Just turned 17 Yr old dd having sex

[PleaseAdviseMeHowToApproachThis]

Dd has a boyfriend for the past 5 months. He's a nice enough lad from what we know of him. We went out this evening & she had him round. He'd left by the time we got back at 11pm. There was a used condom floating in the toilet when I went into the bathroom. I have to admit my heart sank

She's only JUST turned 17 a week ago. She's still so young in my mind for sex & all that is brings. We're open enough & talk a lot but she's not mentioned this.

I'm really worried that she'll get pregnant. That's my biggest fear. I know it's natural but I need to get my head around it- do I say anything to her?

She's not on the pill. I think that's urgently the next step. He's her first boyfriend.

I'm having a glass of wine but....my baby 😢

I know I'm being silly so please don't pile on. I just wasn't expecting that tonight.

How would you/ did you handle this?

It's a struggle OP. I disagree about not mentioning the used condom in the toilet. That's not okay and surely you'll want to prevent having to see that again. Also just because they used a condominium once doesn't mean they do that every time. You definitely should have a chat with her

Condominium 😂😅

The feelings you have described are more normal I think, feeling out of sorts about it is different to being shocked. 17 yos having sex is not shocking. If they have waited till 17 I would think they are pretty sensible.

Thank you for all the replies. They have been v useful. Perhaps we're getting caught up in semantics a bit - I did use the word shock but I hope it was obvious that I wasn't in need of smelling salts or anything like that.
I was caught off guard to walk into my bathroom & be confronted by the very physical evidence that my dd was having sex.
I posted on here to gather my thoughts & to gauge the best strategy whether to mention it or not.
I've had lots of good advice & some comments making me feel like my internal reaction was a bit ridiculous or I was hindering her development etc which bothered me to be honest

I have given info about my own environment growing up & I have acknowledged that while I was more than happy to go against the grain of my cultural background, being confronted in the moment with that condom maybe threw up some things I wasn't aware I was carrying around.

Some other posters have articulated it really well & I thank you for that. Of course I know abstracty that 17 year old have sex, it takes a moment to process that it's your 17 year old. It's a new phase. Life is moving on.

We don't wrap dd up in cotton wool. She had lots of freedom & we trust her & she's been a brilliant teen so far. This is just the next step.

I am still most concerned about pregnancy I won't lie. I truly would not want that for her. She's still in school & has so much life ahead of her to explore.

I will speak to her about contraception & I really like the advice someone gave last night that it should be fun & good for her as well as him.

I will leave this thread now but am.grateful to have the opportunity to hear other perspectives on it

@PleaseAdviseMeHowToApproachThis

You sound like a fab mum and you’ll always, always get the nasty posters on here goes without saying.

It's depressing that they start so early isn't it. I was 19 and felt more emotionally mature to handle it.

@QueefQueen80s - You are discussing a difference of just around 2 years between you and the OP's daughter. 17 is hardly so early and the difference is minimal.

2 years is also the difference between 16 and 14. Would you call that minimal?

Yet I have a feeling you would be significantly more uncomfortable with the idea of a 14 year old having sex than a 16 year old.

At this stage of life 2 years makes a lot of difference in terms of experience and maturity. 2 years is over 10% of their life at 17.

It really is, isn't it? I was early 20s when I started having sex and the idea that there are 13-15 year olds out there having sex makes me so queaay.

I would say 17 is only borderline old enough. But if this was my daughter I'd be worried sick. It's a dangerous world out there for girls.

Yep 2 years is a huge difference at this age, and I was nearly 20. Just felt more mature in handling contraception issues, the feelings, the risks.
I know it's "normal" to be earlier, hormones and pressure from boys. I just wish it wasn't.

@LaLuz7 I know, 13 year olds are kids.. and they're doing something that can make babies. Head mashing!

OP did you tell your mum when you were having sex?
Not being goady, just that I didn't and we didn't really discuss it. We probably had one conversation where she told me to be safe if I ever had sex, and that was it 🤷🏻‍♀️
She wouldn't have had any idea what contraception I was using, I just went and got sorted myself

I understand it’s hard to accept that your little girl is growing up OP, but if it makes you feel any better I lost my virginity in a drunken haze with a one night stand who used no protection, and I was in no way unusual back then. Be thankful that you’re DD is having sex safely with someone she is in an established relationship with.

Dd turned 17 a week ago, so depending on how far into the 19th year pp was there could be a difference of close to 3 years there & imo that is pretty significant.

I have already answered / given info about my own upbringing / background in thus thread. My mother is deeply Conservative about sex before marriage. I did not follow her rules whatsoever but I was 19 going on 20 before I had sex.

I can't bear to think of 14 year olds doing it either even though it happens. I think its too young.

If I'm being honest I think a week into being 17 is too young too to really grasp the implications & I worry about them breaking up etc but I also recognise that this is happening & my job is to make sure she has support & information available at all times

I have tried my very best to raise dd the opposite to how I was raised & we have a good open relationship so far.

I could not have spoken to my mother about anything like this but 1987 ireland was another planet by comparison

She's of an age we legally recognise it is appropriate to be having sex with a similar aged young person. She's using protection, which is great. She is in a relationship and the boy seems nice. Tbh I think this is a pretty good start to sex for her.

I can understand it must be a shock, but I hope once you get used to the idea you can see that this isn't a huge deal. Her choice of protection is fine, though there's nothing wrong with asking if she would like support to go on the pill (while recognising it is her choice).