to politely decline a wedding invite from family

[motherofqilins]

I used to have a close relationship with my cousin growing up. both my cousin and me are only children so we saw each other as the closest thing to a sibling the other had. My aunt and family live in LA but my mum still made an effort to fly there twice a year.

He could not come to my wedding last year which I was fully understanding of as he had a wedding in Portugal earlier in September to attend (he was best man so I fully understand). His mother still came though there was some drama involved.

I recently got a wedding invite to his wedding. for context it was via email which is why I am torn. First of all my mum never got a invite. We are a close family and I know no matter how rocky the relationship my mum would not have forgiven me had I not invited my aunt. Luckily my DH already said that unless my mum's get a invite we will decline, which I fully agree with. My second reason is that the invite only says my name and guest. This feels so disrespectful as when we sent out our wedding invites we made an effort to enquire his now fiancée's name before they were even engaged. I want to give the benefit of the doubt that it was an automatic email from the wedding website but it spelled my name correctly so not sure why it would not say DH's name.

I would have a polite enough reason to decline as his wedding is actually the same as mine and DH's anniversary so for all they know we could already have plans.

Would I be over reacting if I declined once the separate paper rsvp arrive if DH's name is not on them? They are planning the wedding in Italy so there would be some travelling involved though a lot closer then Mexico which was the original plan.

How petty! Maybe they weren't sure of your husbands spelling or something... who cares? Why does it matter ? I feel like there must be more to this story for you to be so highly strung about it

It's invitation not invite.
Invite is a vowel. You can't receive one.

Decline if you want, but I think you’re overreacting to the name / email. Most weddings do electronic invite nowadays

Imagine pointing this out to someone 🤣

It’s fine to decline because Italy would be expensive. It’s bizarre to decline because they made an error while sending the invite via computer! If you like your cousin, and would enjoy a trip to Italy, and can afford to go, then go. If even one of those things is not true then don’t go.

I think you’re being ridiculous. Sorry but you are way too easily offended

When I got married, my over-sensitive cousin was mad at my mum for some random reason, so she declined to attend the wedding.

I think she thought it would be some big insult, but honestly we never gave her a second thought.

They won’t give you a second thought either. Go or don’t go, but don’t expect them to pay attention - it’s their big day, not yours.

Tbh this is the second thread in a week someone is offended by an invitation..

People just seem to want to be offended these days

Now @MyMumSaysALot that's just too far sensible a response! 😆 but exactly what some need to hear!

After a year, I wouldn’t know whose anniversary was when. I wouldn’t care, tbh. Perhaps your cousin gave the job of inviting people to the aunt. Have you thought about that? Just call your cousin and ask if they did the invites or their mum. (It sounds like their mum is the issue after all.). Instead of being stroppy, just say that you understand about having to cut numbers to cut costs, but are they aware you have received and invite for a plus one instead of one for you and DH and your mum hasn’t received an invite. You don’t want to RSVP until you know because you don’t want either of you to be stuck in the middle of a ridiculous family drama that has nothing to do with either of you. (Be the adult here - don’t even mention the date. Nobody cares.)

and paid for family's hotel and travel costs for the ones that did attend.

That’s crazy! Why did you pay?

They seem ungrateful and weird bunch, regretfully decline the invitation .

Stop looking for reasons to be offended. Be a bigger person than that.

Go or don't go but 'and guest', while mildly irritating, is not a good enough reason to throw a hissy fit.

There is way too much drama in all of this. Just decline.

@whoyougonnacallGOATSBUTTER for a long time for me and my DM it was very much anything for family, always forgive family, don't fight and never make up with family, always priorities family etc.

I think stepping back and looking at this whole thing it is more their general behaviour for years that has led to my feelings then mistake on the invitation. I now see the DH's family have been far more family to me and DM then my biological one on DM's side.

Maybe they can only afford a few guests so put your name and guest as then it's up to you if you want to go with your husband or you mum?

You have an invitation to a wedding.

If it is too expensive, or too logistically difficult, or you can't get the time off work. Don't go.

If you feel you have drifted apart and don't want to bother with arranging to go to the weddings. Don't go.

But saying you won't go because of the way the e-mail is worded makes you sound completely bonkers.
If you don't want to go - own it.
If you would like to go, then this has to be the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long time.

