AIBU to be upset about DHs behaviour here?

[Getinajollymood]

I was going to post on relationships but it isn’t relationship advice I want so much as to know if this is something worth raising and talking to DH about. I was upset yesterday but this morning wonder if I’m being a bit princessy and foot-stampy.

I had my 12 week scan yesterday, and my workplace is quite near the hospital. Parking is horrendous so I’d suggested to DH he pick me up from work and then we go to the hospital together. We did this, had the scan, all was fine (which is the main thing) but then I needed my bloods taking, urine samples, needed to see a consultant and a specialist midwife (high risk pregnancy due to age and due to a couple of other factors.)

DH has gone back out to the car by now and the whole thing took an hour and fifteen minutes. When I got back in the car with him he was very quiet and ‘off’ with me, asking if I knew I needed to see the consultant and it turned out he’d missed meetings. I naively thought he’d booked the afternoon off for it. I asked if we should go and get DS from nursery and I got quite an abrupt no, it was too much of a pain to get him then go back for my car. The original arrangement was if just leave my car at work overnight and he’d drop me back at work in the morning. I said this and again got a really abrupt ‘I can’t, I’ve got to me (wherever) in the morning.’ (Which is another thing: he never tells me where he has to be until the eleventh hour.)

We barely spoke yesterday evening: he did bath DS for me as I needed to lie down (he doesn’t normally) and got up with him this morning (again it’s usually me.)

But I am quite annoyed and sad. Dh didn’t come to any scans with DS due to covid and I had so looked forward to yesterday and was left feeling like a nuisance who inconvenienced his life.

I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable to talk to him about it - he isn’t a bad person - but I don’t want to make a fuss for no reason either, it isn’t like me to raise something but I do feel a bit let down.

I realise that not everybody has a partner with them and I wouldn’t mind if that had been me. I think going forward I won’t be bringing DH to any more scans as I really don’t want a repeat of yesterday. I genuinely thought he wanted to come and that he was quite excited about it. It’s hard not to feel a bit doleful and ‘well now I know his work is more important’ which is both childish and silly but when someone behaves as if you are a nuisance ten year old who left their coat at school, it can be hard not to feel like that. I also feel that it’s the first step to the baby being my sole responsibility, which others have touched on a bit - the ‘for me’ was unintentional but also revealing.

He is not a bad man or a selfish man but because of the way our workplaces are I do have DS a lot more and there is a sense that he is my responsibility because of it. Like yesterday although there were two cars and two parents there was never any hint that he might be the one to get DS from nursery.

I didn’t expect the appointment to be as long as it was and it’s a shame if it caused DH problems and I hope it didn’t but again that communication is two way and I wouldn’t have minded him saying he had to go home to do a meeting and I could have been collected later. I’m not blaming him for that because as I say I have had many moments where I look back and realise I should just have done X but if it isn’t DHs fault it certainly isn’t mine. And it is a one off when all is said and done.

You'd have to live under a rock to expect anything to happen quickly or at all in the NHS.

He must have known he was committing to the afternoon and so would his colleagues.

YANBU, if you agree to support someone at a health appointment you do so knowing it could take a while! If that's not OK, you say no.

I don't get how he thought it was going to work if you were leaving your car at work overnight? Were you going to to go and sit at work with him until he finished?

It’s up to her because she’s the one who will be upset about it.
It’s the same with everything. Because people are different and have different expectations and priorities, it’s up to each individual to be responsible for their own happiness. So either be clear about your own needs and expectations or accept that you might sometimes be let down.

I think it’s normal to have lapses of communication/expectations. It’s how it’s dealt with that’s the issue IMO.

I reckon my DH would have called from car to say ‘how much longer I have meeting at x time’ and we would have replanned from there.

Chances are it would have been sort yourself re app and I’ll collect DC on way home if I’m out and your not.

Either way it would not have caused ill feeling/silent treatment etc. esp as a healthy scan.

Bathing DC etc wouldn’t have been a point of reference as it’s normal shared responsibility.

Things go wrong, expectations don’t always align. Only communication fixes these things and IMO you need a healthy relationship to feel empowered to communicate with no repercussions (silent treatment/row etc)

He’s the one who was pissed off that his assumption about the time needed was wrong. His priority was work so it was on him to make sure that he knew how long the appt was likely to take and either move his meeting, or make it clear to OP that he’d have to leave at a set time. She’s only upset about his (unreasonable) reaction.

Surprised at these responses, in my opinion he is 100% in the wrong

Assuming a medical appointment would only take an hour or whatever is pretty stupid especially at the moment. Even for a scan you can be waiting ages.

If he had something important on he could have asked the OP how long it would take, or mentioned 'oh yes I'll come to the scan but have a meeting at 3 so if it's taking a bit longer and not done by 2.30 I might have to leave a bit before you'.

He could have put his work on notice that he was tentative about the meeting and may not attend due to the 12 week scan.

