I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

You can leave them for one night or 15 year old can feed them! I'm presuming it's not a huge working farm!

This!! Honestly the whole hen do thing is a fucking nightmare these days. What happened to just going out for a meal? Fuck all that shite.

Presumably she booked it as she had been waiting about 3 months for you to give it some thought.

Arranging these things is a nightmare and it sounds like they took you into account in the plans on the assumption you wanted to come since you didn't tell them otherwise. Of course they are going to feel fed up that you NOW tell them you can't because, well, life. The same life you had 3 months ago when they asked you first.

I do sympathise. People expect so much from weddings these days. Hen doos are full on holidays not just a night out anymore. It costs a fortune and doesn't take into account peoples family commitments. And it's even worse when you've got a super enthusiastic Sharon in the mix.

That said, this is your sister. I get that it will be tricky for you but is there honestly no way you can make it work? Could you hire someone to look after the animals? A friend or neighbour? Could the dc come with you and stay with friends closer to home? I just think it's a once in a lifetime thing for your sister (hopefully!) and it will be pretty hard for you and her if you miss it. If it were a friend or colleague it wouldn't matter so much but for your sister....well I would be doing all I could.

I think you are fantastic. You have been 100% honest and upfront about your circumstances and relayed that you cannot commit to their arrangements.

Other than the cost of a gift and a reasonable amount in travelling to and from a venue, no one should feel they have to spend money on accommodation and other get togethers.

I’m not sure what you want them to say? She’s putting in a lot of work trying to organise this and you’re the sister saying you can’t go. She isn’t there to hold your hand and say “that’s alright hun”. Or maybe they’re just at work?
Offering to go for a day but still being vague doesn’t really help as she’ll need to book and pay deposits for things. You can’t go, it’s a bit crap, you’ll all move on.

Is this a thread full of Bridezillas?

Your reasons sound fine to me.

Even "I don't want to" is a valid reason:)

Talk to your sister and explain the situation.

I hope that she understands and is more aware of your situation with your DH than posters here.

I totally agree, it's shite, but its the OPs sister. She cant not go!

@TheLastTimeISawRichard “Sharon actually provisionally booked the AirB&B with a free cancellation (smart and it is a lovely place) without telling anyone…”

Sharon is awesome.
As well as taking on the pain in the arse job of chasing people who think October is too close to Christmas to engage their brain, she has the good sense to realise that getting a booking in is a great way to get such flaky types to focus. If she hadn’t put a place, booking and cost to it, just how long would you have waited to pull out?
👏🏻 Sharon.
She flushed you out, even though it’s January so really you couldn’t have been expected to think about it until May, what with Easter coming up and all 🙄

I had something similar with my friend's wedding. It was overseas and I committed to a week away for that. Then the chief bridesmaid was arranging the hen do in Ibiza not where the wedding was. On the group chat I said sorry I can't afford the time or money to do that. But let me know if they did something local. I was booted out the chat and only found out by accident that plans had changed and it was now local. The bride realised it was a big ask to have two overseas trips. The MoH said she had forgotten I was no longer in the group. I think she did it on purpose was she was pregnant and wouldn't be at the actual wedding.

I’m not sure what you want them to say? She’s putting in a lot of work trying to organise this and you’re the sister saying you can’t go.

How about - "that sounds pretty full on. We understand but maybe you'll be able to tell your sister in your own words? We will have a drink for you and look forward to showing you the photos and catching up at the wedding."

@Tamarindtree “I think you are fantastic. You have been 100% honest and upfront about your circumstances and relayed that you cannot commit to their arrangements.”

Nah. Fantastic would have been doing that 3 months ago. Now, she’s just a pain in the arse.

I think you are fantastic. You have been 100% honest and upfront about your circumstances and relayed that you cannot commit to their arrangements.
After it was booked! Three months after it was suggested! From Sharon’s perspective, she raised the idea/venue/etc with OP in October and got fobbed off. OP never raised a problem with Sharon. So Sharon went ahead and started a group chat and sorted the accommodation etc, specially designed around OP being able to get to it. And then OP pulled out.

