AIBU to think parents should stop telling their kids that they can be ANYTHING they want

[michellet86]

Stop telling your children "you can be or do anything you want to"

This is completely untrue and a flat out lie.

I prefer the term "you can do anything you are capable of"

A lot of parents today i've noticed fill their young minds with a cotton candy view of the world and then wonder why their kids feel unaccomplished or sad when they start reaching adulthood.

YABU. For many it's their attitude, not aptitude that gets them to where they are. Think of all these billionaires that came from nothing, or any inspirational person from history; if they were told that (and I'm sure they were) then where would they (and society) be? I think that would be a very sad world

'Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.'

I feel really sorry for the wannabe F1 driver. It sounds as though his parents didn't put any energy into helping him achieve his dream.

This 💯

For all of those who are saying it’s “sad” not to tell your children they can be anything they want, my DS (13) wants to be a Formula 1 driver. The reality is he can’t, because we can’t afford £10000s to put him through carting and we don’t have the contacts to get sponsors etc. Would it be more fair for me to tell him, “Of course darling, you can be anything you want!” or for us to discuss options for what he can do, such as engineering with a (still long shot) view to becoming an f1 engineer? We’ve had lots of chats about this and he now has his sights set on engineering, he’s chosen his GCSE options accordingly (which will still be useful if he changes his mind), knows what he wants to do for ALevels and has already started to investigate degree apprenticeships and/ or joining the military. We’ve talked about the need to work hard for this and it’s given him the incentive to rally push for those top grades. If he doesn’t get to be an f1 engineer, he’ll still have a really great career if he sticks to his plan.

If I told him he could be an f1 driver, he’d probably think there’s no need to work hard at school and would have no realistic plan for his future.

But how? You need an awful lot of money behind you to make it in F1 let alone talent and most people just don’t have it.

He will go far, let him dream big

I disagree with this. Assuming it is of course not your general attitude as some people are miserable with anything and everything.
I've felt like this many times and thought I'd never get there. It was always something, then eventually mid 30s, after many, many different jobs I did finally get there. You don't have to accept your lot in life, you do have choices.

@Delectable 😂

Gouseatfatroasts,
It's good to hear that your son is bright and doing well in school. Some lads of his age despite being bright don't work in school to appear cool in front of their friends. Or they have friends who just don't want to be in school and cause trouble in every class.

I know that your probably thinking where do I start if I want him to do a levels and go to college when you may not be aware of whats out there?

I presume that you want your son to do a levels and go to university. What subjects is he good at? What are his interests? Could he do one of the new apprenticeship where you work, learn, go to college part time and get a degree within a few years?
Is their a career guidance teacher in his school that you could speak to? Have you spoken to his school principal? Have the school done any career guidance tests on him to see what area he should go for study wise?
I wonder what funding would be available to him for going to university? Could he get any scholarships ect? Your school might know this as well.

I would ask your son what would he like to do. Ask the school do they know any companies that could give him some work experience so he could see what particular jobs is like. I know of one girl who got work experience around his age. She realised she would like to work in the job A area but hated job b work experience. She is now in her 2nd year of a degree towards working in the job A area.

Could you bring him to a few college/university open days so he can see what available, get more information and talk to students or college staff about course's?
Do you know what further education is available in your local area? The local library should have information on this also.
Go to your local library and ask them if they have any books on going to university or career guidance? Some of these might be reference only so bring a notebook and pen. Take down information and websites so you can get more information.

I know you said he is a working class lad and into his football. I have known lads like him who did well in school and went to college/university and they have good jobs now.
Most of them worked full time during the summer and holidays and had weekend jobs to help with costs.

But don't forget that schools used to be realistically funded and university wasn't too difficult to go to. There were grants. If you worked hard, you could conceivably go to uni and that would become a spring board to a good job, if you got a first.

A first or 2. 1 wasn't that difficult to achieve with hard work.

It's just lately that dreams and aspirations have become impossible. I don't think this government necessarily wants everyone to achieve their goals.

I certainly think Martin Luther King's aspiration for children of all races to be achieving together is being borne out in reality, certainly, more so than in his time, and so the sentiment is a powerful and positive one and creates opportunities, in itself .

This.

It doesn't have to be one or the other.
One of my dc wanted to be an actor.
I had lots of conversations about how he might achieve the dream (took him to a drama group, encouraged him to take part in productions etc) whilst also helping him understand that 99% of actors do not have acting jobs for 99% of the time, so, rather than working in NMW jobs between acting jobs, he could crack on with getting enough qualifications to be able to work at jobs that pay more in between the acting jobs .
No need to squash dreams and limit potential at all.

Also depends what age they are. At various times my dc have wanted to be an archaeologist, and actor, a fighter pilot, a psychiatrist, a person that looks after other people's dogs, and ice cream van driver and many things besides. When they are young, you accept and encourage. You know that things change. You encourage them to gain skills and qualifications where they can and see where life takes them.

So yes, I think YABU.

There's a reason most F1 drivers are the children of millionaires or F1 legacies.

It is the sport of the super rich. Working class and even middle class children will never be able to get in - no connections, no numbers passed under the table, no £100k to get a reputation.

It's a pipe dream.

It's all about getting a balance. We concentrated on helping keep doors open for a range of things for as long as possible. I think like with uni choice advise you need one aspiration a couple of very sensible options and a back up plan.

They should focus on hard work, networking and seizing opportunities TBH. Then they might begin to have a chance of the plum positions seized by nepotism and privately educated babies. It’s hard for state school kids. They need to know that.

Not so much that as a job is needed to pay the bills. I'm genuinely glad you founda great one, though.

I fully agree with this. Parents need to manage their kids' expectations so when they show up in the real world and see what it's actually like they don't spiral into a depression.

That sounds so mean! She’s 5. People can learn to sing like they can do anything else. Okay some natural talent helps, but doesn’t mean she can’t learn. 5 is so young!

I think it depends what it’s in response too. If my child said ‘I want to be a vet’ I’d say of course you can do that, if you work hard you could go to university and become a vet. If they said ‘I want to be a famous actor making billions of pounds’ I’d say the majority of actors do not work most of the time, make very little money, and it’s very hard because it’s so based on luck, but I’d be happy to support them with acting lessons and see if they feel a passion for it. There’s no point just blandly saying ‘you can do anything’ because it isn’t clear. I prefer something like if you work hard you can do great things.

*in response TO

However I think on the other side it’s pointlessly cruel to say something like ‘you won’t be a rock star because you can’t even sing’ to a 5 year old. What is the point of that? To me, I’d say ‘why don’t we look at singing or music lessons? If you work hard you could become a good musician and learn to play rock music.’

I don’t agree with pointless platitudes if you can do anything, but I don’t think nastily squashing your kids is useful either.

Well that's true. I always wished I came from a rich family or will win the lottery one day, that would definitely be preferable to having a job that's for sure.
Thank you 😊

I agree OP - I think it's fine to say to little children, but by early teens it needs to be tapered off, and 'capable' needs to be linked to hard work and application, beginning with school work. I know a few teens who want to be gamers or youtubers, and for those types of jobs it needs to be explained as being more like a lottery, than something you can work at and have success follow.

We'll, these things aren't unconnected.

Absolutely!!