AIBU to think parents should stop telling their kids that they can be ANYTHING they want

[michellet86]

Stop telling your children "you can be or do anything you want to"

This is completely untrue and a flat out lie.

I prefer the term "you can do anything you are capable of"

A lot of parents today i've noticed fill their young minds with a cotton candy view of the world and then wonder why their kids feel unaccomplished or sad when they start reaching adulthood.

YANBU

As a TA in a secondary school, I hear this a lot from students, especially the lower ability ones. They tell me “they don’t see the point in school because they’re going to be a Tik-Tokker/Premier League footballer/property magnate/video games creator”.

What makes it even more depressing, is that some idolise people like Andrew Tate, without accepting or grasping that’s it’s not OK to be a misogynist.

I try not to crush their dreams, but I also see it as my duty to keep their expectations at a realistic level.

I despair sometimes though.

I guess you haven't heard that "growth mindset" and "grit" theories have no proven pedagogical benefit outside of lab conditions.

Sad.

That’s what I mean though. The ‘confidence building’ isn’t what gets them ahead really. I could tell my kids ‘you can do anything’ but it’s not really true. They can’t take an unpaid internship in their dream field in London because they can’t do an internship and work and we can’t afford to support them living away from home for extended periods. They probably won’t become Olympic ski champions because we cannot afford lessons and equipment for such an expensive sport. If I had enough money to send them to Eton I could afford for them to have those opportunities. Having confidence is pointless if you’re confident you can do things that simply aren’t accessible to you. And I think it’s kind of a privileged mindset to babble ‘you just need confidence’ because it isn’t just confidence that Eton boys have, it’s privilege.

To be fair, you don't need to be able to sing all that well to be a rock star. And five is probably too young to assess her voice.

I reckon she'll be a little star 😍

My parents managed to perfectly deliver this message and simultaneously install limiting beliefs from a young age

It's tricky being a parent

Given that everyone is not physically or intellectually capable of certain careers, especially some that many kids seem to aspire to (e.g. footballer, ballet dancer, singer) perhaps they should be told instead that working hard at school will open all sorts of doors to them.

(I wouldn’t add that no matter how hard you may work, you may not make the grade as an astrophysicist, but that’s the sad fact - not everyone has that sort of maths and physics brain.)

I think it depends on the age of the child. Dd is in year 2, very imaginative and curious about the world. She tells me she wants to be a ballerina, train driver, zoo keeper, teacher. I tell her she can be and do what ever she wants. At high school its more appropriate to be realistic about careers and life
But the issue around capability is very subjective anyway and children do well with encouragment.
But for primary age children i believe in encouraging them to dream and know the world is wide open to them.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted. Can't say it's ever held me back, I've approached life with confidence and I'm very happy with what I've achieved.

I still don’t think there’s any need to tell them they can’t do anything they want though. There are ways to help them realise their own limitations.

if they want to be a footballer/gymnast/ballet dancer/triple jumper you don’t say no, you’ve got two left feet, you say OK start with football club/dance lessons/athletics club. They usually realise they aren’t going to be the next Beckham along the way and either change goals, or continue for fun.

if they want to be a singer, or rock star, you don’t say no love you can’t sing, you say let’s get some music lessons and go from there. They soon work out whether an hour of practice a day is something they’re willing to do to achieve their goal, or change goals.

if they want to be a neurosurgeon don’t point out they’re in all the bottom sets, but say ok, step one, you need to get into medical school. To do that you need A’s at GCSE, so you’ll need to be sat every night catching up on your school work. Chances are they’ll realise they aren’t prepared to put that amount of effort in to stay level with the brighter kids, so they’ll change goal.

you can still tell them they can be anything they want to be, but usually if they don’t have the natural aptitude the amount of effort needed is too much, and they find something they do have an aptitude for.

waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html

This link doesn't just apply to GenY. I think it's a good (short, with pictures) illustration of why many young (and not so young) people feel disappointed and let down when reality meets expectations once they start work. I see many of these in the workplace and feel simultaneously sorry for them (many end up quite even depressed,) yet also incredibly frustrated at their sense of entitlement and over confidence without substance.

Of course we should encourage and support young people and not ‘kill dreams’ but once they get to secondary school that encouragement has to be balanced with realism and helping them find out about a range of jobs and career paths they could do.

I worry about my 13 year old nephew, who is 100% adamant he is going to be a professional cricket player. He was a precocious young talent and has done very well for his age but now is getting to the stage he is no longer as ‘special’ as he was. He works hard at his sport and is driven but that may not (probably won’t be) enough – there are thousands of kids like him with the same dream.

He has no Plan B for a career, and sees anything less than being on the National team and winning world cups as failure. Hates school, isn’t academic and only goes for the sports. His parents have put lots of time and money into supporting his sporting ambitions and praising his effort and achievements. I just don't think they have done enough to get across that it might not happen and he needs to have some other options. He just doesn’t accept that because the message of 'you can do anything' has convinced him that it will happen.

