Taking a Switch out of a child’s life without it feeling like a punishment?

[Howtodothiswell]

I am really stuck with this one. Older DS (8) got a Nintendo Switch for his birthday in the summer. I wasn’t mega keen, but all his friends have one so we did it. But younger DS (5) also got into the habit of playing. They play 1 hour each on a Saturday and a Sunday and that’s it. Never any extra time.

Younger DS is neurodivergent (we suspect) and he absolutely cannot handle the idea of the Switch being in the world without him playing with it. He talks about it nonstop. He dreams about it at night. He begs and begs for extra time. He steals it and plays when he’s not supposed to when we haven’t hidden it well.

It is making him utterly miserable! I think it’s pretty bad for his mental health. Apparently it’s all he talks about at school.

How do I remove it from his life without it seeming like a punishment?

He’s almost 6 and is just not ready.

My parents’ advice was “say he can only play it a day when he’s been good all day - something you know he can’t do - so then he’ll never get it again.” (I hate the words “good” and “naughty”). I think doing this will just make him hate himself so I’m not doing this!!!

Gosh this has been eye opening! DS7 got a Switch for his birthday last month, he and DS3 played most days in the holidays but now we’re back in school I have said weekends only, Friday-Sunday. I will say an hour each day although it’s usually more relaxed and depends what else we’ve done that day. I did notice in the holidays that DS7 (also ND, there’s so many of them about 💪) wasn’t occupying himself as much and kept whining for the switch when play time was up, but it was short lived.

I feel guilty and that I should let him play on it more! He’s been great at sharing with DS3 too who must be immensely frustrating to play Mario Kart with as he’s so useless.

OP, I have no idea what you should do, but if you do want to stop your 5 year old playing, what about removing the TV playing option so only your older DS can play on the handheld? And distract 5 year old with something he loves, movie or game
etc?

FWIW YouTube is the same in this house - banned!

My child plays a game that has allowed them to meet lots of people in real life and made a host of new friends. They all can interact with common interests so it doesn’t matter about age or being NT or whatever. They all play for the sheer love of this game.

Gaming isn’t evil!

I believe the saying is ‘the geek shall inherit the Earth’

Jesus Christ for this alone YABU

its decisions like this that usually make NT children resent their ND siblings

it was your oldest child’s present, how awful of you to decide to make it a joint gift.

This is exactly my worry! It’s what he did / does with tv. I have trialled more tv (and got covid then the flu and there was however much tv he wanted!) and it made him worse. He doesn’t walk away or get bored, he watches nonstop.

But since most posters are telling me I’m giving him too little I am going to have a really big think about this!

And you’re right about my older child - I do let him play more when he has play dates, which I arrange when his brother is on play dates out somewhere else.

My strictness is with the younger. It’s because I thought knowing his limits (which helps him in life in general) will stop him being tortured by the idea of maybe getting it if he asks a lot.

DS(8) (who is neurotypical) can handle whatever with screens. None, or a little, or loads - his mood changes slightly but not much. He has always been like this. His brother is manic when he watches!

The obsession with screen time is ridiculous 🙄

Two hours seems very restrictive. What’s your reasoning?

because when he has unrestricted access to screens, he’s an absolute nightmare to himself and everyone around him. His mood is all over the place. And he would play, I think, every single hour he has available to him. (Having said that - I am takin people’s comments on board! And might try a spread-out approach.)

His cousins have daily screen time and they’re absolutely fine. Ds(8) would be too. I am really struggling to find the balance of keeping it fair and doing my best for him.

His moods (when he’s on a screen come down) are also explosive and awful for the whole family, tbh. Hitting, scratching, biting. He’s only 5 - I wouldn’t have even gotten my neurotypical child a Switch at age 5.

Yup.

As long as children are engaging in a range of activities, I don’t see why you need to get the stopwatch out each time a screen gets turned on.

I really wish I’d started better - and said not until you’re 8.

But that’s great advice about doing other clubs without his brother and letting him play. It is his after all!

I'm with you OP, I have a similar issue. 2 boys, the older is ok with any limits I set, the younger is desperate to play as much as he can and will push boundaries.

They are allowed 2 hours on Saturday and Sunday, a bit more relaxed in the holidays. Hours spent on devices are hours that could be used doing something creative, or reading, or learning how to be at peace with no external entertainment.

Then they want to watch nonsense videos about gaming on YouTube which is a separate issue🙄

It definitely affects the younger's behaviour negatively. I don't ever frame it as a reward for good behaviour, but I have explained to them my reasons for not wanting them to be on it all the time.

Sometimes I fantasise about the internet going down....

It may be worth your looking into some of the transition help for ND kids that helps them learn how to move between activities.

Timers, verbal queues on expectations, countdowns..etc.

My ds can be evil when we need him to do something else, but the more time/work we put into transitioning him out of one activity into the next, the better and more smooth it is.

We have mario kart (and a few other games), but he wants to play Zelda (his brother’s favourite game).

But I like the idea of trying to turn it into a family activity and play Mario kart together!

