To only want one child

[Orangepen13]

We have a 14mo and I always imagined us having two so they have each other as siblings BUT I’m just not sure we can do it.

We adore her and she has made us a family, but those first 6 months were so hard. She cried so much, never wanted to be put down, slept so badly at night. It’s been getting steadily better and she’s a dream I’m the daytime now, but sleep is still hideous (waking anywhere from 2-5 times a night, every night) and we’re exhausted. We don’t have any family close by, so any sickness (hers or ours) means a lot of time off work and very little recovery time.

Neither of us can imagine having another right now. How do you even split your time?! How can you share that love, she needs so much from us as it is?!

I just feel so guilty not giving her a sibling. I can’t shake this feeling that we should be having another for her. Are we being selfish for just thinking about how tired we are?

No way could I cope with another child and I'm getting on so one for me is fine.

I'm one and done, our DD is pretty awesome, we have a really close relationship. I feel am a better parent for only having one child. She is a very sociable and happy child.

Having another child to gift a sibling? Sorry but I really dislike these kinds of reasons, I wish people were just honest and admit they wanted another child for themselves. Most people with siblings around me are not on the best of terms - some completely NC! I can think of very few who maintained positive sibling relationships into adulthood.

You don't 'share' the love, it multiplies!
Wait another six months or more. It's too soon as your baby is just starting to settle down.
But if you decide one and done that's fine - why is it selfish? Not all siblings get on.

Your reproductive choices are yours and yours alone. Nobody else business.

Also I wasn't an only child but had a really lonely upbringing

Of course not, you do what’s best for you.

I’ve had 3, BUT I have huge age gaps (11 years and 7 years), I had my first at 22 and last at 40.

I’ve always looked at people with a toddler and a baby and that seems like a nightmare to me, none of mine have been easy, I couldn’t have done it!

YANBU. It's a completely valid choice, not selfish and has loads of benefits to the child.

BUT, I would say that you might feel very different in a year. There is no way I would have considered another at 14 months. My daughter was much like yours. But at 2.5 it was a completely different ball game. I still never understand how people manage with small gaps!

A lot of people are posting that everything is fine with one kid and the kid is fine.

I completely disagree. I remember my childhood and there were lonely children from one child families - kids that had every toy going, but nobody to play with.

My nephew begged and begged his parents to have more children. They didn't and he's palpably lonely.

I’ve seen both sides.

My ds was an only child until he was 11. It was all he knew so he was fine with it. And he was home educated so we were always busy and surrounded by children at our house, others houses, at groups so he wasn’t lonely in the sense of not being with other children, there was always something going on.

I was an only child and it was miserable for me, I had no one and my parents were the most unsociable people ever, didn’t like other children in the house. So I was very aware to be the opposite of them.

My son is 20 now (he’s still at home), and has younger siblings of 8 and 2. He adores them. He always says now how wonderful it is to have siblings and that he’s so glad we didn’t end up stopping at him. He was thrilled at 11 when his sister was born. And he’s glad for them that they have each other and him too.

I do think that if you only have one child you probably do need to work harder to fulfill the social aspect that for many families is automatic with a sibling. But on the other hand you often do have the time, money and energy to do exactly that if you want to. The child won't have to forego on activties, parites, play dates etc because it clashes with their sibling's arrangements. I know I say no to a lot of things DD wnats to do because it doesn't fit in with DS.

There's no guarantee siblings will get on. I'm one of three children and none of us keep in touch with each other. My DH is the same with his brother. They're chalk and cheese and also don't really communicate with one another outside of planning their Mum's birthday and Christmas.

I'm sure you can encourage your DC to make close friendships at school and hobbies/clubs so they won't be lonely.

Also a child begging for a sibling is no measure of whether or not they would be better off with one.

Honestly, I think it's barmy to think it's selfish only to have one child. Some kids benefit in some ways from having siblings. Others are damaged. And there are pros and cons in each column. In addition happy parents are THE key to happy children, so if you aren't happy to have two, it won't work for the child either.

On pros for child of being an only sibling:

1. More parent engagement
2. Less stressed, tired and overstretched parents (a day to day advantage, but can also lower chances of divorce etc)
3. More resources. This sounds superficial, but can mean really fundamental things from getting higher quality nutrition and having the warm coat they need not to be cold in winter through to living in better, safer areas (as you don't need an extra bedroom, getting a better education at schools, and getting more enriching experiences, excursions and holidays. And more help in adult life (getting on property ladder, inheritance etc.)
4. Avoiding any potentially damaging sibling jealousy/ competition/ feelings of being inadequate due to being less favoured or less able
5. Avoiding any risk of a sibling who soaks up the majority of energy and resources and limits the quality of their own life (eg the sibling having severe mental, physical or emotional challenges, whether being abusive to them or them needing to be a secondary carer (and primary once parents are gone).

The possible disadvantages to not having a sibling are less intractable.

1. Lack of playmates/ sibling engagement in childhood. Make proactive effort to foster friendships, take friends on holidays with you, get them into clubs, live close to their cousins and foster those relationships etc....
2. Lack of support for caring for you when older. Often the lion's share of the work falls on one sibling anyway (causing resentment when there is more than one) anyway, Work to make sure they don't need to support you too much through your own life decisions.