Depends doesn't it. I'm reasonably affluent and have relatively bright kids. When i say they can be anything they want i mean that they have the opportunity to be pretty much anything they want. And they do with enough grit and determination. Maybe not a professional sportsman/woman but even that i wouldn't rule out if it was what they really wanted.

They could def all be lawyers or doctors or academics in their chosen field. Whether they want it enough (or want whatever they want to be enough more accurately as i don't mind!) is up to them.

I'm a lawyer. I was very far from the brightest in my year at school and i came from a very working class background - i was the first to go onto higher education. But i wanted to be a lawyer so made it happen. I have had a relatively successful career.

My children could be an astronaut if they want, or certainly in a related field. But you don't just get out of bed one day and it has happened.

Goosefatroasts your son's background should not be a barrier to his ambitions.

In your shoes i would be seeking as much career counselling as possible. I think the real limit on working class kids is the lack of knowledge about what opportunities are out there. You need to sit him down and find out what he enjoys and then encourage him to aim high.

To be fair, sport is a young persons game and if you have any chance at succeeding you need to throw as much as you can at it.

school and academics you can go back to. Online courses, access courses, Uni can be done at any age. He can’t put aside his cricket and think he’ll pick it up again at elite level after uni.

there’s a lot of careers in sport now so even if he doesn’t make professional ranks there’s coaching, s&c, support roles etc.

I have one similar and personally I think they should take their shot, and worry about plan B later.

By the way, my very middle class privately educated dc also loves football and hanging around with his mates and one of his best football club friends is on free school meals and lives in a council house. They are not mutualy exclusive options.

Lewis hamilton is from a working class background. His dad apparently worked 4 jobs to pay for his carting.

I really don’t think it’s necessary to earnestly explain to your seven year old that they are very unlikely to be a professional footballer or ballerina. They will work it out soon enough!

However I can’t imagine ever saying ‘you can be anything you want to be’ to my kids, either. It’s obviously not true and it sounds like a slogan on a motivational poster. But until they get to, say, GCSEs, then we’re just having general chat about what jobs are out there rather than wanting them to have a career plan.

Most of my peer group didn’t properly work out what they wanted to do until after university. Obviously there’s a lot more financial pressure on young people nowadays though.

you can still tell them they can be anything they want to be,

At some point, you really shouldn't. You can encourage them to AIM high, but saying that they CAN be anything they want to be (when either academic ability or physiological build or other definite barrier means they can't) is both lying to them, and can lead to devastating disappointment.

Are you prepared for them to blame you for giving them false hope? To not trust your advice any more?

Life will teach them anyway, why not to be supportive as a mother? Unless you are my mum's lost twin, boy she loved telling me and my sister we're not able to do something, always putting doubts, anxiety and fear in us ("because I'm worried as your mother") Needless to say we are very LC with her, especially me. My sister is in very toxic relationship with her, kind of like being married to alcoholic/abusive spouse where you want to leave, but don't know how.

There is a world between saying "you can be anything you want to be" and saying "don't even try" or "you won't be any good at that"

By secondary school age, the conversation should be doing the lines of "you want to be an astronaut? That would be amazing. Let's see what qualifications and aptitudes you need to be able to be one" and then continued conversations about how they're doing in the subjects they need to do well in, and the occasional conversation about other jobs in the same field that could be a plan b.

I remember watching a video on Spanish tv, it was some 11 year olds in their track suits in this tv studio back in late 80s perhaps. The smug presenters were asking them questions, and got to this skinny dark eyed kid. And what do you want to do? they ask. His answer: Win the Champions League (I think it was still the European Cup then). They all laughed (cute kid, but deluded they seemed to say). He seemed totally unperturbed. He went on to play for Real Madrid and won all kinds of championships including that one. That was Raul González.

On reflection I think you are absolutely right. You need both.

This. Depends on the age. Age 5, the sky's the limit. Just reinforce the message that everything requires trying hard in one way or another. And it expands their horizons to dream about being football stars, doctors, zookeeper, postmen, farmers (so they can drive a tractor) or whatever. Having said that, my DC currently wants to work in an office so they can take the train every day and because revolving doors are cool ☺️.

Age 15, and hopefully they've managed to develop a more nuanced view of their abilities and capabilities (or lack thereof) over the years.

My mum never said that. She said "how are you going to manage? are you sure you can do it? This sounds hard" etc. It was enough to make me and sister feel like shit.

What you propose isn't the way my mum talked to me. If she was, it would be different story. I think this is what parents should do. Unfortunately not in my house. She still keeps doing it. I am postponing telling her I'm pregnant, because she will shower me with questions "how are you going to cope with money? Oooh and your husband studies, it's going to be so hard" etc. I don't need it right now.