Taking a Switch out of a child’s life without it feeling like a punishment?

[Howtodothiswell]

I am really stuck with this one. Older DS (8) got a Nintendo Switch for his birthday in the summer. I wasn’t mega keen, but all his friends have one so we did it. But younger DS (5) also got into the habit of playing. They play 1 hour each on a Saturday and a Sunday and that’s it. Never any extra time.

Younger DS is neurodivergent (we suspect) and he absolutely cannot handle the idea of the Switch being in the world without him playing with it. He talks about it nonstop. He dreams about it at night. He begs and begs for extra time. He steals it and plays when he’s not supposed to when we haven’t hidden it well.

It is making him utterly miserable! I think it’s pretty bad for his mental health. Apparently it’s all he talks about at school.

How do I remove it from his life without it seeming like a punishment?

He’s almost 6 and is just not ready.

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.” (I hate the words “good” and “naughty”). I think doing this will just make him hate himself so I’m not doing this!!!

Hours spent on devices are hours that could be used doing something creative, or reading
Hours spend on devices can themselves be hours of creativity and/or reading

If its the creative part of the activity they enjoy, and not the screen, or the reading itself, they will be just as happy doing either with no screen.

I do think some games have value. I'm a big minecraft fan, for example. But there is no doubt, for many people (me included) screens are simply addictive and that rapidly becomes detrimental.

I have three DC who are gaming fans and the eldest has ASD / ADHD.

I think you need to rethink your strategy OP and try to relax a bit. As you have seen on this thread, it is very common for parents of ND children to have more relaxed screen time rules. Your 'one hour per day at the weekend only' rule is very rigid and will almost certainly be fuelling your youngest's preoccupation with it - he probably barely gets into a game before you're snatching it away again, and then he doesn't get to go near it for five days which will seem like an eternity to a child that young.

Try allowing more regular sessions - maybe an hour in the morning and a further hour in the afternoon on the weekend days, for example, and perhaps half an hour at a time on weeknights after school. See if it helps to allow it a bit more 'little and often'.

I do think it is sensible to limit sessions to an hour max at a time - I have noticed with my DDC that if they are on for much longer than that, their behaviour can deteriorate. But I think that if limits on gaming time are as stringent as yours are, that can be counter productive too.

The other thing I would say (as a parent of 3 with quite large age gaps) is that it's almost impossible to impose strict rules for a second or subsequent child in the way that you can for a first or only child. Simply because younger siblings see what older ones are allowed and everything seems to start younger.

It's a bit like the way I banned chocolate completely for my eldest DS - he didn't get offered anything more exciting than a rice cake until he was about 2. Hurrah, he was my first child, I was in control! (I was also a bit pathetic, looking back). But my younger two, who are 5 and 8 years younger than DS1, could both identify a purple cadburys wrapper by the age of 14 months

Good luck OP, you will never get a perfect answer on the screen time front but it's definitely worth playing around with screen time sessions to see if you can find a compromise.

Your 'one hour per day at the weekend only' rule is very rigid and will almost certainly be fuelling your youngest's preoccupation with it - he probably barely gets into a game before you're snatching it away again

But he's barely 6. How into a computer game can a 6 year old get?! I've watched kids this age play switch games. They are mostly quite crap at them and just repetitively attempt the same easy levels.

My sister has an autistic foster son. The only thing that gives him comfort in any meaningful way is his switch. He is lovely and happily takes part in family life and activities as appropriate. But he has to have his switch. I really don't see the harm tbh. He's 12 but has had this device since he was 7-8.

All this tech phobia drives me insane. Get with it. Its 2023. Ffs. Denying kids tech isn't doing them any good. I wonder how many hours a day the Op spends on her phone/laptop etc.

Because she knows her kid. You don’t. Screens can be an addiction like any other. Some, a lot, of kids can’t self moderate. One of mine can’t, so I do it for him. I don’t need other people to be ok with that decision, because I’m ok with it.

Maybe she’s wrong about him, maybe not. But there’s more of chance she knows better than you.

What eased the message a bit when we had to cut out YouTube time was to explain that we had made a parenting mistake (watching made him cross and sad) and we were fixing our own mistake. He still didn't like it, but it made it clear that it wasn't a punishment, and put the blame on ourselves which made it easier to swallow.

Sure the fact that their behaviour is directly and negatively impacted is a factor too? I am not at all precious about screen time, but - as I aid - when DS watches YouTube it really impacts him. We've found that he cannot handle any (loads, very limited amounts - impact is the same) because it makes him badly behaved and obsessional. So no Youtube for him. He does have other screen time.

