AIBU to be upset about DHs behaviour here?

[Getinajollymood]

I was going to post on relationships but it isn’t relationship advice I want so much as to know if this is something worth raising and talking to DH about. I was upset yesterday but this morning wonder if I’m being a bit princessy and foot-stampy.

I had my 12 week scan yesterday, and my workplace is quite near the hospital. Parking is horrendous so I’d suggested to DH he pick me up from work and then we go to the hospital together. We did this, had the scan, all was fine (which is the main thing) but then I needed my bloods taking, urine samples, needed to see a consultant and a specialist midwife (high risk pregnancy due to age and due to a couple of other factors.)

DH has gone back out to the car by now and the whole thing took an hour and fifteen minutes. When I got back in the car with him he was very quiet and ‘off’ with me, asking if I knew I needed to see the consultant and it turned out he’d missed meetings. I naively thought he’d booked the afternoon off for it. I asked if we should go and get DS from nursery and I got quite an abrupt no, it was too much of a pain to get him then go back for my car. The original arrangement was if just leave my car at work overnight and he’d drop me back at work in the morning. I said this and again got a really abrupt ‘I can’t, I’ve got to me (wherever) in the morning.’ (Which is another thing: he never tells me where he has to be until the eleventh hour.)

We barely spoke yesterday evening: he did bath DS for me as I needed to lie down (he doesn’t normally) and got up with him this morning (again it’s usually me.)

But I am quite annoyed and sad. Dh didn’t come to any scans with DS due to covid and I had so looked forward to yesterday and was left feeling like a nuisance who inconvenienced his life.

I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable to talk to him about it - he isn’t a bad person - but I don’t want to make a fuss for no reason either, it isn’t like me to raise something but I do feel a bit let down.

Could it be that he was a bit anxious about things? Especially if he didn't go through the process last time?
It sounds like he stepped up when you got home?

It sounds like communication between you isn’t great.

Did you discuss how long the appointment would take? Did you have bloods taken etc last time you were pregnant? Did you discuss your expectation that he would need to take the afternoon off?

From what you say he’s rubbish at communicating with you too.

Sounds more like miscommunication.

I personally would let it go. He was a dick but as previously said was probably over anxious and then felt guilty for not going to first scan, then guilt for moaning. Draw a line under it and move on if he's not normally like this, everyone has bad days

YAB tad U. Could be hormones though.

Sounds like he's at least stepped up when you requires, the scan situation was of course out of his control given COVID provoked limitations.

Tell him you feel let down and why. He was very abrupt, after all. See how he reacts.

However, it does mainly sound like a complete lack of communication between you. Everything done on assumptions.

Sounds like you both didn't communicate with each other. If he thought he would only miss an hours work but in total it sounds more like he's missed easily 1.5 hours so he might have been stressing because he never knew how long it was going to take.

@EVHead I would agree communication should have been better but in this particular case, it was communication from the hospital to me - not a criticism but while I knew I was having a scan and bloods, I didn’t know I was expected to see the consultant or specialist midwife. But NHS appointments are always going to be unpredictable.

I really don’t think it was anxiety about the baby/pregnancy. But I am happy to let it go.

I don't think either of you is in the wrong or right tbh. I can see why both of you were upset. I think the communication from both sides was bad, and can be seen as a good learning point moving forward?

I think YABU to assume he would book an afternoon off

has you ever mentioned this to him / had you mentioned anything about doing something after the scan that would indicate he would need to take time off?

he probably expected the whole thing to be over quickly, and got slowly more and more annoyed while sitting on his own in the car presumably getting annoyed messages from his work colleagues, so then acted quiet harshly when you came back

Just mixed expectations.

He thought appointment at this time, scan should take about twenty minutes. Need to be out of work for an hour. Booked an hour off between meetings.

You have more experience of how slow services can be and wanted to make an event of the scan and thought he'd take the whole afternoon off.

You just need to actually talk to each other about what is happening and expected to happen

I don’t understand why you assumed he would book the afternoon off. So yes, I think this is miscommunication and six of one half a dozen of the other.

Well - because I had a hospital appointment. This shows how differently we all must look at things, but I have never, ever gone to a GP appointment, hospital appointment, and been in and out in thirty minutes. And while DH didn’t physically come into the scans last time, he did take me to the hospital on a couple of occasions and so wasn’t completely unaware, as well as the fact that he has had GP/hospital appointments himself in his life and for DS.

