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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think trackers on a teens phone is just wrong in most cases?

436 replies

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 17:32

Had a call from my dcs school on Friday. They are 16 in year 11. The receptionist said my dc hadn't been marked as attended to the last lesson and asked if I knew why, etc. It turned out my dd had crossed wires with the teacher in a mix-up, was on site, and it was all legitimate reasons, etc. Anyway, that's not the point in the thread.

The receptionist asked me, "Do you have a tracker on her phone?" When I said no, she gave me the impression I should have one (not just my dc but all teens). I find this so odd! Surely, there should be a certain level of trust when your 15/16 + teens go out. I dated this guy who had a tracker on his 15 year olds phone, his kid was only cycling to his mates house and was tracked, which I thought was ott.

Reasons a parent might track:

They live in an area with a very high crime rate where safety is a real high-risk issue.

Their dc are known to be in lots of trouble a lot of the time, often breaking the law.

They go "missing" for long periods and don't appear home when they are supposed to.

Not for teens just hanging out with their mates in a fairly safe town. Surely, as I said, a certain level of trust has to come in somewhere, and even if they do make mistakes, that's part of learning as you grow up. The thought of being "tracked" all the time by your parents just sounds odd to me!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 19:08

@Carpedimum

When will your need for peace of mind start diminishing?

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 19:09

Sarahcoggles · 08/01/2023 19:03

I have "find my phone" as part of family sharing on my teens' phones.
OP would you feel differently if your DD hadn't turned up safe and well? What if she hadn't gone to any more of her lessons, and hadn't come home that day, or that evening, or the next morning? You'd probably be on here advising all of us to get trackers.

Nope, I would have gone through the channels of police etc. The first thing an abductor would do is dump the phone, knowing they can be traced...

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 08/01/2023 19:09

My children are under two so fortunately this won’t be an issue for me for a few years but really interesting thread! Who knows how I’ll feel when they get older. I’m pretty sure teenage me would have hated this though and see it as an invasion of privacy. Certainly as an adult I would be incredibly uncomfortable if my DH suggested we could track each other’s phones even if it was only for emergencies. I’m finding it quite eye opening how many families use these apps as the norm though and so I’m wondering if I’ll feel completely differently when the DC get older and start to want a bit more independence.

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 19:09

As a family he and we occasionally find it useful and trust each other not to be snooping. 🤷🏻‍♀️

By why is it useful though?

What can you use it for that you can’t just use the phone to ring or text?

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 19:10

@MargaretThursday

Has this family never heard of Google maps?

PeekAtYou · 08/01/2023 19:10

I don't use tracking apps on my teens phones. They reply to messages and let me know if they are running late or want to stay out longer which works well for us.
Our school has a no phones switched on at school policy for years 7 to 11 so they wouldn't ask about a tracking app.

MincePiesAreMyJam · 08/01/2023 19:10

I track the very expensive pieces of tech that I've paid for, with the ability to find them and block them if they get lost. The fact that are invariably with my kids is mostly incidental. The only time I open Find My is when one of them can't find their phone and want me to ping it. When they have forked out their own cash for one, then it's up to them.

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 19:12

@OhmygodDont

Why not call and ask where you are, then find the location?

AnyOldThings · 08/01/2023 19:12

We use Life 360 and it was DD16 who suggested it. She can track me if I’m driving and needs to see if I’m on my way for her hobbies etc. Her and her friends are all in circles together. I can know where she is without bothering/interrupting her.

The world has moved on and this is how lots of teens keep family and friends updated. It’s odd to my Gen X brain but it’s just how teens seem to do things now.

So I’d say YABU as trackers are not always about mistrust. They don’t stop us letting teens figure out their own mistakes (I know this as DD recently got the bus in the wrong direction but figured it out herself way before I’d tracked her to know about it). They are often just about safety and convenience.

Original poster
Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 19:12

For clarity, I'm not referring to phones that have "find my phone" on them to, well, find my phone, and used never, other than to find a lost phone.

I'm referring to tracker apps specifically to track 15/16 year + kids to track where they are, with exemptions from what I referred to in my op.

OP posts:
multivac · 08/01/2023 19:13

What can you use it for that you can’t just use the phone to ring or text?

Um, sometimes we CBA to ring or text. HTH.

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 19:14

Trackers are great for parents’ peace of mind and finding lost phones.

Yes one bonus is if you lose the phone you can find it but I think the ‘cost’ of having a tracker isn’t worth this.

I think the ‘peace of mind’ is exactly the issue and it’s pushing the parents anxiety into the kids which is why we have a generation of young people with massive anxiety and MH issues.

MargaritMargo · 08/01/2023 19:14

I’d put a tracker microchip in my kids neck if I could!!!

if you read or listen to any true crime then you’d understand my paranoia.

secret tracking is a no no but otherwise I think it’s fine, from a safety perspective it’s a no brainer

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 19:15

Um, sometimes we CBA to ring or text. HTH.

That’s just weird.

MincePiesAreMyJam · 08/01/2023 19:15

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 19:14

Trackers are great for parents’ peace of mind and finding lost phones.

