To only want one child

[Orangepen13]

We have a 14mo and I always imagined us having two so they have each other as siblings BUT I’m just not sure we can do it.

We adore her and she has made us a family, but those first 6 months were so hard. She cried so much, never wanted to be put down, slept so badly at night. It’s been getting steadily better and she’s a dream I’m the daytime now, but sleep is still hideous (waking anywhere from 2-5 times a night, every night) and we’re exhausted. We don’t have any family close by, so any sickness (hers or ours) means a lot of time off work and very little recovery time.

Neither of us can imagine having another right now. How do you even split your time?! How can you share that love, she needs so much from us as it is?!

I just feel so guilty not giving her a sibling. I can’t shake this feeling that we should be having another for her. Are we being selfish for just thinking about how tired we are?

Do what you want. There is no right or wrong answer. I was the firstborn and a demanding baby, due to colic. My younger sibling was an easier baby, but a more challenging teen.

If they'd stopped with me, they wouldn't have had grandchildren.

But then again, being/having an only child is a wonderful experience for many.

This is bizzare to me but you have completely described my life there! We have a 14 month old. Also want a second so he has a sibling. And I tell everyone that the first 6-7 months were extremely hard for us. I used to sleep 1-2 hrs for a while and then from 5-6 months it became 4 hours which seemed great. Now he's 14 months I get 5-6hrs a night which seems like a luxury, but I am still chronically over tired 😂 all of our family are abroad too. It's just me, DH and our little one. I feel exactly the same way. Would love to chat if you're interested as I don't know anyone else who can relate. Day time is great also for us as you say. But the nights can still be tough. Especially sickness and teething. I absolutely feel you and I'm sorry you're going through this, but selfishly it feels reassuring to know I'm not the only one.

Agree with so many of these posts. I really hope the narrative around having one child starts to change as it becomes more common (whether through circumstance or choice). I have one for a variety of reasons & as she gets older I feel it’s 100% the right decision. Of course I have anxieties about the future but I would if she had a sibling too. The whole ‘lonely only’ narrative is quite offensive really.
You only need to watch the news to see that sibling relationships aren’t always harmonious!

BigBleep
You're right about people with positive sibling relationships wanting to replicate them.

It definitely depends on the family and the individual children's interests and temperaments.

Going into having another child when a strong reason is something other than two parents actively wanting another child is a risk to me, whether it's having a second because the first will be lonely or having a 3rd because your spouse has pestered you into it and you think it will help the marriage, or you want to have a boy/girl, or you want to make sure you'll always have adult children around as you get older etc.
It seems like there's the real risk of parents being disappointed if the new child doesn't fulfil the reason they were born.

Also to add...I have 4 siblings as does my DH. Even though they're far and we don't see them often, we loved growing up with them and having them to talk to now. I have a few friends who were only children and there's not a single one of them that doesn't wish they had a sibling.

Pressed send too early 😂 that being said I don't think it's a good idea to have children just so an only child has a sibling, when you and partner are not ready and not prepared in terms of resources. That comes first. I do reckon a year down the line we will feel different, I have hope! I do already feel like I want a second one, yet I don't think I would be able to cope. Although with time I know things will get easier.

I'm sorry but I think these sorts of comments are so unhelpful. Hurtful, judgemental and narrow-minded but hidden in "scientific" anecdata.

Your nephew is an n of 1. You have no way of knowing if his loneliness is connected to being an only child. You're confusing correlation with causation. Similarly you seem to have made a judgement that all these only children were lonely but you clearly brought that lens to your evaluation of the situation.

Having siblings does not guarantee friendship. Many people have terrible relationships with their siblings.

That reasoning also applies to everybody justifying only having one child.

@ThisGirlNever 'justifying' having one child sounds so judgemental. Why should anyone has to justify the decision? That's the problem. This damaging narrative tends to be around choosing one child as it isn't the societal norm. A lot of people will sleep walk into the decision to have a second because its the 'done thing'. There are pros and cons to all family sizes. People should do what's right for them without having to justify their decision.

@ThisGirlNever

That reasoning also applies to everybody justifying only having one child.

Maybe, but when someone posts expressing feelings of "guilt" over not being able to provide a sibling for their child and describes how she has struggled with just one child, piling a load of additional, anecdotal and totally non-scientific guilt inducing reasons why she is wrong not to create more babies on her is tactless to put it mildly. What about the OP and her partner's quality of life? Do they not matter?

Don't decide now. It's very early days. Wait until your child is 3ish and see how you feel. The reality is that this time of no sleep will pass and your second child may be completely different. No rush as completely fine to have a bigger gap between the children.

I love that my three have each other. They're now 22, 24 and 25 and give immense support and guidance to each other .

