I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

YANBU! I cannot stand the whole concept of spending a small fortune on a holiday for someone's hen do.
Presumably you are also spending a lot of money and arranging animal care etc for the actual wedding - that should be enough of a celebration.

You have DC same a load of animals. You can't go. They can choose to act like you not being able to get out of your commitments for a weekend and spend £600 just to keep them happy is outrageous or they can go and enjoy themselves and be pleasant.

I think it's fine not to go, your reasons are fine, but they've not changed since October so I think you should have said then that you're not able to commit to a night away. It is a bit mean to wait till they've booked, and then a couple more months, and then say that actually you weren't ever going to be able to manage. They could have chosen something else if they'd known that. It's done now, but I don't think you should be surprised at their reaction. You've been a bit shit, and it'll have cost them all money.

It’s almost like people are having competitive hen do’s, really expensive, over the top. And then on top of that the costs for attending the actual wedding itself. It all adds up, and a lot more people are struggling even more these days. £500 - £1000 is a shed load to spend on some else’s “special day”.

the problem isn’t really that the OP can’t go to her sisters hen do, it’s that she’s pretended there was a way she could attend and let them arrange around her, and still hasn’t clearly stated there is no chance she’ll turn up so there’s no point then trying to fix this so she can go

No, the problem is the person organising has assumed she would be going and has only just said what the plans are and how much it will cost - no-one can make a final decision without knowing whether it's a few drinks in the pub or an all singing all dancing (literally, it sounds like) weekend affair.

When I organised a hen do I said what I was thinking about doing from the start, got proper costings and made sure everyone was ok with that.

The issue isn't that you can't go. It's that they've organised it in a way that suits you best, asked for you to confirm in OCTOBER and just now you are saying no. Really poor form! I'm sure they're talking on another chat.

It's irrelevant that you live miles away. I live 2000 miles away from my family and still managed to organise a hen do for my sister. We had phone conversations and texts.

A lot of your message sounds quite judgey tbh, referring to her friends as "young girls" - they can't be that young if she's your sister a d you have a child doing their gcses. Plus how hard is it to understand - I work 9-5 in an office job but am perfectly capable of understanding that other people don't!

Then you say you assume "sharon" hasn't even thought of inviting sil/mil but say she's in contact with your sister who is saying what she wants to do for her hen - it's very obvious your sister has given her the guest list (as has been the case in every hen I've ever been to or organised)

Honestly most people (outside of mn where hen dos are up there with christmas work parties and answering the door to an unplanned caller) would try their best to make their sisters hen do if they possibly could, even if it was expensive or involved activities they didn't particularly fancy. I was in the same position for my sister. If most of your sisters friends went to marbella and spent £2k it sounds like she's deliberately toned hers down to make it easy for you to attend so perhaps she is annoyed at you saying you can't come but you won't know unless you actually speak to her, which you should have done BEFORE telling everyone else in the group!

If you don't want to or can't afford to go fine but just tell your sister that - adding on all the random shit about your dh working patterns and your dd gcses (seriously shes old enough to study herself, you being away for 3 days isn't going to make the difference between her revising or not) just sounds like you're grasping for excuses.

But what solution could Sharon come up with? They picked a location that was based around being central for everyone attending to get to, requiring everyone staying over. They will need to arrange travel and book a place for everyone to stay, yet the OP can’t commit until a few weeks before.

it may well be if they hadn’t tried to factor in the OP they could have arranged something cheaper closer to where the rest of the live.

if any of the others work weekends, then notice needs to be given to book time off.

and the OP has been clear this half way location travel costs are too much, so really short of arranging something where the OP lives (500 miles from the rest of them), then she’s not going to go.

if there is only one solution the OP would sign up for, then she needs to be the one ti suggest it or be clear she won’t go no matter how much work they put in to finding options.

I think people get very carried away with hen nights/weekends, and forget that some people do actually have other commitments.
Your husband could be deployed at short notice, that is the lot of military wife’s, and you are used to it, but the other girls aren’t. Your sister will be familiar with it though, surely?
I would speak to your DS directly. You aren’t trying to rain in her parade but this is a no starter and you can’t do anything about it. Hubby’s deployment can’t be changed, your daughters exams can’t be, and you have dogs.
Wish everyone well but you can’t commit.

That's fine. So tell them from the start that you won't be able to go, no?

Rather than let them arrange it all at a location convenient for you and then pull out!

In your origin message you said you've felt pressure since October, now you say it's only been 2 days and a 'provisional' message in October. Which one is it? I think you've handled it wrong. None of these things are new things. You should have apologised to your sister right from the start and said sorry I won't be able to make a hen, but would love to do something with you and the girls. Have you actually messaged your sister to explain? I imagine everyone's annoyed as they've planned the location around you, booked the airbnb and only now are you saying you can't attend!

