AIBU dinner guest

[user8135064726]

To get upset when DH's relative thanks only him after she's been to us for dinner? Every. Single. Time.

Just loudly say 'thanks' and leave it at that and then go and pour yourself a large gin (or whatever).

Some people are just rude. It's just polite to thank both the hosts, whoever you are actually related too.

Sounds like you have a very health and happy family set-up there (hope that doesn't sound patronising as not meant in that way). Good to read your experience.

Exactly. I thank both people even if I know the lion's share of the work is done by the woman just one of them. After all, they've both welcomed me into their home.

Do you think she might be a bit old fashioned and think that really you should be doing it all? She may think that her poor old son is hard done by having to do his fair share of the cooking and so is making a point of this?

Sounds like if you get timings wrong then perhaps she thinks you are a bit rubbish in the kitchen and her son runs the show and so should be thanked?

Does she have a useless husband who lets her do all the cooking?

I love your suggestion of how to respond. Powerfully succinct, gets the message across, without being confrontational.

If you accept the hospitality of a couple, you thank both of them, surely? You don't calculate who contributed most in terms of paying for the food, or preparing it, or keeping the conversation going.

But you only prepared the veg, which a child can do, he cooked the actual meal? Why should she thank you?

Yes rude. Is your husband a much higher earner than you? Perhaps she’s thanking him because she believes he’s paid for everything (not that this changes anything- just trying to think of motivation)

Good point. I think this might be a strong motivating factor for a lot of women of a certain generation (if that's not too ageist!)
It's the old-fashioned idea of the man catching the game, and the womenfolk cooking it, isn't it?
Unless the dinner guest is quite old, it does seem quite unusual for a woman to have this sort of attitude to another woman these days though.
I would guess that there's something beneath the surface which OP isn't aware of, because this sort of rudeness is brazen.

When you go to another couple's house for dinner, do you make a habit of ranking how much effort either party has put into the dinner and only thanking the one you seem to have contributed the most?

That's really bad etiquette if you do.

*deem

So he is the one cooking ? Cutting veg isn't cooking .

Never experienced this concept of men cooking so I admit I'm jealous .

OP did not say she only prepared the veg. Why are you saying he cooked the actual meal?

Cutting veg is preparation. Preparation is part of a meal. If 'cooking' is literally only putting stuff in the oven and then removing it some time later, then every time DC reheats frozen chicken wings, they're 'cooking' are they?
Not many cooks here.

You are both hosting regardless of percentages of who done what. You both should be thanked. The people on here saying you shouldn't be thanked are the type of people I wouldnt want to invite to my house, it's obviously rude not to thank HOSTS for HOSTING you, regardless of who done a bit more.

YANBU, my Mum thanked my husband for a family lunch we all went out for. Just because my husband used his card rather than me. It was both of our money. Something she would be well aware of.

You have a DH problem. He shouldn't be accepting credit for your work. He should correct them 'it was all OP / it was a joint effort' and wait expectantly until they thank you instead / as well.

If your DH is crap yet you are inexplicably staying with him, then just correct the guest yourself. If they continue to be rude and sexist, don't invite them again.

Can you point to a single post saying the OP shouldn't be thanked? My impression is everybody has agreed the guest should say thank you to both her hosts for having her. The issue is should she also say 'Thanks Fred for a lovely meal' or 'Thanks both of you for a lovely meal', given that Fred appears to have done the more skilful parts of cooking the meal, but Jane also did a fair bit of the work.

Can you stop having her over?

What is she like during the meal? Does she focus more on your DH? Most odd not to thank both hosts.

That's just rude.
I wouldn't go out of my way to invite her again.
Next time she turns up, make her a sandwich in front of her and see who she thanks.

She’s rude and does this deliberately. Your DH should call her out on this in a polite straightforward manner - not jokingly if it’s his sister but a bit jokingly if it’s his aunt Emma who is 85 and visiting once a year.
I know people tend to mention only their side of the family e.g we’re going to Mary’s today instead of Mary and John if Mary is their blood relative. But thanking for hosting is different, you should always thank both hosts for having you, it’s just basic manners. It doesn’t matter who put the roast in, maybe you were slavering for ages cleaning house and doing shopping.
Are there any kids around? It’s very bad example.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g there you go.

Plus multiple posts from people saying she is being unreasonable (for being upset that she wasn't thanked) because she 'didn't cook' 🤨

But she didnt cook!

I am not saying she should not be thanked for hosting, as she should but she is literally talking about the meal, which she did not cook.