AIBU to be upset about DHs behaviour here?

[Getinajollymood]

I was going to post on relationships but it isn’t relationship advice I want so much as to know if this is something worth raising and talking to DH about. I was upset yesterday but this morning wonder if I’m being a bit princessy and foot-stampy.

I had my 12 week scan yesterday, and my workplace is quite near the hospital. Parking is horrendous so I’d suggested to DH he pick me up from work and then we go to the hospital together. We did this, had the scan, all was fine (which is the main thing) but then I needed my bloods taking, urine samples, needed to see a consultant and a specialist midwife (high risk pregnancy due to age and due to a couple of other factors.)

DH has gone back out to the car by now and the whole thing took an hour and fifteen minutes. When I got back in the car with him he was very quiet and ‘off’ with me, asking if I knew I needed to see the consultant and it turned out he’d missed meetings. I naively thought he’d booked the afternoon off for it. I asked if we should go and get DS from nursery and I got quite an abrupt no, it was too much of a pain to get him then go back for my car. The original arrangement was if just leave my car at work overnight and he’d drop me back at work in the morning. I said this and again got a really abrupt ‘I can’t, I’ve got to me (wherever) in the morning.’ (Which is another thing: he never tells me where he has to be until the eleventh hour.)

We barely spoke yesterday evening: he did bath DS for me as I needed to lie down (he doesn’t normally) and got up with him this morning (again it’s usually me.)

But I am quite annoyed and sad. Dh didn’t come to any scans with DS due to covid and I had so looked forward to yesterday and was left feeling like a nuisance who inconvenienced his life.

I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable to talk to him about it - he isn’t a bad person - but I don’t want to make a fuss for no reason either, it isn’t like me to raise something but I do feel a bit let down.

if the fault is on me though (which seems to be the consensus)

I think it's odd you feel most posters think you're at fault. The majority of posters seem to think both sides could have communicated better, and neither is more at fault.

I wouldn't have taken the whole afternoon off and wouldn't have expected DH to, I had a high risk consultant led pregnancy and until right near the end an hour or two off was plenty. It's definitely. Poor communication. I also wouldn't have been going into appointments thinking I need the afternoon off in case they give me bad news. He does sound like he may have realised he was short with you when in fact you were both at fault and that's why he did extra at home, not good at talking but trying to show you he thinks the pregnancy is important.

I think next time just say to him:
“Just letting you know the appointment is for scan and bloods. It should take at least 2-3hrs (or whatever time you think). The scan is first, so if you just want to go to that, I’ll bring my car and make my own way home after the bloods.”

Mmm. I think you AbU. He missed a lot of work unexpectedly. If everyone took afternoons off for other people’s medical appointments then productivity would fall across the company.

why not just go to routine scans and appointments alone? Or ask a friend or Mum, someone who doesn’t have to be at work.

No but it was your medical appointment, so something like "my appointment is at two, but last time there were always delays etc, I'm going to book the whole afternoon off, what are you planning to do?"

I think a calm conversation if which you explain that you were upset by his behaviour at the scan, that you don't understand why he didn't book the whole afternoon off, that NHS hospital appointments are always going to overrun, be delayed or take longer. Therefore you don't understand why he scheduled meetings for after the scan appointment.

Then really, really listen to what he says in response. Was it just not thinking, is work really stressful etc

I don't think YareBU
You didn't know that you would have to stay longer, so how could you have let him know?

He managed his time badly. Once you were told you had to stay for other things, he should have sorted that out with his work.
He was an arsehole for makin you feel bad about something out of your control.

And bathing your son for you? It's his child too, he should be used to sharing the workload, not doing things to help you!

I imagine this will become more of an issue when the new baby is here.

I think like everyone else it was just a miscommunication.

next time remind him how long it took the last time and get him to meet you there or book the afternoon off.

I would feel the same as you, but I do think you should have spoken to him about how you felt as soon as it was apparent he was in a mood. No point you both sulking when you can get it out in the open and discuss where things went awry.

Legally, your DH has the right to 6 hours off per appointment (max 2 appointments). That is for a reason. You already know you are high risk, which means he knows you're high risk. That does mean that something could have been wrong and he should have accounted for a lot more time than 1 hour. You never know what you will find out at a scan, you should always give it enough time incase you are dealt horrible news. The fact that you already have a DC would indicate to me that he knows how this stuff goes, irrespective of the fact he wasn't able to attend the appointments with you last time.

My 1st pregnancy was very high risk and I had to have weekly scans and consultant appointments from week 20. It was an absolute killer, the wait between the scan and the consultant appointment was never any less than a 2 hour wait. We were self employed at the time, but we always made sure that DH could come with as we knew there was a potential for devastating news or a big decision to be made after each scan. If my DH had made a fuss about being there too long I would have been furious. Thankfully, he's not an arsehole and took the whole process just as seriously as I did.

