Just turned 17 Yr old dd having sex

[PleaseAdviseMeHowToApproachThis]

Dd has a boyfriend for the past 5 months. He's a nice enough lad from what we know of him. We went out this evening & she had him round. He'd left by the time we got back at 11pm. There was a used condom floating in the toilet when I went into the bathroom. I have to admit my heart sank

She's only JUST turned 17 a week ago. She's still so young in my mind for sex & all that is brings. We're open enough & talk a lot but she's not mentioned this.

I'm really worried that she'll get pregnant. That's my biggest fear. I know it's natural but I need to get my head around it- do I say anything to her?

She's not on the pill. I think that's urgently the next step. He's her first boyfriend.

I'm having a glass of wine but....my baby 😢

I know I'm being silly so please don't pile on. I just wasn't expecting that tonight.

How would you/ did you handle this?

Not to derail the thread but I’m always surprised when people say to use condoms as well as another form of contraception. My husband and I have used condoms as our only form of contraception for 10 years and we’ve never had an accident. I don’t think there needs to be so much panic over getting her on the pill asap.

A recent thread asked how old you were when you first had sex. It was enlightening, loads of replies and ages ranged from 13 to 20+. The overriding result was lots of people got to 17 and just wanted to ‘get it over with’. I was looking for guidance (DD & lovely BF both 15) and my feelings are changed by the thread, I would rather DD be in a relationship she treasures with a BF she adores and perhaps be younger than I would like. I’d hate for her to be in the ‘get it over with’ group.

I love a PP idea of putting condoms in the bathroom - sex & periods were taboo when I was growing up. As a PMDD sufferer (slave to my hormones my entire life) I get PP comments about putting hormones into her body. As a pregnant teenager myself, not sure if my termination brought on my PMDD, I will take my DD to the doctor for the pill and monitor her MH very closely. DD also uses a period tracker app (we look for PMDD symptoms).

I feel prepared for DD’s forthcoming sex life, I know I will be shocked, like you, and be ‘OMG my baby is having sex! But I will also feel a little excited for her, it’s the next stage of her journey into womanhood.
Good luck with your chat.

OP, as a mum to a 16 year old (she turns 17 later this year) I can completely empathise with the shock and feeling of how can she be having sex, she's my baby?! That's natural. I'll feel exactly the same when I find out DD is sexually active. DD is on the pill (her decision - she had heavy painful periods and wanted a pill to make them stop), so I'm less worried from a birth control point of view. But it's the thought of your baby (and yes they'll always be your baby no matter their age) being sexually active that is a difficult thing to get your head around. I totally get it.

@festiveoverwhelm

Oh there is an urgency. Plenty of teen boys will try their luck, they don’t like going bare back.

As long as you approach it in a way where she won't feel ashamed about it.

when my mom found out I was having sex (19 years old) she had a go at me, cried and just made me feel embarrassed

Yanbu OP. You sound a great mum and of course it's going to rattle you. She's doing something very normal though, so try not to worry. She will always be your baby!

In response to the pill conversation, it's her choice. But if/while she's not on it, I'd be tempted to get some plan B for the medicine cupboard and let her know it's there for whenever it's needed.

OP's always answered both of these questions

Condoms have a failure rate of around 15% per year.

A teen girl absolutely needs to double up on protection. Condoms alone are not good enough, especially as you can't trust horny teens to use them correctly every single time.

Better "put hormones in her body" (🙄🙄🙄) than get pregnant and deal with an abortion or a baby at 17.

The pill is perfectly safe for most women.

And I doubt she'd prefer to go through the pain of fitting a copper IUD instead...

I haven't read all the comments but want to reiterate what I've read so far - she's growing up and exploring her sexuality is part of that. She's making sensible choices and is in a long term (trusting) relationship to do this and is using protection to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

My newly 18 y/o cousin and his newly 17 y/o 'gf' (using their term loosely here as they are very on/off) are now a new parents. They used the pull out method as their only form of contraception. Point being, things could already be a lot worse and it sounds like she's got her head screwed on and isn't being irresponsible.

Or the other way around. Starting bareback and only putting the condom on for the great finale. Which is the equivalent of pulling out and a really lousy choice as far as protection goes.

I don't trust condoms alone and I'm 31 in a stable relationship. I have never let a partner come inside me and I'm always been on the pill.

A teen girls for whom pregancy would be a tragic outcome absolutely needs to use 2 forms of birth control. It's just the smart thing to do.

Let her research and decide what she needs to use. Don't discount Coils etc they're not painful for everyone. I had zero pain with mine. Also there are computers that track temps if she wants to go hormone free. She's almost an adult so needs to take responsibility for this herself ( with your support).

