AIBU to think parents should stop telling their kids that they can be ANYTHING they want

[michellet86]

Stop telling your children "you can be or do anything you want to"

This is completely untrue and a flat out lie.

I prefer the term "you can do anything you are capable of"

A lot of parents today i've noticed fill their young minds with a cotton candy view of the world and then wonder why their kids feel unaccomplished or sad when they start reaching adulthood.

Sorry but YABU. If you don't want the 'cotton candy' approach, why not just be 100% realistic? Most people don't even get to do what they're capable of, let's be honest.

When the average salary is around £33k and you have the following statistics then I think you need to rethink your OP.

1/3 are unsatisfied with their job.
Your class and parental status is the biggest factor in determining their success and most don't succeed at anything.
Women get paid less than men.
Minorities fare worse (so tough if you're female and a minority).
A huge number of jobs are bullshit jobs with no purpose at all.
House prices are too high for the average salary.
The cost of living is too high for the average salary.
They're most likely to be earning the average salary or less.
To be in the top 10% you need about £70k disposable pa and I'm sure people earning that don't feel like they're in the top 10%.

When all is said and done, most of our children will end up being quite mediocre so why beat about the bush?

I think that it’s ridiculous to tell a child not to aim high if they want to. It’s fine to say that becoming a vet requires a lot of work and is really competitive. And to let them know that all is not lost if they don’t get there, because there are other options (like vet nurse or whatever is appropriate).

but not to stifle their dreams or ambitions. There’s no point telling a 10 year old they might struggle to become a vet so they should ‘aim lower’. But telling the child who wants to be a vet but isn’t going to get the GCSE grades to make progress towards that about other options is very sensible.

Sport is worth it in itself. You don’t need to become Olympic 100m champion to get loads from athletics.

My view is to encourage them to aim for a career that interests them, confidence to challenge themselves and know where their strengths are.
I think the "You can be anything" started from well meaning parenting advisors as a way to build self esteem and it works for under 8s , as you don't have much idea where their strengths will be in future. So I think it works very well as a starting point but you wouldn't still be saying this by the time they are in their teens you and they have a better idea of what their capabilities are.

I presume if a child wants to be a biologist doing only art and music and history in school may make doing biology in uni a little tough but there is lots of routes into uni these days

Sometimes it takes more work than it should, or taking a different pathway to reach the same end

YABU

I am privileged to come from a well off background - not elite, but well off middle class in probably the most affluent area in the U.K.

I was always told when growing up I could do and be anything that I put my mind to. Never discouraged with the myriad insane ideas I had.

All my peers were told the same and I would say half do creative occupations which they are succeeding in. Authors, musicians, artists, designers etc. Weirdly pretty much all of the younger siblings are working in the city for corporations in some capacity - which is interesting in itself. And am unsure why. But I would say the first group (my peers and I) are probably more representative of the spread of occupations if people ‘did what they really wanted’.

I myself have been quite flexible doing all kinds of routes to get where I wanted to be (still a winding way to go I am sure!). One of those was to work in a care home in a not so affluent part of the U.K. The people who work there are incredible! So personable, warm, witty, quick thinking. They are no less capable than any of my peers or I, or our siblings for that matter. But over half of them are miserable that they work there. They genuinely don’t believe they can do anything else. Change careers, earn more, that anyone will hire them, or that they could get additional qualifications etc. And they could because I can guarantee you half the people in high flying jobs could not cut a week as a care home senior let alone decades of constant working covering peoples shifts left right and centre. They are so capable, and so hardworking. 20x harder working than my peers and I.

I absolutely will be telling my boy he can do anything he puts his mind to.

I’ve told them to work hard at school so that doors don’t close on any options they might have . I’ve told them to try and find an area they enjoy and I’ve told them that if they have to work 5 days a week they might as well be earning decent money . I’ve also had to puncture their dream of being the next Harry Kane .. but I guess that’s a common theme for a mum of boys .

Personally, I think we should stop putting so much emphasis on happiness coming from what we do to make money. I find it so sad that so many adults don't have hobbies because they weren't 'good enough' at said hobby to make it a career.

When my kids are older, I will tell them that they should do what makes them happy, whether they make money/a career from that or not. It doesn't matter if you don't become a professional singer, but you should still join an evening singing group/choir/ go to karaoke in your spare time. It doesn't matter that you don't get sponsored by Nike as an Olympic athlete, you should still go to a running/climbing/tennis club in your spare time.

Both myself and my husband were told to achieve great things because we were 'so clever' and when it didn't happen, we were left miserable, depressed and felt like we'd massively underachieved. It didn't matter that I had 3 degrees, 1 from Oxford-I still felt like a failure because I wasn't at the top of my game and I didn't really enjoy the path I'd gone down. It's only in the past few years that we've stopped trying to find joy in the thing that makes us a salary and started finding that joy in our personal lives/hobbies.

@thecatsthecats im the same and it took (relatively) ages for me to settle into a career that was (reasonably) right for me.

Depends on the age. For younger kids I disagree. The world is their oyster, they need to dream and explore their interests. Dreaming and encouraging confidencen is good.

For kids who aren't young, but say upper primary/ lower secondary I think it's a good idea to talk about what certain careers require and the benefits and disadvantages of them. We have started talking to DD about university, money etc when she mentions specific careers.

