AIBU to think parents should stop telling their kids that they can be ANYTHING they want

[michellet86]

Stop telling your children "you can be or do anything you want to"

This is completely untrue and a flat out lie.

I prefer the term "you can do anything you are capable of"

A lot of parents today i've noticed fill their young minds with a cotton candy view of the world and then wonder why their kids feel unaccomplished or sad when they start reaching adulthood.

Obviously he should go to uni and study some profession.

What are his academic interests?

He could find some people in careers he interested and have a chat about what they do.

I like this.

I know so many kids who have that plan. Oh I’ll be a gaming YouTuber/influencer. They don’t seem to think ‘I want to work in gaming so I should work very hard in IT, maybe look at a business or media studies degree, or possibly go into graphics and IT and try to become a game designer.’ Just ‘I want to be KSI so I’ll just sit around playing games.’ That’s the problem, no realistic plans linked with the ‘dream.’

Can see where you’re coming from. It’s a pointless statement in a lot of ways. You can’t be a prima ballerina if you’re not much of a dancer etc. But the first step to being something is identifying what it is you want to be, right? And childhood should be a time of dreams and big plans. I was going to live in a big apartment in New York and be a bohemian artist. Shockingly, didn’t happen.

Tbh both the DH and I are frustrated creatives who ended up in an (allegedly) lucrative but deadly dull profession neither of us much enjoy. We were both channelled (or wrestled in a head-lock) towards said ‘sensible’ career at 17 and well away from where our respective interests and talents lie. My folks were all ‘there’s no money in art.’ Which is commonly true rather than false, but then, somebody’s got to be a success, and not everything in life is about making money.

Instead, we’ve said to our kids that we think the ideal work situation is to identify something they enjoy doing and see if that could lead to a job that brings them personal fulfilment. Bit nuanced when they’re five though (the little one wanted to be a bus-driver/pet lifeguard/ operate a NISA store, which shows a lot of versatility right?).

It’s turned out a funny one cos DS has turned out to be fairly talented in an area which is about as competitive as it could possibly be, a tough one to get into and he has scarily big dreams. If I’m honest he’s not the world’s hardest grafter, and my main concern right now is he’ll end up with a fairly pointless degree and a lifetime of disappointment, but fortunately I’ve been down the ‘why bother if you can’t be Picasso’ route with my own parents, and good old DH points out DS doesn’t need to be the GOAT in his chosen field, there’s lots of jobs involved in it, many jobs that haven’t been invented yet, and an infinite number of ways to eventual happiness. Kids shouldn’t be encouraged to settle for the path of least resistance either, and it feels to me now (with some reservations) like it’s better to be encouraged and fail than for it never occur to you that you might as well give it a good crack and get nowhere, God loves a trier.

The people I’ve known who are head and shoulders above the rest in my line of work aren’t necessarily people who’d have been judged most capable as children (the best one I ever met didn’t actually get the grades to get into uni and got a place because she bombarded the admissions people with phone calls, demonstrated a genuine interest in the degree and interviewed well). The one common characteristic they all have is they’re consistent, focused people who really want to do the job well. I think tenacity and resilience are under-discussed with kids, as well as the virtual certainty you will at some point fail, but that failure is a main ingredient to eventual success.

I agree, the endless reassurance is so unhelpful!

I am quite specific with my DD when they come up with their unrealistic dreams and try to get them to think about what skills and qualifications they would need and whether they would enjoy that and be able to do their best. We also talk about the conditions of a job, not just pay, and things like stable income. They are 9 and 11. I think it's important to be upfront about the graft entailed for many sought after or glamorous looking jobs, and also the likelihood of being a famous singer etc. We talk about related jobs that use similar skills and how they compare. I think they have a better idea of jobs than I did at their age, but then I am 46 and probably not v in touch with how things work, so I am sure I'll feel out of depth when my dd get to an age when they're actually looking at careers.

How cruel.

