AIBU to be upset about DHs behaviour here?

[Getinajollymood]

I was going to post on relationships but it isn’t relationship advice I want so much as to know if this is something worth raising and talking to DH about. I was upset yesterday but this morning wonder if I’m being a bit princessy and foot-stampy.

I had my 12 week scan yesterday, and my workplace is quite near the hospital. Parking is horrendous so I’d suggested to DH he pick me up from work and then we go to the hospital together. We did this, had the scan, all was fine (which is the main thing) but then I needed my bloods taking, urine samples, needed to see a consultant and a specialist midwife (high risk pregnancy due to age and due to a couple of other factors.)

DH has gone back out to the car by now and the whole thing took an hour and fifteen minutes. When I got back in the car with him he was very quiet and ‘off’ with me, asking if I knew I needed to see the consultant and it turned out he’d missed meetings. I naively thought he’d booked the afternoon off for it. I asked if we should go and get DS from nursery and I got quite an abrupt no, it was too much of a pain to get him then go back for my car. The original arrangement was if just leave my car at work overnight and he’d drop me back at work in the morning. I said this and again got a really abrupt ‘I can’t, I’ve got to me (wherever) in the morning.’ (Which is another thing: he never tells me where he has to be until the eleventh hour.)

We barely spoke yesterday evening: he did bath DS for me as I needed to lie down (he doesn’t normally) and got up with him this morning (again it’s usually me.)

But I am quite annoyed and sad. Dh didn’t come to any scans with DS due to covid and I had so looked forward to yesterday and was left feeling like a nuisance who inconvenienced his life.

I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable to talk to him about it - he isn’t a bad person - but I don’t want to make a fuss for no reason either, it isn’t like me to raise something but I do feel a bit let down.

But neither did she!

All of my anti natal appointments always had on the letter "please allow up to 2 hours for this appointment" or something along them lines depending on the type of appointment, but especially for the 12 and 20 week scans.

I would have clarified how long the appointment was expected to be or said I didn't know and that I would prepare for the worst case scenario of a few hours.

Assuming he works until 5, I wouldn't have necessarily expected him to go back after a 2pm appointment but I probably would have asked if he was planning on going back to work after anyway, before the day of the appointment.

I don't think it's micromanaging to ask a few simple questions to make sure you're both on the same page, then things like this wouldn't happen.

Its completely reasonable to expect your partner to come to your scans with you. especiaslly so with a high risk pregnancy.

He knew what time the appointment was and you already have a DC so not like he was completely unaware of how these things can go.

He has made you feel like an inconvenience and that is not on. None of the delay was your fault. Its down to him if he arranged meetings right after a hospital appointment, which everyone knows are notorious for running over.

And even if he was annoyed he'd missed a meeting. No way should he have taken it out on you and made you feel bad about it. Thats all on him for not planning for possible delays at the hospital. Not you. You'd planned around your work, why couldn't he?

And he should have said at the very least, I can take you, but I need to be back by x for a meeting I can't miss, so if the appointment runs over you may have to get a taxi back to work/home, or I'll come back for you after the meeting and you can grab a coffee and wait. Not hard. Why should it be left to you to give him an exact timescale of the an appointment that no one can predict the length of?

who the heck tells their kids a first scan story?

It's about expectations, it's possible he already thought he was 'doing you a favour' by taking you. Not saying he was. BUT, when I went for my scans/anything to do with pregnancy it never crossed my mind that my dh should come with me. It never occurred to either of us that was the done thing. Dh needed to work as much as possible from a financial perspective as when you have children two incomes become one. It was only when I came on mn that I discovered that the father sometimes goes with.

DH didn't take an afternoon off when he came to my scans and I can imagine him being surprised if it had taken as long as yours did.

It's not ok for him to sulk about it though. It's not your fault!

You would not be unreasonable to have a conversation about yesterday, the scan and how it worked out, because it’s the first step to fixing communication in the future.

