Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking a Switch out of a child’s life without it feeling like a punishment?

145 replies

Howtodothiswell · 10/01/2023 16:07

I am really stuck with this one. Older DS (8) got a Nintendo Switch for his birthday in the summer. I wasn’t mega keen, but all his friends have one so we did it. But younger DS (5) also got into the habit of playing. They play 1 hour each on a Saturday and a Sunday and that’s it. Never any extra time.

Younger DS is neurodivergent (we suspect) and he absolutely cannot handle the idea of the Switch being in the world without him playing with it. He talks about it nonstop. He dreams about it at night. He begs and begs for extra time. He steals it and plays when he’s not supposed to when we haven’t hidden it well.

It is making him utterly miserable! I think it’s pretty bad for his mental health. Apparently it’s all he talks about at school.

How do I remove it from his life without it seeming like a punishment?

He’s almost 6 and is just not ready.

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.” (I hate the words “good” and “naughty”). I think doing this will just make him hate himself so I’m not doing this!!!

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 10/01/2023 17:26

My DS is autistic and has ADHD and has his switch from the moment he wakes up until bedtime unless we're out or he's at school. The parent's meetup of our local autism association is in a gaming warehouse and literally all the kids have swtiches with them. I don't know a single autism parent who doesn't allow unfettered access. So with that in mind I think 1 hour is exceptionally harsh. No wonder he is struggling with it.

Marigold41 · 10/01/2023 17:27

HowcanIhelp123 · 10/01/2023 17:17

@Howtodothiswell the person I feel sorry for here is your older child. I assume this was his main gift and you restrict it to 2 hours a week, and you let his younger brother use it the same when he probably got other presents for his birthday worth the same as the switch too! They're around £300! Over a year thats £6 a week for 2 hours play. And now you want to take it away because you let your 5yo play with it and he got obsessed?

In my opinion, you need to relax the rules with your 8yo. Its his gift and those are insanely strict rules. And you need to tell his brother that it was his brothers present not his, which you should have done to begin with. You don't punish your 8 yo because you can't deal with your 5 yo tantrums.

Also this.

MistyRock · 10/01/2023 17:28

Fluffygreenslippers · 10/01/2023 16:47

Two hours a week is tight as fuck. I played sega from the age of four as much as i wanted. I got bored playing quite regularly and then would go do other things. I game as an adult but not obsessively, I have plenty of other hobbies.

This. Just chill out a bit.

Needmorelego · 10/01/2023 17:28

@Swimswam you'd 'lose' a £300 gadget (or infact about £500 if you add the price of games) 🙄

CandlelightGlow · 10/01/2023 17:28

Marigold41 · 10/01/2023 17:26

We've also banned You Tube for this reason with our (also possibly ND) 6 year old DD. There were certain channels on it that she became absolutely obsessed with. She now doesn't even mention them.

Show quote history

That's fair I would say as Youtube videos aimed at kids are just weird and addictive and have no positives, there are plenty of games like that too.

But there are lots of games that do not have that effect because they're not designed to be addictive and gain as much views/money as possible. Nintendo have great games that are family friendly and many are multiplayer so everyone can join in.

W0tnow · 10/01/2023 17:29

Stick to your guns. 2 hours a week is perfectly ok.

Inastatus · 10/01/2023 17:31

HowcanIhelp123 · 10/01/2023 17:17

@Howtodothiswell the person I feel sorry for here is your older child. I assume this was his main gift and you restrict it to 2 hours a week, and you let his younger brother use it the same when he probably got other presents for his birthday worth the same as the switch too! They're around £300! Over a year thats £6 a week for 2 hours play. And now you want to take it away because you let your 5yo play with it and he got obsessed?

In my opinion, you need to relax the rules with your 8yo. Its his gift and those are insanely strict rules. And you need to tell his brother that it was his brothers present not his, which you should have done to begin with. You don't punish your 8 yo because you can't deal with your 5 yo tantrums.

Absolutely agree with this.

CandlelightGlow · 10/01/2023 17:31

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.” (I hate the words “good” and “naughty”). I think doing this will just make him hate himself so I’m not doing this!!!

Also this is so horrible, cruel and weird!

Rowthe · 10/01/2023 17:31

Clouddrifting · 10/01/2023 16:26

Electronic items ‘break’ from time to time. Or require an update that takes them out of action for as long as they take to either forget about it or be less obsessive.

