I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

It's not a reach at all, I just told you what they're probably thinking. There was no need to mention most of the things you did in your OP.

You can't afford to go to the hen do. You should've just told them a couple of months before Christmas. They could've maybe found a decent deal on something they actually wanted to do. Instead you've limited their options before pulling out altogether because you've got a dog and a gcse aged child.

I also don't think your reasons are "excuses"

Even the one about not bothering to reply in October because Christmas was "just around the corner?"

It doesn't sound like your gagging to go anyway...

But I don't think there's anything wrong with pulling out for the reasons you've mentioned. Presumably your sister knows and understands the set-up you have going on at home?

Personally, I'd talk to your sister directly about this. Say basically what you've said here, and see what the response is.

What ever the reason(s) you can't go you should have said them in October when you knew damn well Sharon was starting to get stuff sorted.

In the absence of anything firm from you they've had to assume you'd want to go - what with you being the bride's sister - and organised this thing at a location as near to you as poss.

Three months later you pulled out and are wondering why they've gone quiet?

It's fine not to attend. It's impractical in your circumstances and very expensive.

They have 10 months to either offer your bed to someone else or find a smaller property.

Talk to your sister directly. Hopefully she'll have a better grasp on your family situation than Sharon. Arrange a night out/away at a point convenient to the pair of you.

It's only a hen weekend. Lovely to do but not essential.

Goodness some people on this thread are having extreme reactions.

There is way too much hype re hen do and wedding and faaaaaaaamily recently.

I think you've attracted some of the bridezillas op

I’d ring Sharon. Tell her her plans sound lovely, your sis is so lucky. You know they need to get booked.
I’d apologise obviously it would have been better if you’d said when first discussed last year but understandable I think. You want to go but logistically no.
I’d also say similar to your sister.

Perhaps they’re too busy to respond to the group chat as it’s nearly Easter.

In future OP just say no from day one. I was once invited on a hen do planned for a very good friend and it ended up being a whole weekend full of activities, shared hotel rooms and other bits of shit that ended up being North of £500. Fuck off. I wouldn't be having anyone expecting to put that on me, family or not. They can get over it 👍

You can probably tell I'm not that social. If I ever have to plan my own hen do it'll be a meal down the local followed by drinks back at mine for anyone who's up for it no pressure. Just a handful of people, actually just two. Or maybe just me and my bestie. Oh fuck it. I'll go on my own 😃

To be brutally honest, I’m sure you’ve pissed everyone in the group off and they have been giving you a pass because you’re the bride’s sister but the way you’ve dealt with this is quite rude.
Loads of people here will tell you you’re in the right because they hate anything to do with weddings or hens. The reality is if you don’t want to go you aren’t forced to.
Your reasons for not going aren’t new, you could have just told them in October! As if in October you gave it being too close to Christmas as a reason why you couldn’t answer!
Dealing with people like you in a group capacity is fucking annoying and now you have the nerve to complain about your sisters friend booking the Airbnb anyway! She gave you plenty of time to be included if you wanted to.

This

They’ve probably set up a new WhatsApp group without you and are giving you a bit of a slagging off.
Who cares? Your sister will understand your predicament if you explain it. X

I was invited to a hen do in the South of France. It was "only" going to cost £500 and I felt really uncomfortable in saying no. I can understand the reluctance in not wanting to piss anyone off and not mentioning it earlier.

Unless the hen do is in a week's time I can't see that mentioning it now is going to cause so many issues. It'll work out at about £50 extra per person. If you felt particularly bad, offer to contribute something.

You are clearly at different life stages to the other hens. If they don't understand that, we'll that's on them. It isn't doable for you so there's no point worrying.

I had 2 hen do's a city break and a meal out the weekend before the wedding (weekday wedding). Would it be an option to have a meal out a couple of days before and invite the mums and sil along too? I invited mum's and in laws to my meal hen. Worked well.

I agree with your rationale OP but you should have told them in October. A “sorry I can’t commit to the whole thing because xyz but I’ll try my utmost to get there for the Saturday” would have sufficed and would have taken a minute or two to type. Followed by a follow-up call or message to sister.