Definitely don’t go down the coil route, mine perforated my womb. Thankfully this was after kids …. There was a lot of damage. No way for a young teen.

Pills, Nexplanon, plenty of non invasive options. Temp monitoring awful idea for a 17 year old. I was having sex at 16, and was i responsible…. To a degree. I was 16 after all.

My mum and dad went absolutely nuts at me when they found out I was having sex at 16. I was as your DD is - with a lovely long term boyfriend who they knew well, using condoms etc. It really damaged our relationship, I've never really confided in my mum again.

Take her to a clinic and discuss which contraception would be best for her

OP can't just take her to a clinic. That's her DD's decision.

ok, if we’re nit picking, she can point her towards what options are available.

17 is a completely normal age for teenagers to be seeking out sexual experiences. Sounds like shes in a relatively steady relationship with a nice lad and is using condoms, so shes being pretty sensible. Shes still your baby. Having sex doesnt change you as a person.

I'd be more pissed off with trying to flush condoms than anything else. You don't chuck plastic into the waterways. The fact they're having sex legally, and using contraception, wouldn't trouble me.

It's a big step and it's completely understandable to feel the way you are.

That said, I think 16/17 is perfectly natural & expected age to become sexually active, and tbh, based on my own experiences when growing up.. I will be on the look out and expecting it from 14/15 with my DD.

As many PP have said, it's a positive that they are using protection and that it's with a boyfriend of a while, whom you Know.

I was close with my mum too, who was always pretty open minded and approachable, but I was also really independent and I got myself on the pill once I had a serious boyfriend and started that journey & my mum had no idea! She had no idea about a LOT of things and thought I was an Angel 😂

So maybe there's a chance she may have started the pill without your knowledge?

Either way, you need to talk to her and ensure she is armed with what she needs and knows you support her.

Perhaps you can find a comfortable moment and say something along the lines of
How's it going with 'BF'? I wanted to say, i really like 'BF', he's really lovely. I'm glad that you have someone like that to share this part of life with, if you know what I mean!' And hopefully she will know what you mean and the topic is on the table...

Good luck

The OPs daughter will already be well aware of what options are available to her - they cover this in schools and OP describes her as intelligent and bright.

I had been taking the pill since 13 for my skin but at 17 I'd have found the contraception chat so ridiculous and infantilizing. There is nothing that pushes a teenager away more than being treated like a child. She will already know her options and doesn't need the go ahead from her mum to go get them - she will if she decides it's the right choice for her and doesn't need swaying either way. I wish someone had advocated for me having the choice not to pump my body full of hormones at her age, I really really do.

I don't get the anti-pill sentiment on here. I tried a few different ones until I found one that suited me. The mini pill is progesterone only and all hormonal contraception is surely preferable to an unwanted pregnancy? There are loads of teens round here that have heard scare stories about the pill and refuse to even consider it.

I'm in 2 minds about the pill. I went on it at 16 and it effected me a lot. My moods, my periods didn't change much. But I put on weight. I was very active. Ballet and tap 4 times a week. No change in diet but I put weight on. But then she is protected from pregnancy should there be an accident with the Condoms. I think you need to have a grown up conversation about contraception choices and why doubling up is a good idea and go through pros and cons together. If she is old enough to be having sex then she is old enough to have this conversation with her mum. Just keep it straight. No baying anything and be happy she's doing it at home. Dh was my first at 16 and we are still together now 15 years later. But, gosh the places we went !! I would be so upset if my daughter did this. Home is safe. Be happy she is comfortable enough to be home! And tell her she can come to you about anything.

I would also feel rattled op. It's completely understandable. She is your baby.

But, 17 is a perfectly reasonable age to have sex. And you have said he's a nice boy.

Try to have a chat with her and be as nonchalant and factual as you can, is my advice.

Good luck!!

Hello OP. I have a daughter who is 15. She has been asked out lots of times by boys but so far only wants them to be friends. I know that in a matter of months she will be legally old enough to have sex and of course there will be girls her age having sex already. I know that having a boyfriend and a sex life is perfectly natural and normal and of course I'll be matter-of-fact with her when it happens.

But ... I think you and I and any other mother are allowed to feel some sense of loss, some initial unease, some worries. This is a whole new phase of your daughter's life and the difference from a daughter in their early teens, still partly a child and cuddling a toy in bed to a sexually active young woman happens seemingly in the blink of an eye.

I felt temporarily unsettled when my daughter stopped breastfeeding, started school, went to secondary school, started her periods, etc etc. The feeling passes but each new stage brings its own challenges initially.

I think you are allowed to feel discombobulated without it meaning you are babying your child or resisting them growing up. You can recognise they are growing and changing, celebrate this, and still feel a little sadness at the same time.