour in a school. YANBU it is up to parents who they give party bags to, but if the use school as the forum to do it then it is a school issue.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 11:40

Yeah, if the op could say to her child, basically dont worry, you can have it next time, just make sure you speak to whomever about it then it would be different but there is no promise that it can be sorted out next time.

And about parties, My DD ahd a party at halloween, she was allowed to ivnite 16 children, out of the year, which is two classes, so more children weren't invited than were, which makes a big difference.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:40

CT why can't she say that to her ds? something like 'oh that silly mummy didn't bring enough bags did she? Never mind you don't want to eat all that rubbish anyway' kind of thing. Brush it off. Mistakes happen.

If you make a big deal of it the child will feel their sense of injustice grow and this situation is just not worth it.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:41

Exactly LVS, there is not possibility that it won't happen again. That's my point. You have to teach a child how to deal with it. This kind of thing happens.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:42

I mean there's always a possibility that this will happen again, not that garbled grammar I used before.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 11:48

Ah, but there is a way it won't happen again, if the OP goes to the teacher, so the OP telling the teacher and it not being allowed to happen again is the same really as the child putting up their hand and asking for pudding.

LadyVictorianSqualor · 05/02/2008 11:49

FWIW, I do think being upset all night was ott, and I would've told DD to stop being so silly if she kept it up, but it still shouldn't have happened.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:50

So you actually think that children can be completely protected from disappointments / injustices? I don't. And therefore it is more important to teach the child to deal with it in the event that one can't control every situation that will happen to one's child.

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 11:52

I am in total agreement that it shouldn't have happened. I'm not in agreement that it should take on such monumental proportions. Things do happen and they will happen and our kids need to deal with it for their own happiness.

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 11:53

Because a child will probably say "actually yes I did want to eat all that rubbish as it happens"

I think you can play it down like you said "Oh dear silly lady made a mistake" and I don't think the OP needs to tell her DS if she speaks to the teacher as you're right about getting them to just move on.

But I really do think in this situation the teacher should of used her loaf and not given them out. I also think party invites should be given out personally and not by teachers, because yes you can be more discreet and teachers aren't social secretaries. You don't have to invite everyone to a party just to be fair beacause that isn't always possible but you can be thoughtful about how you do it.

I think that's what I'm trying to say really it's not about always being fair but it's about being thoughtfull why hurt someone's feelings if you don't absolutely have to.

Desiderata · 05/02/2008 11:54

For £20 you can hire a village hall that accommodates scores of kids.

But that's not really the point. This is specifically about party bags being handed out in the enclosed environment of a classroom, where it is immediately obvious that several children have been singled out as in someway unpopular.

Yes, of course as parents we all brace ourselves for the inevitable discussions about how to take the knocks, but this specific situation is so patently unfair, and so completely avoidable .....

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 11:55

I do agree that it would be over the top to speak to the head teacher about it though.

PeatBog · 05/02/2008 11:58

I would be tempted to coach my dd to say 'Your silly mummy can't count'

but that would be childish and irresponsible

imaginaryfriend · 05/02/2008 12:01

Desiderata of course you can hire a hall and invite 20 kids (although that's not 30 kids which it would be if I did parties and invited all of dd's class) but you might have a child who prefers a quieter affair with a few friends. My dd's very shy and spends most of the time at busy parties hanging round the sidelines. I'm not a fan of all-class parties and neither, it seems, are most of the parents at dd's school. But as you say that's not the point.

We'll never know why the teacher only handed out 20 bags. Maybe she was too busy to count them. Maybe she's useless. Who knows?

CT re handing out party invites I just don't think it's necessary to do it discreetly. As many people have said, children need to learn that they're not invited to everything and it's not practical to try to find all the mums of all the children to discreetly give an invite. Plus they talk to each other at school and know who's invited and who isn't. Better to be open and not make a big deal of it.