As the parent I think you need to make your child’s life a bit easier but getting rid of the switch and therefore a small lie is justified and means the switch can reappear in the future if you want it to.

This.

Take the fuse out or loosen one of the wires in the plug.

And it's broken.

And say it'll take a while before it can be 'fixed'

CandlelightGlow · 10/01/2023 17:32

I have missed the fact actually that it is the younger child who did not receive the switch who is obsessed.

I'd say relax the rules for both of them still and have them play games together.

ArtixLynx · 10/01/2023 17:33

just another parent of ND kids saying access is unfettered.

i DO use it as a punishment alongside the 1,2,3 magic method, if they don't do what they're told/when they're told, it gets removed for a set amount of time.

Outside of that, i have set expectations, about it not being allowed in the bedroom after bedtime, not allowed to go in the bathroom with them, not allowed at the dinner table if we're all eating together.

I used to obsessively read when i was younger (also ND), to me, this is no different.

I think limiting him to 1 hour a day for 2 days is horrible.

corcaithecat · 10/01/2023 17:33

Two hours seems very restrictive. What’s your reasoning?

I’ve never set screen time limits for my DS and he had his first iPad at 4yrs when we moved house. The iPad apps helped him learn to read.

He’s definitely ND, 13yrs old and still plays games on his various devices but also spends a lot of time learning to code games and composing music using a Piano keyboard and Garage band app. (He doesn’t have music lessons other than his standard schools class music once a week).

He also has dyspraxia so normal team Sports games aren’t fun for him at all. He’s very quiet and self motivated and uses his technology for learning all the time. During lockdown he started learning 3 different languages using Apps.

However, I don’t understand why you’re setting the same limits for your children when there’s 3 years difference in age between them? That’s not actually fair at all, on your eldest child.

QueenCamilla · 10/01/2023 17:33

Stick to your guns. Because otherwise... What? What will happen as a result of gaming?
What is the purpose of the parental "guns"?

NoBoatsOnSunday · 10/01/2023 17:35

CandlelightGlow · 10/01/2023 17:28

That's fair I would say as Youtube videos aimed at kids are just weird and addictive and have no positives, there are plenty of games like that too.

But there are lots of games that do not have that effect because they're not designed to be addictive and gain as much views/money as possible. Nintendo have great games that are family friendly and many are multiplayer so everyone can join in.

Show quote history

This is the nub of it. Some games likely do have a net negative effect, but others range from harmless to positive.

The OP finding a couple of family-friendly games that everyone can play together is likely to be far more positive for everyone than banning something her children enjoy.

Coffeesnob11 · 10/01/2023 17:36

For all those suggesting it gets broken how is that fair on the child who actually uses it responsibly and whose gift it was?
Its much harder now you have let his brother use it. You could have said no access until you are 8 from the start. Or a once a month treat as it isn't yours.
It would be different if it was a joint present but it doesnt sound like it is.
Does he do any clubs that his brother doesn't? Could your 8 year old play it whilst the younger one is at a hobby? Do they go to bed at the same time? Could the older one have some time once he has gone to bed?

ArtixLynx · 10/01/2023 17:36

i will add, i am also a gamer, and i have adult friends who make a LOT of money streaming on twitch playing games with/for people, and who play professionally at competition level.

I also have friends who work in the gaming industry as programmers, artists, designers. Both my kids want to go in that direction.. gaming as part of the Entertainment industry is one of the biggest bringers of income to the UK now.

People need to get their head out of their assess about it being a waste of kids time.

WinterFoxes · 10/01/2023 17:36

I have to agree that he could actually have more time on it. Why not suggest he earns some Switch time. Explain the importance of physical health through fresh air and exercise. If he runs around outside for an hour each day or participates in a sport, that earns him 30 mins on the Switch. If he eats 5 a day (hard for neurodivergent children sometimes) that's an extra 10 mins each time he manages this, added to his weekend Switch time.

Can you encourage use of a healthier gadget that might hook him? DS2 hated walking until I got a pedometer. He borrowed it and obsessively walked 10k steps that first day and has done 10-30k every day ever since. That was 10 years ago!

WinterFoxes · 10/01/2023 17:37

As the mother of a ND boy, I would say, pick your battles. Life can be very hard for them, and the need to decompress after masking all day at school can be enormous. Screen time helps with this.

