Page 13 | To think trackers on a teens phone is just wrong in most cases?

Roseberry1 · 2023-01-08T17:32:48+00:00

Had a call from my dcs school on Friday. They are 16 in year 11. The receptionist said my dc hadn't been marked as attended to the last lesson and asked if I knew why, etc. It turned out my dd had crossed wires with the teacher in a mix-up, was on site, and it was all legitimate reasons, etc. Anyway, that's not the point in the thread. The receptionist asked me, "Do you have a tracker on her phone?" When I said no, she gave me the impression I should have one (not just my dc but all teens). I find this so odd! Surely, there should be a certain level of trust when your 15/16 + teens go out. I dated this guy who had a tracker on his 15 year olds phone, his kid was only cycling to his mates house and was tracked, which I thought was ott. Reasons a parent might track: They live in an area with a very high crime rate where safety is a real high-risk issue. Their dc are known to be in lots of trouble a lot of the time, often breaking the law. They go "missing" for long periods and don't appear home when they are supposed to. Not for teens just hanging out with their mates in a fairly safe town. Surely, as I said, a certain level of trust has to come in somewhere, and even if they do make mistakes, that's part of learning as you grow up. The thought of being "tracked" all the time by your parents just sounds odd to me!

Danni7297 · 08/01/2023 22:48

We have life 360 too. My daughter has a 10 minute walk to the bus that goes into town and then 15 minute walk to school and back again. Sometimes she gets the bus home alone.
She also does a lot of sports after school, with the school. They aren’t allowed their phones on or to use them but I can see how far away she is when she heads back and when to pick her up because timings they give can be an hour difference either way depending on how the competitions go.

If me or her dad are on our way to pick her up she can see where we are, especially if we get stuck in traffic (she has friends who live 30+ minutes away in normal traffic) as obviously we can’t use our phones whilst driving.

also got a call one morning to say she hadn’t arrived at school. I checked the app and could see her ‘running’ in to school and that her bus had been late to her stop. So I didn’t panic and worry about her.

same when her bus was late and I had text her but had no reply and she didn’t answer my call (silent mode from being in school) I could see her at the bus stop. Although she knows she should contact me.

It may not work for some people but it works well for us as a family. My daughter feels safer having it and we feel more at ease when she is off out incase we do need it. I don’t check it often, only when I need to. She has more than enough freedom and independence.

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 22:48

Maybe one is cooking so they can eat as a family, before they go off to work?

I gave the example of my husband tracking me so he can have my food ready when I'm home because on certain nights I do tutoring in the evening. I have a narrow window in which to eat before I start tutoring, so we can eat as a family.

So why can’t you text and say you are leaving now?

Surely if you have a very narrow window it’s better that the dinner is ready, rather than him keep needing to check the tracker to see where you are.

I’m not having a dig but it takes more effort for him to use the tracker, especially if your finish times vary, than it would for you to text him so he can put it on and it’s guaranteed to be ready for when you walk through the door, even if you ran late.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/01/2023 22:49

GelPens1 · 08/01/2023 22:29

I’m in my 20s and I’m so glad phone trackers weren’t a thing when I was a teen. My parents trusted me so I always told them where I was going and who I was with. This builds trust and independence. If a teen misses their bus or train then they can wait for another. They can text their parents to let them know they’ll be late. Why is a tracker needed?

I’ve heard that couples do this too and I think it’s strange and very intrusive. Each to their own I guess.

But if you are a family that uses trackers there is no NEED to text home and say you'll be late. There is no need to even have a time as a parent to expect them home - what if they haven't decided what time train they're going to get and don't want to be pinned down to having to tell their parents whaat their intention is. Let them go out and come home when they've had enough. If you have a tracker you can see where they are if it's getting late, there is no need to even HAVE a conversation about train times or missing one. There is no bothering them, they can actually be much more independent in their decision-making because you can just leave them to it and if you have any concerns that they are out much later than you thought they might be you can just check their location. You can see that they're still in McDonalds or heading towards the bus stop or about to get off the bus etc.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/01/2023 22:51

So why can’t you text and say you are leaving now? God I'd find it so tedious to have to do that all the time. That feels more controlling to me, that expectation that I should do that.

Original poster

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 22:53

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/01/2023 22:40

Well, precisely! Why WOULD they even know they're on a night out? I can guarantee that if any families still use Find My Iphone with each other when one has gone to uni, then unless they're an abusive and overprotective parent, they aren't going to be using it to check their whereabouts constantly. There is no need for the most part- they are at uni doing uni things and hopefully having fun.

