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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did any of you have a ' I divorced him because he left his cup in the sink ' moment?

127 replies

bingoagain · 09/01/2023 15:26

Not sure if that's the exact title of the article but basically it was an article where the wife divorced him because she had enough of his laziness and disrespect despite many pleas for equality and support.
Well, I've just done this and I hope I haven't jumped the gun.
He stayed at my home for days on end and then it ramped up to weeks at a time and did SFA to contribute. He want working at the time.
It came to a head when one evening I came home from work and he had put his empty plastic packaging on top of a tied refuse bag and the kitchen was messy and the dishwasher not filled
It was the last straw of his entitlement and disrespect and of course, I know I didn't need a reason to end the relationship.
I had had a back injury and he would have known I couldn't the refuse bag into the main refuse bin.
I snapped. That was it. I had enough.
He still tells people that I broke up with him because he left his empties on the top of my bin .
Was I too hasty or is this actually reasonable ?

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 09/01/2023 15:30

If that's the threshold for your divorce then yeah unreasonable.

I expect my partner to be imperfect and occasionally do things to irritate or offend me. I communicate my concerns, preferences and identified solutions to resolve any issues. Some recur, and I need to give a gentle but firm reminder, some don't.

No one's perfect

orangegato · 09/01/2023 15:34

The last straw for me was for never making me a brew. It was just the last of a long list and made me realise there’s no room in my life for this selfish cunt. So long, farewell. Not regrets remotely, small things are hugely indicative of someone’s character and whether they put themselves or you first.

KILM · 09/01/2023 15:43

Doesn't matter if its a small thing or a big thing - if you don't want to be in a relationship anymore you are within your rights to end it.

NumberTheory · 09/01/2023 15:45

No, it’s not unreasonable for a single action to be the one that tips you over the edge. You obviously aren’t divorcing him because he once left his empties on the top of the bind, it’s the history of laziness and selfishness with that simply being the catalyst to action.

NewNameNigel · 09/01/2023 15:47

I think in most cases there is a straw that breaks the camels back.
I feel like @BabyOnBoard90 is being deliberately obtuse. Obviously this isn't a one strike and you're out thing. Rather a symbol of a pattern of behaviour that the op realised she was no longer prepared to tolerate.

Jimboscott0115 · 09/01/2023 15:48

My girlfriend split with her son's father over some socks being left strewn all over the place. Clearly this wasn't the full reason but very much the straw that broke the camels back after a myriad of problems.

So not, I don't think you're unreasonable and would guess it's fairly common to hit the wall and just say enough is enough, even if it's over something seemingly trivial

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/01/2023 15:49

If this guy wasn't even living with you, I would have flipped a hell of a lot sooner than you did, OP.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/01/2023 15:50

I mean, I'd cut my DH some slack because he's built up a huge amount of goodwill over years. But it's not unreasonable to break up with someone who has just moved themselves into your home by stealth and then messed up the house.

KnitterNat · 09/01/2023 15:51

This is the whole point of the expression last straw/straw that broke the camel's back. Yes, the immediate cause is small but it's the weight of that plus everything else that went before it that counts.

Cotonsugar · 09/01/2023 15:51

orangegato · 09/01/2023 15:34

The last straw for me was for never making me a brew. It was just the last of a long list and made me realise there’s no room in my life for this selfish cunt. So long, farewell. Not regrets remotely, small things are hugely indicative of someone’s character and whether they put themselves or you first.

Same here - never made me tea in bed or anytime except if I was ill which was hardly ever. The straw that broke the camel’s back. I must have made him 100s of thousands of cups of tea in our 25 years together, but obviously there were other more serious reasons. It’s the little things that show love though.

Ell95 · 09/01/2023 15:53

Nope not unreasonable at all. You need a partner who matches your energy. I was with a lazy self-absorbed arsehole for 10 year who never cleared up after himself and never lifted a finger as 'he was the breadwinner' and that was 'his only duty'. I was basically a mother and a slave. Even when I went to work his lazy ness remained the same, amongst other things. A few years later my current partner matches my energy when it comes to cleaning and joint efforts. It's not hard at all

theemmadilemma · 09/01/2023 15:57

The whole point of that article is that it was the last straw in a million actions that showed a lack of respect for the other person.

I put up with annoying habits. But if becomes a matter of complete disrespect for me then that's different.

