To think trackers on a teens phone is just wrong in most cases?

[Roseberry1]

Had a call from my dcs school on Friday. They are 16 in year 11. The receptionist said my dc hadn't been marked as attended to the last lesson and asked if I knew why, etc. It turned out my dd had crossed wires with the teacher in a mix-up, was on site, and it was all legitimate reasons, etc. Anyway, that's not the point in the thread.

The receptionist asked me, "Do you have a tracker on her phone?" When I said no, she gave me the impression I should have one (not just my dc but all teens). I find this so odd! Surely, there should be a certain level of trust when your 15/16 + teens go out. I dated this guy who had a tracker on his 15 year olds phone, his kid was only cycling to his mates house and was tracked, which I thought was ott.

Reasons a parent might track:

They live in an area with a very high crime rate where safety is a real high-risk issue.

Their dc are known to be in lots of trouble a lot of the time, often breaking the law.

They go "missing" for long periods and don't appear home when they are supposed to.

Not for teens just hanging out with their mates in a fairly safe town. Surely, as I said, a certain level of trust has to come in somewhere, and even if they do make mistakes, that's part of learning as you grow up. The thought of being "tracked" all the time by your parents just sounds odd to me!

Ok it’s not going anywhere I find your reaction weird.

Quote someone else, I’m out.

My daughter was assaulted in 2021, I blamed myself, I felt like I hadn't cared, been there, looked out for her enough.
At that point I used a tracker and justified it as keeping her safe...it's taken me a while to realise it was 100% for me. The only way I felt calm was when I knew where she was at all times.
It wasn't good for either of us.
We still have trackers. It was always equal, she could see me and I could see her but now we use randomly like if I'm picking her up from college she's an idea where I am, or out shopping if we've split up etc.
How we used to use it was negative, but as with every tool, it's how you use it that matters

We have find friends as a family, everyone gives permission and helps put our minds at ease. The teens can also see where I am at any one time so they don’t worry if I’m later for whatever reason. We’ve always said it’s their choice whether they want to be part and so far they’re happy to be

And you think removing a single function on their phone will fix all these issues?

There is obviously A LOT more going on these young persons lives and /or families.

"A 17/18 year old should be fine navigating public transport like peers their age have done for decades, even late."

Again total lack of understanding how rural life is. Our last bus is at 6pm.

With 15 miles to the nearest town, Fast A roads and no pavements. There literally is no way a 17 year old could make their own way home here late.

OP you really do need to realise that not everyone has these facilities available to them, and different people have different needs. It's really not that difficult

I think you’re massively over thinking this.

That was in response to the poster who lived in London. As I said earlier in the thread, if they miss the last form of public transport, they can easily call to say so.

Or they can get a train rather than Uber

ok last one uf you stop referring to me, hopefully! Too frustrating to bother.

Haven't read all of this but we as family all share our locations via Google maps - so we can all see where the rest of family (or their phones if misplaced) are. Saves lots of phone calls to find out of their school bus is running late (the route home goes over a bridge that is a notorious bottleneck) & if Grandma (who lives 10 mins walk away but ears with us most nights) is on her way.

When they leave home then they'll have the option to be removed from the map (& us from theirs) but as long as they need collecting from places / feeding supper /we're paying for their phone contracts then we'll all keep sharing.

Reading this thread has made me realise why so many people have unhealthy boundaries and relationships. There is zero need to track where a teen or adult is just call/text them if you need to know - people need freedom and privacy and it's absolutely crazy the absolute need for reassurance constantly. This can only lead to anxiety - if my partner suggested they track me, I'd run a mile, if my child needed to be reassured where I was as a teen, I'd get them therapy.

This thread is insanity but it seems so normalised.

I have a tracking app on DD13s phone, with her full knowledge and agreement. It's because I have the app that I am more comfortable letting her increase her independence - she gets to go out with her friends and I know that I have the option to check where she is if I need to.

