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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU dinner guest

107 replies

user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 10:03

To get upset when DH's relative thanks only him after she's been to us for dinner? Every. Single. Time.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 09/01/2023 11:25

Do you really need him to defend the honour of your potato peeling?

OrigamiOwls · 09/01/2023 11:26

It's rude not to thank you for hosting, but your DH has done most of the cooking.

IhearyouClemFandango · 09/01/2023 11:27

Don't most guests thank their hosts, as in both of them? A generic, thanks Dave and Sue, or thanks guys?

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 11:27

user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 11:15

Depends how you define cooking. I prepare veg. He will put meat in oven, turn on the pans, and he will time it because I can sometimes get timing wrong. If I'm nearest, I'll check how far the veg is from being ready. He will also do the same. He will remove items from the oven. We plate up together. I usually take the plates away. We usually clean up together when we have guests.

Show quote history

Turns out you're not even cooking. YABU absolutely then.

stopthebarking · 09/01/2023 11:28

It sounds like one of those things that once you notice it grates on you more than it ought to do. I do think it's rude to thank only one person when you have every reason to believe that both have exerted an effort for your benefit. The normal thing to do would be to say a general thank-you, no names necessary. If she's thanking only him, by name, for ten times or more, I would probably wonder if she was doing so intentionally. It's not very nice.

Original poster
user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 11:31

IhearyouClemFandango · 09/01/2023 11:27

Don't most guests thank their hosts, as in both of them? A generic, thanks Dave and Sue, or thanks guys?

I do, yeah.

OP posts:
Original poster
user8135064726 · 09/01/2023 11:32

stopthebarking · 09/01/2023 11:28

It sounds like one of those things that once you notice it grates on you more than it ought to do. I do think it's rude to thank only one person when you have every reason to believe that both have exerted an effort for your benefit. The normal thing to do would be to say a general thank-you, no names necessary. If she's thanking only him, by name, for ten times or more, I would probably wonder if she was doing so intentionally. It's not very nice.

I do now think she was doing it intentionally, for some strange reason.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 09/01/2023 11:33

Before I decide who’s making the roast potatoes and gravy (and pudding)

( I would find it weird to single out one person from a couple unless it’s blatantly clear one person has done fuck all )

ClubhouseGift · 09/01/2023 11:33

YABU. You are sharing the cooking at best.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/01/2023 11:34

It doesn’t matter what percentage of the cooking you did, guests should thank both of you for hosting them.

My DP wouldn’t have the shame to take that and not get me a thanks too!

FlounderingFruitcake · 09/01/2023 11:48

Ok so he is doing most of the cooking. ‘Thanks Fred the beef was delicious’ - totally fair enough, you didn’t cook it.

However if the guest doesn’t also thank you both for having her then she’s incredibly rude.

pog100 · 09/01/2023 11:50

You are both hosts and both welcoming her into your house. You both get thanked, of course, anything else is weird.

courgettigreensadwater · 09/01/2023 11:52

Haha. I have the opposite. My PIL will always thank me for anything that would be classed as a 'pink' job and I have to say 'actually DH sorted that or cooked that etc'

JPR15 · 09/01/2023 11:55

Yeah it would irritate me but my husband would point it out to the guest - could yours do this?

On another note, apart from Masterchef, I've never heard anyone say 'plate up' in real life. Other than on Mumsnet. Does no one else say serve up? Maybe it's just me!

GnomeDePlume · 09/01/2023 11:55

pog100 · 09/01/2023 11:50

You are both hosts and both welcoming her into your house. You both get thanked, of course, anything else is weird.

Exactly this. It doesn't matter who did what, both hosted.

bigbluebus · 09/01/2023 12:00

Can't your DH just reply "team effort" next time.

pocketvenuss · 09/01/2023 12:02

@ZeroFuchsGiven putting the meat in the ice bud hardly effort. They both check on progress. Prepping veg is more work than taking food out of the oven. They both pkate up. They are both cooking by the sounds of things.

HaddawayAndShite · 09/01/2023 12:03

How are you ruining your nails by peeling potatoes?

Anyway. She’s rude not thanking both hosts anyway, but stop having her round as much if it’s winding you up so much.

fortheast12 · 09/01/2023 12:05

Sounds like she really doesn't like you for some reason.

Or she's got real old-fashioned ideas of what men and women are supposed to do and she feels you're not fitting her idea of a woman.

I could never imagine being so ungracious when someone has provided me with a meal.

CuntyChopss · 09/01/2023 12:06

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 11:27

Turns out you're not even cooking. YABU absolutely then.

Show quote history

Preparing food, checking on it throughout and plating it up isn’t part of cooking? What happens at your house then? Unprepared food gets flung in an oven then everyone troughs out of said oven like dogs? Weird.

pocketvenuss · 09/01/2023 12:08

It's obvious that people are so fixated on MEAT being the main thing in a meal that the person putting the dead flesh in the oven is ALWAYS more work than peeling chopping and otherwise prepping vegetables. In my experience the vege take far more time and effort. Meat is just seasoned and flung in the oven.

fortheast12 · 09/01/2023 12:09

Is DH a chef (using the term 'plate up')? And so she thinks he's prepared all the food? Even so, normal people don't continually forget to thank both their hosts regardless of the hosts occupations. Sounds like she wants to degrade or demote you or bring you down a peg or two in some way doesn't it. In your own home as well!

NoDairyNoProblem · 09/01/2023 12:12

I think the invitations would drying up.

MRex · 09/01/2023 12:13

It's a bit odd you have to tell your DH to pass back the credit, wouldn't most people naturally do that? Both would usually be thanked for hosting, but does your DH recognise that you're helping with the meal, or does he think he's the only one that did it? I'd just sit out the prep on the next one if that's the case, let him sort it all out.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/01/2023 12:17

Well, she wouldn't be invited again if she's that rude.