I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

I would join for one night, I think the day is a bit selfish tbh and sort of ‘may as well have not bothered’. It does sound like you don’t really want to go, it’s your sister so I would be trying a bit harder before giving up.

That's a very long post for a pretty common issue. Your message was fine. Lots of people can't commit to plans or attend at all. You've said it nice and early, not dropped out at last minute.

If anyone thinks you're a dick that's their issue. It's not a big deal.

It's gone quiet because what do people say to that? My BIL&SIL do this whenever we try arrange anything as a family. Come up with a million excuses for why it won't work for them and pull out. Mainy very similar to yours. It's such a dampner as often there is a solution if you really want to find it.
I think for my sister's hen I would make the effort tbh.

I think you need to tell your DSIS and explain why you can't make it. Don't worry about the rest of the hen party, it doesn't matter if they 'get' your reasons, it's just your DSIS who matters.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable - I think perhaps your views on weddings are quite different from your description of cheap clubs and inflated willies vs djs and "insta" weddings.

Yes I would say you have definitely killed the buzz in the group chat - but only by being honest about your commitments and life. Is there anyone at all that could step in with animals and children?

It's a bit of a dampener on a special occasion group chat, which I'm sure would have some solution if you had time to get one in place.

The fact that you gave not just one solid reason (cost) but a whole bunch of weak excuses (your husband's job, your choice to have a load of animals, a 15 year old who can't be trusted to revise without you hanging over them) makes it come across very much like you just don't want to go. And you're the bride's SISTER. You've definitely put a dampner on things.

Sharon sounds like a great friend so I expect your sister will get a lovely night without you.

Of course it would have shocked them - they've planned the whole location around YOU and if you're not going to be there then they're back to square one.

I think all solid reasons not to commit at this stage, it is a lot of money. If the last message was just a list of reasons and a 'probably can't make it', perhaps you could add 'it all sounds great though, please do make the arrangements and I'll join in if/ as best I can'. This might bring it back onto a positive track.

Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Surely all of your excuses for not attending were apparent back in October? I think it's really shitty of you to let them know you won't be going after stringing them along for months. You could have said this months ago, before firm plans had been made, especially as they've made arrangements to make it easier for you to attend.

So they've planned it around you, and your ability to get there.

You cba even though it's your sister.

This.

When people do not have children, money concerns, exams, animals, a husband working away, life is a lot easier to organise.

The logistics of weekends away, especially at such a distance is challenging.

Explain to your sister about your husbands schedule and the money issue.

I think you have a lot on your plate.

On a side note these Hen's sound like the greatest dose.

Forw there's only really one issue - the cost - as the others sound like they'd potentially get in the way on other weekends as well so just need some organising.

I wouldn't worry too much about your 15 year olds GCSE revision, purely because even when you're there - you can't really measure how effective etc it has been. The same for your husband's work and pets because no matter when the hen do is, you might have the same challenges because of your circumstances.

So... Cost it is. At this stage I'd be likely to get pencilled in as attending while you work through the logistics of your husband's schedule etc and go from there. That is what ultimately decided on your ability to attend and how much it'll cost, you can then discuss specifics in terms what what you can afford to do when on the hen do once you know your budget.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I just think that most of the challenges you have are pretty constant in your home setup so you can either make it work if possible, or can't - but that's unfortunately on you and your husband to work out and shouldn't really be out onto the group to factor into the overall plan.

You sound like a bit of a pain tbh, there's nothing worse than trying to book something but having one person who just won't commit - you could have told her all this back in October, now three months have been lost.

Also your excuses look very weak and you will look like you just do not want to go.

Your DD is 15 - she is more than capable of self starting to revise, in fact some would argue self motivation to revise on GCSEs is a perfect way to learn that skill.

Its your sisters hen - try harder

It’s fine not to go.
For any one of your reasons.
But this hen do group was set up in October and it sounds pretty far down the line in terms of planning, for you to pull out on reasons that all existed in October.
So right now I’d be “FFS!” texting the rest of the group.

That's not really fair though is it, she said she'll try , it's hard when you've got commitments

I don’t think your reasons are weak at all. If you can’t guarantee your husband is home, you can’t commit. We run a rescue so I know that alone makes things difficult.

Speak to your sister as planned. If you were my sister, I’d be fine with you not coming. It sounds like you are at very different life stages with very different lifestyles and yours means it’s just not that easy to do what they have planned.

It’s not really clear, did you not tell your sister first?

“i don’t think it was even considered that my DM … would come”

So there’s your babysitter, if you actually wanted to go and could afford to. Especially with a Y11 in the house too. And / or your father. Even if it’s a big ask in distance, it’s for both their daughters.

I disagree with those saying you should go because it’s your sister. To me, those costs are insane.

But the more practical side of things? It’s pretty poor to wait 3 months on that.

I understand your reasons for possibly not being able to go or only go for the day. They are reasonable and if you sent a nice message it all seems OK.

However, if plans have been going ahead for some time, apparently based around what might be easier for you and this is the first time you have raised anything about the reasons it might be difficult to attend then yes, they will probably be frustrated and upset. Maybe a call to your sister and the MOH might have been better before a group message?

Also, I might be reading this wrong but you do sound quite judgemental of it all - it reads a bit as 'silly young girls with no responsibility and nothing better to do with their lives' in all honesty. I don't know but could it be being picked up on if so?

I suspect people in the group chat are annoyed, OP, but also your reasons are perfectly valid. If you'd said in October you couldn't make it, they still likely would have had thoughts about it, but you've now given as much notice as you can.
It's one of those things, people in the wedding planning age bracket now have a certain view on how it works, and people who got married 20 years ago have a different view. Neither of you are wrong, it's just different perspectives and as PPs have said, the only thing that matters is that your sister knows you love her regardless of whether or not you're at her hen do. Maybe offer to still pay towards her share even if you're not going, and send a bottle of something fizzy to the airbnb they're staying at with a note.

So a few points to clarify.

Sharon originally messaged me back in October to which I couldn’t even get into other than a “thanks I’ll give it some thought” as Christmas was just around the corner, the hen group chat was set up two days ago and has moved very quickly from what is everyone thinking about dates/location. (I was very tentative with my replies, there was a lot of potentially and hopefully in there!) to date confirm and and venue booked within about 24 hours.

I don’t think childcare when you live 500 miles away from family, you may/likely have a husband abroad and 3DC at home is a week excuse.

My message was lovely, complimented the venue, was really gutted it had to come to pulling out for the whole weekend, was honest about money and childcare issues and being able to commit to dates but If could get there for some of the time I definitely would make it happen.

Try harder to... Have kids old enough they don't require childcare? Because no, a 15 yo can't look after two younger sibs all weekend whilst Mom is miles away and Dad out of thr country. Try harder to... have a totally different life for the sake of one weekend, perhaps DH can quit his job and they can sell the petting zoo and then she'll be free every weekend!!

Also, I might be reading this wrong but you do sound quite judgemental of it all - it reads a bit as 'silly young girls with no responsibility and nothing better to do with their lives' in all honesty. I don't know but could it be being picked up on if so?

@JPR15 I also thought this - it sounds very patronising in genral I feel (again could be reading wrong)

I imagine they have set up another group for those who plan to attend.

You have this conversation at the beginning not after it has been planned. These are not things that have just materialised. Honestly you sound like you don’t want to go and I would be devastated if my sister didn’t want to come to my hen do and was making up feeble excuses.

A child doesn’t need supervision to revise that is a total cop out. Also DP and MIL are around so could they not help out? What would you normally do when you were invited somewhere and DH was away surely you don’t just stay home throughout multiple months of the year turning everything down until he returns.