OK, you left yourself wide open to criticism by not responding better in October. It's months away from Christmas at that point, not days ... The rest of your reasons sound fair and reasonable but stop being so condescending to the woman organising it. So what if she says 'super' a lot? You need to do some work to fix this. I'm not surprised she went ahead and booked, she probably held off this long out of respect of you being the Bride's sister but there's only so long she can wait.

"saying you'll "definitely look into maybe going for a day" leaves them with no information they can work with. Tell them exactly what you will be doing.

But she literally doesn't know - she doesn't know if her DP will be there, she doesn't know if she'll be able to get someone to look after the kids/animals - the best she can say is that she'll try, but to arrange around her."

Yeah. So she should say go ahead and book whatever you like, wherever you like, without me as I can't come. Not "definitely, maybe, we'll see". And she should've said that in October.

It’s almost like people are having competitive hen do’s, really expensive, over the top. And then on top of that the costs for attending the actual wedding itself. It all adds up, and a lot more people are struggling even more these days. £500 - £1000 is a shed load to spend on some else’s “special day”

Yes, I agree. A nice meal with her sister and a chance for a proper catch up would be so much nicer.

I dont think you come across that you look down your nose at them. To me you come across as anxious about what everyone thinks and someone who struggles to communicate clearly and directly as a result of that. Instead of a the nicey nicey "potentially" and "hopefully" you should have said "I have no childcare and won't know if my husband will be here until X weeks before so I cant commit to any concrete plans made before then sorry guys". Being direct when you are someone who wants everyone to be happy can be uncomfortable but you need to understand that being wishy washy results in this kind of mess.

The fact you have wrung your hands so much over communicating this to your sister is also very strange. You come across very weak and passive.

YAbitU because as a military family you know the score. You could have said back in October that you wouldn't be able to anticipate if your DH would be home, you knew when GCSEs are and the animals are a fixture in your life.

So ideal world: you would have said back then "i can't commit"

YABU for leaving it so late and hedging your comments in the chat with "hopefully" etc. That is useless and it only for plausible deniability purposes. Speak clearly. Of course they don't know what it's like with a) a menagerie b) teenagers and c) an operational military spouse. It is up to you to be clear from the outset.

TBH i think you need to work out what you can commit to and stick to that. And bow out of the rest with apologies for not being clearer.

That's really mean. OP lives 500 miles away, so already the costs & logistics for the actual wedding must be enormous. Hen dos have become ridiculous.

But that's not what this group of friends want, and presumably the OPs sister is in this group of friends so it isn't what she wants either.

Maybe they all love their very expensive hen dos in ridiculous locations, and the 6 of them are all happy with it. And by trying to accommodate the OP, they're now not doing that when, actually, the probably could have all along because she's not going to go.

Not knowing is fine, but keeping the group waiting isn't, not when this whole thing has been being planned since October. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think wishy washy "I'll try and come for a bit" statements help anyone: OP will still have it hanging over her head that she's got to now confirm whether she can do that or not, and the group will still be waiting to confirm plans for activities, numbers, etc.

@Laiste If I were organising it I would only book for people who had said they were coming. I wouldn't assume anyone was coming if they hadn't actually agreed to.

But this is the bride's sister!

Would you really leave her out if she hadn't said a firm no?

There will be many on here who disagree but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think weddings, “big” birthdays etc have become very extravagant and sometimes it’s very awkward for guests. I think expecting people to pay hundreds of pounds to attend hen dos and weddings is inconsiderate particularly in the current climate.

I don’t think any of your reasons are weak. I would speak to your Dsis and arrange something nice for the two of you and just text Sharon and say you’re so sorry that you can’t make it work but that you very much appreciate the lovely weekend she’s planning for you sister.

Also it is your sisters hen do. Not a random friend. It feels very off to not bother replying for months, and a bit odd not speak to your sister directly. I think most people would expect to spend money on their sisters hen, and if one of my friends sisters wrote thay on a group chat I don't know what I would say as I'd feel a bit sad for my friend.

The young girls probably do understand your DH might not be around, but as you've only told them this problem today you've not given much opportunity to demonstrate this. You've given no indication you might not make it and therefore they've organised the hen expecting you to be able to come

So you would have included the OP in any booking you made? As up until last night the OP hadn't actually said she wasn't going.

Well obviously as this is mn and because obviously you aren't trying hard enough op - nothing less than foster care for your dc and rehome all of your dpets. Remortgage your home to cover all costs also.
Or message your dsis and tell her hope she has a great time but given your current commitments you will sadly have to bow out.