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 09/01/2023 16:05

But the last straw is always something petty that when isolated doesn't merit a divorce but when added to a list of other things...well, then its reasonable.

orangegato · 09/01/2023 16:11

Cotonsugar · 09/01/2023 15:51

Same here - never made me tea in bed or anytime except if I was ill which was hardly ever. The straw that broke the camel’s back. I must have made him 100s of thousands of cups of tea in our 25 years together, but obviously there were other more serious reasons. It’s the little things that show love though.

Show quote history

Well this creep didn’t even like tea, should have ran at that stage. Two years and about two cups of tea later I snapped. Get out, leave, exit, depart, go 😂

Nottodaysausage · 09/01/2023 16:12

Yes - he didn't get up with our DC on mothers day 2015. I had been so looking forward to that lie in, hoping for a cup of tea in bed and to be able to just read until 9am with a bit of peace and quiet.
I was exhausted.
He was selfish in 100 other ways but that was the one that snapped me.

Shodan · 09/01/2023 16:19

Yes, I did- but after 6 years I can't actually remember the exact incident now.

I'm reminded of some of the 'little' straws when I see him now- for instance, he just informed me he was off on holiday next month and so wouldn't be available to see ds2 on any weekends in February. He had also forgotten about half term.

He always used to do shit like this- selfish and disrespectful. Many such actions, some bigger, some smaller.

Not my problem any more though, thank fuck.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 16:20

Mine was my exh standing in the kitchen eating a yoghurt in slow motion, whilst I struggled to get both a baby and an infant school aged child to bed.

We’d both been at work all day. Both tired - my job was much more tiring and had a longer commute than his. I had told him I was struggling and I was not managing to get my older one to bed because the baby was so unsettled. I’d given him time to eat his dinner in peace, but the slow eating of the yoghurt for a nice relaxed pudding whilst he was obviously needed just demonstrated to me that he didn’t care about anyone but himself.

He also used to deliberately delay his return from work so as not to participate in bedtime. Whilst I always had to rush back because he’d managed to force me into the “default parent” role over those 7 years of having children. I think he thought he’d managed to miss bedtime that day and was going to do whatever he could to make sure he didn’t have to go t involved.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2023 16:21

Nottodaysausage · 09/01/2023 16:12

Yes - he didn't get up with our DC on mothers day 2015. I had been so looking forward to that lie in, hoping for a cup of tea in bed and to be able to just read until 9am with a bit of peace and quiet.
I was exhausted.
He was selfish in 100 other ways but that was the one that snapped me.

This was the sort of thing mine would do too!

Ncgirlseriously · 09/01/2023 16:29

I wish I had a moment of clarity like that, and I sort of did but mine was after he’d been chatting someone else up and got caught. He convinced me to try couples therapy for the sake of our son. I did two sessions and then during the third he lied about something that he didn’t think I knew the truth about. That was it for me, throw the whole man out. I realised he would always be the type of guy who would lie if lying made his life easier.

More in line with the thread, I realised I wanted to split up with my first boyfriend (who I had been with for two years) because he ate my chocolate bar. I had just had a craving for this chocolate bar and put it in the fridge for later and when I got back from college he had eaten it, despite there being other things and other chocolate to eat. That was the last straw.

Hankunamatata · 09/01/2023 16:31

It's the straw that broke the camels back scenario

Urguth · 09/01/2023 16:33

He still tells people that I broke up with him because he left his empties on the top of my bin

i guarantee anyone listening to him say that will be thinking ‘yeah… and the rest, you messy wee shite‘

XmasElf10 · 09/01/2023 16:33

Yep - he huffed about the food I'd made for dinner (I'd worked the day and he hadn't, I'd bought the food, cooked the food and would clear up after the food). I blew a gasket and threw him out and we divorced without him ever moving back. I call it death by a thousand cuts. His low level disrespect of me and his laziness and just the total expectation that if something needed doing then I'd do it was just a total killer. It took years but when I was done I was 100% DONE.

Grandmistress991 · 09/01/2023 16:38

Interested to know the responses of the men in these scenarios too.... shocked, begged forgiveness, said they would change ? Acting like it came out of the blue, wife was unreasonable ?

Hoolihan · 09/01/2023 16:39

Yes. I had done a load of laundry, dried it, folded it, put it all away. When he opened his drawer he picked up a pair of socks, said 'these aren't mine!' and chucked them on the bedroom floor. I can't even begin to explain how totally enraged I felt in that moment.

Like others have said, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Hall84 · 09/01/2023 16:49

Not yet but the last few days may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.