Of course she can't sing, she's 5 and never had any training.
Get her some music lessons and she'll be singing a playing an instrument within a year.

That is a fact because I started lessons at the age of 40 and I can most certainly sing and play piano.

I had an ignorant jealous mother who stomped on my interests.

I had the pleasure before the old bat died of proving her wrong when she happened to put on Fleetwood Mac cd at a holiday gathering and I got up and sang and everyone applauded afterwards and she said, "well I didn't know you could sing!"

Gosh OP that is so depressing. I think the parents attitude everything. I'm from an immigrant family and we would be nowhere if that's how they thought.
There is the element of hard work, because yes, its unlikely you'll get anywhere without that. So telling your kids they can be anything without working for it, that is a mistake.

This is fair

Good point

Some friends of mine told their very small daughter she could be anything she wanted to be when she grew up. She told them she thought she'd like to be a hedgehog!

@shiningstar2 puts it the way I would say it.
At school they said I would never become a nurse as I wasn't very good at exams but good at coursework and practical elements.
Now Im a nurse practitioner, very experienced and I love my job!
They had no idea what I was like... they just saw exam results.. my parents never gave up on me and knew I was doing my best.

On the other hand I used to go to a theatre school, singing, dancing and acting.
I would never be a prima ballerina (I could dance but I wasn't the best) I couldn't sing (so always sang in a group) and I wasn't a very good actress (so only ever had couple of lines) But I loved it. My parents were truthful/realistic about this 🤣

@Goosefatroasts
Try googling 'widening participation' and the name of whichever Universities are closest to you. There should be schemes that your son can access so that he can visit the campus and talk to people about what University is like and what careers various degrees can lead to.

If he's interested in medicine/ medical sciences/ health professions, then message me and I can point you to some additional support.

I think you should replace "capability " with "talent" or lack of.

There are lots of things you can become good at, even shy/unconfidant people can learn to become good speakers in front of an audience, or someone can learn how to run a successful business,especially as they get older. But some things just come down to pure talent, particularly around performing arts such as singing and drama, and even the best of those don't always succeed in it.

That's when you need to be honest with your dc, I don't mean crush dreams! But be realistic. I have advised her not to throw away the two years she gets when she leaves school which which will be the last free education she gets, and to use them as a stepping stone. I've also said to her, "Try to learn skills which are transferable."

My dd enjoys drama and does it at GCSE. She's fairly middle of the road in it, doesn't sing or dance or do clubs out of school, etc, but enjoys it. When it comes to doing her options for college, we discussed what she might like to do. Some of her friends are doing drama alongside some other random subjects (I say random because they don't really "fit" together as anything particularly useful). I have discouraged her from doing drama at college because it's difficult to get a job, you have to be very resilient at handling rejection and criticism, which my dd isn't great at, and most who do well have generally been doing drama/dance clubs for years and have a certain drive. Plus we don't live in London or a big city. If she was desperate to do it, I would support her, but I also want her to be realistic.

I come from the generation where every Tom, dick and Harry went to Uni in the 00s and did silly courses, which is why degrees became common instead of a thing to really be proud of, and why they had to start charging high Uni fees, because it was getting ridiculous as people weren't using their degrees. This has made it harder for my dds generation, so I want her to really choose carefully whilst her education is free for the next 2 years rather than just pissing about. Her generation can't, unfortunately.

She has chosen what she wants to do and is happy with her choices.

It’s a tricky one. I do agree with you.
I work with teens though and it’s depressing how many say they want to be youtube influencers. Not quite as depressing as the number who say they want to be gangsters or porn stars though.

Agree @meetmynewusername, lots of the kids I taught (KS2) wanted to be “famous” - not famous for anything in particular, just famous 🙄. So many on you tube out there making it with no talent, it’s hard to get kids to understand that it’s an infinitesimally small number that will become millionaires by sharing videos of their farts 🙄.

I think that statement is a very inspiring one actually, for all the aforementioned reasons.