Most times with DS I haven't got a clue where he is, it's not like I constantly track DS obsessively and check he's in his own beddy-bo's every night - what an odd and creepy thought. As I said earlier, if I DO want to contact him (usually once or twice a week for a quick catch up) I generally check his location first (if I haven't had a response from whatsapp) as usually that would tell me that he's not in his room and so off doing something and it's not a good time to call. Occasionally I might notice he IS out, but do you really think I then sit fretting over him all night till I can see him back in his room?! He usually just whatsapps back a few hours later/next morning "Was out at football".

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If you've tried to contact him via WhatsApp and he hasn't responded, why would you then check his location? What if he was in his room, but just didn't want to chat? Would you call him if you saw him in his room? What if he didn't answer?

Sorry for the questions but if someone's tried to contact and no answer, you wait until they get back to you (within reason.) You don't then track their location, they might not want to talk at that moment, wherever they are.

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toocold54 · 08/01/2023 22:54

God I'd find it so tedious to have to do that all the time. That feels more controlling to me, that expectation that I should do that.

No of course you don’t need to do that and most couples have no idea what time their partners are getting home.

But my reply was to a poster who said she needs her dinner on the table as soon as she gets home as she needs to leave again soon but her finish times vary.

So in that situation you would send a text as that means your DH needs to keep checking his phone to see if you’ve left work yet or not.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/01/2023 22:54

@MarshaBradyo has said everything I believe / do, too! (And shown admirable restraint in dealing with an irritating OP)

OP, like others have said, families & life circumstances differ. You have made sweeping assumptions - and also refer to 'trackers' as if they are some nefarious & illicit device, when the term is really used to refer to phone features that can be used in various ways to check location - mainly that anyone using a tracker inherently is raising a child they don't trust, who is pathetically lacking in independence & has an over-controlling parent.

None of this can be gleaned by a family's decision to use certain apps / phone features.

In my family, the eldest two DC have phones & I use Find my iPhone with the eldest (as she has one, my second DC has an android phone), and Snapchat location sharing for both. I don't often need it, especially with my eldest who is quite predictable about where she goes. With my 2nd DC, he's a nightmare with answering his phone so I might use it if he's with pals & I'm not reaching him, and I'll see he's down at our local GAA grounds playing sports, and hence no answer.

They can equally see where I am, helpful if I'm busy at work & they are checking if I have left yet.

Why are you so strident about other's choices?

JassyRadlett · 08/01/2023 22:56

So why can’t you text and say you are leaving now?

Surely if you have a very narrow window it’s better that the dinner is ready, rather than him keep needing to check the tracker to see where you are.

I mean I don't have a window into PP's life but I imagine the answer is something like 'she could, but they find this easier' and 'your surelys are not the same as other people's surelys.'

cotsma · 08/01/2023 22:56

So why can’t you text and say you are leaving now?
@toocold54

I do, but I also live rurally and traffic can be very unreliable - Windy A roads with few places to overtake.

Get stuck behind a tractor can add 25 mins to my journey, on Friday a burst water pipe meant a several mile detour, living in a tourist area can mean that a road that takes 5 mins to get down in winter can take up to 40 in height of tourist season. Doing the same journey can take anywhere between 30 mins and an hour... I explained this in my first post. I ideally, I like to have time to prepare for the lesson, so it works to have tea ready. But as I have already said, phoning before I leave makes no difference it is the length of the commute that's unreliable and it's not safe to call whilst driving,

Original poster

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 22:57

Pleasebeafleabite · 08/01/2023 22:48

OP lives in the dark ages

you crack on with your mangle OP

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Na, a mangle is far too advanced for me... I still use the river... 😉

OP posts:

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 23:00

I do, but I also live rurally and traffic can be very unreliable - Windy A roads with few places to overtake.

I live in Cornwall so completely understand but if you only have a narrow window to eat your dinner then surely it’s better that it’s cooked and ready for when you to come in.
Even if you are late you can warm it up.

If you ring/text to say you are leaving then I can’t see how the tracker makes much difference and it ends up being an inconvenience as your DH is having to check it every 5 mins to see if you are stuck in traffic or not.