I agree with you big time. Some posters seem to think because their child can spend hours in front of a screen and not have any negative outcome from that then all children can.
Each child is an individual and some are very negatively affected by too much screen time. You don’t want to make screen time the forbidden fruit either and if you want to teach them to regulate the amount of screen time they have then you have to allow some screen time. It’s a balance and I found with my DC that I tried different amounts of screen time and also watched out for which things had a more negative affect and which things he could handle.
In our case too much YouTube has a very, very negative effect of his mood, behaviour and social and communication skills. YouTube is not banned but he has to take breaks from it. Video games or watching Disney+ on his phone don’t affect him to same extent as long as he has a gap between the screen and sleep time. My DC is older so when I point out I can see he has had too much YouTube he can then acknowledge this himself as we have worked on this.

This is really interesting. I have been wondering about the effect of You tube on DS(5) too, but couldn't see how You Tube could be worse than other things. What is it about it, do you know? Is it the short videos impacting concentration levels or the actual content? DS watches a lot of football videos which I would have thought would be ok, but I am starting to wonder.

I am in the process of being diagnosed for adhd and one of my symptoms is hyperfocus. I get obsessed with things and if i can't do them, i get very very anxious, stressed, and think about them constantly. Gaming is one of the ways i like to unwind and relax, i find it very soothing. Id be frantic if i was hyperfocusing on something but i could only do it 2 hrs a week.

@Whatafool123 the dopamine hit thing is major with YouTube, I know that. The short videos like you say, the ads, the little squares below with similar videos so the child sees something else they like but might not have thought to look for. It's wild! My DS (neurodivergent) definitely is affected by YouTube, he's a channel flicker too and will do similar on Netflix - watch a bit of one episode, get bored, go find another. Drives me nuts!

He's only had the Switch for his birthday this month but he seems ok with that, albeit a bit whiney for it back in the holidays when we were more lax with it.

An hour a day at weekends no wonder with that level of control. So stingy!

The thing is though (to the posters who say I’m stingy) he’s five years old… a lot of examples people are giving about being calmed by computer games etc are of adults or older children. He’s a five year old. That’s my problem, really. Now knowing how I do gaming time appropriately for a child that young.

Thanks @freespirit333 , that's really helpful. I will try to encourage DS to focus on the Switch and TV more, and see if it helps.

Maybe try a defined time every day rather than just at weekends, so he doesnt have so long to wait and it might lessen the obsession? Say one hour before or after dinner, depending how much time he then has to wind down before bed? Even half an hour, if you think one is too much for him.

I'm sorry I can't comment on thr neurodivergence side of things, which probably means my input isn't as relevent as others, I'm mainly responding to posters who feel op is being conservative in her screen times. I have a four and an eight year old. For four years now we have limited TV to three days per week (usually 1 episode one of the days and 1-2 hours on the other two days) and one film night a week. The benefits of having days that are totally screen free means that they have more time to get into playing together and developing the game they are playing and much less whining asking for TV or being upset when it's turned off because they are so used to the boundaries. They recently (well the older one really as in ops scenario) recently got a switch for Christmas and agreed to having three switch days (two of which coincide with TV days- this means the older one picks between TV or playing on the switch for 1-2 hours).

Fortunately the four year is only able and wanting to play with the switch in two player games so we don't have the same obsession, although the older one does talk about it a lot now but does cope with the limits of 1-2 hours 3 times a week (sometimes less due to other activities and in the holidays limits are usually relaxed). I just wanted to share our experience of limiting screens, although I appreciate this limit is more than ops children are getting, I do think it's our responsibility as adults to set boundaries, particularly where things are having a detrimental affect on our children and that they don't have the brain development to manage. What are the games that are obsessed with? Can you get some real world toys to extend their play or as a pp suggested make something's to do with gaming out of craft stuff? My children once made games consoles out of Lego

you are doing well OP in limiting screen time. As you can see, they are highly addictive. Your 5 year old obviously can't cope with it, for whatever reason, so if cold turkey is what it takes, so be it, but if your older child can cope, it is unfair to deny him his 2 hours.

I don't think you're being stingy with your 5yo at all. I think you're being stingy with your 8yo whose gift it actually was. You really should never have allowed the 5yo to play with his siblings gift, especially equal time.

You can't remove it from your 5yos life without removing it from the 8yos which would be incredibly unfair on the 8yo because that was such a big gift and he's not the one with the issue. Your 5 yo is going to see the 8yo playing on it and he's not going to be happy, but as the parents you need to deal with the 5yo, not punish the 8yo.