He could have booked it off

Irrespective of all that, he is being silent and grumpy when he could act like a grown up and explain what the matter is and what he wants to change going forward. But instead he is acting like a sulking child. And I don't think anything that has happened is enough of an excuse to act like a sulking child and take it all out on your pregnant wife

I think the onus was on him to know/work out how long it would take and whether he needed to make alternative arrangements for work. You don't need to do that for him. I get snippy when stressed so understand that but it's not nice for other people. So I think he is in the wrong but I think you are also reading quite a bit into it, like he has not taken the scan seriously or wasn't bothered when I imagine he was just worrying about his meeting. Sometimes we want these days to be really special and memorable and sometimes the up aren't.

I think you both are at fault. I am not pregnant but I need to take blood tests on regular basis and the parking at hospital is a nightmare. The communication in our family usually goes this way. Me to DH: I have blood test coming, will you come with me? DH: Yes we are talking 45 min tops, right? Me Yes, unless there are delays, do you have meetings in the afternoon? Based on his reply we make decision. Sometimes DH doesn't ask me how long it would take, and I just ask him, if he has any meetings in the afternoon he needs to rush too. This is happening every 3 to 5 months so DH should know the drill by now, but we still have this conversation. Simply because these appointments could be short or long and I don't want him to miss any meetings in case he only remembers one of the short appointments.

@Getinajollymood - just in relation to this comment in one of your posts:
"I think going forward I won’t be bringing DH to any more scans as I really don’t want a repeat of yesterday. I genuinely thought he wanted to come and that he was quite excited about it."
I would give him one more chance and say to him that he now knows how long the appointments can take and if he is happy to come, he is most welcome to come but he must come willingly, not under pressure.

I'm still struggling to work out why he didn't get out of the car, go into the hospital again, try to find you and find out when you might be done instead of staying in the car and moping like a stroppy teenager.

Going forwards though, communication has to improve. I'd say more from his side but definitely from both to improve things. I mean this is the environment that your kids are going to learn what it's supposed to be like as an adult. It really won't help them when they go into the world if they try to mirror the behaviour of their mum and/or dad and this cycle begins again.

I genuinely thought he wanted to come and that he was quite excited about it.

He probably was excited about that bit! But obviously the rest of it didn’t need him there, and isn’t exciting. It doesn’t mean he won’t enjoy future scans.

I think it's unreasonable to be upset that he was irritated by the appointment length. But it not unreasonable to be annoyed that he blamed you!! Nobody knows how long a hospital appointment will last . And if he couldn't drive you the next day he just needed to say.

He was shortsighted to think it would be a quick in and out appointment. He failed to communicate to you that he had other appointments that afternoon. Then he sulked afterwards like a toddler. Pathetic. He is 100% in the wrong.

He sounds like a big sulky baby
his reaction was extremely immature

Presumably your husband was still there when they told you you needed bloods and also consultant and midwife appt after the scan. Surely his own common sense would have told him that would take more than 10mins and he should either ask you to get a taxi home or rearrange his meetings.

It isn’t on you to organise his work diary - if I agree to take my DH to an appointment around work I ask how long it is likely to be but always have a contingency for if it over runs or there is bad traffic etc. sulking at you for something outside of your control isn’t ok.

Thread is from January. Baby's probably been born by now.

After my 12 week scan which was very speedy I then had to sit and wait over an hour before I got seen for bloods etc.
I didn't realise it would take that long but this is the NHS so not unusual. I would have been pissed off if DP had a go at me for it. If he wanted to know how long it would have took, he should have asked, and of course the answer is we dont know how long it takes but can potentially take a long time! You aren't a mind reader, it's obvious he should have took the afternoon off and not tried to shoehorn it into the day. Its not upto you to micro manage his working day, he should have planned his time better. He shouldn't have took it out on you it's as simple as that.

@foulksmills

Thread is from January. Baby's probably been born by now.

Omg yeah hahahahaha

A scan is a quick thing whilst a scan and various appointments after with waiting around is a whole different thing, this would piss me off if I had to wait around when in my head it was just a quick scan.

you’re both to blame, you should have been clear that you wanted him to take the afternoon off.

@Divorcedalongtime

A scan is a quick thing whilst a scan and various appointments after with waiting around is a whole different thing, this would piss me off if I had to wait around when in my head it was just a quick scan.

But I thought mine was "just a scan". It didn't say on my letter that I would have bloods after. It only mentioned the scan. Then after my scan they told us to take a seat someone will be with us shortly, we were waiting over an hour, and it was only then when I went into the room with the midwife she went through some forms really quick then said we'll do your bloods now. Can't really blame the op for that.

Ofgs stop making excuses for him people. It's an NHS appointment, we all know it isn't just in and out. He was rude to op and that should be made known to him.

OP, it seems you need to make it clear to him what's expected. Spell it out to him that this things don't just take "an hour". He's a grown ass man that should know this.

I think maybe you could have framed it differently. I'd really like you to come for the scan and go for coffee afterwards.

He was trying to be helpful but had work commitments.

Thread is almost a year old...

We're closing this thread to new comments.