But ultimately, you do need to communicate your feelings better as stewing over these things never makes them feel better, do they?

Very sensible advice

my DH did not book a half day off for any of my scans - I wouldn’t expect it to take that long normally really. It’s not worth turning this into a major incident. Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope everything goes well

Sounds like mis communication to me. But I agree with you op. I would assume a grown adult who has attended appointments in his life time would be aware to book sufficient time off work if he agreed to go with you. I would talk to your husband and both put your expectations on the table so you know where you stand next time. Also, I agree with a pp, it stood out to me, where you said he did bath time for your joint child- for you! Knock that on the head now before dc2 arrives. They are joint children so it shouldn't always be your responsibility!

I think you’re reading responses with a negative slant. I think like most it was just a communication issue and no one is specifically to blame. Both of you could have asked or said things to avoid it.

Like you I would expect my partner to take the afternoon off for appointments like this in case there are issues especially for a high risk case but it’s always best to communicate that.

Good advice from others. Nothing to add really except to marvel that folk can actually find parking at their hospitals. We need to factor in up to half an hour of circling the car park and often a queue to even enter the hospital site. Despite allowing extra time it was not unusual for DH to miss my consultations as he was still trying to park.

Why did he bathe his own child “for you”?
Sounds like he thinks anything child related is womens work, it’s going to be hard with 2 if he doesn’t step up

When I had a missed miscarriage, I started to connect via an online group with people who had miscarriages, missed or otherwise. To me, it was really surprising how many people had simply never thought it might be a scan that didn’t go well. Some people just don’t think like that.

But in any case - if it hadn’t gone well, he would have just cancelled going back.

You’re looking to pad out your argument there, I think - unfairly. He did nothing wrong not booking the full day.

His mistake was thinking appointments ran on time, yours was not asking what time he’d booked off. Was he not allowed to stay for the rest of the appointment? I don’t understand him going back to the car without you.

This. You are both at fault. The sensible thing would have been for you to get a taxi back to work and let him head away once the consultation had finished.

Sounds as though he stepped up later but most likely hadn't actually asked permission to take time off to do your appointment and expected it to be briefer. If you'd like him at future appointments then he needs to either take time off or have a conversation with his line manager/team/whoever will miss him and explain you have a high risk pregnancy and he needs to be at these things, and will make up the time.

I’d skin him alive (on here!) if it was him saying, “look - I bathed him for you!”
But it’s OP using that language, not him.
So I don’t think it’s fair to jump on him for her language and possibly her attitude.

*As I’ve said, it’s just made me feel like a nuisance and some of the comments here have highlighted that - well why did you think he’d book an afternoon off for that?

What if all hadn’t been well?*

You're just making a lot of assumptions though and that is the problem. Unless otherwise specified I would return to work after a scan and I wouldn't book the rest of the day off on the off chance that something was wrong on the scan, so I don't think its unreasonable to think that was your husband's default too.

I may sound defensive here and I promise that isn’t the intention - genuinely, what should my communication have been? Should I have explicitly told him he needed to take the afternoon off

Honestly yes, if you wanted him to take the afternoon off you should have said that.

The bit that stands out for me is DH bathing and dressing DS ‘FOR’ you.

How much does he normally do because this wouldn’t get a mention in my house as it’s normal.

I suspect there are much bigger issues here…

It’s just a miscommunication. He missed work unexpectedly and was annoyed, he’s human it’s fair enough. It’s your second baby and a scan followed by long boring stuff, you didn’t need him there for the whole thing. You can’t help feeling sad but it’s a very minor thing, ‘raising’ it with him is OTT. Move on and enjoy your moment (that moment being a healthy pregnancy)

Bathing HIS child FOR you?

Getting his child up for you?

There was no reason for him to be so unpleasant about something out of your control.

Not very nice or kind to his pregnant wife whom is high risk.🙄

Mind yourself OP.

I think I’d try and talk in a day or two. Explain things often take longer. In future show him letter/appointment then it’s for him to judge and book off.
If he didn’t go last time and men at work usually pop out for a scan he probably just assumed same.
I’d also suspect it suddenly hit home about high risk. I’d discuss that, some is probably just precautionary due to age or history.

Why didn't he mention he needed to go back to work when you had finished the scan?

Hospital appointments rarely run to schedule so an extra hour wasn't really that much. You can sit around for quite a while at any appointment.

I think you both need to work on communicating clearly. DH are you coming to the hospital with me? What are your plans for after the appointment? etc.

I wonder if next time you can both get taxis there separately and then once all is well DH can leave after the scan and you can stay on for any tests you have?