AIBU to be upset about DHs behaviour here?

[Getinajollymood]

I was going to post on relationships but it isn’t relationship advice I want so much as to know if this is something worth raising and talking to DH about. I was upset yesterday but this morning wonder if I’m being a bit princessy and foot-stampy.

I had my 12 week scan yesterday, and my workplace is quite near the hospital. Parking is horrendous so I’d suggested to DH he pick me up from work and then we go to the hospital together. We did this, had the scan, all was fine (which is the main thing) but then I needed my bloods taking, urine samples, needed to see a consultant and a specialist midwife (high risk pregnancy due to age and due to a couple of other factors.)

DH has gone back out to the car by now and the whole thing took an hour and fifteen minutes. When I got back in the car with him he was very quiet and ‘off’ with me, asking if I knew I needed to see the consultant and it turned out he’d missed meetings. I naively thought he’d booked the afternoon off for it. I asked if we should go and get DS from nursery and I got quite an abrupt no, it was too much of a pain to get him then go back for my car. The original arrangement was if just leave my car at work overnight and he’d drop me back at work in the morning. I said this and again got a really abrupt ‘I can’t, I’ve got to me (wherever) in the morning.’ (Which is another thing: he never tells me where he has to be until the eleventh hour.)

We barely spoke yesterday evening: he did bath DS for me as I needed to lie down (he doesn’t normally) and got up with him this morning (again it’s usually me.)

But I am quite annoyed and sad. Dh didn’t come to any scans with DS due to covid and I had so looked forward to yesterday and was left feeling like a nuisance who inconvenienced his life.

I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable to talk to him about it - he isn’t a bad person - but I don’t want to make a fuss for no reason either, it isn’t like me to raise something but I do feel a bit let down.

The problem here is that you thought he’d taken the whole afternoon off and he hadn’t.
You were therefore, understandably disappointed and he was understandably annoyed that he missed meetings.
I understand that you want him to have the same excitement as you do, but it’s not unusual for different people to have different priorities. Next time, tell him what you would like from him and what you need and make sure you’re both on the same page.
Congrats on your pregnancy!!!

It may suggest bigger issues if she’s about to drip feed. But do you not have unofficially assigned jobs in your house? For example (not my situation as I married a shift worker)… I do baths while DH tidies up, he does breakfast in the mornings or bed times. But one day I need to lie down so he does the bath for me as well as it’s just something I usually do. It doesn’t mean he’s a bastard who avoids his own kids, it means we are a normal couple who have fallen into a nice routine, but pick up each others ‘jobs’ when needed because. Same as if he was ill one morning I could do breakfast for him, doesn’t mean feeding my kids is doing a favour to DH.

@Getinajollymood
@EVHead

EV head said it all.

talk more

Not the point of the thread- but what stood out for me was that 'he bathed our DS for me'. For you? Does he not belong to your partner as well. Why is that your 'job'.?
Like others said i think theres definitely a lack of communication here which you jeed to sort out before baby arrives x

To be fair to you, it was probably on him to say to you "how long do you think it will be, do you think I need to take the afternoon off". Even then, you didn't know about the rest of things apart from the scan, so YANBU and your DH is being unreasonable.

I agree it's a communication issue. He expected to pop out for an hour, you expected him to take the afternoon off. I wouldn't take the afternoon off for a scan at 2pm automatically.

Sounds like he then was stressed out because it overran and he let down work. And then you got stressed out with him because he didn't take the afternoon off as you had assumed.

So really, he should have been more realistic and left longer for the appointment and not taken his stress out on you. But I do think that YAB a bit U to assume he would have taken half a day off and then be angry with him that he hadn't.

My DH would have just hung around, sitting on those awful uncomfortable benches waiting to go from the scan to the consultant or nurse or whatever. He was with me 100% of the way through both of my pregnancies.

I do think your DH could have come back in to find out what the delay was. Why is the onus on the OP to do all the communicating here?

I also 100% agree with what @AnneLovesGilbert picked up on - why was your DH bathing your DS for you? He is your Dh's son too. He was just bathing his son.

I think you need to have a very frank and honest conversation where no one raises their voices to clarify that the communication has been poor from both of you and it must improve, again from both of you, before your second child is born or this could turn out to be the beginning of the end.

I think he’s very U and you’re not at all. You don’t get in a sulk with a woman on the day of her pregnancy scan and tests, you just don’t (baring she’s committed a crime or something else extreme which might make you feel a little frosty!)

I think the fact Covid has skewed his expectations of his role here. The normal expectation prencovid was alway that fathers or partners did come to the scans. Booking an afternoon off would again have been the norm if at all possible - as it’s nice to spend a bit of time together around the scan, maybe have coffee afterwards, pick up any other children together. Not to try to fit it in to “nipping out”.

He certainly should have mentioned it if he wasn’t able to take the whole afternoon. Onus on him.