For older kids that need to start considering their future it's different. They obviously need some guidance on what's realistic for them given their interests and capabilities and what they have to do to achieve what they think they want to do.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=XXTGuY4_lnw

I think there needs to be a balance of encouragement as well as realism.
I' ll never forget my Dad shaking his head and telling me "You won't get that" after proudly showing him a letter about an interview l had lined up for the next day.
Guess what, l got it and l excelled at it.
I think some parents also need to question whose dream it really is. My neighbour seems more upset his son didn't become a famous succesful football player than his son himself, who is still happily playing football years later.

I understand where you're coming from, but surely the issue here is the idea that we as a society place different jobs/careers in either a 'worthwhile/not worthwhile' category? We NEED carers/refuge collectors/shelf stackers a lot more than we need authors/artists/singers. I'm not saying the latter aren't worth doing, but I do hate that we put those professions into an exalted status whilst telling carers that they can 'still be anything they want to be'. How about telling carers that they are bloody awesome and that their job is vital, then show them more respect and pay them a decent wage. The reason those carers don't want to be there is because they're overworked and underpaid, in an underfunded sector with very little respect. That should be the thing that changes, not telling them all that 'they can be so much more', because that's so insulting to the profession.

I've told my DC of course you can, when they wanted to be in very demanding careers when they got older, as tiny kids in primary school. The caveat was they’d need to work at it, and they would need to love doing it because life is a long time to be doing something they hate.

Personally I didn’t think much of it, and now when my dc are older both are firmly fixed on the paths they chose as very little children.

I wouldn’t squash any child’s dreams, I would realistically say I’ll help as much as I can with the resources I have.

some children are very focussed and determined.

i was always just floating along no idea what I wanted out of life.

I admire kids who have a focus and a passion.

I went to work in a care home myself. So hardly exalting it. I really loved my colleagues and wanted them to be happy. Some wanted to be paramedics, nurses, vets, teachers etc. Whether some of those are any better paid are debatable! But it’s what they want to do, they would be happier, and those jobs are also of value.

And I am not saying creative jobs are worth more than non creative. But they do seem to be mainly those with only more affluent routes doing them now. And that probably is the reason we have awful music on the radio 🤣

I do think greater representation all over would be better.

There is a difference between lying and telling your child ‘you can’t sing.’ An interest in music is a great thing, and could easily be encouraged with music lessons or similar. The fact is you were just pointlessly mean to your own small child.

I think to encourage them .don't step on their dreams though. Lots of dc have dreams .not many dream about working in a busy office or factory. Let them dream .my dd was shy and struggled a bit with school work .now msc in physics.

yeah I agree with this.

DD can't sing very well. She, like many other little girls, has had periods of wanting to become a singer. Clearly will never happen, I know that but of course I dont' tell her. She loves singing and will soon enough figure out that she will not be a professional singer. There is no way I want to put her off something she enjoys to protect her from attempting a singing career, how ridiculous.

As a child I wanted to be a princess, a rockstar and the president (of nowhere in particular). My parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Funnily enough, I am now working as a lawyer, and not out chasing princes or hopelessly pursuing an unsuccessful rockstar/ president career.

Isn’t it more likely that the bits at Eton succeed because they come from very wealthy families? They are able, for example, to take internships and further study for years while living off their parents, are able to be funded through things etc. They also are usually from well connected families, so are able to network from an early age. Other children from regular working class backgrounds don’t have those opportunities. They don’t struggle to excel because they aren’t told they can excel - it’s because they know they must work hard just to meet basic needs from early adulthood, so aren’t able to devote the same time and efforts to ‘chasing their dreams.’ We all have the same 24 hours in a day, but some people have much more to fit into that 24 hours. Chasing your dreams from a luxury apartment that mum and dad pay for without ever having to worry about bills is not the same as chasing your dreams before and after your 9 hour a day slog job that you need to pay your basic living costs. That type of ‘hustle and you will make your dreams come true’ attitude is something I dislike because it doesn’t take into account that some people start way ahead.

My children are only 2, so I tell them they can do/be anything they want - it currently varies between postman, dentist, daddy, train-driver, astronaut, working with computers.
When they are older, and I can see their natural talents/inclinations better, I'll temper the message.

Don’t most kids want to be Tik Tokkers now?

Yeah, and most adults do too, but unfortunately we're all too busy doing stupid things that no one wants to do that end up with aspiring tik tokkers having dinner on the table and clean clothes that fit to wear.

What a mind can conceive a mind can achieve.
It’s not enough to want though, you can be anything - yes. But at what cost? Grit, hard work, luck, support. 99% are not capable to achieve their dreams because they either give up too early and prefer to divert their efforts or don’t have capacity and support system to put enough work in proportionally to their capabilities.
So I agree with you, you can’t be anything you want. But you can be what you will work for.

To a point absolutely. But Eton boys do far better than many other privately educated and equally privileged boys as they go hard on confidence building and playing to strengths. (Not necessarily a good thing given the recent crop of politicians that have destroyed our country).

I disagree (to a point). Obviously if your child is thick as mince it's fair to be realistic with them if they want to be a neuro surgeon. But kids development is variable over time and restricting their opportunities isn't on

What a mind can conceive a mind can achieve

I'm sorry, but that's laughable. I can conceive of being an astronaut. But
my scraped pass at maths O level (which I had to work REALLY hard for, with extra tuition*) was never going to let me be one.

I can conceive of being an Olympic long jumper, but at 5' 0" I was never going to achieve that either.

*I was a very bright grammar school kid, but my brain just couldn't handle maths.