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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to politely decline a wedding invite from family

104 replies

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:20

I used to have a close relationship with my cousin growing up. both my cousin and me are only children so we saw each other as the closest thing to a sibling the other had. My aunt and family live in LA but my mum still made an effort to fly there twice a year.

He could not come to my wedding last year which I was fully understanding of as he had a wedding in Portugal earlier in September to attend (he was best man so I fully understand). His mother still came though there was some drama involved.

I recently got a wedding invite to his wedding. for context it was via email which is why I am torn. First of all my mum never got a invite. We are a close family and I know no matter how rocky the relationship my mum would not have forgiven me had I not invited my aunt. Luckily my DH already said that unless my mum's get a invite we will decline, which I fully agree with. My second reason is that the invite only says my name and guest. This feels so disrespectful as when we sent out our wedding invites we made an effort to enquire his now fiancée's name before they were even engaged. I want to give the benefit of the doubt that it was an automatic email from the wedding website but it spelled my name correctly so not sure why it would not say DH's name.

I would have a polite enough reason to decline as his wedding is actually the same as mine and DH's anniversary so for all they know we could already have plans.

Would I be over reacting if I declined once the separate paper rsvp arrive if DH's name is not on them? They are planning the wedding in Italy so there would be some travelling involved though a lot closer then Mexico which was the original plan.

OP posts:
Believ · 09/01/2023 19:58

Have they ever met your DH?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 09/01/2023 19:59

You're being really petty and silly about the lack of name on the invitation. It was probably nothing more than an oversight. Something along the lines of... argh... what's his name?! Can't remember.... just put 'guest'. It really really doesn't matter.

Go or don't go. No need to make up things to be offended about to give you an 'excuse' not to go.

Outandover · 09/01/2023 20:00

Do what you wish but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. Declining and having a strop could cause a family rift that may never heal. If you wish you could ask your cousin why your DH’s name hasn’t been put on the invite.

It could be a genuine oversight caused by the website - perhaps his name didn’t load properly and the website automatically generated “& guest”? I don’t know how these wedding sites work.

My DM was invited to her niece’s/my cousin’s wedding but her DH was not invited and neither was I. DM sent niece a stroppy decline letter and got an equally stroppy one back from niece - amongst it niece/cousin was offended that my DM had her fiancées name wrong on the letter. It all hit the fan and 20 years on the rift DM created affected her relationship with her DSis who stood by her DD.

In other words, pick your battles wisely. Weddings bring out the best and worst in people and sometimes genuine mistakes are made (and not).

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/01/2023 20:00

Ragwort · 09/01/2023 19:38

What a drama (& I am sure there was a very similar thread last week) don't go if you don't want to go but to decline because of a spelling or name error is beyond petty.

Came on to say the same thing, people are just looking for reasons to be offended. If you don’t want to go, don’t go, but who gives a fig about invitations.

Original poster
motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 20:00

@Believ They don't live in the UK and could not make it to our wedding. They met cousin's DH once. we are quite a spread out family.

OP posts:
Believ · 09/01/2023 20:02

Extremely easy not know or remember his name during the invitation process. I'd just decline as it sounds like you are looking for reasons to anyway.

Original poster
motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 20:04

@Outandover like I said I will wait and see for the paper rsvp to arrive before fully making up my mind. if situation remains the same I will ask my cousin why that is and if it is a case of I need to pick DH or my mum. I would most likely still decline and I am sure it would be understandable. I would keep my response as a polite sorry I am busy and leave it at that if we did decline.

OP posts:
tenbob · 09/01/2023 20:06

Believ · 09/01/2023 19:45

It would be absolutely batshit to not go to a wedding because it said "& guest" 🤣🤣

This. I’m filing this in my ‘most batshit things I’ve read on MN’

and that list includes the woman who stopped showering when she was pregnant because she was worried about the risk of legionaries disease…

TenoringBehind · 09/01/2023 20:07

It’s fine to decline if you don’t want to go, but not for the reasons you have given. You are massively overthinking this and taking offence where there almost certainly aren’t reasons to be offended.