Talk about trying to create a drama where there is none.

Hi @motherofqilins
Well some people here seem to know a lot more information about your background than you give in your opening and subsequent posts, so I am quite confused.

From what I have been able to gather from everyone's posts on this thread, I think that your DM, and your Aunt, are sisters? After that, all I can make out, is that you seem to know - or think that you know - that your cousin in America and his Mum (your mum's sister) are as least as well off financially as you and your DH, and that they either do, or should, have the same priorities as you and your DH and DM do?

I think on one of your subsequent posts OP, you suggested that you went to quite a lot of expense in trying to help all who could, and/or wanted to, attend your Wedding; including paying for some peoples flights and accommodation? You now seem to be expecting your cousins family to do exactly the same?

So do you 100% know (direct from the horses mouth so to speak) that your cousin has as much disposable income and/or savings as you do? Do you also know, that if they have got lots of spare money, that they have the exact same priorities as you, and therefore, for example would be very happy to pay for both your DH and your DM to fly over to Italy, arrange and pay for accommodation for the 3 of you, and to have an extra guest at the Wedding Reception as well?

Without knowing any of the background at all in your opening post, I thought that the invitation addressed to "you and a guest", was deliberately worded that way, and that your cousin was trying to say, without having to spell it out, that he couldn't afford to invite both your DH and your DM, so he left that bit blank so that you could decide which one to invite yourself (not all people like sharing their financial situations with everyone, and may even find it rather crass to do so). Even if you believe that he (and his Fiancée) can and should spend their money, on their Wedding and Wedding guests, they might think differently.

For a start, at the moment in the UK we can still usually get adequate to good (and safe) schooling for our DCs, but I believe that at least in some parts of the US, it is very important to pay privately for your children's education. Also, for the time being - although goodness knows for how much longer - we have got included in our taxes etc, a National Health Service. Of course it isn't at all "free", but that seems to be how most prople view it. The US obviously doesn't have that, so the citizens have to pay for their Health Insurance - which may or not include any medication they might be prescribed - up front, and after any taxes etc have been taken from their wages. Many Americans will also worry about being made unemployed for any reason, unless they are multi-millionaires.

Then again, your cousin and his Fiancée might want to go an extended world tour for their honeymoon, and couldn't do that if they don't keep quite a tight reign on their Wedding costs. That wouldn't be them being horrible, nasty, or selfish, they don't owe any of you an amazing wedding experience at their Wedding. I am sure that for those who can attend, it will be both beautiful and emotional, and if I was you, and could go, I certainly would! I would personally take my DM, as she is his Aunty, and she might not have that many more weddings in the future that she will be able to attend.

Luckily my DH already said that unless my mum's get a invite we will decline, which I fully agree with.

Why is your husband doing your thinking for you?

I think @Believ that @Circumferences probably meant that other "v" word - verb. My posts, texts etc invariably go tits up, if I am trying to be "clever", or show off 😂

If you don’t want to go because of some family falling out, then don’t go. But don’t let whether or not you go depend on the invitation wording, that’s SO petty.

Why not seize the opportunity to get back in touch with your cousin? Call him up and say hey congratulations but we’re a bit confused, my mum hasn’t got an invite was that accidental or is she supposed to come as my guest, in which case what about DH, what’s the plan?

🤣🤣

Hi, weddings are very special occasions so go and be there if you can show love and support. It may help bond the family in the future. If you really can’t bear to go due to these dramas and touchy feelings then stay away but try not to make it into a feud. You seem to be offended about the invitation, but how would you feel if you hadn’t been invited at all? You might have fun if you go

If I were you, I would be sending a rsvp stating apologies, we are unable to attend your wedding. Hope all goes well. Cheers

Exactly.

Establish what their thinking / rationale is, and then see how you feel.

I’d never call anyone to enquire about the lack of an invitation. I did it years ago and it was a dreadful experience and it wasn’t a even a wedding! Keep a dignified silence.

I have never had a wedding invitation email. I don’t always read emails! I would expect a written invitation in the post. I would expect it to be inviting me and my husband, who has a name. If anyone doesn’t know it, ask. How rude not to bother. I wouldn’t go on this basis. Your relatives do not really know you and don’t know the name of your husband plus cannot be bothered to find out. That’s enough for me to exit stage left.