AIBU dinner guest

[user8135064726]

To get upset when DH's relative thanks only him after she's been to us for dinner? Every. Single. Time.

My FIL and MIL write Christmas cards that only have DH's name in them! No mention of me and the kids, although we do get presents. To be fair I am very clear that they are the ones with the issues, not me... I accepted that they are weirdly needy of DH and don't take it personally. In your position, I would be tempted to make less effort if the effort you are making doesn't get appreciated! I mean be friendly, but get DH to do the cooking and tidying etc?

I think the reason is because it’s your DH doing the cooking. At best you’re his sous chef.

I have had this before .
She thinks you should be doing the cooking.
Pure sexism.

Dh should be speaking up and including you immediately along the lines of 'and thank you so much to my wife, we couldn't do this without her'

I would assume this person doesn't like you if she pointedly thanks only your dh repeatedly and I would not invite her again.

Meet in a restaurant next time if you must see her, and split the bill. Then you won't need to wait for her rediscover her manners.

It doesn't matter if OP's the sous chef, does it? She is still contributing to the meal. Even if she wasn't contributing in any way, it's still their joint home and resources they are kindly sharing. It is so rude to thank only one party. So rude to the point that I would wonder if there was something else going on.

Hosting lunch is more than who puts the joint in the oven! It is the shopping, cleaning, cooking, prepping and hosting!!

It is rude to not acknowledge the rest of the efforts going into her invitation.

Oh dear another snowflake !!!

Next time, I'd let DH do all the tidying, cooking, cheery hosting etc, so the guest's gratitude is correctly realigned.

I disagree with those saying you aren't cooking - both you are your DH are making this meal appear on the table.
But this is a DH issue - he needs to be vocally recognising your labour.

I've no idea why she would be doing this - it seems a bit weird.

Yes, of course. That's exactly what happens

All the prep in the world doesn't make a good meal if the timings are off. OP could have been clearer in the OP anyway.

You are not being unreasonable. What a weirdo this family member is. Id personally refuse to have them round 😂 but then my tolerance is extremely low for other people

Your DH needs to step up and tell her who did all the work.

Oh dear another person that has no idea what good manners look like

Do you actually cook yourself?
Everyone knows that the prep work is the hard part of cooking a roast.

The oven pretty much does the rest.

OP is NBU if her relative (SIL?) looks at Fred as she leaves and says 'Thanks, Fred, lovely lunch, as ever! See you at the gymn tomorrow?' and then gives Fred a peck on the cheek, sweeping out of the house without a backwards glance at the OP.

OTOH, if she says thanks to both Fred and Jane for having her, but separately thanks Fred for cooking, I can see why.

To my mind, the person keeping an eye on the timings and making the gravy is doing the most skilled job here. Peeling potatoes, carrots, sprouts etc takes time but little skill. Checking whether they're cooked, ditto.

Are you saying that she's thanking him because she perceives him to have carried out the most skilful tasks? In the same way you might thank an engineer who has serviced your car, but not thank the person who might have cleaned it after the service?!

It's up to your DH to correct. Mine always does.

Yes, I suppose I am. They should both get thanked, but the chef gets more praise than the sous-chef.

Can't believe how many people are splitting hairs over the perceived importance of prepping veg vs. putting a joint in the oven, just so they can tell OP she's in the wrong.

You're both hosting, you're both preparing food, you're both clearing up and she's only thanking one of you. It's rude 🤷🏻‍♀️

The other day I was at the house of some friends, I thanked the H for cooking (he had done all of it and that was made very clear) and my friend for "having us" as we had been invited and hosted by her.

Weird to be saying goodbye to a couple who had cooked you lunch as a team, and ignore one and say "thanks Nigel!"

Actually I have seen this before in my family where one relative always gets thanked for the meal regardless of how little of it she cooked - that's because she is a bit of a dragon and I think people do it to appease her.

...And if it's me who's been cooking with "the dragon" I say "Oi what about me?" with no shame whatsoever!

I do all of the cooking and usually people thank me when the food is brought to the table - sometimes a little toast to the chef kind of scenario. DW does most of the washing up and also tends to take care of DS etc whilst I am slaving away in our very antisocial tiny kitchen. When guests leave they usually thank us both for hosting and might thank me again for something that they specifically enjoyed about the meal. Over Christmas there was obviously a lot of tidying and washing up, which DW insisted on doing alone, so my Dad specifically thanked her for that as part of the overall thankings before they left.

Most women would naturally pass on credit they don't deserve.

In my experience the same can't be said for men.

YANBU. Rude to focus on just one of the hosts

Not thanking someone when they've done something for you (even simply inviting you into their home regardless of food) is telling that person that they don't really matter. That the nice gesture doesn't mean anything to them. That they don't value that person's efforts. That they consider you insignificant, if they consider you at all.
Some folk who are big on 'family' are often folk who are really big on blood ties. People marrying into the family are often overlooked in the way described by OP. People marrying into the family are seen as appendages that must either fit in to the exist family dynamic, or get shoved out metaphorically speaking.
If this is a matriarchal family with strong yet traditional female members who 'rule the roost' and who are the cooks and the bakers, who 'look after' their men, then any woman who doesn't do that will be 'punished' in some way. Hence the emphasis on thanking the man while ignoring the OP.
It is very likely the case in this situation, particularly as DH seems reluctant to speak up on behalf of OP. DH is scared (probably sub-consciously) of upsetting the matriarchs while he knows that his wife isn't one and usually will just go with the flow.

Next time you (or it may sink in more if he says it) should say: 'Thank you - it's a team effort'.