I have the app on my phone for switch and set parental limits.
Could you use switch together like family race game or one of the games where have move about

Neither of my children would do anything else if I didn’t restrict their screen time. I don’t think people with NT children understand how obsessive and stimulating computers can be for some ND kids. If it was my son and the computer was broken it would be ‘when will it be fixed’ a million times daily so lying may not help.
I had to ban the iPad completely. DS was upset for a few days but got over it. You don’t have that option because the switch is his brothers. It’s a tricky situation, I really feel for you.

No, but he doesn’t seem to much care. He likes it but isn’t obsessed with it like his brother. I let him play on play dates etc when his brother isn’t there, and by all accounts that’s all he does at his best friend’s house. He doesn’t ask me for more access - he has other hobbies he’d rather do at home.

I am definitely feeling more sorry for him now after reading these replies though! I am going to be more mindful of it now.

Do you have the parental controls activated on it? There is an app you can put on the phone. Once they go over the time then that is it unless you give them more time.

Hours spent on devices are hours that could be used doing something creative, or reading
Hours spend on devices can themselves be hours of creativity and/or reading.

I don’t see why playing with legos is somehow more virtuous than playing Minecraft, for example. They’re basically the same thing except the latter is more complex.

Then there’s the visual novel category of games, which are basically books with an additional degree of interactivity (usually a few puzzles, or maybe a branching story).

I think some people have very narrow ideas of what ‘video games’ actually encompass.

I didn’t know about this until it was mentioned here and upthread - I will get that!

the rule in our house is that if a device/console belongs to one child, then they get to use it as/when they like.

If the other wants it, they need to wait until the other is finished.

If the owner then wants it back, then they have to ask politely, and the other child is expected to name a reasonable time on the clock to have finished with it by.

Yes i do referee if either get shitty about it, and i also, again, use the threat that if the one who it doesn't belong to doesn't give it back within a reasonable time, they won't be allowed it next time they ask to use it.

So for instance if DS tells DD he'll be done with the switch by 2pm, if he is Still on it at 2.05 and doesn't hand it over, he's not getting it next time he asks for it.

You want to use the other persons thing, you follow the rules and don't take the piss.

and no, i don't put up with the owner only giving the other person 10 mins before asking for it back.. if you let them use it, they get at least a couple of hours play time.

i promote sharing alongside respecting that something doesn't belong to you.

@Howtodothiswell

I've read most, but not all, of the thread & I've read your posts.

I think your points about regulation are interesting. I have 3 DC, eldest (DD) doesn't have any interest in gaming - loves her phone, TikTok etc. My 2 DS are utterly screen obsessed, fortunately also play loads of sport so are active. They were continually flouting the pretty generous limits, to the detriment of homework, chores & family life. My youngest (11) has become really aggressive, over-emotional & disregulated. In our case, it was the Xbox not Switch.

I tried very hard to come up with fair limits & not to be too restrictive.

However, last week, he was just impossible. Really badly behaved, jittery like an addict & lying about screen time. I completely removed all screens for a week, TV included. We are half wat through the week & the difference is incredible. He's calm, happy, behaving.

I think the reality is screens are not good for all children, and their ability to handle them will differ by age, personality and anything like ND.

I don't really have any solutions but I don't think you are wrong in the way some posters imply. I think it's a bit tough on DS1 & I do think your instincts to further limit Switch time for now might be correct.

However, perhaps spreading it out more across the week might work, and if you can, playing with him? So he's not waiting desperately all week to get time.

My DNephew is ND & his parents are utterly consistent about Switch limits. There's no extra for Christmas / weekends. It's the same amount of time regardless. They know that if they vary it, it's actually harder for him.

Good luck!

Agree re parental controls - they are brilliant on the Switch. As well as setting limits, via the app on your phone you can immediately end their access (or add more time), useful if you're out & they've taken it when they shouldn't.

The controls for xBox are much more annoying to set up & manage.

And actually at my DC age, I want to do less of directly controlling & more getting them able to manage their tome themselves.

I wonder if you could use some games as jumping-off points into other interests.

Play some Stardew Valley (a co-operative farming game) to see if you can get him interest in growing some real-life foods.

Play some Super Mario Maker (where you build mario levels) then send him away with a pen and paper to draw up some new plans for levels.

Play some Overcooked (co-operative, silly, cooking game) and get him hooked on doing the washing up 😂

I’m clearly out of touch! DS never got to play with devices until he was 6, and I would have thought 2 hours a week is plenty of screen time

I'm with you OP. We had to limit the screen time.massively with our DS with asd. At 5 he would have been a nightmare with obsessive so we didn't get any until he was 9. Then he could handle the restrictions and understand when he would get it and when not. We used to have complete screen breaks for a couple of weeks at a time (and still do when on holidays). Then no screens during the week apart from occasional TV. He and his siblings behaviour was so much better on the complete breaks. He would focus on something else (football cards, running, Pokémon cards, chess, drawing, Lego etc etc) and forget about the screen. But if the screen was there it was all he would think about and his behaviour afterwards was fucking awful

This thread is weird. My DS is the same age and i think 2 hours a week on a games console is loads. Mine is allowed 30 mins supervised on the computer game he likes, once a week. That is more than his friends get - most get none at all on ipads or switches etc. Most get about 30 mins tv once per day.

Too much screen time is fucking awful for their attention span at this age, its completely addictive and prevents them doing other things with their time that have far more value.