For all the “I’ve got 4 siblings and we all hate each other” posts, you get lovely ones like this.

I wish I’d had a sibling. Yeah, we might have hatred each other, but equally, we might have been close and I wouldn’t be so alone now.

I'm sorry you feel alone. But this is kind of the nature of things. Happy siblings, unhappy siblings, happy single children, unhappy single children. All it means is that, whatever you do, life is complicated and there isn't a right way.

Be the best parents you can be and your child will be fine.
It really comes down to that. Some only children didn’t have parents who were interested in them, or fostering relationships outside the home. So they felt lonely.
Some parents produce kids to entertain each other so they don’t have to, and that doesn’t always work out well.
I have a very happy only who has never wanted a sibling, but we both make a big effort with hobbies and friends.

Completely 100% YANBU. My DD is almost 4 and I am only now in early pregnancy with our second. Our first was a horrendous sleeper, not helped by a traumatic forceps birth. We coped on a maximum of 60 minutes of unbroken sleep for 14 weeks before we sought help from a Sleep Consultant. I know it’s not for everyone but I’m begging you to at least talk to one before deciding it’s not for you. I honestly think it saved my life. Regardless of whether your LO’s sleep improves though you are not selfish to stop at 1. If anything, you are saving the planet as well as being able to provide all those extra resources to the one you do have!

There is totally nothing wrong with one child.

but the second is for most people easier and very different

your first you have no clue and feels so intense and stressful the second you know what your doing and there’s probably things you do differently.

illness is terrible in the first 18 months they catch everything and with there being Covid it’s been worse this year for most families.

its also why some people like to have a bit of a bigger gap so that the older one is a little more capable.

it’s a tough choice

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. If you start warming to the idea, start discussing it then.

I have 3 kids under 6 (third one was a huge shock when my second was 4 months old!) and the sleep is HORRIFIC. The youngest two just disturb each other constantly. I haven’t slept properly for years and it shows so sign of getting any better. I love my children more than anything and their bonds are so beautiful but I would never have chosen this exhausting horror! I can’t wait to feel like myself again.

I’m a mum of one. I can honestly say I don’t regret it for a minute. I don’t think I could have ever coped with two. You are not selfish at all

@Orangepen13 this is an important question and thank you for talking about it.
Many of the responses here have been truly helpful for people like me.
I was supposed to have twins but very early on in the pregnancy one of them just didn't make it. I have a healthy beautiful boy who is very active and social and would thrive with a sibling. I'm too old to have another child and I'm devastated that I can't give him his wingman.
He asks me sometimes for a brother or sister, but luckily he's got over ten cousins who can be family for a while. I see him wondering sometimes why he doesn't have a brother or sister like them though. It's really upsetting.

There's no right or wrong answer, it's whatever feels right for your family. I was an only child and never minded because I had lots of cousins to play with and made some very good friends, my hubby is one of three and none of them are close to each other.

Our DD had colic, lactose intolerance and reflux, she didn't sleep through the night until she was 2.5 and there was no way we could have coped with another while we were up and down for hours with her almost every night. We would've been happy with one but decided to try again and had a second who doesn't have any of those gastric issues and already sleeps better, but we had no way of predicting that and if we'd had one that slept well first we would've been in for a terrible shock if the 2nd hadn't.

Maybe revisit how you feel about another in a few months time but just enjoy the one you have now.

Thanks everyone! I think I got caught up in my friends considering having their second, and that “ideal” 2 year age gap so it felt like a now or never decision… which of course it isn’t!

so interesting to see a whole range of experiences, including that having siblings isn’t always great!

@RiceRiceBaby16 so glad you can relate! Send me a message if you like ☺️

Mine sounds a lot like yours but he's now 2.5 I am a single child and I loved it had many friends and cousins to keep me company. I'd be happy to not have more. It's really up to you you don't have to have more than one child

Gosh yes definitely not a decision you have to make now. I totally understand that you have found the baby stages very hard....it is hard and you definitely won't be alone in that! I found it incredibly hard and not sleeping is awful. You are completely normal to find is awful!! Don't rush any decisions! It's totally fine to just wait now and have as big a gap between children as you want (or leave it at one). I know plenty who have 3 or 4 or even 5 years apart. Is all good!

I love (and have always loved) having siblings but I simply don’t want another child.

One is enough for me, I love her to bits and I will give her everything.

I am so grateful for her. I still have to pinch myself sometimes, I can’t believe my luck!

My DD will never experience the sibling bond (I hope she finds something similar in a friendship/ partnership/ marriage one day), but she will experience our undivided love and attention.

Also she will be better off financially and get bigger inheritance.