ExDH and I have a 50/50 custody agreement and DD spends every other week at her dad's house. She also gets herself between our houses, school and her extra curricular activities mostly by herself via public transport. Having the tracking app means I can check she is where she is supposed to be remotely, but I don't do it for the sake of it, I just check if there's a reason to, like if DD is late to a meeting or calls up saying she's lost or I need to know where she is to go and collect her.

For example, if it's ExDHs week and Im at work when a coworker arrives late and says that they were late because there was a snafu with the buses in town, I can use the app to check that DD is at her Spanish lesson because I know she would have been on the bus into town to get there ... A 30 second check that DDs location is the tutoring centre and I know DD is safe at her class, not on the side of the road and I can go back to work.

Another time I had to track her was during the school holidays when DD had gone out with friends and her consultant had a last minute cancellation. She had an appointment booked for 3 weeks time (that we'd waited 4 months for) but he could see her that afternoon if we could get there. The hospital is a 1hr drive away and the appointment was for 2hra time so I needed to get hold of DD asap. When I tried calling DD she didn't answer, presumably because she was having fun with her friends, so I tracked her phone to find out where she was so I could start heading to where she was while also trying to call her. That meant that when she did finally answer and I told her I was on my way to pick her up I was only 5 minutes away, as opposed to 20minutes away as I was originally, and could arrange for her to walk to a convenient pick up point and be on our way ASAP.

My 15yo has one. She mostly uses it to track when I'm on my way home from work. It's no big deal as we're all happy with it.

Yes, and the notion that your kid has independence and freedom but could also have their whereabouts tracked 24/7 is not freedom at all.

True independence and freedom is being enabled to go off and navigate your day, solving any issues that may arise and having the freedom to make the decision for yourself if you need help.

"There is zero need to track where a teen or adult is just call/text them if you need to know - people need freedom and privacy and it's absolutely crazy the absolute need for reassurance constantly."

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat

I do use the tracker to find my dad who has Alzheimer's and has a tendency to wander, and doesn't always know where he ends up. Should I just let my dad end up wherever and not able to get home. People with Alzheimer's have died from wandering and then getting exposure:

Are you really sure there is zero reason to track an adult?

Sometimes there is very good reasons for tracking adults, you know like keeping them alive.

www.brightfocus.org/alzheimers/news/staying-safe-wandering-and-alzheimers-patient

Oh and btw, tracking devices is recommended with people with Alzheimer's

Invest in a GPS or similar wearable tracking device that makes it possible to monitor a person’s whereabouts and help you locate him quickly. Shoes, watches, necklaces, and ankle bracelets are being manufactured with these devices and can be purchased from vendor websites (see Resources section at the end of this brochure).

So far from there being zero reason to track an adult, there can be a wide range of very valid reasons.

Cotsma, does he remember to take his phone with him when he wanders? My friends parents with dementia/Alzheimer's have always wandered without anything, barely wearing clothes. If patients are at the latter stages of the disease I'd probably expect full time care and not a phone tracker.

I do however, change my position to 'very limited' reasons to track teens/adults via phone.

I don't think anyone would argue that someone with Alzheimers wouldn't need a tracker. I'm guessing the poster who said "any adult" was referring to adults without severe memory loss/danger if out alone... but then I think you knew that...

We have a family tracking app. We live rurally and the DC get a train to school with a walk either end. It helps me know when to drive to meet the train and the DC know that I’ve left home to get them. That’s all we use it for!

Yeah but the PP you were responding to was talking about her own convenience and the convenience of the wider family.

Eg - just because you never had an issue having dinner ready at the optimal time doesn't mean it isn't an issue for anyone, ever. A PP has pointed out that it's safer/easier/less time consuming to check where in their partner's commute they are so they can have dinner ready at the best time. Better than calling someone when driving or packed on a busy train, no one is invading anyone else's privacy or anything. It works for them, it makes their lives a little easier. They managed before, sure. Is that a reason not to go for the thing than makes it slightly better?

