I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Yeah, obviously not that one 🤣
I just meant valid reasons for not going.
There’s not valid reason for pissing Sharon about for 3 months!

Ridiculous. And this is just the hen night? (Or weekend, as they now seem to have morphed into).

OP has a point about the Insta wedding and disproportionate amount of fuss and angst completely over-invested in a one-day celebration these days. Not to mention the huge amount of effort, investment and money required from attendants and guests and complete expectation that they will capitulate whatever they're told to do or else cause some huge family/friendship rift.

'Celebration' is the part people are seeming to forget amid all this superficial bollocks. Not to mention what weddings are actually for.

OP - of course YANBU. The replies on this thread are plum crazy.

i think you’ve fucked up OP - you knew they were organising it in October (and yes, if others need to book time off work and budget, that’s reasonable), and you knew that even if they booked a restaurant near your sister, you’d have to pay for travel and book a hotel which you can’t afford and arrange child and animal care that you can’t - then there was no hen do that you could commit to. At that point you should have said, rather than leaving it until they had worked round you.

contact the MofH and say you are sorry, you should have been honest back in October when she started planning that you wouldn’t be attending any hen do.

I think the reason you have 'killed the chat' is because it is a very small group, and as the bride's sister, you are probably the most important person to accommodate after the maid of honour. Sharon is probably looking into what could be changed to make sure you can attend.

I would message your sister, and say that you feel awful but you're not sure you can commit to the time and expense of the hen night planned. But you're doing your best to try and make sure you can be there in some way shape or form.

She loves you, she'll get it.

I got married last year and had a hen weekend (all my friends are in different locations so bringing them together for one night wouldn’t have been worth it). My MOH kept costs down below £200 per person but two people still couldn’t afford it including one of my sisters.

I’d much rather they were honest with me than stress over money and if your sister cares about you I’d hope she felt the same!

That’s just the sort of thing my sil says when we can’t commit to Xmas dinner midday or weekends away. They don’t understand the commitment at all, they aren’t animal people. When you take on animals you take on a lifetime commitment. Some animals, ie horses, can get quite ill if you suddenly change feed routines..

OP I think all your reasons are valid, but you’ve let them plan this weekend away, pretty much, around you, then pulled out. You need to apologise to Sharron that you didn’t pull out earlier. Offer to pay any losses and give a bit towards your sister’s bit?

She has said repeatedly that they live 500 miles from family. Do you really think it's reasonable to either expect the family or the children to do a 1000 mile round trip for a weekend? Plus if the children are going to the family, OP would need to take them first then head back down/up the county to the hen do location then go back to collect and do another 500 miles to get back home. Come on, surely nobody thinks this is acceptable?!

Just do something separately with your sister when you can - it sounds like the logistics of attending for a weekend will be too tricky.

Sharon originally messaged me back in October to which I couldn’t even get into other than a “thanks I’ll give it some thought” as Christmas was just around the corner

I was with you until this bit! It was OCTOBER - Xmas was 2 months away 😂not just around the corner! So you couldn't possible think about it because of something happening in 9 weeks time?

Your list of excuses is silly. The expense of it and DH not being there to care for the kids were reasons enough. Dredging this one out about xmas has made you look daft.

October is too close to Christmas I agree. Could you offer to host the hen do where you are, which would solve a lot of the child and pet issues. Are they really so keen to meet up when they have to travel 500 miles (and then 500 more, back)? Hopefully by asking this on the WhatsApp it will put things info perspective and end the silence .

The group has gone silent because you've killed the buzz and everyone's probably a bit 😐 at the bride's sister not coming to the hen do.

It's not that relevant but you also sound very judgy of Sharon. How lovely that your sister has a friend so excited to organise a special event for her.

It's pretty obvious you don't want to go though. My husband's also in the Army. He's deployed for much of this year, it's just life isn't it. Most people I know just double book childcare (so maybe husband but also DM or DMiL). It's not like you haven't had notice.

I think the problem is that even if they had organised a cheap and cheerful night out, you’d still have the same issues with travel and childcare if not cost? You’re more or less saying you can’t commit to any date, which is fine, but you should have said that at the outset rather than making it seem like it’s because of what’s been planned…that’s not actually the issue? So I would now be a little more apologetic, explain that as you can’t commit they should plan without you but you’ll try to join and if you can’t you’ll sort something separate with your sister.

So you didn’t tell her? Not sure what the distance has to do with anything, you should of called her or messaged her first, not the group!

But it’s very clear, from the post, the logistically and financially, this mega XXL hen do, is very challenging for the OP. And there’s nothing wrong with saying that she can not commit fully to the event. And she absolutely shouldn’t be made to feel bad for. If I was the bride , and I found that someone in my wedding party, in this case my own sister was feeling this way, but was being made to feel guilty about it, I would feel very bad and embarrassed.

I think it’s on this Sharon lady to find the right solution for everyone. These events should be about having fun, instead of trying to jump through hoops, spending shit loads of cash that you don’t have and then stressing out about.

Your reasons for not going are valid and I agree with everyone about OTT hen parties- they can put huge pressure on people and it’s quite unfair imo. I know you can just not go but real non mumsnet life can be more complicated than that sometimes.
I do think, though, that you haven’t handled it as well as you could. The Christmas round the corner thing is kind of ridiculous. I know how it feels when you’ve millions of things building up and that’s probably what happened for you when you got that message in Oct but the consequences are that now it seems like you’re letting people down when you could have pulled out sooner or they could have changed plans etc. that may not be what actually happened for you but I can see how it’s coming across that way.

You don’t want to go and have come up with a 101 reasons why you can’t be there.

Rather than presenting it as you wanting to go and are needing time to figure out the potential challenges, you presented it as you can’t possibly go as you have dogs that need to be fed and a teen daughter who needs help studying. If my sister sent me that, I would be pretty insulted. Just saw you don’t want to go, don’t give petty see through excuses that everyone knows are just a facade for can’t be arsed to get myself there.

I really dislike the seemingly mainstream thing of planning huge, extravagant, multiple-day events like this that cost hundreds for things like weddings and hens, because there is inherently an emotional obligation to happily pay up and attend because it's family and a special occasion. I think it's entitled and obnoxious to be honest, but that's just me and actually not really the point here.

OP, I think you need to do a bit of a climb down here, acknowledge that you were given plenty of notice by Sharon, and apologise that you've left it until now to withdraw. Also, it's actually more inconvenient that you still haven't given a definite answer on what you will be doing that weekend; saying you'll "definitely look into maybe going for a day" leaves them with no information they can work with. Tell them exactly what you will be doing.

you being away for one night a a week before GCSEs start isn't going to make any difference whatsoever to your DDs preparedness. You don't even have the exam timetable yet! You being absent for 24 hours a week before the start time is insignificant. She could spend that time revising or partying in a hay field and it won't make the slightest difference. What will make the difference is her ability and her overall study ethic.

Your whole post reads as you just not wanting to go - and that's fine. Own it. You are at a different stage in your life to the others. Just say you cant make it and wish them well.

The point most of us are saying though isn't really that OP should go

(plenty of us aren't keen on big hen do's)

the point is that OP should have said she probably wouldn't go in Oct when she knew they were starting to plan it (around her).

It's still six months to go, there is plenty of notice. And it's only the hen do, not the wedding.

A child doesn’t need supervision to revise that is a total cop out. Also DP and MIL are around so could they not help out? What would you normally do when you were invited somewhere and DH was away surely you don’t just stay home throughout multiple months of the year turning everything down until he returns.

ROFL - I'm a single mum, but before that ex travelled a lot for work, and TBH, 1) I wasn't invited out that much, since my friends are also busy mums and finding evening dates we can all attend are rare, and 2) It was a major hassle to do, with a minimum overhead of 100 quid for babysitter and taxi, which makes it prohibitively expensive to do very often.

I think the real big issue is that the OL would like to be at her sisters hen do, but there is no way any event or meal could be arranged that she could go to, unless the rest literally go to a restaurant 500 miles from where they all live near the OP and then go home again after a meal so the OP only has to commit a couple of hours.

the problem isn’t really that the OP can’t go to her sisters hen do, it’s that she’s pretended there was a way she could attend and let them arrange around her, and still hasn’t clearly stated there is no chance she’ll turn up so there’s no point then trying to fix this so she can go.

OP rip the plaster off and be really clear you can’t go and withdraw from the group chat.

The group has gone silent because you've killed the buzz and everyone's probably a bit 😐 at the bride's sister not coming to the hen do.

Also, it's probably gone quiet because they've started a new group chat without OP.

saying you'll "definitely look into maybe going for a day" leaves them with no information they can work with. Tell them exactly what you will be doing.

But she literally doesn't know - she doesn't know if her DP will be there, she doesn't know if she'll be able to get someone to look after the kids/animals - the best she can say is that she'll try, but to arrange around her.