Those things he did in the evening and next morning were also not “for you” but part of his role in the family.

However I think you need to have a chat re expectations going forward.

This is the kind of communcation issue that causes silly arguements in my marriage. We're both still working to make sure we're clear on our expectations. Yes it's a two way street, but you can both take responsibility for ensuring you're being clear.

Yes, you should have made sure he understood he needed to take the afternoon off. He clearly didn't realise and was stressed out.

The whole 'what if all hadn't been well' thing starts making your footing on this argument more tenuous. Don't go there.

I can't see how this is your fault at all, OP. It doesn't take Einstein to work out that you can't predict how long a hospital appointment is going to be. You may have to wait a long time, especially if the relevant medics have emergencies to deal with, and with things like scans information may well emerge which means that more investigations are needed or you need to be referred to someone more senior. Given that this was known to be a possibly problematic pregnancy, your DH should have been even more aware of that risk. If he didn't formally book the afternoon off and/or rearrange his meetings, that's no-one's fault but his, and he shouldn't have been off with you about it.

Yes, you should have made sure he understood he needed to take the afternoon off. He clearly didn't realise and was stressed out.

Why? Why is it up to OP to work out that he hasn't understood the bleeding obvious and spell it out to him? She's got more than enough on her plate as it is.

Just talk to him. 99% of problems posted on here could be solved by talking.

He made an assumption that the scan would not take long, resulting in him missing meetings and being short with you.

You made the assumption that he had booked the afternoon off when he hadn't and are hurt that he's pissed off about it and squashed your idealised daydream of what the scan would be like.

This could have been easily avoided by "Hey have you booked the afternoon off? These things can take time!" from you or "How long do these normally take? Sorry but I might need to cancel some meetings, I've never done this before!" From him.

Communicate now instead of stewing on it. Don't attack or be defensive, just explain using "I" phrases that you were a bit hurt. Talk it out, give him chance to explain his frustration too and listen to him. You're partners and parents, you need to get better at communicating with eachother!

Did you tell him explicitly how long the appointment would take after the scan? If not I can see why he’d be a bit annoyed.

If you need to, apologise for not being clearer but explain that his reaction has upset you and that better communication would improve things. I suspect he knows this as he stepped up with bath and morning routine. Use your words, people!!

Did you tell him explicitly how long the appointment would take after the scan? If not I can see why he’d be a bit annoyed.

Have you not ever been to an NHS appointment before? Unless she reads minds how is she suppose to no explicitly how long it will take?

The right thing to do would have been to say “By the way, after the scan I have an appointment with a consultant and various tests. It will take another hour or so. So you might want to factor that in to your plans for the afternoon”….then he can process that information and communicate back to you.

This is not micro-managing. Without this information he thinks it’s going to be a quick scan. Yes, communication is 2way, but he’s not a mind reader!!

This

Its a communication issue between both of you so not sure OP why you think everyone thinks it's your fault? Surely irs just normal when arranging these things to say you don't know how long it will take, what are your plans?

My DH finds communication difficult sometimes. If I see him washing my car or doing extra in the garden I know he is feeling guilty about something.

Well I think in this case “at least 2 hours” would have been better than “we’re going for a scan”.

It takes seconds to speak up and manage expectations and make life easier. But you do you and let the partner work it out for themselves and deal withe the inevitable fallout later.

I think next time you need to spell it out.

“This is an NHS appointment so anything could happen with timings and the length of time it will take will vary depending on what they find so please take enough time off to cover that.”

Should This be screamingly obvious to an adult man who can clearly hold down a job? Probably!

He was probs stressed about work because he had missed something important. He probably realised it was his fault.

I don’t think YABU OP. If you didn’t know about the consultant what were you expected to do. Also sounds less like you’re annoyed about him not taking afternoon off (my OH would need express instructions on that type of thing) and more about his childish behaviour and making you and your pregnancy feel like an inconvenience which is not at all unreasonable.

Whoever was in the wrong I always think these things are better if you raise them rather than sit and stew on them - can you have a calm conversation about how it made you feel, listen to him about why he was annoyed and then agree how to handle in future and both move past it. Depends on the kind of person you are but I need to get things out in open to move past them and it always helps to have talked about these things.

Really struggling to see where she said that she told him ‘we’re going for a scan’, but I can see where she explained why she didn’t no the length either:

it was communication from the hospital to me - not a criticism but while I knew I was having a scan and bloods, I didn’t know I was expected to see the consultant or specialist midwife.

But you do you and just make crap up to blame the OP rather than reading her posts properly.

Sounds like a total lack of communication between you. Communication is key to any relationship

Assumptions were made by both of you on how long the appointment could take. Having worked in ANC as a HCA I have seen patients come in for a routine scan and end up waiting several hours to see the doctors re the scan results/ bloods etc. Always have a backup plan on how you'd get back to work or home if your Dh has to go back to work.

This. It's not difficult. It's bloody clear he didn't KNOW.