I'm really not sure about your method of erecting arbitrary barriers to Make Teens Learn, which seems to be very technology-driven. Or are you really saying that if you were at the train station and saw your teen board the wrong train, you wouldn't shout out to them (or god forbid text them) to tell them 'you're going the wrong way, you numpty' because it was more important for them to be stranded at Leytonstone at 1am so they could Learn A Valuable Lesson?

Like I say - my kids aren't at this point yet, DS1 will get a phone soon aged 11 and I'll have tracking enabled for at least the first few years. DH and I don't use it with each other but I'd have no issue if DH wanted to check whether we'd left football yet, or whatever.

But just because I only use it in a very limited way doesn't mean I can't see it would be useful for others.

We have Family sharing on Find my Iphone for each other and find it useful. It's especially useful when I get home from work (time varies) and DH has a hot cup of tea waiting for me!

DS1 is away at uni and always in lectures or labs or supervisions. If we want to facetime him I just check he's in his room first so I'm not interrupting him. He's not bothered. If he asked me to not "follow" him anymore I wouldn't but he's very laidback about that sort of thing. He's always out and about at different places and he and I just don't think anything of it, it's simply a useful tool to us and I'm not terribly interested in where he goes, it's just mainly handy for practical reasons. If he didn't leave his room for days and didn't answer our calls then that would be my cue to phone the porter's lodge to ask them to do a welfare check. When we visit and we meet up with him in town it's handy to know where he's waiting for us because I don't know the city very well yet. It's also useful when I've been to pick him up at the end of term etc and he can come and meet us at the car with some bags of stuff. Or know how far away I am and roughly when he needs to get ready to come and meet me.

For DS2 who is 16 he goes into the city centre to meet his mates and it's handy to know when he's on the bus home.

My mum shares her location too, v handy if she's visiting us as she's always later than she says she will be so if means if I need to nip to the corner shop I can do it without worrying I'll miss her arriving. etc etc

To be honest, I think this was probably an argument for not carrying a mobile phone when they first came out. Oh, there's no privacy - you're always contactable when you have a mobile phone!

For DS2 who is 16 he goes into the city centre to meet his mates and it's handy to know when he's on the bus home.

There wouldn't be any need for me to be at the station in person or via a tracker, as if they are old enough to get the train by themselves, they are old enough to check they are on the right platform. And you only ever "end up stranded in Leytonstone" once!

Much like my dB who missed his coach from town to take him to the airport years ago, and he had to drive to the next town to try and catch it (luckily the coach stopped at different stops along the way so dB could get there first.) He only ever missed a coach ONCE though because from then on he was really conscious to plan and be on time/the correct place.

"I do however, change my position to 'very limited' reasons to track teens/adults via phone."

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat
@Roseberry1

At the moment, yes he does take his phone, so it's easy to find him. When he starts forgetting this, I'll have no hesitation in putting trackers into his clothes and shoes.

But far from being "zero reason" I actually think it's a continuum, with those who have a definite need (adults with dementia, learning difficulties etc) through to those who have a fair amount of need (perhaps more vulnerable teens and adults, those with autism etc who struggle to cope in changing situations etc) through to those with a little need (E.g, rural living with limited phone reception / transport if plans go awry) to no need at all.

I agree that constantly checking trackers is probably not healthy, but having them there in times of need can actually be quite sensible (see my past posts for a variety of examples I have given when it has really helped)

There is a difference between having find my iPhone tracker and constantly tracking it. As I said in my first post, we have it but rarely use it (unless a need, like working out what time to leave to pick my child up from a school trip) and my children use it to track us far more than we use it to track them.

It's not black and white, there's a whole continuum of grey, with lots of valid (and some invalid) reasons in between.

Thanks I can’t reply to op as too frustrating but yeh it happened once. So Lesson Learnt and all that is just weird.

I thought you "were out" of this thread as you proclaimed earlier? 🙄