Original poster

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 23:01

EarringsandLipstick · 08/01/2023 22:54

@MarshaBradyo has said everything I believe / do, too! (And shown admirable restraint in dealing with an irritating OP)

OP, like others have said, families & life circumstances differ. You have made sweeping assumptions - and also refer to 'trackers' as if they are some nefarious & illicit device, when the term is really used to refer to phone features that can be used in various ways to check location - mainly that anyone using a tracker inherently is raising a child they don't trust, who is pathetically lacking in independence & has an over-controlling parent.

None of this can be gleaned by a family's decision to use certain apps / phone features.

In my family, the eldest two DC have phones & I use Find my iPhone with the eldest (as she has one, my second DC has an android phone), and Snapchat location sharing for both. I don't often need it, especially with my eldest who is quite predictable about where she goes. With my 2nd DC, he's a nightmare with answering his phone so I might use it if he's with pals & I'm not reaching him, and I'll see he's down at our local GAA grounds playing sports, and hence no answer.

They can equally see where I am, helpful if I'm busy at work & they are checking if I have left yet.

Why are you so strident about other's choices?

In a lot of cases, they aren't healthy choices when we have a generation of dc with increasing levels of anxiety and mh issues.

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/01/2023 23:02

Also, teens do lie, because they are testing boundaries, and it's healthy to do so. Who hasn't said they're at Xs house when really they're at Ys. It's part of growing up.

But a tracker doesn't give you any REAL information anyway unless you literally have it on all the time and sit obsessively watching the movement. If my 16 year old is gone off with his mates all afternoon I fully expect him not to stay in one spot. I don't expect him to text me to ask for permission to go to a different friend's house and I know the addresses of all his friends. So for all I know he could have gone to the house of an axe murderer or be sitting snorting coke in a dealer's house, because I don't know who lives at every location he might go. LIkewise, the example of needing to just "sit in a field drinking with mates", unless you have a camera on them too, for all you know they've gone to a field to play football or meet other friends. I don't see how a tracker would stop them doing this? . Parents don't tend to ring their kid up and say "You were supposed to be going to Harry's house but I notice you're now somewhere in a field in Hampshire - what the hell do you think you're playing at?"

Original poster

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 23:03

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/01/2023 23:02

Also, teens do lie, because they are testing boundaries, and it's healthy to do so. Who hasn't said they're at Xs house when really they're at Ys. It's part of growing up.

But a tracker doesn't give you any REAL information anyway unless you literally have it on all the time and sit obsessively watching the movement. If my 16 year old is gone off with his mates all afternoon I fully expect him not to stay in one spot. I don't expect him to text me to ask for permission to go to a different friend's house and I know the addresses of all his friends. So for all I know he could have gone to the house of an axe murderer or be sitting snorting coke in a dealer's house, because I don't know who lives at every location he might go. LIkewise, the example of needing to just "sit in a field drinking with mates", unless you have a camera on them too, for all you know they've gone to a field to play football or meet other friends. I don't see how a tracker would stop them doing this? . Parents don't tend to ring their kid up and say "You were supposed to be going to Harry's house but I notice you're now somewhere in a field in Hampshire - what the hell do you think you're playing at?"

Unfortunately some would 😕

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B1rds · 08/01/2023 23:04

Normal these days. No need to text and hassle people if you can see where they are and ok getting home therefore. I have nothing to hide, so happy for my DC to see if I'm on way home or whatever.

HollywoodDream · 08/01/2023 23:05

Have Find my iPhone on DS recently bought £1000 phone, just incase he loses it, we can find the area it’s in, or remotely turn it off.

Conkersinautumn · 08/01/2023 23:05

I wouldn't use a tracker on a teenager, it's an overreach and an invasion of privacy. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have prevented nor from being savvy enough to have a second phone or just leave the phone with a friend. The more you tighten the thumbscrews the more they will be creative. Teens do need space, if you don't allow it they will still create it. It just pushes them to greater lengths and risks.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/01/2023 23:09

In a lot of cases, they aren't healthy choices when we have a generation of dc with increasing levels of anxiety and mh issues.

You are collating, with zero evidence, use of a practical tech tool, with anxiety & MH issues.

Where's the link? What makes you think there is one?

My kids don't have either - am I ok to use these tech options? 🤔

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/01/2023 23:10

Roseberry1 · 08/01/2023 22:53

If you've tried to contact him via WhatsApp and he hasn't responded, why would you then check his location? What if he was in his room, but just didn't want to chat? Would you call him if you saw him in his room? What if he didn't answer?