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2023 20:08

If you don’t want to go then don’t but stop making up weird reasons why.
And as for your H saying you won’t be going if your Mum isn’t included how is it his decision?

LindorDoubleChoc · 09/01/2023 20:10

This is one of those OPs I just couldn't get through.

Believ · 09/01/2023 20:10

tenbob · 09/01/2023 20:06

This. I’m filing this in my ‘most batshit things I’ve read on MN’

and that list includes the woman who stopped showering when she was pregnant because she was worried about the risk of legionaries disease…

Show quote history

What about the woman who was furious at her work colleague because he put salt and pepper on his Christmas dinner at their work meal, she found it so damn rude and couldn't believe he would offend the chefs cooking in that way! (Sorry if anyone here feels the same about salt and pepper 🤣)

Natty13 · 09/01/2023 20:13

Maybe he didn't specify your husband so you could choose to take your mum instead?

Suziesz · 09/01/2023 20:13

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:32

to explain why I am annoyed about the invite saying my name and guest it does feel like my marriage is not being acknowledged. especially as after talking with my other cousin who got a invite it seems her invite did say her husband’s name

God I just couldn’t imagine getting worked up about something like this.

The reality is you don’t want to go, fine that’s your choice but your reasons are incredibly petty and for that YABU.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/01/2023 20:17

Yanbu to decline an invite, that's fine.

YABU to decline an invite based on someone else that's not invited or that your husband was referred to as a 'guest'...its someone being a bit lazy about looking up a spelling and needing to get an invite out quickly, not a reflection on what they think about your marriage. No way would I take that as an insult and base a decision about attending an event on it

Original poster
motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 20:19

@Natty13 so my cousin and the rest of the family get to all their family invited while I get to pick between my DM or my DH. this is after for my wedding I invited his DM plus her partner (by name), him and his his now fiancée (by name also) and paid for family's hotel and travel costs for the ones that did attend. even in this case I feel like second class family compared to the rest

OP posts:
HewasH2O · 09/01/2023 20:21

Why don't you ask your cousin if your mum is invited?

BelleMarionette · 09/01/2023 20:22

There is nothing wrong with email invites (better environmentally). The & guest could have just been an error with the website, you are really stretching to be offended.

Are you sure your mum isn't invited? It wouldn't be unreasonable to enquire discreetly given it may be another error or gone to spam.

Never unreasonable to decline an invite, but your reasons sound bizarre.

StaunchMomma · 09/01/2023 20:24

Wowzers, you really do seem to be looking to be offended.

It's all very petty & precious, OP.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 20:26

The “& guest” thing is petty and not worth worrying about.

The bit about your Mum I can understand, but it may well turn out that she is invited.

Id go if you want to go and not if you don’t.

DawnAnn · 09/01/2023 20:27

I would wait and see if DM is invited. If DM definitely doesn't receive an invitation, then I would certainly decline.

Believ · 09/01/2023 20:28

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 20:19

@Natty13 so my cousin and the rest of the family get to all their family invited while I get to pick between my DM or my DH. this is after for my wedding I invited his DM plus her partner (by name), him and his his now fiancée (by name also) and paid for family's hotel and travel costs for the ones that did attend. even in this case I feel like second class family compared to the rest

This part seems reasonable to decline, or at least ask the question.

TizerorFizz · 09/01/2023 20:33

@motherofqilins
Its lazy use of email. People need to send out proper invitations using names. If they are too lazy to know who you are married to, it’s not worth going. Just get “guest” to decline.

Parentandteacher · 09/01/2023 20:34

motherofqilins · 09/01/2023 19:32

to explain why I am annoyed about the invite saying my name and guest it does feel like my marriage is not being acknowledged. especially as after talking with my other cousin who got a invite it seems her invite did say her husband’s name

This seems a bit petty. Email is safer with post internationally being so unreliable and they almost certainly meant no disrespect to your marriage at all.
Regarding your mum’s lack of invite, for all you know your aunt may have said she wouldn’t attend if your mum was invited which meant your cousin felt compelled to not invite her.
I think you should go or give a regretful apology due to you being away or something and send a gift.

Cutting off what little family you have for spurious reasons seems daft.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 09/01/2023 20:38

What was the drama?