Taking a Switch out of a child’s life without it feeling like a punishment?

[Howtodothiswell]

I am really stuck with this one. Older DS (8) got a Nintendo Switch for his birthday in the summer. I wasn’t mega keen, but all his friends have one so we did it. But younger DS (5) also got into the habit of playing. They play 1 hour each on a Saturday and a Sunday and that’s it. Never any extra time.

Younger DS is neurodivergent (we suspect) and he absolutely cannot handle the idea of the Switch being in the world without him playing with it. He talks about it nonstop. He dreams about it at night. He begs and begs for extra time. He steals it and plays when he’s not supposed to when we haven’t hidden it well.

It is making him utterly miserable! I think it’s pretty bad for his mental health. Apparently it’s all he talks about at school.

How do I remove it from his life without it seeming like a punishment?

He’s almost 6 and is just not ready.

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.” (I hate the words “good” and “naughty”). I think doing this will just make him hate himself so I’m not doing this!!!

Your parents attitude is terrible! 😳😳😳 They do realise if he has autism or adhd that behaviours that seem “naughty” may actually be as a result of sensory overload or other issues?! I hope they’re going to educate themselves.

Just to go against the grain here, I actually agree with you. My DS also has ASD and ADHD and is obsessed with gaming and his switch. At 5, we also only had screen time at the weekends for an hour or so each day and as he got a bit older, we added in a Wednesday after school for an hour. He's 11 now, and still only has an hour a day after school and 2 hours at the weekend (spread over an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening).

Those who are saying it is mean or OTT may not have ND children, because given the chance, my son would play it all day every day and it the more he plays it, the more difficult his behaviour becomes, so I am happy with our choice. We're also trying to teach him that there are other "fun" things out there that don't involve a screen!

It was hard for him at first, but we just stuck with the rule and he is ok with it now. He knows exactly when he's allowed to play it and that's what he does - he doesn't try and sneak it if he's not allowed though. My personal advice would be to stick to what you're doing, but maybe give him a specific time each day he's allowed it (say 9-10 at the weekend) so that he knows exactly when it's coming - maybe it's the not knowing if ad when that's stressing him out?

I think that limiting it so strictly means it has become "forbidden fruit" so they want it more.

DD had a tablet when she was 6/7 and we allowed 20 mins a day during the week and an hour at weekends. On weekdays she had 10 mins on an educational game to help with something like spelling or maths and then had 10 minutes for a fun game. It was great for when I was busy making dinner or tidying up, it would keep her occupied and because there was a set time (we used our Google home to set two 10 min timers) there was no tears when it had to go off and she knew she'd get it back the following day.

If she did her "chores" (making her bed, putting clothes in the laundry, putting plates in the dishwasher after meals etc) then she could earn extra minutes as part of her reward system.

I think Katherine fact that he gets it so little is creating the value.

That's what all kids talk about at school these days - computer games.

He's got an older brother, so has started on the console a tad (a year? ) earlier than most. Is it really that big of a deal? He'll be basically living / working on screens only for the rest of his life.
He'll be on some form of screen for 9h at work, extra time after work and at least few hours each weekend for.. Forever!

That wasn't my life, but it's the life now. Time to get to grips with that.
I'd definitely allow more screen time.

What awful thing would happen if he'd play an hour EACH (horror! ) day?

I just spent that on Mumsnet.

Another one who thinks you should allow them more screen time, not take it away!

I have an ND nephew which is exactly why I'm saying it's OTT. It's been made so forbidden that he's desperate for it. Surely a little more relaxed would help him realise he does get to play on it at times. I had a phase where I loved a game on the ipad, if someone said I only had 1 hour a week I'd have been pissed off.

The thing is if it has a negative impact on him increasing it won't help.

DS (5) can't handle YouTube. Watching it (YouTube kids) makes him crazy. It's like drugs to him and he often freaks out when it's taken away and will obsessively ask for it. It ALWAYS puts him in a bad mood. We tried reducing it, it was the same. Now he doesn't have any.

Why buy something so expensive only to limit it to 2 hours a week? You might as well of not bought it.

I have an ADHD 14yo, always been screen obsessed.

For the frustration I would handle this separately. We used to step in and stop the game (pause or just physically take it away) if he was getting worked up. We'd help him to calm down (not always easy!) and then explain: Games are supposed to be fun. If it's frustrating you that much, then it's not fun. Let's see if we can change some settings, or find a different game to play which is more fun. Mario Kart for example has a lot of settings to change to make it easy for little children.