Yes one bonus is if you lose the phone you can find it but I think the ‘cost’ of having a tracker isn’t worth this.

I think the ‘peace of mind’ is exactly the issue and it’s pushing the parents anxiety into the kids which is why we have a generation of young people with massive anxiety and MH issues.

I dunno, I can't afford at all to replace them, so no chance am I letting them into the wild without at least a fighting chance of finding them.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 08/01/2023 19:16

People are sleep walking into a dystopian nightmare. There is absolutely no way I'd allow anyone to track my whereabouts, my children, partner or anyone else. Why would I? My phone already is a walking siren to all the tech companies, I'm not allowing my family and friends to start that nonsense.

MarshaBradyo · 08/01/2023 19:16

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 19:14

Trackers are great for parents’ peace of mind and finding lost phones.

Yes one bonus is if you lose the phone you can find it but I think the ‘cost’ of having a tracker isn’t worth this.

I think the ‘peace of mind’ is exactly the issue and it’s pushing the parents anxiety into the kids which is why we have a generation of young people with massive anxiety and MH issues.

Big assumptions here. Some dc are the opposite of anxious and are trusted. It’s not constantly on, there might be a few occasions a year where it’s handy.

NancyJoan · 08/01/2023 19:17

My 16 yr old DD tracks her friends on Snapmaps, and we have each other on Life 360. She knows where I am when she gets home from school, I know where she is if she goes out all day in our city, so I don’t need to worry, or bug her with texts/calls checking in.
DH and I use it too-he cycles for hours, in the countryside. There have been times when he’s needed me to collect him after a tumble, and Life 360 has directed me straight to him.

It’s okay not to track your teen, OP, and my family are also okay with knowing where we all are. My teen has plenty of secrets and plenty of privacy.

TooBigForMyBoots · 08/01/2023 19:18

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 18:41

Scan and go handy as it saves on time. You can pack as you go, and you can get money off. So the tech is good.

Tracking in the circumstances from most of the pro posters on this thread are for silly reasons which, on the whole, prevent teenagers from thinking for themselves. Teens are at an age where making mistakes and learning how to solve them is vital, but they won't learn if parents are making it ultra easy to just mess up and be bailed out easily every time.

Show quote history

The tracker I have is just that, a tracker. Not a babysitter, not a miracle worker for keeping teens out of trouble.

There's a child murderer in the vicinity of DS's school route. They haven't been caught because of a lazy, corrupt, ineffective police force. If DS goes missing, I'll know his last seen location and the police are less likely to fob me off for days as they did Fiona Donahoe.Angry

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 19:18

if you read or listen to any true crime then you’d understand my paranoia.

Due to past trauma I have massive anxiety and paranoia over my child being kidnapped or coming to some sort of harm - but it’s for this reason that I don’t teach her as that is me putting my anxiety on to her just to make myself feel better.

I know it’s completely irrational as if she gets kidnapped there is no way they would let her keep her phone on her and would get rid of it straight away.

They can also be very inaccurate and could easily lead to heightened anxiety.

MrsDooDaa · 08/01/2023 19:20

Interesting discussion and obviously a very personal decision.

I'm with the OP. It not for me or my teens for reasons already stated. Plus I would not be happy about normalising tracking in young relationships when my DC start dating.

Just asked my 10 year old what she thought and her response was 'it's a bit stalkerish'

itsabigtree · 08/01/2023 19:20

I'd have hated to have been tracked as a teen and would have been desperate to move out.

So I can't imagine that I'll do that with mine when they're that age... but who knows, technology will have advanced greatly and again what we see as normal will have shifted once more!

youshouldnthaveasked · 08/01/2023 19:20

I use one on my nearly 13 year
olds phone so I know my daughter has made it home safe from school when I’m at work

Anotheranonymousname · 08/01/2023 19:21

I have a 13-yr-old and an 18-yr-old, don't track them and can't currently see a time when I would want that to change. Because we don't all have iphones anyway, the iphone-specific tracking function isn't relevant to us but actually, my preference is for my teens to get in touch when they need/want to, to judge situations and make decisions about who to contact. We're in London and eldest regularly travels home on public transport (or on foot) late at night. She shares her location with her closest friends on Snapmaps anyway (and they have my number so could get in touch if need be) but occasionally shares her location with me via WhatsApp if she's trying to suggest a place to meet or feels unsure. Most of her friends are in iphone families and they do track each other but our approach works for us... and it means I avoid the panic feeling if she goes off-grid, battery runs out etc.

RoseMartha · 08/01/2023 19:21

I think it depends on the teen and your family set up / relationship and needs.

We use find my iphone so I can see where they are if necessary. I dont use it all the time but eldest has sn and both have mh issues and can just go awol out of the blue. The eldest also has a tendency to want to meet people she has met online and has snuck out to do this. Find my iphone was very helpful.

As a general thing for families without additional needs I have two friends with teen dd's who have the 360 app. And my sister and family all use the find my iphone with each other including the parents and adult children who live at home. Because they want to know each other are safe.