AIBU dinner guest

user8135064726 · 2023-01-09T10:03:24+00:00

To get upset when DH's relative thanks *only* him after she's been to us for dinner? Every. Single. Time.

JenniferBarkley · 09/01/2023 10:31

More detail needed!

Do you serve up a lavish 6 course meal while he sits on the sofa, and then she turns to him at the table and says thank you while ignoring you?

Or does his mum text him after the fact to say thanks? Because that would be entirely normal IMO.

zingally · 09/01/2023 10:34

Upset - a bit ott.

Annoyed - fair enough.

Roundabout78 · 09/01/2023 10:36

JenniferBarkley · 09/01/2023 10:31

More detail needed!

Do you serve up a lavish 6 course meal while he sits on the sofa, and then she turns to him at the table and says thank you while ignoring you?

Or does his mum text him after the fact to say thanks? Because that would be entirely normal IMO.

100% this.
if she thanks him in person, in front of you, I would loudly and cheerfully say “you’re welcome!” To make a point.

FlounderingFruitcake · 09/01/2023 10:37

JenniferBarkley · 09/01/2023 10:31

More detail needed!

Do you serve up a lavish 6 course meal while he sits on the sofa, and then she turns to him at the table and says thank you while ignoring you?

Or does his mum text him after the fact to say thanks? Because that would be entirely normal IMO.

Exactly this!

iklboo · 09/01/2023 10:46

OP says 'relative' not 'mum'. Are we presuming this is a MIL one?

MermaidEyes · 09/01/2023 10:51

iklboo · 09/01/2023 10:46

OP says 'relative' not 'mum'. Are we presuming this is a MIL one?

Bet your bottom dollar it is 😆

BunchHarman · 09/01/2023 11:05

MermaidEyes · 09/01/2023 10:51

Bet your bottom dollar it is 😆

Show quote history

I expect so. Though my FIL has a deeply irritating habit of referring to anything that belongs to both my H and me as just my H’s. This extends to gratitude too. So the house, for example, even though it’s actually mine, is always my H’s apparently. Same for my car. Same goes for my kid!

And any meal cooked by me. Any effort expended by me. All credited to my lovely but ultimately domestically disengaged H. I have no qualms about pointing it out though.

Fairyliz · 09/01/2023 11:07

JenniferBarkley · 09/01/2023 10:31

More detail needed!

Do you serve up a lavish 6 course meal while he sits on the sofa, and then she turns to him at the table and says thank you while ignoring you?

Or does his mum text him after the fact to say thanks? Because that would be entirely normal IMO.

I love it when the first reply nails the issue.

SallyWD · 09/01/2023 11:08

Who cooks? If you cook, then yes I'd be annoyed. If he cooks then fair enough...

Original poster

user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 11:10

It's not a MIL one!
It's not a lavish meal, just a roast. We're both in the kitchen when she turns up just before the meal is ready.
The latest time when she thanked him by name I did actually reply instead and say 'that's alright' because I was sitting right in front of her. She looked at me and laughed. Then I felt shit because I'd wound myself up. I should have addressed this issue when it first happened but I thought it was just a one or two-off event but no it happened every time over about ten meals.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2023 11:13

Sounds annoying if you have cooked. Can't your dh say, "oh, user did most of the work, you should thank her." In a nice way I mean. See what happens!

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/01/2023 11:13

Simple don't cook for her anymore.

Original poster

user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 11:15

SallyWD · 09/01/2023 11:08

Who cooks? If you cook, then yes I'd be annoyed. If he cooks then fair enough...

Depends how you define cooking. I prepare veg. He will put meat in oven, turn on the pans, and he will time it because I can sometimes get timing wrong. If I'm nearest, I'll check how far the veg is from being ready. He will also do the same. He will remove items from the oven. We plate up together. I usually take the plates away. We usually clean up together when we have guests.

OP posts:

Saz12 · 09/01/2023 11:15

Sounds like she expects you to cook but thinks DH has gone out of his way on her behalf - obviously as the little wifey you’d be in the kitchen anyway so aren’t being put to any trouble, whereas the Man is being Exceptionally Kind in doing stuff in the kitchen for her 🙄.

A bit like when fathers get enormous praise for reading their child a story but mothers are just expected to be a 24/7 caregiver with no breaks.... not that I’m bitter. 😂.

pictoosh · 09/01/2023 11:19

Think you're being precious tbh. If she's his relative, she's there because of him. That she thanks him is not a rejection of you.

Original poster

user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 11:19

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2023 11:13

Sounds annoying if you have cooked. Can't your dh say, "oh, user did most of the work, you should thank her." In a nice way I mean. See what happens!

I spoke to him and he said she's not being deliberately horrible (I didn't think she was) but that it's 'not right' that she's thanking him and not me. I told him he could have said something, even make a joke about it somehow, like 'oh, thank (me) for peeling all those potatoes and ruining her nails' or something like that, and he agreed he could have spoken up.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/01/2023 11:19

user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 11:15

Depends how you define cooking. I prepare veg. He will put meat in oven, turn on the pans, and he will time it because I can sometimes get timing wrong. If I'm nearest, I'll check how far the veg is from being ready. He will also do the same. He will remove items from the oven. We plate up together. I usually take the plates away. We usually clean up together when we have guests.

Show quote history

So basically he DOES do the cooking. Cutting Veg is not cooking

UnfinishedBusiness · 09/01/2023 11:20

To be fair, he is the one cooking it. Prepping some veg isn’t really the cooking bit. It’s getting the timings right that makes a meal good or not.

Its rude not to thank both your hosts though, so in that respect you aren’t being unreasonable.

pictoosh · 09/01/2023 11:21

Sounds like he does do the majority of the cooking. What are you het up over this for?

JenniferBarkley · 09/01/2023 11:21

If we have a roast I would do more of it than you but still consider DH as having cooked it as he has done the lion's share tbh.

pictoosh · 09/01/2023 11:21

Ok, to be blunt, you sound like a pain.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/01/2023 11:22

AIBU for not being thanked for cooking a meal I did not cook is what you are asking 😂

Y7drama · 09/01/2023 11:22

Having read it, sounds like he does the cooking.

StarsSand · 09/01/2023 11:25

My MIL did this without fail, every time we had her for dinner.

I did all the cooking. DH usually arrived home from work just as I was serving it.

He never once corrected her.

YANBU. It's rude. I'm sick of my labour being invisible and my efforts being unappreciated.

Tell DH you expect him to pull her up on it from now on.

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 11:25

iklboo · 09/01/2023 10:46

OP says 'relative' not 'mum'. Are we presuming this is a MIL one?

I definitely am.

It's normal if she's texting him after.