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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want one child

103 replies

Orangepen13 · 08/01/2023 21:26

We have a 14mo and I always imagined us having two so they have each other as siblings BUT I’m just not sure we can do it.

We adore her and she has made us a family, but those first 6 months were so hard. She cried so much, never wanted to be put down, slept so badly at night. It’s been getting steadily better and she’s a dream I’m the daytime now, but sleep is still hideous (waking anywhere from 2-5 times a night, every night) and we’re exhausted. We don’t have any family close by, so any sickness (hers or ours) means a lot of time off work and very little recovery time.

Neither of us can imagine having another right now. How do you even split your time?! How can you share that love, she needs so much from us as it is?!

I just feel so guilty not giving her a sibling. I can’t shake this feeling that we should be having another for her. Are we being selfish for just thinking about how tired we are?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 08/01/2023 22:27

A child isn't a 'gift' you 'give' to another child. Having one child is totally fine.

RampantIvy · 08/01/2023 22:30

WallaceinAnderland · 08/01/2023 21:28

As if anyone is going to say YABU for a personal choice over your own reproduction.

An astonishing 16% do!
Why is it anyone else's business?

salzburginthesnow · 08/01/2023 22:36

How about a big age gap, if you have the benefit of time?

salzburginthesnow · 08/01/2023 22:37

Ofcourse there is nothing wrong with one either. I’m about only and very happy.

ily0 · 08/01/2023 22:42

This might go against the grain but I’d have hated to have been an only child and am so glad I had my sister. If it’s just the baby stage that’s stopping you that’s a tiny part of the whole parenting journey so that shouldn’t stop you if you envisioned having two.

ThisGirlNever · 08/01/2023 22:47

If you have one child, you're the entertainer. If your have more than one child, you're the usher...

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/01/2023 22:49

YANBU but personally I think having a sibling enriches your life/childhood experience.

VivaVivaa · 08/01/2023 22:50

Having one child is a completely legitimate and valid choice. As so many others are trotting out anecdotes, some of my most successful and sociable friends are only children and some of the happiest parents I know only have one child. I don’t recognise the desperately lonely and unhappy only child rhetoric at all, at least from my circle.

Having a second child for any other reason than ‘we want a second child’ is not a good choice. A child isn’t a ‘gift’ to give to an older one. Only have another if it’s what you want.

Im pregnant with number 2, there will be a 3.5 year age gap between mine because that’s the smallest I could cope with. It may be that further down the line you change your mind. It’s totally okay if you don’t though.

Benjispruce4 · 08/01/2023 22:51

Yanbu.

Benjispruce4 · 08/01/2023 22:52

Don’t have another child for the sake of the first child. Have another child because you want more. Not all siblings get along.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 08/01/2023 23:24

I felt the same but got broody when dd1 was 18 months old

IAmTheWalrus81 · 09/01/2023 07:09

Absolutely fine if that’s what you want but equally not a decision you have to make now, unless you’re looking to go for permanent contraception.

I felt a lot like you at 14m but got pregnant again 6 months later. There is a reason lots of people don’t have ‘2 under 2’.

MinnieMountain · 09/01/2023 07:23

Echoing PP- I dislike this “give my child a sibling” idea.
I’m one of 5 and none of us have close relationships.
We chose to have one. He’s 9 and a darn sight happier than I was at that age.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/01/2023 07:28

There’s no point in asking anyone else this question. If you don’t want another don’t have one.

savethatkitty · 09/01/2023 07:36

She's only 14 months old, why do you need to think about having another now? My oldest was a nightmare, I didn't even start thinking about having another baby until she was well over 3! There's no rush you don't have to have babies back to back!

MassiveSalad22 · 09/01/2023 07:39

Do you judge parents of only children from being selfish OP? Sounds like it, but we tend to judge ourselves more harshly than others, so hopefully not. There are pros and cons to all family set ups, all age gaps etc. There’s no right or wrong. Do what you want!

ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 09/01/2023 07:40

YANBU.

DS16 is an only child by mine and DH choice. Both of us come from larger families with 3+ siblings and never wanted the life that we had for DS.

Its entirely your decision.

Bunnycat101 · 09/01/2023 08:11

Is there a reason you’re worried about this now? It doesn’t have to be a choice of 2 year age gap or only child. At 14m I wouldn’t have been ready. By the time eldest was 2 I was.

That said, I think there are lots of pros to having an only. Your time just isn’t as divided.

Moxysright · 09/01/2023 08:18

No you do what is right for your situation. However like others have said your dc1 is still only very young and the sleep may resolved itself. You may feel differently in a few years but if you don’t that’s your choice and completely fine x

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 09/01/2023 08:19

Why would it be selfish to dedicate all your love and resources on one person rather than having to split between two? House prices here are insane and I assume will continue to go up, I plan to help DC when they are older and I will only be able to afford to do this with one child. I'm thinking long term (for me there's no guarantee of older siblings being friends so it's not worth the gamble). Only you can decide, but il very happy with my choice

Wibbly1008 · 09/01/2023 08:20

She is very young yet. Enjoy your baby and think about this later on.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 09/01/2023 08:21

We love our gang of 3. DD is 14 now and has had a great childhood. Me and DH have 6 siblings between us and although we have great relationships we opted for 1.

Can barely remember the baby stage now, but I do believe we would not have had the quality of life, in so many ways, we've had with 2 or more kids.

gogohmm · 09/01/2023 08:22

Personal choice.

Two children are not double the work, and typically the additional confidence you have second time around means they are easier but no guarantees.

I have 2, 2 years apart, it was hard but got easier after a couple of years

SmileWithADimple · 09/01/2023 08:24

YANBU at all, and this is becoming a much more common decision so your child won't feel 'different' in the way they might have done in our generation.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/01/2023 08:24

I just feel so guilty not giving her a sibling.

In the kindest possible way, you need a real wake-up here. You're punishing yourself. No one will judge you or think you are a worse mother (well, no one who isn't a moron). Your child will not feel hard done by.

Society bullies women horribly to have more children than they can afford or are comfortable with. Just don't stand for it.

If you don't want more, you shouldn't have more just to shut other people up. Be proud of being a good parent to one happy child and fuck what anyone else thinks.