Sorry for the questions but if someone's tried to contact and no answer, you wait until they get back to you (within reason.) You don't then track their location, they might not want to talk at that moment, wherever they are.

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Yes, and that does happen. It often means he's stuck into a piece of difficult work or gone for a shower or something. What I meant was, if I don't get a response then I would probably check his location to see if I'm likely to get a response at any time that evening or whether I'd just go to bed. If he's out somewhere then I'd probably just leave it if it was getting late, and I'd just go to bed and call the next day or something. If I don't get a response but his phone seems to be in his room I'll assume as I've just said that he's doing work/in the shower/on his X box. I don't then keep pestering him, I would only get worried if he didn't phone/message me back at some point the next day.

It's really not about "tracking their location", it's more about giving me an inkling whether we're likely to be having a chat that evening or not or whether I should then facetime my mum instead or have an early night/start watching something on Netflix.

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 23:11

You are collating, with zero evidence, use of a practical tech tool, with anxiety & MH issues.

Where's the link? What makes you think there is one?

My kids don't have either - am I ok to use these tech options?

Tell you kids they need to leave their phones at home when they go out for the next few weeks.

Then you can see if they have anxiety or not.

JassyRadlett · 08/01/2023 23:13

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 23:00

I do, but I also live rurally and traffic can be very unreliable - Windy A roads with few places to overtake.

I live in Cornwall so completely understand but if you only have a narrow window to eat your dinner then surely it’s better that it’s cooked and ready for when you to come in.
Even if you are late you can warm it up.

If you ring/text to say you are leaving then I can’t see how the tracker makes much difference and it ends up being an inconvenience as your DH is having to check it every 5 mins to see if you are stuck in traffic or not.

This insistence that you know better than the PP what works best for her, in her specific situation and in her specific life, is really weird.

'Surely' (there's that word again, only I'm using it with irony) you get that other people are different from you and don't share your negative feelings or ideas that it's hugely time consuming and/or intrusive and/or controlling about occasional use of a piece of technology?

happinessischocolate · 08/01/2023 23:15

My kids don't have trackers I just check their locations on Snapchat 🤷‍♀️ they're 18 and 21 😁

They were both here last night when I went to bed, got up this morning and they were both missing, looked at Snapchat and could see one was at her bf house and the other was at his mates house.

It's nice to know they're okay and it saves me texting.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/01/2023 23:15

toocold54 · 08/01/2023 23:11

You are collating, with zero evidence, use of a practical tech tool, with anxiety & MH issues.

Where's the link? What makes you think there is one?

My kids don't have either - am I ok to use these tech options?

Tell you kids they need to leave their phones at home when they go out for the next few weeks.

Then you can see if they have anxiety or not.

What do you mean?

They'd go mad! But not because they are 'anxious' - because they are teens & indelibly wedded to them.

If they are out, they are using them to listen to music, pay for coffee & meet friends.

Which of us happily leaves our phone at home deliberately either?

It's nothing to do with anxiety, just the fact that most of us live a lot of our lives on our phones (in fact I barely bring anything with me other than my phone. I use it to pay for everything. Maybe my EarPods & lipgloss 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Your post has to be one of silliest on this thread. By some margin.

Cakeyface123 · 08/01/2023 23:15

sunshineandsuddenshowers · 08/01/2023 17:44

We are all linked so can all see where each other are all the time. I’ve just looked to see where 13 yesr old is, actually - is late home but Incan see is on train so I don’t have to bother her, or worry. as a mutual thing I think is great

Yep, same here too

Sandydune · 08/01/2023 23:15

My daughter had Life 360. It was installed after negotiations to give her more freedom. It’s a great and really useful app, but hard to sell that to a teen. In the end she threw her head up, took it off her phone and there was nothing I could do short of refuse to pay for her phone, which might have been to harsh.
To be honest it caused a lot of hassle in knowing how to deal with friends’ parents - we knew far more about what sort of things they were up to, but I think a lot of parents were more naive.
Another poster mentioned someone who never came home in NI - I tried to convince DD that ultimately this was our main concern, not ‘stalking’ her.
I do know other teens who like the fact that there is a safety net and they don’t have to keep checking in with parents all the time.
On the other hand, I now have a different group on the app with MY parents. I could end up regretting that as they are prone to commenting on where I’ve been each week.🙄