NameChangeGin · 10/01/2023 17:38

My children are 11 and 9 and have been using tablets, then pcs, and switches since a young age. They play the pc every day. 9 year olds been playing a few years.

They also both do competitive sports, oldest every day. They also do arts and crafty stuff on weekends, lots of walking and of course school and homework in the week. I don't think 2 hours a week is much! Maybe let him have 45 minutes a day after school and 1.5 hours each weekend day.

Mine know that when they start to have periods of sulking or anger when they are asked to come off, we have a break for a few days until they can demonstrate they can play nicely again without the sulking or irritability. It works well. I don't think screens are so bad! Mine like to play games where they build things, create things. It's all about balance!

Sirzy · 10/01/2023 17:39

NoBoatsOnSunday · 10/01/2023 17:35

This is the nub of it. Some games likely do have a net negative effect, but others range from harmless to positive.

The OP finding a couple of family-friendly games that everyone can play together is likely to be far more positive for everyone than banning something her children enjoy.

Show quote history

Exactly. DN is autistic and loves playing monopoly but he struggles with the practicalities of the “real” game but gets loads out of playing it on the switch with various family members.

not all technology is made equal and plenty of it can be very beneficial, or even just good fun, without it being a problem.

Fladdermus · 10/01/2023 17:40

ArtixLynx · 10/01/2023 17:33

just another parent of ND kids saying access is unfettered.

i DO use it as a punishment alongside the 1,2,3 magic method, if they don't do what they're told/when they're told, it gets removed for a set amount of time.

Outside of that, i have set expectations, about it not being allowed in the bedroom after bedtime, not allowed to go in the bathroom with them, not allowed at the dinner table if we're all eating together.

I used to obsessively read when i was younger (also ND), to me, this is no different.

I think limiting him to 1 hour a day for 2 days is horrible.

We have very similar rules. Although I've never had to get to 3 and remove it as the thought is so horrific too him that he normally complies by 2.

ArtixLynx · 10/01/2023 17:41

Fladdermus · 10/01/2023 17:40

We have very similar rules. Although I've never had to get to 3 and remove it as the thought is so horrific too him that he normally complies by 2.

Show quote history

I think i made it to 3 once, and carried out the punishment.. now i rarely get beyond 2 with a threat of my making it to 3 as a reminder.

Even works with getting my 13yo DD in the shower!

QueenCamilla · 10/01/2023 17:42

The children (boys and girls) in my son's class are now trying to set up a closed online gaming group so they can play a game with each other after school.
They are all 9yo.

My son would be very upset about being left out...

AND they all have a school-assigned maths and reading game online to do.

I don't like gaming for myself but I've had to unclench a long time ago.

Unhappyandunsure · 10/01/2023 17:43

Howtodothiswell · 10/01/2023 16:07

I am really stuck with this one. Older DS (8) got a Nintendo Switch for his birthday in the summer. I wasn’t mega keen, but all his friends have one so we did it. But younger DS (5) also got into the habit of playing. They play 1 hour each on a Saturday and a Sunday and that’s it. Never any extra time.

Younger DS is neurodivergent (we suspect) and he absolutely cannot handle the idea of the Switch being in the world without him playing with it. He talks about it nonstop. He dreams about it at night. He begs and begs for extra time. He steals it and plays when he’s not supposed to when we haven’t hidden it well.

It is making him utterly miserable! I think it’s pretty bad for his mental health. Apparently it’s all he talks about at school.

How do I remove it from his life without it seeming like a punishment?

He’s almost 6 and is just not ready.

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.” (I hate the words “good” and “naughty”). I think doing this will just make him hate himself so I’m not doing this!!!

I don't like your parents' idea! Glad that's not the way you plan to do this.

We had a similar issue with DC and tablet, DC also suspected ND and tablet would lead to huge tantrums, all kinds of other stuff including lots of toilet accidents due to fixation on the tablet. So I get what you are saying and no you are not being too strict.

Ours was sort of distraction - we went away and couldnt find it when we got back. DC actually forgot and focussed on other stuff pretty quickly once the instant habit was broken. I don't know if it could be the same for yours?

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 10/01/2023 17:44

Rowthe · 10/01/2023 17:31

This.

Take the fuse out or loosen one of the wires in the plug.

And it's broken.

And say it'll take a while before it can be 'fixed'

Show quote history

Why on earth would you even recommend this when it's the 8yo's birthday present and they're not the one throwing tantrums when it's removed?