Emotional regulation is the issue here rather than screen time, I think. It's related because screen time is very stimulating and that tends to overload them even more, but emotional regulation is delayed with ADHD and that tends to mean they feel things very intensely and are less able to soothe themselves and calm down. So stepping in to say hey, this isn't helping, let's do something calming AND manage the environmental stressor (the frustrating/difficult game). This models for him that when you're frustrated with a game you take a break and/or play something else.

I was really keen to avoid him throwing controllers or having violent screaming tantrums as (some) teenage boys think is perfectly normal/acceptable game behaviour. And so far it seems to have paid off - we never ever get this and he is pretty chilled out as a teen TBH.

I have ADHD. I used to obsess with new things to very, very unhealthy levels. When Gameboy hit our household I had to fight my twin brother for it. We really, physically fought over it. And.... So what?

We're adults now. I still have ADHD and get obsessive interests that give me "breakdowns" if I can't act on them.
My twin carried on gaming through childhood/teens, became really good and super-speedy with computers and now is an engineering director who is on tech all day long.

If it's ADHD, computer-game obsessions will be least of your troubles, trust me! One of mine was hitch-hiking starting at 12. Read a book (maybe those should be regulated too?! ), liked the sound of adventures, started hitchhiking...

2 hours is just daft. As someone just said - why did you buy such an expensive thing that is barely allowed to be used.
What games have you got? You can get the sports ones that you have to use the controllers and move around a lot so it's very physical and involves a lot of focus.
I wouldn't get any exercise if I didn't play Wii Sports on our old Nintendo Wii.
Let them play it more.

@BertieBotts That's a very helpful post. I have a son myself now and he knows he gets plenty of screen time as long as it's kept fun and the playing stops when necessary with no fuss.

He's really, really good quitting gaming on the first mention, as a result.

For many neurodiverse children technology can actually be a massive tool in helping them regulate and cope with sensory overload. When Ds was younger I was dead against technology but I have realised it is a massive help for him

Distract him as much as possible with other things to do? Find something else he loves?

My Ds likely has ADHD - he’s had a preliminary assessment and awaiting a full one but SENCO giving him the support as though he has had diagnosis, so I’m not just making this up. He can be a bit screen obsessed, he’s 8. The one thing that works is finding other things he wants to do - like playing the guitar, listening to music, playing Lego. He loves swimming so we joke he can’t be allowed to fully dry out.

I think they just need to want to do something else - or maybe that’s just my son!

I agree with this though. He needs a bit of screen time to wind down of an evening, definitely.

@Howtodothiswell the person I feel sorry for here is your older child. I assume this was his main gift and you restrict it to 2 hours a week, and you let his younger brother use it the same when he probably got other presents for his birthday worth the same as the switch too! They're around £300! Over a year thats £6 a week for 2 hours play. And now you want to take it away because you let your 5yo play with it and he got obsessed?

In my opinion, you need to relax the rules with your 8yo. Its his gift and those are insanely strict rules. And you need to tell his brother that it was his brothers present not his, which you should have done to begin with. You don't punish your 8 yo because you can't deal with your 5 yo tantrums.

Can't believe you'd by a £300 piece of kit that your child loves, has tons of family friendly, child friendly, non exploitative games on it, and only let them have it 2 hours out of the 168 hours in a week.

Give him 30 - 45 mins a day on a week day and 2 x separate one hour sessions on the weekend.

There is so much research to evidence how happy (the right kind of) games make humans and how they are beneficial in lots of ways. It is in no way comparable to watching television. Play games with him for bonding, fun and relaxation.

Literally no reason to make everyone's lives miserable for the sake of it.

Yep, I have to agree with this.

I feel really sorry for your 8yo here. He got a gift he can only play twice a week and he has to share it with his brother equally.

Yeesh DS got his switch at 5 and a half. He basically ignored it for 3 months then was obsessed with it and played for about half an hour every other day and for a couple of hours spread out across the day on the weekend. Then when he turned 6 he got a bit bored of it until he got some new games. Now it's mainly a Sunday afternoon thing or when he has friends round.

Because he has such easy access to it, he's very compliant when I say times up or no switch today.

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.”

I'm not so keen on your parents' advice 😁

But would a variant of it work for your son? Let him 'earn' 10 mins on it by doing a chore or behaving well? Still have a maximum (30 mins per day?). Star chart to show earnings? Earnings can also be removed for misbehaviour.

We've also banned You Tube for this reason with our (also possibly ND) 6 year old DD. There were certain channels on it that she became absolutely obsessed with. She now doesn't even mention them.

It could be lost. That would be sad but sometimes things do get lost.

Sorry that should be 2 x separate one hour sessions on the weekend per day. or even free play on a Saturday morning or something, why not really.

My kids love gaming. They also do swimming, football, walks, softplay, crafts, toys, puzzles, books. Screen time doesn't have to be some kind of big negative.