Sharon originally messaged me back in October to which I couldn’t even get into other than a “thanks I’ll give it some thought” as Christmas was just around the corner

Your other excuses were weak, but not being able to reply properly in October because you were preoccupied with Christmas? 😂😂😂

I get it op. It's really hard when you can't really afford to attend something everyone seems to have money to throw at.

I'm sure your sister will understand that you just can't afford to go. If it was my sister, I'd just plan something for us two like afternoon tea. Something special for her and so she still gets to spend some special time for her and you.

But it isn't just overnight, it's the day either side too. This is the point and you are showing it perfectly, without being in that position people don't understand what is involved. Hopefully the ops sister is a bit more clued up on the ops life and will understand

You sent the message last night, and it’s Monday morning and they all - you say - work on Monday morning.

If the hen group chat is as busy as you say, there’s been a lot of opportunity for you to speak up.

The reason you’re worrying already that they think you’re a dick, is cos you know you have been a dick.

This answer makes no sense to the question asked. Did you tell your sister first that you won’t be able to go? Like over the phone or whatever… where you live is irrelevant.

It sounds like you are making excuses tbh.

Your husband being in the forces doesn't cut it...there are thousands of lone parents out there who do it all by themselves. And as for the supervising revision....

If you don't want to go or can't afford it then don't but you are scraping the barrel with excuses and people see through them

Op,

1. Speak directly to your own sister. Not via Sharon, that's weird.
2. Ignore those on here squeeling about it being your sister! How dare you not abandon your whole life for a party!

Presumably you will be attending the wedding?

I don't think you sound unreasonable or a pain at all. I have dogs, kids and horses, if my dh was away I'd have to arrange and pay for a mountain of stuff to have a weekend away which puts additional costs on everything. Especially if you live far away, as you need more time and it's more money. It's no one's fault, it's just the way it is. Maybe sort going down at short notice to see your ds with your dh is home for a sister hen do, just the 2 of you.

I also don't think your reasons are "excuses". I also find these massively expensive hen weekends annoying. Generally followed by very expensive to go to weddings.

I'd speak to your sister assuming she will understand your reasons. Let the others make up the difference in costs and if you do end up going, pay them back?

Chat is probably dead because they’ve created a separate one without you.

YABU. Not for being unsure whether you can make it but the way you’ve handled it. You knew this 3 months ago and they planned the hen around you, to make it easier for you. And then after 3 months you come up with several reasons which sounds like excuses. That would piss me off.

You're within your rights to opt out if you can't commit. Personally I don't get this obsession with elaborate expensive hen weekends and tons of bridesmaids. I sometimes think people forget it's a marriage not just a wedding.

You've got more on your plate than the others so they probably won't understand. Explain to your sister on the phone (not by text) and if she's a good sort, she'll understand. I get really annoyed when people think I should spend my tight family budget on ridiculous dance classes/spa weekends/cocktail mixing just to prove I love the bride.

I do understand your situation. It is a lot of money and sounds like it will be a real inconvenience and stress for you, especially not knowing if your husband will be at home.

On the other hand, putting myself in your sisters shoes, I would be feeling hurt that you were not attending, when I had made the effort to make sure we were meeting in the middle so it was too far for you.

I suspect that your sister is hurt you didn't speak to her first and just left Sharon to relay the message that you are not going. You say you speak to her regularly, so the distance should not be a factor in talking to her.

I understand your family are far away, and everyone's family is different, but could you mother not come and stay to care for children and dogs in order to facilitate her daughter attending her daughter's hen party? My parents live a lot further away than 500 miles and would certainly try to make this possible, even for just the dog, never mind the children.

If the timing of the start of GCSEs is an issue, why did you not mention this when dates were being discussed?