Really I think it's madness to assume your child would have a better life with siblings, society imposed on us a very narrow view of what a 'real family' is and also puts intense pressure on women to think it's their duty to have (multiple) children. Don't let that sway you!

That said, if your reason not to is that the first year or two is hard, not sure you should worry about that. Unless your children have significant special needs, it's highly likely to get WAY easier reasonably quickly!

Also, women tend to take the disproportionately greater personal hit of having multiple children.
......On their bodies, on the workload, and on the length of time it takes them out of the workforce, slowing or eradicating their career satisfaction and earning power.

This question comes up so often and makes no sense to me! We all want what we want, do what we do, based on our own circumstances.

I want a big family (won't happen but grateful for the 2 I have) you want one. I am not you and you are not me. Neither of us is wrong.

It’s absolutely no one else’s business so if you don’t want opinions about it you should shut the conversation down when it comes up. Other people DON’T care what you do- they may act as if they do but it’s just making polite chitchat. Don’t engage, just say “Nope we are 100% happily done, one is the right number for us, but to each their own. :) What have you been up to lately?”

It sounds like you just feel bad for doing what’s right for you, and all I can say is that there are plenty of times you will be in that situation in life. When your child starts nagging about “insert expensive console here” that you cannot afford and never will, when they tell you about the mansion their friends live in with a pool/jacuzzi, when they start nagging for a pet because little Adam in school has 2 so why can’t they have just the one, and that’s all they want. Sometimes it’s a no and it has to stay a no unfortunately. And yes I understand a sibling is not the same as a console, I’m just saying that sometimes you feel bad for making a hard decision but you have your reasons so do what you gotta do.

This is spades!

Surely it's a kinder decision to everyone to stop at the number of children you feel able to cope with financially and emotionally rather than do what society expects you to do?

Surely whether an only child is happy/lonely is down to the home environment? A happy stable home with lots of socialising and play dates is surely preferable to siblings with two stressed and overwhelmed parents? Going from 1-2 can have a negative impact on a relationship as you loose time for yourself and each other and your finances get stretched even harder which means more time at work. Of course having 2 can also be absolutely wonderful, or for some having even more kids, but it completely depends on what's right for that family.

Free yourself or societal expectations and do what's right for your family.

I have one child. I adore her and will be sticking with just one. I give her everything she needs, including the majority of my time and attention - but also have time to be me. Things are fun, not stressful. I like it this way and don't want things to change. I also don't want to 'gift' her a sibling, as that doesn't necessarily mean a positive experience. That's how I know I'm done. When you know, you know. Im aware of outside pressures and I'm hyper aware of my hormones and choose to ignore the feelings they give me when I'm holding a friends baby and get all gooey-eyed 😂

Just my personal feelings, everyone is different. You have to decide what your 'ideal' is.

We stuck with one for many of your reasons plus a lot of other reasons (wanting to be able to give DC time, energy, and patience. Finance. Still having time to be ourselves. Many more!). DC is now 5 and it was such a great decision. I am the mother I want to be, and I couldn't be that if I had a second.

I'd feel guilty taking my DC's lovely life away by adding a sibling into the mix!

Why did they have nobody to play with? Didn’t they have friends, play dates, go to nursery/ childcare/ playgroups and then school? There’s a fairly big age gap between my brother and I but I played with the other kids at the childminder, playgroup, school and in the street and I was happy playing by myself too. I didn’t get any more or less lonely once my sibling was born. The children in my street now play out together all the time including two who are only children and one who is about 9 with a baby sibling.

It was quite right for your nephew’s parents not to have another child just because your nephew asked, another human being is not a plaything and children should in an ideal world be created because they are wanted.

There is also of course no guarantee that siblings will play together or get on at all.

A lot of people are posting that everything is fine with one kid and the kid is fine.

I completely disagree. I remember my childhood and there were lonely children from one child families - kids that had every toy going, but nobody to play with.

My nephew begged and begged his parents to have more children. They didn't and he's palpably lonely.

There's an assumption that children need siblings to have someone to play with, to entertain them, to stop them being lonely.

In reality siblings are not guaranteed to get on and if they do get on they're not guaranteed to have similar interests.

For everyone peddling the lonely single children with lots of toys and no friends line, there's also plenty of siblings growing up with unhealthy sibling relationships/feeling like there's a golden child and a scapegoat/adults who have strained relationships with siblings.

If adults chose to have another child it should be because they both want to bring another child into the world and take responsibility for raising them in a loving and healthy household, not because some people in society have their silly idea that a younger sibling should be created to entertain the existing child.

I agree with this but arguably, your child isn't guaranteed friends who come round either. In which case, having a sibling would be amazing.

I think it depends, obviously. Some only children are lonely, and parents shouldn't take it personally. (I had a sibling yet she never played with me due to age gap).

Many are very happy - it's not like they've had a sibling then list them, it's just how their life is and there are also benefits to being an only.

I think many with siblings want to replicate those relationships and it's difficult to imagine not having them.

I have one child. Delighted with it.

Might have had another if I’d been younger. Might not. Didn’t really plan any of it. Just assumed I’d have kids. Or not. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to have children.