Boarding school

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I genuinely did not still think boarding school existed for little children anymore. Teenagers yes. But I looked up Prince Harry's old school after starting the book, and it takes boys from age 8.

AIBU to think that unless there are extenuating circumstances, sending your 8 year old away to board, with them coming home every two weeks for the weekend, is cruel? With everything we know about attachment and young children now, I just can't fathom it.

@EndlessRain1 they didn't have that choice unfortunately - pub trade so both parents worked and the accommodation was with the pub (so the wages were lower reflecting that)

I did manage to go to one school from year 9-11 which was helpful, but they had all be taking German since year 7 and it was compulsory GSCE... so I had missed out on 2 years of that and had to get up to speed to do it at GCSE

I went to a school that had primary borders. They all seem very different. Much quieter and didn’t interact with the rest of us so much. I stayed overnight a very few times with the borders in their dorms and they were dull spaces, large rooms with lots of bunk beds and boring brown bedside table per lodger. Felt more like a bunkhouse than a bedroom. Not cosy or homely in any way.

Can’t imagine anyone wanting to pay that much for their kid to live there. Nanny would be much better choice.

I went to an independent school that had day and boarding. I was 9. Knew of a few boarders who had a great time and I really wanted to do weekly boarding and tried to convince my parents to send me. They didn’t and I was gutted

Why do the Forces family do this they know having children will change things

i cant get my head around a non working partner to the one in the forces trails behind and leaves the child to board

seems like the childs 's needs come last imo

I was a day pupil at a Boarding school and I remember fellow pupils telling me that they were there because their Dad worked in XYZ or whatever. I used to think but what about your Mum?
If DH had to take a job abroad he would be going on his own or not taking it if it meant our DC going to Boarding school.

I've been reading this thread through and suddenly had a thought.

What if a mother decided it would be better all around if she lived away from home, nearer to her work, but so the family didn't have to move? What if she didn't see or speak to her 11 year old for the first 6 weeks, to help them adjust, and then saw them for exeat equivalents - so maybe 3 - 4 weekends a term?

Said child is still in their home, with their dad, who, say, works school hours only, and available to support extra curricular life, from sports to friends having sleepovers.

That mother would be thought baffling and bizarre, and no one would think it was the right thing for the child.

My dad, and 2 of his brothers all boarded. All completely screwed up. The one brother who went to the local school (they ran out of money) has become the most successful, and most content of them all. I know lots of other awful stories/ results, but obviously my dad is the one I've seen up close.

As to children with severe disability, the relevant schools are just the modern day equivalent of "putting them in a home", entirely necessary, and entirely different.

I know of a family who’s 3 DCs boarded despite the parents never having overseas postings and largely staying in one area. Apparently ‘convenience’ was the reason.
The eldest dc went completely off the rails, the dd has never forgiven her parents and the youngest has a very dysfunctional life.
Ok, boarding school may not be the only reason but there’s little else to account for how the DCs lives have turned out many years later (they’re all in their 40’s now)

I am in New Zealand and remember meeting a women who was here from UK with her husband while he was on a job transfer. Their son was about to turn 8, and when he did he was going to be sent back to England to attend boarding school while his parents stayed in NZ.

She was dreading it, but explained he had to attend the 'right' prep school in order to get into the 'right' college and then the 'right' university, etc. Not something I can really understand, but I guess there must be a different mindset for people who do it.

I know there are plenty of apologists but there’s now also plenty of research that shows boarding young children messes them up psychologically for life, aka ‘Boarding School Syndrome’: see Nick Duffell, Joy Schaverien, Alex Renton & others. Kind of obvious, really: have kids, dump them. It’s a very English phenomenon (designed to produce tough leaders to run an Empire) and lots of non-Brits view it with puzzlement. My college (at university) was chock-full of public school boarder-orphans and though I’d still count a few among my pals in general my own experience is that they frequently display signs of arrested/dysfunctional development: are often socially confident (to the point of thick-skinned) but acutely competitive (to the point of neurosis) yet underneath it anxious, often dishonest or avoidant, unable to form healthy attachments and have no/weak boundaries - actually (sorry to any early boarders on here) I know no ‘normal’ ex-boarders. They’re a car-crash, bless ‘em. That said, usually they’d consider that a compliment

Haha, boarding schools are hell on earth, or maybe just the ones I attended I wouldn't send my worst enemy to one. The difference between day schools and boarding schools is stark. You can't escape from anything, it's just relentless. And if you dare to try and tell anyone anything what has happened you will get taught a very severe lesson to make sure you don't do speak up again! Sexual assaults are common and happen everyday but nobody mentions them, because it drags down the school's name. Bullying and hierarchy rules. If you're small, you're kept as a 'pet'. I honestly think back sometimes at what took place and wonder "how did you even survive that, Keyan!?"

YANBU I have acquaintances who are Christian mission workers in Japan, Brazil and several countries in Africa. Where they were located meant they needed an English school that would catch them up if they came back to the UK for stints. All the children had significant separation trauma although their parents effectively had no choice. Two of their schools had abuse inquiries and were closed. The healthiest and happiest children were the two who stayed with their parents and were taught to read in a village school in Zambia. Yes, they had some academic issues back home, but they caught up fast rather than needing lifelong therapy.

