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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just turned 17 Yr old dd having sex

115 replies

PleaseAdviseMeHowToApproachThis · 08/01/2023 00:01

Dd has a boyfriend for the past 5 months. He's a nice enough lad from what we know of him. We went out this evening & she had him round. He'd left by the time we got back at 11pm. There was a used condom floating in the toilet when I went into the bathroom. I have to admit my heart sank

She's only JUST turned 17 a week ago. She's still so young in my mind for sex & all that is brings. We're open enough & talk a lot but she's not mentioned this.

I'm really worried that she'll get pregnant. That's my biggest fear. I know it's natural but I need to get my head around it- do I say anything to her?

She's not on the pill. I think that's urgently the next step. He's her first boyfriend.

I'm having a glass of wine but....my baby 😢

I know I'm being silly so please don't pile on. I just wasn't expecting that tonight.

How would you/ did you handle this?

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 00:06

You tell to tell her to stop trying to flush condoms and that should hopefully open up a conversation - but only if she's willing to have one.

You don't know she's not on the pill - she could well be.

Either way if you're going to have a conversation, make it an adult one and not full of 'my baby' and 'JUST' turned 17 like it makes a difference.

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 00:06

*need to tell her

PandasAreBlackAndWhite · 08/01/2023 00:09

Let her tell you when she's ready?

Original poster
PleaseAdviseMeHowToApproachThis · 08/01/2023 00:10

Thanks @DuplicateUserName I know that I will have to have a grown up conversation & I won't use terms like my baby when doing so. I am surprised that i feel so rattled by this to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
PleaseAdviseMeHowToApproachThis · 08/01/2023 00:11

So you would say nothing @PandasAreBlackAndWhite ?
I'm not sure what the best approach is...

OP posts:
YourWinter · 08/01/2023 00:11

Condoms help protect her from everyone else her partner has had sex with. They should be used in addition to the pill, not instead.

Where do they think flushed condoms go? Wrap and bin, flushing is strictly for pee, poo and paper, NOT condoms, tampons or sanitary tiwels, cotton buds, wet wipes or “flushable” moist toilet tissue.

This may or may not have been the first time, but it certainly wont be the last. She’s 17, not 13, and as long as she is informed and confident about issues around consent as well as protection from pregnancy and STIs, better at home than in a field.

Sorry it’s a shock OP.

Hullyhuman · 08/01/2023 00:12

Take a bit of time to yourself first . I recall taking our dd to a clinic when she was 16 with her bf to have implant ( which in itself was awful) and wishing we we not there yet. Its ok to feel as you do .
I how you feel . But this is happening and you can support her as as mother with this just as you have all the other things .

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/01/2023 00:12

I’d be very pleased that they were using condoms.
They're being sensible. She’s growing up, everyone does.

Jinglehop · 08/01/2023 00:13

She’s legally old enough, it’s hardly a one night stand AND they’re using protection. It’s all ok and sounds like they’re being responsible.

I’d just mention that condoms should go in the bin not the toilet and see where that takes the conversation.

LesOliviers · 08/01/2023 00:14

I know it's difficult. But look on the bright side, at least she's using condoms.

Sparklesocks · 08/01/2023 00:14

It’s good that she using contraception, but you might need to talk to her about disposing of them properly. 17 is a pretty common age to be sexually active and it’s also good that it’s with someone she trusts.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 08/01/2023 00:14

I’d be glad they used condoms but maybe make time to talk to her about other contraception too.

id have to just mention the condom too, just so they knew to take more care disposing of them in future so I don’t see it

Hullyhuman · 08/01/2023 00:15

op
you say you are rattled ? Of course . It can feel like a loss of yr little girl.
she is still that .
but her hormones are racing. Etc.
you can still be her mum and help her with this . But it can feel
a
shock at first .

UWhatNow · 08/01/2023 00:17

I would feel the same as you op. It’s a shock.

I would mention you saw the condom and I’d put on an Oscar winning bright and breezy ‘cool mum’ performance by saying you’re glad they’re being ‘sensible’ and if she’d be better going on the pill (which you’d support). Ask questions about whether he treats her nicely and whether he makes her happy. I wouldn’t dwell too long but long enough to make the point that sex should be fun for her. Not just him. And if it’s not fun and nice she shouldn’t be doing it.

Then walk away. Keep a general eye on whether she’s happy or not with him but leave her to have a private sex life. Hard op - but part of life.

SH23B · 08/01/2023 00:17

She's 17. If she's too young now, what age do you think will be old enough??

areyoustillhere · 08/01/2023 00:19

I think you sound like a good mum.

Tell her that you noticed the condom. Tell her that you're pleased to see she has been careful. But that condoms are t fail safe, so that she should consider doubling up on contraception, and that you're happy to go with her to do so, if she would like. Tell her that you know she is growing up, but that you will always be there for her.

And leave it there.

havanamama · 08/01/2023 00:20

Definitely don't pressure her on putting hormones in her body!

She's in a relationship and using protection.

pinkpotatoez · 08/01/2023 00:20

Seems pretty average age to be having sex and she's being careful which is all you can ask for really. Maybe talk about contraception, for all you know she's looking into it herself if she's only recently started having sex. You seem to have yourself a sensible DD, try not to worry

jtaeapa · 08/01/2023 00:23

I’m shocked that you think she should urgently go on the pill. Altering her hormones should be up to her. Pills really mess with moods/weight/anxiety for some people. She needs to use condoms anyway and also understand that a 17yo is likely highly fertile so she should track her cycle and avoid ovulation windows.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 08/01/2023 00:23

At 17 I’d just be happy she’s practicing safe sex.
If my peers were anything to judge by then I’d be surprised if it’s new to her. I’m sorry you’re upset but she’s practically an adult.
Enjoy your wine!

OoooohMatron · 08/01/2023 00:25

I understand but at least she's doing it with a nice lad and using protection.

Hiddenvoice · 08/01/2023 00:26

It can be a shock for you but she’s sadly not too young, I was the same age when I started.
She’s smart and using contraception. She will talk to you when she’s ready. She’s your daughter, you know her best so if you are going to chat with her about it then be sensitive, don’t jump to the pill. Sadly with some people they assume the pill is all they need and they forget to also use condoms. The pill is also risky for adding hormones to her body, it was one the biggest mistakes I ever made going on the pill.

Sleep on it tonight and see how you feel in the morning. Ask her if she had a good night and see if she will open up to you, it may be her first time and she might want to share it with you in the morning. If not then take your time before bringing it up and think carefully about what you want to say, you want her to be open about all of this and not hide it away.

Veryxonfused · 08/01/2023 00:27

She’s old enough, and she used protection.
Sort of disagree about putting her on the pill - it’s her choice (I’m sure she knows about it and will chose to go on it if she wants to), many young people who go on the pill think fuck it and don’t use condoms anymore (at least she’s currently protected against infection), and also she could forget to take it

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 00:27

If she does open up and choose to speak to you, rather than just mumble 'sorry', when you tell her to stop flushing condoms, it might be a good opportunity to make sure she knows exactly how and where to get the morning after pill, if she ever thinks she needs it.

BashfulClam · 08/01/2023 00:29

Tell her not to flush them and buy a small bin for her room. One with a lid! Ask if she is on any other contraception and you’d like her to think seriously about using a secondary method (in addition as condoms should always be used). Just let her know she can always come to you without judgement (I hid a lot from my parents and got into some bad situations as I couldn’t talk to them).