In addition, it’s definitely more his fault than yours because you say ‘the agreement’ was that you’d leave your car at work overnight, pick up DS from nursery and come home together. Then the following morning DH would need to take you & DS to nursery then work. And he dropped at the last minute that he wouldn’t be honouring this arrangement. That’s shitty of him.

He knows he was in the wrong or he wouldn’t have done ‘your’ jobs like getting up this morning. (Though I am with the rest of the thread on the Get That Unequal Shit Sorted Quick Before DC2!)

Have a ‘problem-solving’ conversation about it this evening, in the spirit of ‘how can we communicate better’ not ‘you made me feel shit’.

Congratulations on the scan

@Coffeellama i didn’t make up crap. Call is paraphrasing. The OPs DH knew they were going for a scan which she has obviously communicated to him. Split hairs if you want. OP, as the patient, had access to much more info than he had and has admitted she naively assumed he’d take the afternoon off. All I’m saying is a 30sec convo with him could have avoided a bit of angst here.

When I've gone for scans, it was literally 30 minutes in and back out. Perhaps from talking with friends, his own expectations, that's what he thought would happen. I definitely wouldn't take an afternoon off even for my own scan. I'd be pretty annoyed if dh asked me to drive him somewhere, didn't tell me a time we'd be finished, and I missed work meetings and looked like a fool to my colleagues as a result.

It’s not splitting hairs, your ignoring what she said. How can she let him no if she didn’t no? They both new she was going for a scan and blood tests, neither of them new about the other stuff. Both should have communicated about what time they’d taken off, but why is it her fault when she didn’t no either?

I agree with this post. Communication from the hospital was bad. But also, with hospital checkups, you have to expect to be flexible. Husband did not, yet he’s experienced having to wait before.

You said it’s a high risk pregnancy so at any point they might have to check something unexpectedly. Plus there is a heap of reasons why an appointment could run late while you are waiting.

He really shouldn’t have been short with you. And an abrupt ‘no’ with no follow up explanation to the question you asked is not on.

I don’t think yabu. I would have been upset too. He did bathe your child while you had a lie down, but I’m not sure he gets points for parenting his child.

If it was me, and this was a one off occurrence I’d probably let it go, one time. But I would be as clear as I could, and remind him that these checkups do take time and he needs to schedule his time appropriately.

Best of wishes with your pregnancy OP.

Sorry but your DH is being a prick. Firstly, how stupid is he to think you would be in and out of the hospital in 10 minutes flat? Hospital and GP appointments often run late etc so he should have taken the afternoon off. Secondly how were you supposed to know he had meetings if he didn't bloody tell you? Thirdly as neither of he above were your fault why the fuck is he being off with you??? He is 50% responsible for creating this pregnancy, or has he not worked that out yet because you're the one whose body it's being carried in? He's treating you, as you said, like an inconvenience which is frankly shit of him. He got you pregnant, but now you're some kind of burden to him?? Arsehole.

I think there is something amiss about your communication for you to so over analyse whether or not you can even talk to him about this.

Nhs appointments are notorious for being late or running over. He obviously thought you'd be in and out. He's missed a meeting, which may or may not be important, which may or may not have a knock-on effect on colleagues.
Next time he either takes time off or doesn't go.

Hang on a minute. If the agreement was to leave OP's car at work overnight, pick up DS from nursery and come home together, how was he ever going to attend the afternoon meetings straight after the scan?
Did the DH have meetings booked that he knew he couldn't make? Did he try to blame that on OP's extra-long appointment?

I'd also feel upset.

But NHS appointments are always going to be unpredictable.

I think that if he had a time constraint and needed to be out of there and back to work at a certain time he should have communicated that. It is fairly unrealistic to accompany anyone to a hospital appointment of any kind and expect to be out of there within a certain time.

Add to that this wasn't an appointment for an ingrown toenail, this was a baby scan and the first one you've been able to attend together. The fact that he put his son to bed and got up with him in the morning hardly warrants a medal, he's a grown up, they're his kids. That's what we do, it's not a way of dodging accountability for being a bit of a miserable dickhead.