As I’ve said, it’s just made me feel like a nuisance and some of the comments here have highlighted that - well why did you think he’d book an afternoon off for that?

What if all hadn’t been well?

As much as it sounds like bad communication, I'd have been upset with him acting like this.

Just talk to him maybe? Gently? Otherwise you might hang on to this and keep ruminating!

I think it’s communication and expectation issue. I do think you’re being slightly unreasonable for expecting he would have taken the whole afternoon off. I’ve only ever booked an hour off for scans (with a bit of leeway afterwards in terms of meetings).

Everyone knows NHS appointments often run late.
Combine that with the fact that any issues found would need to be investigated and the travel time, he should have known he was pushing it by just allowing an hour.

He made an already potentially stressful event even more stressful by setting it against a clock.

You need to be clear that you expect better than him in future as currently the first scan story you can tell your kids is that "Dad was stressed and pissy with me as it took more time than he'd allowed for. He robbed all the joy from the moment."

You both made silly assumptions and failed to communicate.

If you wanted him to book an afternoon off work, you should have said. If he wanted to know how long you'd be, he should have asked.

I suspect he was annoyed because he'd told work he'd be back in time for a meeting and then spent an hour sat in the car waiting around for you.

Maybe he didn't want to book an afternoon of leave when it wasn't necessary?

"What if all hadn’t been well?"

There's no point playing the what if game in your head - things that didn't happen didn't happen and winding yourself up in your own head by creating possibilities that didn't happen is no help to anyone.

Like PP have said, sounds like miscommunication from both sides. He assumed you'd be in and out in an hour (which sounds reasonable for a scan), you assumed he'd book the entire afternoon off and you'd go get DC after and go home. Neither of you had clearly discussed in much detail otherwise this would have come to light. Next time ask him to book and entire afternoon off if that's what you want.

I do think YABU to be annoyed still, miscommunication happens and what is there to raise as an issue? That you're both to blame? Just organise the next scan better now you know what happened this time.

He probably just didn't realise how long he needed..did you specifically tell him he needed to book x amount of time off?

I think what this is showing is that your husband and you don't communicate clearly.

I too would have assumed that a husband would take the whole afternoon off for a scan. But there would have been a conversation about it. And if work had been particularly stressful or imminent deadlines then would have discussed impact of the scan appointment on the work etc.

The fact you explicitly say that he doesn't tell you things about work in general suggests that general communication is not great.

You both need to work on communicating better and clearer before life becomes more complicated as a family of four

What if all hadn’t been well?

But it was. Don't go worrying about a hypothetical situation that never happened.

Leave it. He was annoyed he missed meetings which probably got him into hot soup at work. I doubt he meant to be mean.

I may sound defensive here and I promise that isn’t the intention - genuinely, what should my communication have been? Should I have explicitly told him he needed to take the afternoon off - the appointment was just before 2, the hospital is about half an hour away if you include parking and so on. I’m getting a hard time here about communication but a) communication isn’t one way and b) communicating feels in this instance a bit like micromanaging somebody’s life. If he didn’t want to come or couldn’t come he didn’t have to.

@purplewolfie - if the fault is on me though (which seems to be the consensus) I don’t want to be accusatory. I’m just not really sure what I should have done differently, because I don’t know his work schedule or meetings so saying ‘don’t book any meetings for this afternoon’ isn’t something I would ever do as I don’t know anything about it. I did point out to him he could have come home and then picked me up later: wouldn’t have been a problem but to be fair it’s always easier to see what you should have done later.

I think he was unnecessarily snippy. Also not impressed by the bathing DS for you, getting up with DS this morning as if it’s a favour to care for his own child, why are these things always your job? How’s that going to work when you also have a baby?

NHS and antenatal appointments are notoriously nightmarish timing wise. I’m under a consultant and have regular appointments, the last one started over an hour and 45 late and I only got seen because I said I’d otherwise have to leave to pick DD up and they wanted me to sign some paperwork.

He’ll know for next time to plan more time off and be prepared to be more flexible.

Really glad all went well and wishing you a stress free healthy pregnancy.