Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To only want one child

103 replies

Orangepen13 · 08/01/2023 21:26

We have a 14mo and I always imagined us having two so they have each other as siblings BUT I’m just not sure we can do it.

We adore her and she has made us a family, but those first 6 months were so hard. She cried so much, never wanted to be put down, slept so badly at night. It’s been getting steadily better and she’s a dream I’m the daytime now, but sleep is still hideous (waking anywhere from 2-5 times a night, every night) and we’re exhausted. We don’t have any family close by, so any sickness (hers or ours) means a lot of time off work and very little recovery time.

Neither of us can imagine having another right now. How do you even split your time?! How can you share that love, she needs so much from us as it is?!

I just feel so guilty not giving her a sibling. I can’t shake this feeling that we should be having another for her. Are we being selfish for just thinking about how tired we are?

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 08/01/2023 21:28

As if anyone is going to say YABU for a personal choice over your own reproduction.

AndyWarholsPiehole · 08/01/2023 21:29

Well, do YOU think people that choose to have one child are selfish?

Butchyrestingface · 08/01/2023 21:31

It's a personal choice. No-one else's business (although doubtless you'll have to field all the opinions of the day). However,

How do you even split your time?! How can you share that love, she needs so much from us as it is?!

It must be possible since so many do it.

Lewiscapaldiscat · 08/01/2023 21:32

having two, if you can’t manage is selfish.

having one is great - you might want another down the road when things get easier - you might not. Both choices are good choices if they are right for your family. Don’t feel any pressure!

VogueDarling · 08/01/2023 21:33

Completely your choice
I have one dc age 7
I have lots of great 121 time with dc we play every day and have lots of lovely fun and easy bedtimes with lots of stories and cuddles
Me and dh have lots of time together and our relationship hasn't been strained

I love being the mum of 1.
You have another baby if you want. Or don't if you don't. Completely your call

Kitcaterpillar · 08/01/2023 21:34

No, I have one and I've never really given it a second thought. Having one has pros and cons, having four has pros and cons, but only having one seems to attract so much angst.

saturnisturning · 08/01/2023 21:35

YANBU YANBU YANBU ad infinitum.

i am an only child and I love it. I’m close with my parents and we always say we’re a triangle which is the strongest shape 😂

plus, whose business is it how many kids you have? Someone will always have a comment though. I have two boys and I’ve been asked a fair few times if I’ll wanted a daughter 🫠😑

do what is right for your family.

WimpoleHat · 08/01/2023 21:36

It’s a very personal decision. But three things stand out to me:

You don’t share your love - you can offer the same love to your child and a new baby
Your second child won’t be a carbon copy of your first - you may find it a very different experience.
It is very tough when you have two and they are both small. But I found that, when they got a bit older, it became commensurately easier - they’d play together and amuse each other. And that’s definitely endured as they’ve got older. So don’t judge everything by how things are just now - life constantly evolves and changes as they grow up.

But - as I came in - it’s entirely personal and up to you and what you want for your own life and family….

LolaSmiles · 08/01/2023 21:36

It's not selfish at all.
If you're happy with one child at the moment then enjoy being a one child family.
You can always change your mind later, assuming there's no underlying health issues or reasons to suspect it would be unlikely.

Suziesz · 08/01/2023 21:38

There’s nothing wrong with only having 1, but also your daughter is still young and doesn’t sleep at night so of course another won’t seem appealing. It would be a very small age gap to try for another soon, I know barely anyone who was considering another at 14 months but they later did.
Just take your time and you can reassess down the line. It’s not selfish to only have 1 but it’s not now or never either.

Craghopper1 · 08/01/2023 21:39

Go for it. Nothing selfish about it at all.

Abouttimemum · 08/01/2023 21:40

We only have one and it’s fine!

RobinRobinMouse · 08/01/2023 21:41

Of course it isn't selfish, I was very happy as an only child and am happy I now have one child myself.

Leakingtoilet · 08/01/2023 21:42

Entirely up to you, lots of people have one child. There are definitely pros and cons of both. I have 2 adult children and a 4 year old, who is obviously more like an only child. Personally I found it easier with 2 except when really small. I find it hard when he wants me to play with him all the time. This weekend has felt relentless. But again it depends the child obviously.

Justanothermum33 · 08/01/2023 21:43

Not being selfish at all. It’s up to you - you may, or may not change your mind in a few years.

i’m an only child and did and still do wish i had a sibling but people want what they don’t have 😄My husband wishes he was an only child (1 of 3) so I don’t think there’s ever really a right way of doing things.

MaverickGooseGoose · 08/01/2023 21:44

Why would it be selfish. Plenty of siblings do t get on with each other, I've been n/c with mine for over ten years.

multivac · 08/01/2023 21:47

Neither of us can imagine having another right now. How do you even split your time?! How can you share that love, she needs so much from us as it is?!

I mean, she could have been twins. You just do it!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/01/2023 21:47

Of course it isn’t selfish.

But is this a decision you need to set in stone now?

I very definitely didn’t want a second when Dd was 14 months. By the time she was 2 and a half I realised I did. So I had a second. There is just over 3 years between them.

When ds was 14 months we didn’t want a third but agreed to shelve the decision. He’s nearly 10 now and officially we still haven’t ruled out a third. But as we are both now in our 40s it is looking rather unlikely - not least as neither of us want another “yet”. 😂

Badoukas · 08/01/2023 21:49

One and done is perfectly ok. You must do whatever is right for you.

kikisparks · 08/01/2023 22:03

My DD is 14 months and I’ve thought since before she was born that we won’t have any more, I doubt I’ll change my mind, DH agrees. There are loads of advantages to having one child and those work for us. Family size is a personal decision and you should do what is right for you (and the other parent).

Almost any decision to have a child is selfish, why else do we have children but because we want them, but there’s nothing wrong with being selfish when it comes to how we live our lives (as long as we aren’t harming anyone). I’m sure a child would far rather you “selfishly” wanted them than you “selflessly” brought them into existence to be a sibling for the child that you did want.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2023 22:06

I'm an only now and I absolutely hate it. I'd give my right arm for a sibling and am so envious of those that still have one.

It was truly dreadful being the only one to care for my mum in her last years. No support and together with being a single parent of dc with additional needs it was nearly the end of me. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If I could turn the clock back d have a big family.

Only you know what's right for you and I don't mean to make you feel bad. But you asked for opinions and that's my experience for what it's worth.

Animallover87 · 08/01/2023 22:14

I'm an only child and I am currently pregnant with our one and only!

ltappleby · 08/01/2023 22:18

As far as the sibling thing goes, I’m the eldest of 3 and I probably spent a lot of my childhood wishing the others hadn’t been born! So do have another for the sake of your child, they’ll be fine.

gemloving · 08/01/2023 22:24

First of all, it's not selfish, you need to do what's right for your family. It's so personal and different for everyone.

@Justanothermum33 that's also very personal, two of my friends are only children and very happy, never wanted a sibling. My husband and I both have siblings and I'd never wish to be an only child, neither would my husband. We love and adore our siblings.

Rainbow1901 · 08/01/2023 22:26

Why the rush to have another child now - your child is 14months old. Wait 3 or 4 years and consider your position then. If you decide you are ready for another child - all the angst you suffered with this child will be water under the bridge and you will both have the energy to deal with it all over again. You may find the next child is a dream and nothing like your daughter in which case all your worrying will have been for nothing.
There's 4 years between my two and my son was a doddle compared to my daughter but then I found I was far more relaxed second time around as you know what to expect. A colleague has 7 years between each of hers - there's no set criteria for having children and if you stop at one then that's okay too.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5