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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
bumpytrumpy · 09/01/2023 13:08

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

Why on EARTH are you still with him?

Please for the love of god grow some boundaries and work on what you want your life to be about.

BunchHarman · 09/01/2023 13:16

I can’t think of anything I’d want to touch less than a penis belonging to a man who eats the same three meals every day, is tighter than a gnat’s chuff, has ‘systems’, flicks water in my face, and is frighteningly stroppy and possessive over bags for life from Asda.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 13:25

LoobyDop · 09/01/2023 13:00

On the surface, clearly he’s a ridiculously petty, mean little twat and you should dump him. But. How much of the time do you forget the little things and expect him to sort them for you? Because over time that gets really old. I used to have a colleague who was always asking “has anyone got any paracetamol?” I always have paracetamol, because I know it’s something you often need suddenly, and I go to the trouble of putting a packet in my bag and restocking when it has run out. Why couldn’t she do the same thing? And if that was too much trouble, why couldn’t she make the five minute trip to the staff shop to buy some? As someone who bothers to prepare for minor emergencies, I can tell you it gets incredibly tedious when other people who can’t be arsed treat you like their mum and a free Amazon prime rolled into one all the time.

This is quite an extreme response to "can I borrow one of your bags to carry the shopping which I have paid for for both of us".

Mammyloveswine · 09/01/2023 13:26

Absolutely bonkers!!! Could not have sex with that man!

ImBlueDab · 09/01/2023 13:31

Jesus why exactly is he bringing to the relationship - obviously not good food or carrier bags

randomuser2020 · 09/01/2023 13:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Sparklfairy · 09/01/2023 14:01

(He wanted to give a "male perspective")

Ever heard of NAMALT? A man has swept in to tell us how all men think because that's how he thinks. Yay.

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 14:13

Can I say, as a parent of a child with ASD that i get tired of the cod diagnoses on these sorts of threads and the tieing in of ASD and lack of emotional intelligence and 'selfishness'.

He might have ASD. He might just be an arsehole. He might even be both. But ASD should not just be chucked around willy nilly by non-professionals and the constant assumption that people with autism have no empathy or ability to understand or get along with others is both erroneous and tiring.

Testina · 09/01/2023 14:19

Another one cringing for @MsSquiz

Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 14:29

Imagine the shame of being run over in the street and the medics looking for ID on your person and discovering three neatly folded up ASDA carrier bags!

I bet his last breath would be, “Leave my bags alone, they’re mine....”!

Itschristmastimeinthecity · 09/01/2023 14:31

Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 14:29

Imagine the shame of being run over in the street and the medics looking for ID on your person and discovering three neatly folded up ASDA carrier bags!

I bet his last breath would be, “Leave my bags alone, they’re mine....”!

Stop 😂😂😂

JunglePug · 09/01/2023 14:33

Are you married to Roy Cropper?

Duchess379 · 09/01/2023 14:39

Tamarindtree · 09/01/2023 14:29

Imagine the shame of being run over in the street and the medics looking for ID on your person and discovering three neatly folded up ASDA carrier bags!

I bet his last breath would be, “Leave my bags alone, they’re mine....”!

OMFG!! 😂😆🤦🏼😂

WisherWood · 09/01/2023 16:03

(He wanted to give a "male perspective")

It's nice that he felt able to do this. I find men will so rarely speak up in these situations, when what they have to say can offer us valuable insights into what's happening. It really is a shame that men don't feel more able to step up and offer their unsolicited opinion and whataboutery to knowledgeable, educated women who probably DGAF. Well done on facilitating this, I do feel much more enlightened now I have a male perspective on whether or not the OP's partner is indeed an arsehole.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 09/01/2023 16:22

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 14:13

Can I say, as a parent of a child with ASD that i get tired of the cod diagnoses on these sorts of threads and the tieing in of ASD and lack of emotional intelligence and 'selfishness'.

He might have ASD. He might just be an arsehole. He might even be both. But ASD should not just be chucked around willy nilly by non-professionals and the constant assumption that people with autism have no empathy or ability to understand or get along with others is both erroneous and tiring.

To be fair though a lot of posters have suggested ND not because of attitude and selfishness but the other triggers.

Same three meals every single day, the routines, the rules, the reactions to not following his ways, I would certainly not go bandying about a diagnosis without knowing the man but a lot of these traits do sit within that spectrum.

FWIW I have an adult daughter with Autism and ADHD too.

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 16:27

Yes that is very true, so i am not having a go (although it probably sounds like it, for which i am sorry and do apologise). It is just one of the things that keeps coming up for these sorts of threads which definitely hits a sore spot for me.

picklemewalnuts · 09/01/2023 16:37

Bless you, OP.

All else aside, this isn't going to work long term.

Unless you want to stay home, eat in, go to bed at 9.30, keep all your possessions on their allocated spot on the shelf... it's just not sustainable.

DH has elements of your chap's behaviour. He's a lovely man too. But when someone doesn't appreciate eating out or spontaneity, and quietly disapproves of you carrier bag system it can get a bit wearing over time.

That quiet disapproval of your flightiness for being a bit random with carriers and inability to decide on the three best meals and stick with them... well over time that will wear you down.

Flowers
OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 09/01/2023 16:38

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 16:27

Yes that is very true, so i am not having a go (although it probably sounds like it, for which i am sorry and do apologise). It is just one of the things that keeps coming up for these sorts of threads which definitely hits a sore spot for me.

Oh I know. I play Autism bingo whenever threads come up about useless/rubbish/badly behaved men!!! It's frustrating isn't it.

I wasn't having a go at all x

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 09/01/2023 16:38

The only person who cares about some utter randomer’s ‘male perspective’ is his wife.

Cringing so hard - nobody else has shared their husband’s thoughts because we know no-one else gives a fuck.

Daisymaker · 09/01/2023 16:41

Bin(bag) him

ShakespearesBlister · 09/01/2023 16:43

That's not organised. That's OCD.

Glittertwins · 09/01/2023 16:50

Daisymaker · 09/01/2023 16:41

Bin(bag) him

And charge him 20p for the bin bag too

SnowlayRoundabout · 09/01/2023 16:57

When yo say he's funny, would he find it funny if, say, you laughed at him saying the whole bag issue was a tragedy? Because in one light that is hilariously funny, but it would be quite telling if he is able to see that his behaviour can be ridiculous.

lemmein · 09/01/2023 17:14

BringItOn2023 · 09/01/2023 00:19

Roy Cropper was a prince compared to your DP. Also, he'll only get worse with age!

Agree with this. Roy Cropper was a stickler and unreasonably rigid but he would never have refused poor Hayley (RIP) a bag Grin

Ihatethemessimin · 09/01/2023 17:27

SnowAndIceLobelia · 09/01/2023 14:13

Can I say, as a parent of a child with ASD that i get tired of the cod diagnoses on these sorts of threads and the tieing in of ASD and lack of emotional intelligence and 'selfishness'.

He might have ASD. He might just be an arsehole. He might even be both. But ASD should not just be chucked around willy nilly by non-professionals and the constant assumption that people with autism have no empathy or ability to understand or get along with others is both erroneous and tiring.

I agree but equally the majority of people with autism behave like this, systems in place, “selfish” anxious etc

what makes me sad through this whole thread is people who say stuff like this:

BunchHarman · Today 13:16
I can’t think of anything I’d want to touch less than a penis belonging to a man who eats the same three meals every day, is tighter than a gnat’s chuff, has ‘systems’, flicks water in my face, and is frighteningly stroppy and possessive over bags for life from Asda

makes me sad thinking about my sons future and women potentially talk about him like this