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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to politely decline a wedding invite from family

104 replies

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:20

I used to have a close relationship with my cousin growing up. both my cousin and me are only children so we saw each other as the closest thing to a sibling the other had. My aunt and family live in LA but my mum still made an effort to fly there twice a year.

He could not come to my wedding last year which I was fully understanding of as he had a wedding in Portugal earlier in September to attend (he was best man so I fully understand). His mother still came though there was some drama involved.

I recently got a wedding invite to his wedding. for context it was via email which is why I am torn. First of all my mum never got a invite. We are a close family and I know no matter how rocky the relationship my mum would not have forgiven me had I not invited my aunt. Luckily my DH already said that unless my mum's get a invite we will decline, which I fully agree with. My second reason is that the invite only says my name and guest. This feels so disrespectful as when we sent out our wedding invites we made an effort to enquire his now fiancée's name before they were even engaged. I want to give the benefit of the doubt that it was an automatic email from the wedding website but it spelled my name correctly so not sure why it would not say DH's name.

I would have a polite enough reason to decline as his wedding is actually the same as mine and DH's anniversary so for all they know we could already have plans.

Would I be over reacting if I declined once the separate paper rsvp arrive if DH's name is not on them? They are planning the wedding in Italy so there would be some travelling involved though a lot closer then Mexico which was the original plan.

OP posts:
PennyRa · 09/01/2023 20:46

Mountains out of molehills 🤷

RancidChicken · 09/01/2023 20:48

I get it OP. My SIL sent an invitation to DH (her brother) to his name plus guest. It was a small wedding with only 30 guests so no excuse not to put my name. Rightly or wrongly I was offended.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 09/01/2023 20:54

How do you know a paper invite is coming? I don't think most people do both- unless the email is just a save the date? I'd ask your cousin is your dm invited.

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2023 20:57

So has your mum and her sister fell out and not speaking?

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 09/01/2023 21:05

Go with your Mum as your guest. Job done

Crimeismymiddlename · 09/01/2023 21:07

OP, I mean this kindly but you do seem to be looking to get offended. Wait to see if you mum is invited and then decide.
Was the drama at your wedding a bit bigger than you say? Did your mum fall out with your auntie?

Dartmoorcheffy · 09/01/2023 21:14

I wouldn't go if I were you. There is bound to be more going on that you get offended by if you do.

LlynTegid · 09/01/2023 21:16

Just politely decline, now don't wait.

SadButTheTruth · 09/01/2023 21:19

I came on to advise that my DH didn’t go to a family wedding based on a reported slight made to his mother (later found to be inflated/created by MIL) and is, 20 years later, no longer part of a close knit family group. I was going to say act with caution and don’t look to be offended, but I think you sound determined to be regardless of what is said.

ItsTrueLou · 09/01/2023 21:21

Maybe it was deliberate so you could accompany your mum

Growyourowncrumpets · 09/01/2023 21:23

Why has your mum not asked her sister directly if she has been invited.
There could just be an error/typo with the spelling of her email, or it’s gone to junk.

fortheloveofflowers · 09/01/2023 21:25

Why don't you just say 'Hi, just checking whether it is an oversight that my mum is not invited to your wedding, she did not receive an email invite and hoping it hasn't been an error. No worries if she's not but wanted to check'

No need for all this angst and pettiness.

Original poster
motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 21:29

@Crimeismymiddlename no my mum did not fall out with my aunt at the wedding but my aunt did make a deliberate point of paying attention to only the men at the wedding or the women she deemed pretty enough, she made a point to come to my table to give a speech unable go handle the fact that the attention was on my DM not on her, she did not thank my mum for the invite like any of the other guests have, she was not there to watch us cutting the cake or first dance though she knew the times as she seemed rather disappointed that not many guests paid her much attention or declared her the most glamours of the guests there, and that was just some of her behaviour that day.

there was a very minor falling out between our DMs over some flats but as the relationship is somewhat strained anyways my DM did make up and said as sisters she would prefer not to fight etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 21:30

@ItsTrueLou again then why single my side of the family out to feel like second class

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 09/01/2023 21:32

I can't think of anything nicer than a wedding in Italy so I will go in your place OP

Zanatdy · 09/01/2023 21:34

Understandable re your mum but the lack of DH’s name meaning you won’t go is silly

MajorCarolDanvers · 09/01/2023 21:37

If you don't want to go don't. But you are being a drama llama over the name.

oioimatey · 09/01/2023 21:39

What a load of drama!

euff · 09/01/2023 21:40

Going against the grain here but could they have issued an invite out of obligation but the lack of effort in yours compared to your cousins shows that they aren't that bothered about you. I would only put &guest if that person were single, newly dating etc not had a spouse or long standing partner where I would make an effort to put their name. Do you have much of a relationship/ talk/ catch up much?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/01/2023 21:44

Drama drama drama. Are you a Kardashian?

Just politely decline to the polite invitation.

Problem solved.

Original poster
motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 21:48

@euff we used go, used to even have cousins chat group between all 6 of use. After my oldest cousin had a child it fizzled out until I was the only one making an effort. After three years I decided to give the same energy back that I was getting so now it is very casual messages for Christmas, new year, lunar year and birthday with some. One of them did not even bother to send a thank you text after I shipped a handbag I made myself for her daughter. no acknowledgement of the bag until my DM send a picture.

OP posts:
Morielle · 09/01/2023 21:49

I would be irked that my husbands name wasn't used. I'd also be irked that my mum wasn't invited.
Going to Italy for a wedding will cost you time and money, you'll surely only consider going to it if you actually really WANT to go?

Ponderingwindow · 09/01/2023 21:49

The “and guest” could simply be a minor oversight in their wedding spreadsheet. It may not get corrected for the paper invites. I wouldn’t make your attendance decision based on that oversight. Yes, they should have tracked down the name, but mistakes happen.

not inviting your mother is something you might find worthy of declining the wedding over. There is no need to mention why you won’t be attending. Just send your regrets.

If you can wish them well and mean it, do so. If you can’t, then remain silent.

ExtraOnions · 09/01/2023 21:49

How do people find the energy to lead such petty lives ? How do you cope if something serious happens?

If you don’t want to go to the wedding, due to some nonsense at the other wedding, just say “no” and explain why .. own your decision instead of pretending it’s something to do with your +1

Chilesstanton · 09/01/2023 21:52

You need to get a grip