I think your message to the group was a lot of information to dump there.

In your shoes I would have asked Sharon for a quick chat or shared the message with just her and let her know that you’d be telling your DS without giving any hen party details away and she was not to worry.

Whats done is done. Perhaps now chat with Sharon and assure her that you will manage any disappointment felt by your DS. Maybe follow up soon with a more light message to group or offer to take on organising something if that’s within your limits.

Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October

This just reads as bitchy tbh.

Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Given everything you've said, at what point would you have felt able to commit? When would you be able to confirm whether a yes was definitely possible?

I agree with PP, Sharon has done the right thing tbh. She's forced your hand which in the long term has made it a lot more straightforward for everyone.

She's obviously been here before with flaky bridesmaids and hen dos!

I'd ring your sister and speak to her about it. My sister lived a similar distance away from me when I got married. She had two small children, both had been ill, she was shattered and I told her she really didn't need to come and gave her the out, it took the pressure off her and she didn't come. She was relieved and I didn't want her coming when it was hard for her.

I think maybe Sharon should tone down her plans a bit! I don't really understand why a hen party needs to be more than just one evening.

Why not simply have a nice meal out with some friends and family the evening before the wedding, to include the older and younger generations? People who had to travel to attend would then already be there for the wedding the next day and if money is tight they need not stay a 2nd night but could head home during the evening after the wedding.

Yanbu OP
It's fine not to be able to go for a long weekend, due to living 500 miles away and having too many other caring commitments. And the cost

There's a compromise which is you join them for one of the days and go back home in train of you can or you video chat on in one of their nights for 10 mins

You've still got the wedding to attend

I don't get all these pressures. Granted I got married over 25 years ago

But my sister (Dsis) and I were very close speaking almost every night on phone or at least texting and she couldn't come to my one night Hen do as I was a 5 hour train ride there and then back again just for a night which she couldn't afford as well as attending wedding (she slept at my house for wedding to save on hotel costs) We rang her to laugh drunkenly chat with her during the evening Hen cocktails!

I didn't think anything of it. And my Dsis didn't have children nor pets. I appreciated that it was a long journey for her to make that was unfair to request. My other bridesmaids came from afar too but wanted to as were very party animals and had husbands at home to take care of DCs and dogs etc. we still only did an afternoon and night out in local town.

If the group chose to stay in the UK for the hen do so it would be possible for you to go, I can see why "Sharon" might be a bit irked that you're not going to go now. Speak to your sister and explain.

I think they’ve overreacted if they are really ending the chat because of this. Yes, you could have alerted them to your realities sooner but the planning sounds as if it took off very very quickly over the last few days. Sharon is probably feeling pretty fed up, after going to the effort of organising and now having to redo that (if necessary) so it might be nice to smooth the ruffled feathers there.

Otherwise, if you can’t make the hen do, can you arrange something with your DS just before the wedding? My DS came over from Australia for my wedding so missed my hen do. We organised a spa day for ourselves, and a couple of other local friends who hadn’t been able to free up a weekend for the hen do, as an easier alternative. You could include the mums in this too, and obviously it doesn’t have to be a spa day! My hen do wasn’t a mega do (I too am a bit older) but there were friends with young children who just couldn’t make it.

I mean that it didn't occur to me to be upset my Dsis couldn't afford two trips down to me within 2 weeks. I was just happy she could come to my wedding that's far more important. Hen Do s don't have to include everyone just a "few of the girls "

Maybe, because, I don’t know, not everyone is the same as you?

I get it OP, it's a lot of money. I loathe expensive hen dos anyway but with your added unknown of DH (which is understandable as things are changing so fast right now) it's just not realistic to commit to.

Presumably attending the wedding itself is a significant cost to you and that's the one you'd really want to go to it's completely fine to bow out of the hen do.

I have young dc/pets and limited family help (my mum only but ~45 minutes away and works full time and shifts) so me and dh often have to turn down invites with 'weak excuses'... unless you are in the position it's hard to see it.