But it should also go hand in hand with Einstein's famous saying "Genius (or success in this case) is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration".

I do think if you work hard you can achieve anything. But cleaners work hard. Actually working hard to achieve great success is a combination of will, motivation, confidence and strategy. And that's obviously weighted heavily towards people from comfortable backgrounds. Those less well off have to ""work" that much harder.

I honestly think this is such a harmful message.
When I was growing up, I was a young carer to my DM. Because of this, I missed school, I had teachers that said I wouldn't ever amount to much. I never had bad behaviour, they just didn't see my potential.

When I went to college, I was going to apply to Cambridge. My tutor sat me down and said to me that I needed to be realistic and not waste my time. I then decided not to apply to university, went into full time work on minimum wage and ended up pregnant at 19.

Fast forward, I went to university, got a first class degree in an academic subject, masters, PHD and am now qualified as a lawyer working in a magic circle firm. I was awarded a major prestigious scholarship to pay for law school.

I honestly believe we should tell our children to reach for the stars. There are so many negative influences in life, be their champion! They will get to a point in their life when they realise themselves what they are capable of.

I mean I do think there is a middle ground between saying ‘you can’t go to uni, just get a NMW job’ and ‘of course you can be a gaming YouTuber making millions with no qualifications, just by lying about playing video games day and night.’

It’s about supporting your kids by helping them work hard to achieve challenging but realistic goals.

It’s just basic probability. I mean, kids should be made aware of the relative probabilities of different jobs/lifestyles. How competitive is it to be an astronaut, professional basketballer, film star? This might be modified by certain genetic/physical characteristics - a short child with short parents might find it harder than average to play professional basketball.

but maybe they can be happy with it as a hobby or working in a related field - eg engineer (rather than astronaut) or ref/coach/physio rather than sports star. I’d recommend a back-up option and also for them to consider their likely earnings if they don’t make it to the top tier.

Growth mindset isn't about telling your children they can be anything they want to be.

I remember being told the same as a child and thinking that it was just a flat out lie.
I remember listing things in my head that would never be a possibility for me.
I don't have the right build to be a gymnast or ballerina. I don't have the sight to be a pilot, I don't have the money to be racing driver, I don't have the drive to be a Doctor.

WANTING to be something is never enough.
I want to be a lottery winner but it's not going to happen. You cannot be anything you want to be. That is a lie.

I agree OP, I like your alternatives
"you can do so much"

"the future has so many possibilities for you"

Wow. That is such an incredible achievement, and one I'll quote to my DCs (while telling them they can do anything they want)!

Hmm it's true that connections helps. But people with no connections have become famous actors, pop stars, bankers etc too. The reason most aspiring pop stars never make it is purely because a lot more people want to do it than there is space in the industry. So it's obviously not true that anyone who wants to, can, however good they are. That would still be the case even if there was no nepotism. If you go for something where there are more jobs available then background, social class etc isn't a significant problem. Thinking of careers such as medicine. The main issue is lack of aspiration and lack of self belief. Almost all of that comes from parents. Ability may hold some back but I believe most people are good enough at something to succeed in a career.

YANBU. I think many of the Apprentice candidates must have been told this.

I think shows like the X factor and Britain's got talent are classic examples of where family and friends should have stepped in and said look, it's nice to have a dream (I personally fulfil mine as christina Aguilera in my car) but you're not going to be a big star because you cannot sing you're not talented enough. Instead, the whole "reach for the stars!" notion means embarrassing yourself on TV.

I always wanted to be an author but I came from a poor background, a very low performing state school and had to work almost full time while still in FT education. So I became a communications professional. I still get to write for the majority of my day (or did, I’m in a leadership position now) but it actually pays my bills!

Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Outliers, has a lot of great insight on why not everyone can do what they want. It can be about your physical attributes, the point in the year you were born or your family socioeconomic background. It just isn’t a level playing field. All we can be is the best we are individually capable of.