I fully agree with this.

It's his work, his job, and was his decision to accompany OP. He was more than capable of taking ownership of the situation and contacting work, attending the meetings and arranging a taxi for OP, or whatever, to solve his own problem. Appointments barely ever run on time, so it's not a matter of saying everyone should habitually book a half day off for an appointment, but that if you know you can't be away from work for more than an hour, don't go to the appointment. He's an adult, it's his business to sort out his work commitments. Bizarre to expect he'd be in and out of the appointment with OP in a short amount of time.

I think he has a TV image of the NHS ( where drs see everyone on time, ambulances turn up in minutes) He expected to sit by a bed, see the scan, 5 minutes to take bloods then out. In the real world it never works like this. Maybe he got a bollocking for missing an appointment or whatever.
Next time could he stay for the scan then drive back to work and you get a cab back if too far to walk?

Its the OP emphasis on ‘FOR ME’ that’s illuminating - in a equal labour household it would be viewed as a task that needs doing, not as one partner stepping in for another?

We have things that we prob do more often, but DH doesn’t put DC to sleep ‘FOR ME’, I don’t take DC to nursery FOR HIM because while one may do it more it’s not my (or DH) sole responsibility.

The tasks don’t shift purely out of necessity (illness etc), but because one of us saw it first, fancied it etc.

I cannot find it, but we did a division of household labour questionnaire over Christmas and it was very equal - bar my not touching the bins and working PT, everything else is equal in my home.

I'm with you OP. He's quite happy to let you do all the work and sounds like he was complaining about the pregnancy appointment taking up his time. It's his baby!

To get into a mood and let it spoil the rest of the day was unfair. Either it was going to be a good, joyful day with a scan and good news, or it was going to be worrying and/or upsetting. Either way I feel you were right to expect him to be supportive.

Some mumsnetters give the impression they would be quite happy to give birth and go back to tilling the field. Some people feel maternity appointments etc very business like and can be sneering of those who aren't that way inclined.

YANBU, I'm in your camp.

Re the point at hand, the issue is communication.

My DH prob would have said he would have to leave at x time to get the bus or whatever back to work for a meeting leaving the car for me.
In fact, I recall similar situ where he had to return to work.

Either way we would have discussed arrangements in advance and/or at the time as thing a change.

This

The man’s obviously an idiot. Getting out from a hospital appointment within an hour and a quarter would be a very pleasant surprise. Anyone who’d rely on being done in less time than that obviously has no prior experience of the NHS and has somehow avoided the blanket news coverage of the current healthcare crisis.

My local hospital is a centre of excellence that takes neonatal emergencies from across the country. Those emergencies bump routine scans so I don’t think I was ever seen less than an hour after my appointment time. And the scans themselves could take half an hour even when no issues were seen.

YANBU, but at least you know now that you’ll have to spoon feed him information that would be a no-brainer to most people.

Whilst I think there was a level of miscommunication here, I actually think the OP's DH should shoulder more of the blame. He ASSUMED how long an appointment would take, and made plans based on that assumption. He does not get to be snippy with someone else because he didn't think to check.

Had he asked, and the OP had sounded certain it would be done and dusted within and hour, and it over ran, then I could understand him being a bit annoyed at the OP. But this didn't happen, because he didn't ask.

I think this is something that went wrong due to neither of you having all the information. Sometimes it can't be helped.
Back when I was having my DC I went to all my scans and appointments alone, or, with DC2, with toddler in tow. There simply wasn't any alternative. DH was at work and there would have been no chance at all of getting time off to come to a scan or antenatal appointment. I know times have changed, but sometimes things don't go to plan.

If you were leaving your car and the two of you going to pick up your child in his car then I don’t think it was wrong of you to assume he wasn’t going back to work. Sure you could have spelled it out more but I don’t think you were unreasonable. Also he was wrong to be annoyed at you for length of appointment. He didn’t check the length so him attending the meeting was his responsibility and so he should have managed it better.