I flexi board two nights a week because I'm a lone parent and have to travel for work.

DD13 thankfully loves it.

Good to know I'm not parenting right though

My DD (13) boards a couple of nights a week. I'm a single Mum and couldn't work without this. Her best friend at school boards full time and has since age 8. While I personally wouldn't want to have my child board at 8, I understand that her parents both being military and on tour in Afghanistan at the time felt boarding was the best option. They didn't choose where they were deployed.. she has fond memories of boarding at that age, albeit she acknowledges that she missed home.

My 3 brothers boarded, as did my father and his siblings. I didn't. I'd say that like with everything in life certain things work for certain people, and not others. It's the same with boarding. You put a child not equipped / suited to boarding in a boarding school and they will be miserable. Interestingly, my daughter was utterly miserable as a day pupil in her state primary, bullied, no friends, resisting school etc. She was academically strong so I put her forward for competitive entry schools. We took the offer received from on of the top UK boarding schools. She's transformed, thriving, happy, made friends and soaring academically so much so she's receiving awards. That said, I've seen some pupils at her school who are not in any way right for boarding - they are so unhappy. As a parent you have to try and do what is right for your child, although I accept some have little choice - like the forces.

@Pinkyxx same here. Single parent and couldn't work without the flexi boarding....apparently though that makes us shit parents.

You can't win though as a single mum. Everyone has a bloody opinion on us.

i boarded (just weekly) from 9 as I asked to as friends were. I was very homesick though then fully boarded from 12 but could still go home most weekends (so most of us did). It has had knock on effects into adulthood (not mental health just choosing absent men!) and I had a really good experience of it comparatively. I can still feel the Sunday anxiety at going back.

yanbu apart from in very extenuating circs eg my friend had an abusive father and school was a safe haven for her. Although I will also say many schools now, especially at prep school level, operate a flexi boarding system where dc can choose to stay a night or two (or none) per week. That seemed to work well for family members dc. They still fully boarded (with quite a few issues) from 12 ish though.

And flexi boarding a teen as a lone parent to enable work is absolutely nothing like the same as fully boarding an 8 year old! I would have none of the issues I’ve had with boarding if I just stayed a night or two per week. No issue with that at all, no different to a sleepover with a friend each week. And there are positives to boarding, I just think in most cases (full) boarding cones with more negatives. I actually think a night or two per week would maximise positives with very little negative.

Mad isn’t it. There are NO circumstances where your 8 year old is better off in an institution, bar extreme medical needs that you can’t provide.

This gets rehashed regularly on mn and despite any evidence or studies showing the effects you will still find people who defend it.

the research (and no I don't have links to it) shows quite clearly that sending children aged 8 away from home for school has on balance a negative pyschological experience for those kids. It can have lifelong effects and is basically a bad thing.
On the basis of that research, personally I think all boarding schools for primary aged children should have been closed due to them harming children. But money talks.

Boarding school at secondary aged is altogether different. It can be a very positive experience for some. It can provide opportunities that are not available elsewhere (music/sport etc) it can provide stability in a child's life.
But so much depends on the child and the school, and even the individual staff in a boarding house.

I’m 35 now so I’m going back years but I boarded from 7. Parents were separated, but both were alcoholics who absolutely despised being parents.

I didn’t hate boarding and it was preferable to being home. But I vividly remember pretending to fall over in the evenings and ‘hurt myself’ so that the house Mistress would cuddle me. The houses themselves were quite nice but I went to a very ‘traditional’ setting and there was rather a lot of funny business from a couple of male teachers and of course no escape from it.

I largely liked school though but I am incredibly ‘resilient’ now. Not an entirely good thing. I wouldn’t dream of sending my children to board.

@Tandees, you got cuddles? In all the years I boarded, there was never one cuddle. I do recall a nurse who'd let you hold her hand when we out walking in a crocodile, but sadly she didn't stay long.

most mission organisations now would not recommend children going to boarding school at primary age.
most would encourage home schooling or local schooling due to the harm boarding school does to young children.
They have changed and moved on due to the evidence that has come out about how harmful it is.

Yes, in my first year of boarding. She seemed ancient but on reflection was probably just retirement age, funny what you remember. It was quite a ‘there, there’ type of affection but beggars can’t be choosers.

As a side point, I have developed a bit of a tik tok habit and it is full to bursting with ‘therapists’. One thing I learned was that it is common for neglected kids to develop fixations with adults. This was me 😮 I remember being fascinated by women I perceived to be nurturing or ‘motherly’. Did anyone else do that? Long story short, boarding school is bad news imho.

@Tandees, re being fascinated by motherly women, yes I do that and have had a long line of mother figures in my life. Didn't realise it was a 'thing'.

I think it’s probably more common than you think. Terrible really - I felt an intense buzz as a kid being around these kinds of women.

I know just what you mean about that buzz. The excitement of someone of being around someone who actually wants to nurture, it's thrilling! Me and my brother were horribly neglected and we've talked about the mother figure thing as he does it too, but I didn't realise it was common. My job has brought me into contact with a lot of older women and many of them had that nurturing trait and I've enjoyed it very much.