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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to politely decline a wedding invite from family

104 replies

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:20

I used to have a close relationship with my cousin growing up. both my cousin and me are only children so we saw each other as the closest thing to a sibling the other had. My aunt and family live in LA but my mum still made an effort to fly there twice a year.

He could not come to my wedding last year which I was fully understanding of as he had a wedding in Portugal earlier in September to attend (he was best man so I fully understand). His mother still came though there was some drama involved.

I recently got a wedding invite to his wedding. for context it was via email which is why I am torn. First of all my mum never got a invite. We are a close family and I know no matter how rocky the relationship my mum would not have forgiven me had I not invited my aunt. Luckily my DH already said that unless my mum's get a invite we will decline, which I fully agree with. My second reason is that the invite only says my name and guest. This feels so disrespectful as when we sent out our wedding invites we made an effort to enquire his now fiancée's name before they were even engaged. I want to give the benefit of the doubt that it was an automatic email from the wedding website but it spelled my name correctly so not sure why it would not say DH's name.

I would have a polite enough reason to decline as his wedding is actually the same as mine and DH's anniversary so for all they know we could already have plans.

Would I be over reacting if I declined once the separate paper rsvp arrive if DH's name is not on them? They are planning the wedding in Italy so there would be some travelling involved though a lot closer then Mexico which was the original plan.

OP posts:
motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:32

to explain why I am annoyed about the invite saying my name and guest it does feel like my marriage is not being acknowledged. especially as after talking with my other cousin who got a invite it seems her invite did say her husband’s name

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 09/01/2023 19:34

It was probably sent by bill email?

Thelondonone · 09/01/2023 19:35

I wouldn’t worry about the name, I got my bridesmaids name wrong on the seating plan. Go if you want to, don’t if you don’t.

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:37

@Dotcheck it seems they signed up to this wedding website when I clicked on the link so not sure if it was an automatic email and they did not realise that my mum did not get a) email invite and b) did not realise my invitation said and guest rather then DH's name

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motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:38

@Thelondonone this is not wrong name this is the name not even being there and just saying guest.

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Ragwort · 09/01/2023 19:38

What a drama (& I am sure there was a very similar thread last week) don't go if you don't want to go but to decline because of a spelling or name error is beyond petty.

SafeMove · 09/01/2023 19:41

So they have invited a plus one for you but you are annoyed they haven't used your DH's name? Is that right? I understand you are upset re your Mum but you are being over sensitive about the name issue.

Believ · 09/01/2023 19:42

You are being extremely precious about your DH name, and about it being by email. The only reason I'd be tempted to decline would be because they never invited your Mum, but then if it was with good reason then that's up to them.

FallopianTubeTrain · 09/01/2023 19:43

Thelondonone · 09/01/2023 19:35

I wouldn’t worry about the name, I got my bridesmaids name wrong on the seating plan. Go if you want to, don’t if you don’t.

I got my husband's name wrong on our save the date 😆

Decline if you want to OP but your reasons seem a bit barmy to me.

SafeMove · 09/01/2023 19:44

I have just written out my wedding invitations and haven't put people's partners on if there wasn't room on the envelope. I will say bring who you like face to face but if they make a drama out of it it would make me cringe a bit tbh.

Believ · 09/01/2023 19:45

It would be absolutely batshit to not go to a wedding because it said "& guest" 🤣🤣

Fantina · 09/01/2023 19:45

Maybe they want to limit numbers and want you to choose whether to take your mum
or your DH? You don’t specify whether there’s a particular reason that your mum wouldn’t have been invited in your OP.

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:45

my issue is it feels like they do not acknowledge my DH as my cousin has her DH's name and the names of her children on her invite.

OP posts:
anon666 · 09/01/2023 19:45

As pp have said, I wouldn't take it personally if the details are wrong. Weddings are a nightmare to organise

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 09/01/2023 19:47

Are you sure your mum hasn't had the email invite but it's gone to her spam folder, or she's deleted it without realising what it was, if it's an automated message from a website?
And why is it "lucky" that your DH has said you aren't going if your mum isn't invited?
If you don't want to go, or your DH doesn't want to go, then don't, but you don't need a flimsy excuse. Not wanting to go is reason enough. Just RSVP that you won't be there.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 09/01/2023 19:48

You are far too petty. Maybe an error in a spread sheet caused this small issue. Honestly 🙄🫣

are you definitely sure your DM is not invited? Has she checked her junk mail? Personally I wouldn’t miss my cousin’s wedding for any of the reasons you said. Spending your anniversary in Italy sounds fab.

Ragwort · 09/01/2023 19:48

Just decline... you sound exceptionally hard work.

pristinesurfacesGBTD · 09/01/2023 19:49

It's extremely rude of the bride and groom that they're not be bothered to put the husbands name on the invitation. Sloppy at best, bloody rude and insulting at worst. I wouldn't be bothered to go to the trouble of attending unless your mum gets invited and wants you to go with her.

SpongeBob2022 · 09/01/2023 19:50

I imagine he hasn't invited your Mum out of loyalty to his own. You are then potentially declining due to loyalty to yours. Neither is unreasonable and both are understandable.

I think you're massively overreacting about the 'and guest' thing. I don't get it.

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:51

@AllIwantforChristmas22 and @PomBearWithoutHerOFRS . yes my mum has checked her emails. she is very meticulous with it.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS i guess i said lucky as it is good we are on the same page that it was rude to not invite my mum etc.

**

OP posts:
amonsteronthehill · 09/01/2023 19:53

You're being petty and looking to be offended.

Just go if you want or don't go if you don't want and respond politely and accordingly.

Believ · 09/01/2023 19:55

All of their invites might have said "name & guest", meaning up to you who you bring....your DH, your friend, your Mum etc etc. Its nothing to be offended about.

MrAloysiusSnuffleupagus · 09/01/2023 19:55

it seems you are looking for reasons to be offended so you don’t have to go.

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:55

@pristinesurfacesGBTD that is pretty much how I feel. I just feel the curtesy and respect I give my family is not reciprocate.

@SpongeBob2022 you might be onto something there. Will wait and see if my mum gets a belated invite

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motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:56

@Believ I checked with my other cousin this is not the case.

OP posts: