AIBU to think parents should stop telling their kids that they can be ANYTHING they want

[michellet86]

Stop telling your children "you can be or do anything you want to"

This is completely untrue and a flat out lie.

I prefer the term "you can do anything you are capable of"

A lot of parents today i've noticed fill their young minds with a cotton candy view of the world and then wonder why their kids feel unaccomplished or sad when they start reaching adulthood.

Having a re-think it's more nuanced, this subject topic thread is,

some barriers with support can be navigated if individual has self awareness, highly driven determined to do whatever career/vocation or calling in life,

I think it's balanced between most/all of our viewpoints here really to a certain degree it's depends how emotional /techniques etc evolved individual is or got the potential to be

Depends on environment too, such as class in society family backgrounds values peer pressure ect

I just broke it to my 5 Yr old that she can't sing so won't be a rock star

There's many people ion history for whom that was no barrier at all😀

True especially after seeing the Beckham kids, you can't be everything you want to be even with the Privellage.

I know where you are coming from op. Every soprano or main actor in the school play thought they were going to be a mega star. No need for exams ext. Difficult to try to explain that on the whole there was a kid as talented as them in every school. My take was follow your dream but how about doing a degree or something as back up. Aiming for star part in the west end ? Great .. super ...I'm your biggest fan if you make it. Do you fancy inspiring other kids as a drama teacher if you don't 😄 Same every star of the school/county team was hoping to be the next maradonba. Great. Some make it. I will encourage you. Can I have tickets for your first Premiership appearance. If you don't make it do you fancy being a physio/gym teacher/gym personal trainer. Don't destroy their dreams but find related areas they could find a living and some self satisfaction as well.
Result in my case ..one professional footballer , many happy fulfilled adults who are in related careers or volunteer roles that my ake a difference both to themselves and others.
Good teaching/pastoral care is more than encouraging through their exams, though that is important as well. 😄

Tough one.

I have an incredibly bright son. He is a teachers dream at his state secondary school. However, he has free school meals and we live in a council house. A stereotypical disadvantaged background. Due to him being super bright (he is predicted fantastic GCSE results across the board) I really just don’t know how to advise him on what he should do. I’ve told him it’s important to be happy but he is looking for some helpful advice. I said the decision is ultimately yours of course and you will have options, but he’s also a working class lad who loves football and his working class mates etc.

I don’t wish to sell him a dream but I don’t want to destroy his dreams either? He is literally one of the brightest academically in his year group (and very highly motivated to boot).

Yanbu op. Parents should start encouraging their children to appreciate the simple things in life and not setting them up to fail. Parents should teach their children to handle problems by themselves, not sort it all out for them. There is a member of my family (golden child out of 5 siblings) who is suicidal and has been on and off for about 10 years because he can't handle not being "successful" (by which he means public figure) instead of appreciating every single blessed thing he has. Loving partner, 2 beautiful children, a flat in London, enough to live on, surrounded by people who love and adore him. So SAD!!

I think as your growing up you need someone who encouages and supports you. It might not be a parent but it could be a teacher, relative or a family friend. If you hear nothing but your thick, you no good in school or you never get X you believe this.
Some children are very academic and other kids then are far better at practical things.
If you struggle with something but you have a bit of help, support and told your getting better at it of course it helps you to improve rather been told it to hard for you, you never be able ect.

I knew several kids who would not have been regarded as that good in school to get into courses and do very well in them. The difference with these kids is that their parents did homework with them each evening. They encouraged them to work hard, do their best and got grinds in subjects they needed help with.
The parents were also aware of what their child was like as a person, their talents and abilities. As a result the parents read up on courses and encouraged their child to go towards what would suit them course or employment wise after they left school. For some parents they had to realise that their child would be far better going towards an apprenticeship ie plumber rather than a university degree.

You do that if you like.

I prefer to nurture ambition and confidence.

Nothing wrong with telling kids that they can be anything they want to be as long as they are prepared to work at it.
I used to work in a college and the number of students who had a dream but didn't want to work for it was unreal. When challenged about what they were doing to achieve their dream, they all thought the opportunity would land in their lap without any effort at all.
You don't get exam results by turning up and putting your name across the top of the paper - you have to answer the questions too and correctly!!

No capable is often a fact. And there are many reasons that kids can't be anything they want. Reality doesn't work like that

I agree to an extent, though I'm not sure it's down to capabilities in all circumstances. For instance, my son wants to join the Army or Marines. All he wants to do is be a soldier. He's young at the moment, in cadets, and he's very capable, winning 2 awards last year including best cadet of the year in Decemeber. However, he was diagnosed autistic when he was 6, and the military don't accept people with a diagnoses at the moment. It was a huge error on my part, going through that process, and something I regret terribly. I'm now torn about encouraging him in the pastime that he adores, knowing he can't go any further.

Aww, I think that's OK at 6. You should have encouraged him, he could have bought you a mansion one day!

Nope. Kids can be anything they want and it should be encouraged to try new things.

By the time they get to choosing GCSEs they need a dose of reality though. Seen too many people waste their potential and making dumb choices.

I guess you haven't heard of a growth mindset. Sad.

“We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.”

But some of us will.

I think I know what you mean. On average, pretty much no one is going to be an astronaut or ballerina. Even if they work really mega hard.

“I want to be Paula Radcliffe” doesn’t really fit the you can be anything you want to though.

if you wanted to be a runner, nothing stopping you. You may not get to Paula’s olympic heights, but you will get a lot out of it. Fitness, discipline, a medal or two, beating PB’s.

i don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying they can be anything they want.

they probably can, albeit not all attaining the highest levels.

I say it to mine, but I also make it clear the achievement and success is in the journey.

one of mine wants to be an athlete. But even if she gave up today, she’s had years of travelling the world for competition, learned the value of work vs results, learned she is good at something….

I agree. My ds did a school assembly about "you can be anything you want to be."

I pointed out to his form teacher (who saw the funny side) that he now had an ambition to "dis-invent school" and was convinced he would release all children from the tyranny of school when he grew up.
I think the next year did one on "our great ambitions" and talked about working hard and aiming high, which I think was definitely better.

When I was year 6 and we did an assembly on what we hoped to achieve in life one of the girl's ambitions was to have 6 grandchildren, 3 girls and 3 boys. I remember being faintly puzzled as all the parents fell about laughing. 🤣 So I'm not sure times have really changed much on ideas children have.

I agree, OP!

Also, telling kids that they should “find a career which makes them happy” or “wait for the perfect job to come along”.

Most adults work to pay bills, very few make a living from something they love (and I bet if they do, they still get bored of doing it sometimes!).

Yes, find something that suits your skills, but it is work, which often sucks!

i don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying they can be anything they want.
they probably can, albeit not all attaining the highest levels.

But for some of them "anything they want" is the highest level. I've seen the upset in a child who wanted to be a top level football player when he realised he wasn't going to make it. Saying "you can still play football, I'm sure <low division> football team would love to have you" was absolutely no comfort at all. In fact I think he saw it as totally patronising.

I think (but check) that has changed now for the Army. They review each case as an individual. Ask the cadet leaders to find out.

That's actually really cruel. She's five years old, ffs!

Agree. See also: you won't always be lucky enough to have a job you enjoy.

It’s such a cliche I can’t imagine many children taking it literally. “Work out what you realistically want to be then work hard to achieve it” would be truer but doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily.