Taking a Switch out of a child’s life without it feeling like a punishment?

[Howtodothiswell]

I am really stuck with this one. Older DS (8) got a Nintendo Switch for his birthday in the summer. I wasn’t mega keen, but all his friends have one so we did it. But younger DS (5) also got into the habit of playing. They play 1 hour each on a Saturday and a Sunday and that’s it. Never any extra time.

Younger DS is neurodivergent (we suspect) and he absolutely cannot handle the idea of the Switch being in the world without him playing with it. He talks about it nonstop. He dreams about it at night. He begs and begs for extra time. He steals it and plays when he’s not supposed to when we haven’t hidden it well.

It is making him utterly miserable! I think it’s pretty bad for his mental health. Apparently it’s all he talks about at school.

How do I remove it from his life without it seeming like a punishment?

He’s almost 6 and is just not ready.

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.” (I hate the words “good” and “naughty”). I think doing this will just make him hate himself so I’m not doing this!!!

Yeah op ... 2 hours isn't enough. Buying him one then not letting him play it, no wonder he's obsessed !

Your parents advice made me chuckle. It's typically old school, harsh parenting, especially for a child who struggles to follow instruction more than the average child!

Personally I would lie. Say it's broken and it's in the shop. Then they couldn't fix it. Then you can't buy another right now as it's expensive so there won't be any more switch. It'll be sad but it won't be life defining.

The only issue is by taking it away from your youngest, your eldest misses out. Do you think he'll be ok with it? It's not an easy situation but don't feel bad, you trialled it, it didn't work, now you are doing what you feel is best for him

That’s really mean.

As a TA with ND children, I would advise either going cold turkey with no Switch (although you may still have MONTHS of incessant discussion about it) or leaning in and letting him burn out the obsession. The problem with the unlimited switch option is that his fixation may transfer to something even more random or niche within a specific game. Lots of ND children I work with seem obsessed with Sonic, Minecraft and others with nonhuman characters, although we have had obsessions with the island of Jersey, Father Christmas, bees, soldiers, and the life and death of Jesus. They only really swap obsessions when they run out of steam and can't fuel their imagination or play with it anymore. Maybe buy him some switch magazines or a switch cardboard box or help him make a paper switch. Those might help him focus the interest away from the games and device.

As an autistic person who became obsessed with tech when i was 11…. To the detriment of my gcse’s initially….

My tech skills got me into meet the Queen, travel the world, become a millionaire, be highly respected in my field, retire early……

Be carefull what you deny your kid… If my parents had taken my IT away, i’d probably be stacking shelves.

Agree with this! Would it not maybe be better just to fully stop him playing on it and remind him it's his brother's?

I actually feel really sorry for the older lad, he was given a birthday present of a switch which I’m guessing is a big thing at the age of 10, my house is no a gaming house but we still have a wii with Mario cart on other game and they can take longer than 1 hour at a time plus he has to share that time and birthday present with his younger brother I’m guessing he doesn’t get anytime to play with his birthday present on his own, Im all for sharing but when the item is so limited maybe it should just be his and his only

"No more switch".
Really?
What age would gaming be reintroduced and with what rules in place?
Would it be never? ADHD doesn't grow out, you know...

This was one of the problems flagged by the OP:

The other reason why I think it’s misery-making is that he spends a lot of the time he’s on it crying / sounding frustrated because he wants to play the games his brother plays, but is too young.

I don’t understand why, instead of finding games that would be suitable and positive for him to play, or be a fun bonding activity for the whole family, you’d resort to banning it.

Yes, there's only two Highly successful people from my school : one stood at nearly 7ft tall and emigrated to play basketball for NBA.

The other, my ND classmate, went from obsession with chemistry at 7yo, to gaming, to programming and on to silicon Valley. Shocked us all by being the first to buy a car, buy a huge house, have children... All before 22. I'm still shocked, tbf 😁

Let him play it until hes bored. Only give one game.
Withholding sounds like its causing more upset and distress than actually playing it??
Could you then do like a book report type activity after? Where he writes a story or poem about one of the characters etc?

I feel really sorry for the 9 year old. He should never have had to share in the first place - especially as he presumably he didn't have it at the age of 5, and now might lose it completely for no fault of his own.

Loads of parents here with no idea how different it can be with neurodivergent kids and screens. Loads of others who seem pretty keen on lying (bad idea generally, terrible idea if he might be autistic and then find out), or of depriving an 8 year old of what was meant to be his.

I'd have the Switch go away (personally would leave at that, but if you want to / have to lie then that's a personal call) and then if the 8 year old goes to bed later or has some time where he can be alone a bit, that's his Switch time. The younger one will forget it, it's a persistence game, redirection can be hard with an obsession but time helps, and one on one time.

Love that.

Has the older one done anything wrong or behaved in a way that he is not allowed his prized possessions for the very limited time allowed?

I trust you know what's right for your child. I suggest that you be clear, kind and authoritative. Something like this but short and clearer. 'We have noticed that you have been really upset and preoccupied since you started playing the switch. We thought it would be ok for you but we have realised that its actually harmful for you. Some people with a certain type of clever brain like yours just find stuff really addictive and they think they want it but it actually makes them unhappy. We are the parents and its our job to take care of you and make rules that keep you safe. You are going to be really upset about this, and we understand that, but we are taking the switch away and its not coming back. We are going to help you choose another toy or puzzle or a new hobby of your own - we'll let you know what is within price range. This is non negotiable.'
I don't know what you intend to do about the 8 year old though, that's your real problem.

I think 2 hours a week isn’t nearly enough & probably why it’s like forbidden fruit to him.

Could you let him have it more? He might get bored.

Why take such an extreme position from the outset though? What’s the harm in at least trying some age-appropriate games before resorting to banning?

Am I right in think there is just one Nintendo Switch and it belongs to your older son? This is a really tough because removing it means your older ds will suffer so I don't think this is the answer.

Your options are Get rid of it completely at the expense of older ds. Wrong choice in my opinion as older ds will come to resent his brother. Tell you get ds that it is older ds's toy and he is no longer allowed to us it. This may not go well because it will still be in the house so he will still obsess over it. Try as others have suggested to allow a bit of time each day but be very strict about it. Make a clear routine, at school we use visual timeliness to help students, for when it will happen and what happens before and after. We found my NT son couldn't turn it off himself and would get angry so set it up for the screen time to end automatically with a 5 min warning which he copes with much better.

We bought DS (5) one for Christmas because he is obsessed with football and an older friend had one with Fifa on, which he loved.

He played it fairly obsessively the week after Christmas and we didn't really restrict him - we were out doing things a fair bit anyway, so it wasn't all day long. He has definitely slowed down on it now, still plays it, but not for so long or so obsessively. Back to wanting to play football himself with a ball instead a lot of the time.

He sounds like your DS - possible adhd tendencies and frustration when he can't do things straight away.

To avoid having to take it away maybe try unrestricted access for a while and see if he gets bored?

If not, you have just delayed what you were planning for a while.

yeah, it's apparently really common. DS is totally NT but can't cope with it. DD was similar at his age. The only way to deal was removing it completely.

i mean.. my ND is AuDHD.. i bought myself a switch last year.. i played one game i bought with it OBSESSIVELY for about a month.. and then haven't touched it since because i got bored with the game, and don't have any others currently.

Sometimes, letting them have at it, and letting it burn itself out is the best way to deal with it.. but be aware, if it IS adhd, he'll just switch to another one and you'll be in the same boat with the next thing.

just as a note, the UK gaming industry is currently worth 4.7billion (just on bbc news) these are games MADE here in the uk.

I don't know any parents irl as restrictive with technology as mn parents!
I said this on another thread and I'll say it again, kids are at risk of being ostracised by their peers if they aren't allowed by parents to keep up with games/TV etc, it's what they talk about during the school day!
I'm not advocating unfettered access but 2 hours a week is miserly especially on a device you paid around £300 for in the first place (as a main birthday gift? I wouldn't have bothered!) I do think some parents on her need to unclench.

Gaming doesn’t just lead into jobs in the industry either - I went on to become a lawyer after having my interest sparked by a game.

Tell the younger one it’s broken and then let the older one play on it when he’s in bed.

If you choose to reintroduce it then have set rules for it before he gets it and I personally would let them play it every day for a set amount of time.

My DD has ASD and ADD and after we’ve got home from afterschool club she will go straight on her games whilst I make dinner.
She uses it to regulate herself and once she’s played it and had her dinner she’s in a much better place and then does her homework etc.

You may find that your DS needs to use it after dinner or at a time that is the least disruptive.

I get your reasons for wanting to remove it completely and there may be things that you do have to remove completely.
But I find that if it’s not this obsession it will be something else and so removing things can sometimes be ineffective.